Working Through Anxiety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1,742
Working Through Anxiety
I gave a woman who I'd recently met in AA a ride in my car the other day. I was doing her a favor. She sat in such a way that she placed the bottom of her shoe on the beige cloth seat in my car.
I didn't say anything.
Part of me was curious: I wanted to see how long she would sit that way. Part of me excused her rude behavior by telling myself, oh well, that car seat is dirty anyway.
In fact, I needed to say, please take your shoe off my car seat.
When I don't stand up for my rights, I eventually feel like drinking. But standing up for my rights causes great anxiety.
Sometimes I don't know where my rights begin and another person's rights end.
Sometimes I don't know whether I have any rights at all and if I have rights, do they matter?
At age 10, a swim coach touched me when I didn't want to be touched. My uncle touched me when I didn't want to be touched. Men at work touched me when I didn't want them touching me.
I felt confused about my rights. I needed to stay on the team or my father would hate me. I needed to go with my family to holiday dinners at my uncle's house. I needed those jobs to live.
If I stood up for myself in any of those circumstances, my life would be worse off than it already was.
A faulty belief is that I was placed on this earth to be abused. My purpose in life is to be the object of abuse. Not a person, an object.
It's a catch-22. I feel anxious either way, whether standing up for my rights, or letting people stomp all over them.
Drinking was a way of simply existing within the confines of this maladaptive mindset.
Now that I don't drink, this passivity is too blatant to ignore.
I didn't say anything.
Part of me was curious: I wanted to see how long she would sit that way. Part of me excused her rude behavior by telling myself, oh well, that car seat is dirty anyway.
In fact, I needed to say, please take your shoe off my car seat.
When I don't stand up for my rights, I eventually feel like drinking. But standing up for my rights causes great anxiety.
Sometimes I don't know where my rights begin and another person's rights end.
Sometimes I don't know whether I have any rights at all and if I have rights, do they matter?
At age 10, a swim coach touched me when I didn't want to be touched. My uncle touched me when I didn't want to be touched. Men at work touched me when I didn't want them touching me.
I felt confused about my rights. I needed to stay on the team or my father would hate me. I needed to go with my family to holiday dinners at my uncle's house. I needed those jobs to live.
If I stood up for myself in any of those circumstances, my life would be worse off than it already was.
A faulty belief is that I was placed on this earth to be abused. My purpose in life is to be the object of abuse. Not a person, an object.
It's a catch-22. I feel anxious either way, whether standing up for my rights, or letting people stomp all over them.
Drinking was a way of simply existing within the confines of this maladaptive mindset.
Now that I don't drink, this passivity is too blatant to ignore.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,627
Are you safe? Can you get some where safe? Do you have professional support?
Empathy and support to you. Your narrative is hell. I will not dare to offer any advice on something so deep and far reaching. Compassions offered also. Keep posting.
Empathy and support to you. Your narrative is hell. I will not dare to offer any advice on something so deep and far reaching. Compassions offered also. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Wow, Carpathia. Such clarity. I am happy that you have had this breakthrough. Keep at it.
I found that my anxiety lessened the longer I was sober.
But I know that isn't true for everyone.
People are so strange, aren't they? Why would she put her foot on the seat?
Bizarre.
Part of my problem with AA was the complete and total as******s I came into contact with there.
Not my only problem with the fellowship, but certainly one of them.
I also met some very kind and caring people there.
I find it helpful to think through possible scenarios and solutions after I experience them, and decide how I will handle it next time.
Next time, if there is one, politely tell her to remove her foot from your car seat.
Or, don't give her a ride again. That works too.
I am sorry for your past experiences. My bestie matured early, and had a terrible time with gropers in her middle school.
Experiences like that inform our lives, and it can be hard, though not impossible, to move past them.
I would say that you are making a good start to becoming whole. Peace and good luck.
I found that my anxiety lessened the longer I was sober.
But I know that isn't true for everyone.
People are so strange, aren't they? Why would she put her foot on the seat?
Bizarre.
Part of my problem with AA was the complete and total as******s I came into contact with there.
Not my only problem with the fellowship, but certainly one of them.
I also met some very kind and caring people there.
I find it helpful to think through possible scenarios and solutions after I experience them, and decide how I will handle it next time.
Next time, if there is one, politely tell her to remove her foot from your car seat.
Or, don't give her a ride again. That works too.
I am sorry for your past experiences. My bestie matured early, and had a terrible time with gropers in her middle school.
Experiences like that inform our lives, and it can be hard, though not impossible, to move past them.
I would say that you are making a good start to becoming whole. Peace and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
I know how you feel. Whenever I stand up for myself I am near panic attack mode - even if I am right. I guess I feel that being passive is the easy way out.
If I don't stand up for myself I beat myself up over it.
So like you - either way I am doomed.
If I don't stand up for myself I beat myself up over it.
So like you - either way I am doomed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1,742
I’d like to share an update regarding the anxiety.
Little by little I’m growing toward a steady confidence of who I am, and how I like to be treated. I give credit to all the people in AA who’ve been working with me on this, including the woman I mentioned in my first post.
I told her I could no longer give her a ride. We remain on friendly terms.
Each time I figure out my boundary in any particular social situation, I become more available to care for others in a genuine way.
My energy isn’t being used on anxious thinking so I’m calmer. When I’m calm, I can do things I couldn’t do before, like listen to you.
I can listen and be present because I know I can respond from a place of centeredness and self-care. I’m not anxiously anticipating the worst. The worst doesn’t exist anymore because I’ve learned it was all in my head.
Little by little I’m growing toward a steady confidence of who I am, and how I like to be treated. I give credit to all the people in AA who’ve been working with me on this, including the woman I mentioned in my first post.
I told her I could no longer give her a ride. We remain on friendly terms.
Each time I figure out my boundary in any particular social situation, I become more available to care for others in a genuine way.
My energy isn’t being used on anxious thinking so I’m calmer. When I’m calm, I can do things I couldn’t do before, like listen to you.
I can listen and be present because I know I can respond from a place of centeredness and self-care. I’m not anxiously anticipating the worst. The worst doesn’t exist anymore because I’ve learned it was all in my head.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 83
Yes indeed
Drank to deal with the faulty belief I was here to be abused. Now that I'm standing up for myself I'm so scared and feel so out of line that .... I drink to deal with THOSE feelings. I'm hoping the new found courage will have an affect on my drinking sooner rather than later.
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