Whats my next step?

[janetleigh78]

So I'm here b/c it was suggested I come here. My PTSD situation (Jan 1997) stemmed from what I recently (Oct 2004) found out was caused by my college boyfriend's secret addiction. What I mean to say is, we had a great relationship and I knew nothing about his secret life of drugs and then there was a traumatic event that has forever changed my life. We recently got back in touch and he told me "i'm sober now" and i said "WHAT? when did you start using drugs" to which he said "you didn't know I was using?!" I'm not one of those naive chicks who belive anything a guy says... I keep my eye out for odd things... there just wasn't anything there to find. I never saw coke or crack at his apartment (or in my life for that matter with the exception of those educational seminars in jr. high).

So I was pregnant, called him up and told him. He wanted nothing to do with it and wanted me to get an abortion. Oh, and by the way, the day I called him was our first day back to school from xmas break and he was moving in his new girlfriend.. but we'd never broken up!

Same day, my overbearing brother and his evil fiance were to pick me up for dinner. I couldnt keep it together, I crumbled under pressure and told them everything. It was a nightmare! DAYS and HOURS of getting chewed out and told how stupid I was. They made me call my parents and they too attacked me during my time of need. I wanted to finish college so they'd be happy so I suggested that I do an adoption but they were not for it AT ALL. They expected me to be a tv success story that raised a kid, full time college, full time work, etc. And when she was born with cleft lip and cleft palate they still expected the success story (yet another trauma event)... even if that meant adding in several doctors appointments (1.5 hour drive away from my home) each week and eventually it would taper down to several a month.

They continued to criticize my every move and eventually pressured me into letting them adopt her. It'd be easy for me to accept this if I really wasn't doing a good job or was just SO young and stupid that I had no idea how to raise a child, but that's not the case. I just couldn't take their constant pressure and after taking my baby from me, I ran off to another state.

Needless to say, years have passed and my daughter is 7. My life is a mess. I never graduated from college. I'm married but in a constant situation of neglect. I can't keep friends b/c they don't like him. My family still treats me like a criminal. And I'm just now getting some of life on track... 1.5 years left to my AAS degree. But I have nothing of my own and I have no friends or family. If I divorce I'll be poor and homeless. If I move back to my home state, I still may not get to see my daughter. They did start letting me see her and talk to her a little more freely when I got married... I'm nothing w/o a husband. If I'm divorced, this slight freedom with her may disappear again. But all she can say to me is "please move back here mama janet!! I love you."

I know I am co-dependant with my husband... who's only addiction is the computer (not that its not a serious problem for our relationship but you can't tell a Computer professional stay off the computer). I see my co-d tendencies in almost all of my relationships since my exbf. I tried helping him (my exbf) rectify his mistakes so he might one day get to meet our daughter. I believe now that he's already lied to me a million times since we first talked in October last fall (breaks commitments and lies about stupid things like not getting my emails). But the second I heard his voice I was melted... gotta stay away from him for sure or I'll end up enabling and co-d in the middle of his crap too!

I've gone to counsellors and therapists and doctors trying to work out my anxiety problems. They tried every med in the book when it started affected my health (fibromyalgia and digestive problems). The only thing that makes me able to go to school everyday is the low dose of a medication which the FDA is now considering taking off the market due to liver interaction. NOW WHAT?!

I'm too scared to go to an naranon meeting to deal with the co-dependency problems because my husband will connect it with my exbf and get jealous OR if I suggest he's a computer addict we'll fight over that too. Besides, I'm too scared to talk about it... typing is no big deal. Naranon is really at the wrong place and time to fit my schedule so I checked into Alanon and its totally convenient.... if only I didn't have my husband and myself keeping me from going!

I had plans.. I wanted things for myself! I knew myself and could respect my decisions. Now I look back and can't imagine telling anyone about me b/c they could never respect me now. No one can understand it seems. I"m not Jerry Springer material. I'm a human, an adult, with morals and values and a lot of "experiences" under her belt (as I'd prefer to call them). I want to be able to accept my life for how it is and make it better. I want to love myself for who I am the way I am. And I want healthy relationships... I want to attract healthy people to my life. I'm open... I accept that my life is not manageable! I accept that there is an HP (though I have trouble trusting). What next? Any ideas you guys?

Hi Janet,

I'm sorry for all that you've been through. I'm sorry that your parents handled your situation the way they did. Taking your daughter wasn't the right thing to do and keeping her from you isn't right either. That's really sad and I'm sorry.

If you can't make it to a group on codependency you can gain a lot from just being here reading the boards. I don't go to meetings and have found wonderful help with my codependency here.

It sounds to me like you are not giving yourself credit for the good things you have going on in your life and you may still be listening to those old tapes put on you by your parents. You shouldn't be treated like a criminal by your own family. My son has been a criminal at times and I don't treat him like a criminal.

So my suggestion would be to continue reading the boards here. Post on the other forums about your codependency issues. Have a goal set for your future and stick to it so you have more choices and don't feel trapped in the situation you're in. The more you accomplish the better you will feel about yourself.

I've had the same problems with medication. I just can't find one that works right. I'm taking Celexa right now and it is the mildest I've tried, but it still feels a little overwhelming and I can always tell I'm on it. Keep working with your doctor. I went through panic attacks and anxiety for years and didn't take medication. It went away by itself. I think the thing that helped the most was learning that I can accomplish things and that I am capable of doing things. It's hard getting to that point alone without ever having the support of family.

I think you have a lot going for you. There won't be anything they can do to keep your daughter away from you when she is an adult and there will be lots of wonderful years left for you both to be together.

Keep talking about it. It helps to have others understand and helps to know you're not alone. I believe in you.

Hugs,
MG