Making it through the Storm

[Anniemsb]

The welcome tells me the last time I logged in was 7-21-04, yes I think that is about right. I logged in then only to answer a private message, a condolence due to my Mother’s passing. She Passed suddenly on 7-16-04 and life got more difficult again. Their was so much to do even though it all fed my PTSD. I just kind of went from one thing to another trusting the fog would lift sooner or later and trusting my friends that had gathered around me. It really was amazing how many people that my Mother’s life had touched and now they wanted to help me, and I let them. Money was bad yet it was their when I needed it; dropped off by a loving friend or received with a card in the mail. When I couldn’t find an answer to something again it was given to me by friend or mail. People took time off work the day before the open house I had for my mother in August, to scrub my house clean and help me set up. I had checker through out the open house who would ask me how I was and if I needed to go to my “quiet� room for a few moments. We had planned that out before as I knew there would be a lot of people coming and I didn’t want to have a PTSD melt down. About 70 people came to my house to celebrate my Mother’s life and I never had to go to my “quite� room once, how’s that for progress! It was a beautiful day with 80 degree weather and lot’s of hugging, laughing, and some tears; it went well this last thing I had to do for my Mother and I was proud that I was granted the power to do it.

My life has been interesting to say the least as through all this their were many other things going on in it. I am dealing with the fact that my Step Father was my real Father and my half sister and I are really half sisters! She was flying in for the open house and I asked her if she knew that in an email before...... We cried a lot, cried tears of joy. She told my half brother and he was thrilled too. I got to know my sister all over again while she was here. My Uncle and his new wife came both of us knowing the truth now, and that was real nice too. My Aunt couldn’t come but we have talked on the phone a lot and that’s going well too. Of course I do not mention the abuse I suffered by my real Father, they don’t need to know that, what would be the point in it eh? Somehow I have forgiven him and can look at the good things he gave me now, because there were a lot of good things.

I guess the hardest thing was that before my Mom died I had finally made a confession to my therapist, Michael; and that was put on the back burner with mom’s passing. I finally admitted (and now here) that I do have voices that I know are not my guides and they are not beneficial to me, and that I have had these three (that I know of) for as long as I can remember. This was a BIG thing for me as i have never trusted anyone enough to tell them not even my Sponsor in the 21 years I have been sober. I am scared about this as with all the stress and the older I get they get stronger, and I have a family history of this. I don’t want to take the test that Michael would like me to, don’t want to “seal my faith� so to speak. Don’t want it in my file. There is still too much of a stigma about people hearing voices and changing personalities. Michael is worried, he is afraid the “cutting� will start again like when I was drinking, I am a little too. He talks to me about medication, but I won’t go on that kind of medication. I don’t want to live my life all numbed out, I am trying not to numb out remember? I don’t really know what to do, as my confession puts me in new territory; I just try and remember to take it One Day At A Time or one moment at a time if that is the best I can do.

Please don’t think it has all been bad or depressing because it has not. I found things that my Mother had written to me and that was rough but wonderful too. I can now rack up a few good days in a row, sometimes wonderful days. Will have to have Moms cat put to sleep soon too, found that out in the last two months too. Just can’t do that right now and he is not suffering yet. Mostly it is really amazing all the love and support that has come my way to help and guide me through all this, God, through people has really been their for me. I have not had a drink nor drug, I have let myself cry, I have let people help me, I do not have cuts on my body, and I have built a stronger relationship with my therapist, and I have dropped the mask that I hid my deepest, darkest secret behind...... finally. Now I don’t have to fight my other personalities alone. It’s all in my site, yes I even put my secret up their too and one of my personalities likes to paint and draw and I put up one of her paintings too. Maybe in doing that someone who is like me won’t have to feel so lost and alone with it as I have for over 40 years.

I am sorry for my absence and I thank those who sent me their kind words. I am hoping I can get back into things a little more now and get back to those who talk to me in PM, I have missed you, and I see I have a lot of reading to do here! Much Love to All, Annie

P.S. Oh and my basement flooded too during all this, what a mess that was!

Welcome back Annie!

I'm glad you're back.

Losing a parent is really hard. I lost my father 6 years ago and the sadness is still there. It just doesn't seem to go away.

When I went through all my flashbacks I thought it was terrible and it was so very hard. Now when I look back I'm just in awe of the process and I feel fortunate in a way to have gone on such a journey of self discovery. I've watched others having flashbacks and it just feels like a miracle to me when I watch it happen. I can't really explain it.

I just feel like you are a miracle in progress. I know this too shall pass and you will look back and see that you have something special that others can't understand.

Huge hugs,
MG

[Anniemsb]

Thank You Morning Glory! It is kind of different now that I can see the PTSD process a little, instead of BAM! Just ending up in a major panic or anxiety attack or flashbacks. Before I could not notice the little things that happen in the beginning that are really a warning I will soon go into a full PTSD melt down or major disassociate. I take notes now and pay attention as much as I can so I can right from the beginning try to calm myself down. Sometimes I can now and sometime I still can’t but that is progress.

It is kind of different now that I can see it start..... I just kind of watch it happen while trying to calm myself and I ask myself “ok what’s this about?� It’s kind of interesting in a strange sort of way isn’t it. There are many stages to the work up too I noticed. I find it odd that I never saw that before. It really is a big process the body and mind go through before the melt down, maybe it just happens slower now and that is why I can see it. It use to seem to happen so fast, in seconds really.

Sometimes now I try to just stand back and watch and remember what I can so I can learn more about this trip I’m on called PTSD. I kind of laugh at times as I think I have too many abbreviations attached to me: CFIDS, IBS, PTSD, and now they want to add DID/MP... It’s a good thing I don’t have to list all that after my name I’d run out of space and get writers cramp! Somedays it just all makes me so tired and I have a little hide away from it all too. What ever it takes to make it through, that's all that matters. Hugs Annie

I understand what you are saying. Mine used to just hit me in instant panic attacks. I went years like that before I started remembering things. Then when I started remembering and having flashbacks it all made sense. It still wasn't easy, but at least there seemed to be a process and a reason for the madness.

The next stage for me was thinking that I would be stuck in that forever. It just went on and on and on and on and then it finally stopped. I'm still stuck with some thought processes I will need to work through. I worked through a lot of things last year and something will trigger other things that are hiding from me. Our survival methods are very complex.

Hugs

[Anniemsb]

Yes, it seems like the more I get into it, reading, learning, trying to understand the PTSD, the more that comes up with it. Though I must say I am more willing to explore and talk about it, since I have admitted that I have a problem. Just like joinning AA really. I am learning to be powerful, and just because we get sober doesn't mean that life stops happening.... and when all else fails a hot bath or a bag of chips works pretty well!!! God grant me the Serenity...... Love to You, Annie