((( Don W)))

[indigo]

Don I am sorry I haven't made contact since last week we are busy fighting a custody battle over my son's daughter, he is bi-polar and he tried to commit suicide again. I hope you are in good shape my friend. I have managed to stay sober throughout so I am proud of that.

LOVE indigo

[Don W]

No Problem indigo, I understand how life challenges can dictate our life. I feel you have a good program going, so keep it up. I am doing OK. However, the last few days I've been dealing with some anger. No particular reason just stuff getting to me. Or should I say I'm allowing it to get to me. I know the process to get rid of it. However, sometime I just don't want it to go away. Strange but, that is what I feel today. I do have to add that being on line is taking the edge off. Don W

[indigo]

Good to see you Don, what anger management techniques do you use if you don't mind me asking?
indigo

[Don W]

I use cognitive theraphy in many cases. Many times my anger is from my perception of things rather than from fact. Anger is a normal emotion but, not if I bring it to extremes and act on it. One thing is to not act before stepping back. I also need to search for what I'm really angry about and deal with that. Sometimes I'll transfer this anger toward an undeserving person or source. I'm not sure this can happen but, I think I'm angry about having to seek help. I feel this because the anger appeared about the same time I sought out this new counselor. Interlectually I understand I'm not at fault except when I don't take responsibility for my care. However, I'm not always on track and at the top ability to deal with having to recover from things that I didn't bring upon myself. I'm angry that I'm 56 years old and have to go see people to get myself better. Maybe, a little embarressed also. I know I'm a better person for having stopped drinking and getting help for my PTSD and other issues. However, at times like this last week I don't feel like a better person. I hope you understand this but, there was a time that the fact that you and other people think highly of me was enough. Now, maybe it's part of recovery I have to learn to deal with but, it is what I think, that is important to me. Do you or others think it could be conditioned thinking?
The best way to describe it is, I don't feel like a good person going to this new Theraphsist in the morning. I feel like the old Don I'll be exposing to her instead. I don't know, maybe telling someone once again I'm not perfect. Maybe, bringing that little boy inside me out, afraid he is going to be hurt. Just talking and thinking about it, I can almost feel the pain of my father's strap. I feel once again I kneeling in that corner for hours waiting for the next beating after he rests. Like it happened yesterday, the shame that I held for years for allowing the sexual abuse to happen to me. I feel like a little boy going to tell her what I wanted so much to be able to tell someone so I could be protected. I'm sorry for going on like this but, all of a sudden these feelings are pouring out. I am so angry that the people I was suppose to love would hurt me. I'm angry that even though they hurt me, I tried to continue to love them. I'm angry that that little boy inside me hasn't grown into my adult body. I know I'm going to cry, I'm crying now. I think the thread about the child within, is bringing a frighten little boy out. I'm trying to stop it but, can't. Those that are experenced, is this normal. To feel like that little boy, I don't even understand where the little boy is coming from. I was between 6 and 14 when much of this happened. I don't even know who I could have told. Almost anyone I think of would have ended with a beating once exposed. I'm not sure if people would have believed me. Many people I've told don't believe this could have taken place without someone stepping in.
I'm going to promise you and myself to go in the morning. Could the fact that these things are bothering me be a sign there is more issues? All the hard part isn't over?
Now I feel a little stupid for being an adult and feeling like a little boy. How could I have been able to stuff all these feelings? Oh well, I need to go home. Sorry if , I don't even know why I'm sorry, but I feel like I'm bothering you with my problems when you all have plenty of your own. There are still so many things that were done to me, things that I have not shared. And I've told some horrible things that were done to me but, each day more things come back. Like complaining about the raw eggs served when cooking. I'd ask him to please cook mine a little more. He would then burn them and make me eat them. The if I took to long he would do dishes using amonia next to me. This would burn my throat and eyes and made eating harder. He would then grab me by the hair and put my face right over the dish pan till I choked from the fumes. I forgot about that. My older sister started eating the under cooked eggs off my plate when he wasn't watching. Don W

[indigo]

Don I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you don't know who you could have told. You were a little boy you needed protecting and your dad the one that was supposed to protect you didn't, kids are fiercely loyal to their parents and like you said you still trid to love him. You were in an impossible situation and your child within is still wounded and grieving for what could no should have been.

It's a brave thing going to a therapist (I have seen several) and each time having to go over much of the old stuff and discovering new, it's your wounded child that is afraid only this time nobody is going to hurt or abuse and punish him, you will learn to love love little Don he's been with you through thick and thin.

I wish you all the best for tomorrow and I will be praying for the Don I am getting to know man and boy, you keep on crying you are very courageous and when you get further along the path you can be proud of who you are today inspite of what has happened to you.
A great big safe hug to Big and Little Don they sure do deserve it.

Love indie

I am with you 100% is that a deal? then we'll shake on it.