HELP! Cousin molested by x-fiance

[shutterbug]

Dear Lord, words cannot express the emotions I'm having right now. My dear sweet cousin of 15 professed to me this evening that my ex-fiance, of 4 years, molested her and forced her to perform oral sex on him!

I am angry, hurt and scared for her!

Sick doesn't begin to say it all. I am physcially sick at my stomach. I've cried and I want to tell him what a sick b*stard he is!

I don't know what the statute of limitations are when it comes to a 27-year-old molesting a then 12-year-old, but I'm going to the police department before I go to work tomorrow and filing a report on him! I hope he goes to jail for long long long time!

She told me he called her a couple of weeks ago and she was so scared that she called the cops, but she hadn't told anyone about him molesting her 3 years ago until she told me today.

I never thought he would have been capable of such horrific and sickening things! I mean, I once loved this man and now I want to rip him apart with my bare hands!

What do I do? My cousin (who is more like a niece or younger sister to me) has been through SO much! Her mom died when she was 10 and her step-dad took away the only sister she had ever known. She's been living with my aunt who doesn't want the responsiblity and my cousin told me that the aunts oldest son also molested her from the time she was five until about age 7! (she said she had told her mom about this before she died, and she freaked out but nothing was ever done). My cousin said she doesn't want my aunt to know about any of this, or the rest of the family, because of 1. my aunt had to go through this once before when her husband molested me and went to prison and 2. because she is embarrased and just doesn't want people to know.

She agreed to go to counseling, which I have been working on getting her to agree to for a while now, but I am not her legal guardian and I don't know how to do it without my aunt having to know, since she is the guardian!

I quess I will just file the police report and let the police go from there and then I can call DHS and found out how to get her a counselor and just pray about everything.

My life is so hard already, I don't know if I can handle all this. It's just too much! I won't even get to see my counselor this week because she's out of town.

Please help me! And please help me know how best to help my 15-year-old cousin who has already been dealt a hard life!

Feeling overwhelmed and lost,
Jenna

[splendra]

((((((((Shutterbug & sb's cousin))))))))

I don't think it is too late to call the cops on your exb/f. I am very glad that your cousin has someone who believes her that is so important. I tried to tell my mom about some simular things when I was young and she beat me and called me a liar....

It is hard enough to learn to cope when you are believed but, when you are not the fxs can be so much worse. It sounds like you are doing all the right things by calling the cops and by getting her to counseling.

I can understand your cousin not wanting others to know but, the cousin who molestested her from 5-7 where is he is he in contact with young children? You know they don't just stop doing it and it can esculate into murders!!! Unless this guy is dead I think you need to tell the police about him too. Most likely the uncles family who went to prison did not recieve any counseling so everybody just sank back down and pretended it was just a bad dream? While cranking out another child molester? Do you really think your aunt would be all that surprized? She is just as guilty as your uncle probably!!!!

I know this is very difficult for you. Some how this young girl trusted you and that says a lot about you. I know you have it in you to do the right thing. You can PM me if you need to....

Shutterbug,

I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier.

The number one rule when helping someone through this is to put away the guilt. You can't help her if you are feeling guilty. You didn't do this to her and it wasn't your fault.

It is sometimes impossible to help someone this close to you through something like this. I feel it's very important that she receives help for this from someone else and not you. Counseling is a great idea. You can help in other ways by doing things with her and being there for her.

My children were abused and tortured by a man I rented a room to. I could not help my daughter through her healing. It was too much for me. Your health has to come first.

My daughter found healing through sexual abuse therapy. Your cousin will be ok with the right therapy.

Please continue to post and get the support you need as you go through this.

Many hugs,
MG

[Don W]

Hi Jenna, I suggest you go to the police. Different states might have different rules.
What he did was wrong and she is the victum. Getting the police involved might help with closure. I understand it will be difficult but, silence won't help anyone. This person won't stop because he's your ex. You must takes steps to protect other children. You can support her but, you cousin needs counseling. Being too close, your anger and guilt might slow her process. I feel she needs someone to open up to without fear of upsetting someone. Your aunt has her own issues to deal with. Those issues shouldn't prevent your cousin from recovering. I'll pray for you but, like I said. Decisive action must be taken,the sooner the better. Don W

[indigo]

My heart goes out to you and to your cousin Jenna i am sending love and positive thoughts your way.
safe hugs indigo

ps i think Don's right silence never help we have to speak out to prevent this continuing.

[shutterbug]

Thanks guys for all your support. It helps. I am trying to not feel guilty and luckily I'm in a much better emotional and mental state these days from all my Al-anon and therapy so this situation is not destroying me like it would have a year ago.

I was going to go to the police Wednesday and then I got sick and was really sick Thursday and Friday I had to work. I know I can't let this go for my sake and my dear sweet cousin who I love so very much. It's just taking me a little bit to let this all settle in and to digest it without making myself sick. I plan to go to the police this week. I want to talk to my cousin one more time to find out where her head is at and explain to her why it is that we have to tell about the male cousin who also molested her from 5-7 years old. She doesn't want to b/c it is the son of the aunt she is living with, but I will explain to her why it is important to tell. Both these men have to be held responsible or....you guys are right, it will create two other generations of child abusers. It's hard though. I'm mean that it's hard being put in the position where I have to be responsible for making sure this all comes out in the open while at the same time making sure that my cousin does not end up hurt even more.

(deep breath)

It will be very hard for my aunt. Having her husband go to prison was hard, but I think she will take it much harder and maybe not even believe that her son could do such a thing. I personally have always felt uncomfortable around him b/c he looks and acts just like his dad. Sometimes it would make me sick at my stomach to look at him, but I never would have thought he would do this. You just never really know people, do you.

I don't know how I will ever be able to trust any man. It's so hard since I'm always drawn to people who end up hurting me and I don't want my cousin to end up letting other men abuse her for the rest of her life.

Yes, luckily she does trust me. She's told me things before (nothing like this mind you) and she knows she can confide in me without me blabbing for the sake of blabbing. you know?

I remind her so much of her mom who died about 4 years ago. We sound alike and act the same and look quite a bit alike. I miss her and so does my cousin, but, in some small way, I think she feels comfortable with me because I remind her of her mom. Which I'm thankful for, because it could have turned out that being around me could have made her sad, but instead it seems to strengthen her. She knows I'm on her side and we understand each other in ways that no one understands either of us. She almost feels like my child or problably closer to a little sister that I mother sometimes. Does that make sense?

Anyway, the one who molested her is still around, although he lives in a different town and doesn't visit very often. His new wife is very controlling and she doesn't like my cousin b/c she doesn't like the way she dresses - which is like a teenager. With this new light being shed on things, I think his new wife can see that he has more of an eye for her than what a cousin would have and she is jealous. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's keeping him away and that's a good thing.

Well I've written enough for now. I will post again after I go to the cops and talk to my cousin again.

LOV N' HUGS,
Jenna