The Twilight Zone!

[Tom M]

I feel like I am in the twilight zone. The problems that I had before I stopped drinking did'nt exactly go away. The way that I am dealing with these problems has changed though. I did expect to have more accomplished in my recovery by now as far as finances, job, relationship,etc.
Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. What I mean by this is that I have always seemed to bounce back from adversity in the past by staying sober for a little while. I would wind up with a good job, a girlfriend and money only to have it slip away from me for one reason or another. Oh yeah! Each time I went back to drinking and disregarded any support from AA or anything else available. Maybe I need more time to concentrate on my own recovery for a change, instead of having to worry about someone elses problems causing me to forget I have some of my own.
The jobs that I get are usually with a lot of responsibility and being resposible for other people. Maybe I rushed up the line to fast!
The relationships I had have been bad and I'm starting to realize I deserve better. I have had money and purposely squandered all of it. I think I was living each day like it was my last.
Sometimes I think I have already died and I am in purgatory being punished for past sins. I wish this was all a bad dream and I could wake up to a good normal happy life. Something I know nothing about. At least not yet!
The sober time I have now is good and I will have 2 years in December. Thats more than twice as much time that I had previously.
I would expect my quality of life to be better than what it is by now. I think I deserve it to be with all of the hard work I am putting into my recovery.
One good change I am able to see in myself is that I no longer have the desire to go back out and drink. I also have no desire to make things worse for myself by giving up!
I am still frustrated and disgusted with things, but, then again I am in a whole new world now. One that I haven't known much of my life, that is a clean and sober one!
All of the work that I have done with the 12 steps of AA has helped me realize things more clearly with my life. I realize I have a lot more work ahead of me and its going to take TIME(Things I Might Earn).
One day I hope to wake up to a happy and normal life.

Hi Tom,

It does take time. I've gone through a lot of healing, but I can't say that I wake up happy and I know I'm not normal. I do wake up content though and that's a miracle for me. I'm content with no money, no relationship, nothing of my own in the way of material goods. I'm content to know that finally I have peace of mind most of the time. I also wonder if I'll find happiness or joy in this lifetime. My mind seems to work overtime to make sure that doesn't happen.

I know that the more truth I learn the better life gets. If things are not what they should be I know that I'm still in denial in one way, shape, or form. I know that there is truth that will set me free. I just have to wait for it. There are answers for you and for me. I've learned a lot of patience and learn to accept things the way they are until they change. I try to find gratitude in today because I know very well that tomorrow may be worse than today. I've also learned to live in today and not waste it waiting for something in the future or wishing things could be different. How can I make my today the best it can be? That's what I try to concentrate on. When our todays are less than we think they should be we have a tendency to look into the future with hope and live in that hope instead of living with what we have.

I believe that happiness is learning to live right now and grab each day and live it to it's fullest. That was a hard concept to learn for me. When I finally caught it I grieved for all the lost days I wasted waiting for something else.

I was once in the Twilight Zone too. You'll find your way out. The doors are within you.

Hugs,
MG

[Tom M]

Thanks M.G.
Thats what I am looking for, peace of mind! I think I am getting there slowly but surely.

[junem]

I tend to think those of us whose quality of thier sober life is compromised by mental illness learn to appreciate all the little moments of peace we can get. We certainly don't take such things for granted. I know that the odd time I actually am able to experience the emotion of joy or awe that I am so excited about it that I need to share it with as many people as i can.

[Anniemsb]

Tom, please read from "As Bill Sees It," #6 and #20 then let's talk. Love to you, Annie

[Tom M]

Ok Annie you gave me a home work assignment and I will get back to you when I am done. Thanks!