Unreal, Living in a Nightmare

[vanhoutte37]

I was diagnosed with Chronic/Complex PTSD with delayed onset over 10 years ago. My Father physically abused me till I was 8 and sexually abused me for 4 years. Then the State took me away and put me with his parents. They do not accept the way he is. So after 4 years of him being court ordered away they allowed him back into my life without HRS knowing about it. He would come to my grandparents and hit me push me down steps all sorts of things and they let him. I got sick with stomach and bowel problems "Ulceritive Colitis, which I still have today " They would just leave me in the hospital never come and see me or even call. Then when I was 14 he tried to sexually abuse me again. He always kept a loaded shotgun in the corner of his bedroom so I took the gun pointed it to his head and told him I was 14 not 4 and I would blow his head off. Then I dropped the gun and ran. My grandparnets are always pushing him on me. Blaming everyone else for his problems and actions. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with Chronic PTSD. My prognosis was gaurded do to servere personality traits at such a young age. " states that in my records" But I left 2 months after I was dianosed. My grandma told me I was bipolar. All this time I thought I had bipolar. Well 2 months ago I was talking to her about it telling her that I was going to go see a doctor to get my records to see if there is anything that could help me with my GED test. She started talking weird. Told me that I have bipolar then she said that nothing was wrong with me. Then she said that if I get them that people would take my son away and then told me I had nothing wrong again. So, I knew she was hiding something after that call. I received my records and come to find out I was diagnosed with Chronic with delayed onset PTSD. My whole family lied. My life has been one big lie after another. I feel like my life is crashing down on me. I have gone all this time left untreated and now I am a hermit. I do not do anything social, I can't even keep up with daily activites. I am so depressed. I almost have all the symtems of Complex PTSD. I have never had support from family or friends. I can hardly remember my life. Everything is just all bad. I can't hold a job I do not get along with people. Anything that reminds me of the traumatic events in my life and I snap. What made me check all this out was my GED to begin with. I can not retain information. I am having a real hard time with it. I have an appointment to a doc next week. So I will see then what the next step is. I feel like my life is a soap opera or a movie.

:mad

I know what it's like to wake up out of the lie. It's very hard. There is wonderful treatment for PTSD now and if you dive into it you can speed up the recovery process.

I used to get very angry that I had to go through so much hell because of what other people did to me. It was even harder because they seemed to be living a pretty happy life. The biggest problem was discovering the truth. It was hidden deep within me.
It was the part that I didn't remember that caused most of my problems. Once I remembered life started getting better.

My mother also had the snap out it attitude and treated me with contempt because of my pain and the emotional suffering I experienced for so many years. I think it was because she never confronted her own pain.

I was able to let go of most of my anger after I healed. I was very angry while I was suffering though.

I'm sorry for what you have been through. Please make yourself at home here. We're here to listen.

Hugs,
MG

[vanhoutte37]

Thank you for listening. I hope I can overcome mine as well as you. There is just so much I don't remember and so much I do not know. I am very angry inside. At least I am now understanding why I think and act the way I do. Before I thought I was just insane or nuts. Its hard when you find out that there are people trying to make you nuts. Lies and games thats my family. So I decided it was best if I don't talk to any of them for a while. Go to the doc next week and see what she thinks. I hope I can overcome my pain and addiction. Thats why I am going to get some help. I can not keep going on like this forever. 10 years is long enough. Thank You for being there. Jamie

:nose

[In memory of miracle]

I a so glad that you have decided to get help.I know that the journey can seem really long,it help's me to do it one day at a time and baby step's on some day's.Making small goal's for myself and than following thru.I am glad you are here. Bless,Trish

[vanhoutte37]

Thank you. I is very scary sounding. When I think about it but I am doing it. I did not relize how bad I was till now. I have been watching myself and my actions the past couple of months and I am just like Oh my god. Everyone else in my life could see it. I will take baby steps and I WILL overcome this some how. What ever it takes. The only person I am doing this for besides myself is my son. I have a 2.5 year old son. Sometimes I am unfair to him as well. I have to get better for me and him. He deserves some who is alot better than me. I hope and pray that I can be someone that deserves him. Jamie

[In memory of miracle]

You sound better already.!

Jamie,
I was in the middle of the worst of mine when my kids were that age. We grew up together. I think we are a lot closer because of it. Your experience going through all of this will help your little boy one day.

Facing childhood abuse can be very frightening and painful, but you'll come out the other side. I'm going to find a post on inner child work and bring it up to the top.

Hugs,
MG