Perfectionists and Worriers

Perfectionists and Worriers.

The perfectionist often sets very high standards for him/herself…and sometimes for others. Certainly, lofty standards are a good thing but they can become a barrier rather than an aid to completing a task.


A man would do nothing, if he waited until he could do it so well that no one would find fault with what he has done.
Cardinal Newman, 1801-1890, British Preacher

It is helpful to think of good or normal perfectionism and problematic or neurotic perfectionism. Normal perfectionism involves the desire to excel and take pleasure from putting in extraordinary efforts without feeling compelled to be perfect. It is setting high personal standards while accepting one’s personal limitations, so one feels good about a job well done. Neurotic perfectionism involves excessively demanding standards that often cause the actor to feel stressed, unhappy and personally critical. Sometimes perfectionists are actually less effective because they fret about mistakes, worry about slow progress, and try too hard to impress others. Some are upset by negative self-evaluations; it is almost: “if I’m not perfect, I am bad.� At least, they have a strong need to avoid mistakes. Sometimes, however, they harshly focus on their errors and stupidity instead of figuring out how to correct or avoid their mistakes. In a few cases, neurotic perfectionism can contribute strongly to despair, fear and depression.

The worrier and the perfectionist probably learned this kind of thinking as a child from a parent. Perhaps they adopt their parents’ inappropriate standards or internalize their negative judgments. The perfectionistic parent feels badly if his/her child fails, then pressures the child to make no mistakes or to be a "little angel." The child learns that making mistakes leads to the loss of love but doing something perfect means "I'm OK." Since the child's self-evaluation is based on what others think of him/her, it becomes important to be perfect all the time. As the child gets older, the standards are set higher and higher, increasing the chance of failing.

A child may seek approval by being compulsive or orderly or overly concerned with cleanliness. Of course, these behaviors may be in your genes too. Hewitt and Flett (2002) describe three kinds of perfectionism: (1) Individually maladaptive�when a person is obsessed with possibly failing to reach impractical self-assigned goals, resulting in anxiety and/or depression. (2) Socially induced�where the person’s culture or general social environment demands very high performance, resulting in feeling unable to make the grade. (3) Imposed by specific others�usually a parent, a boss or a spouse who insists on perfection, resulting in a miserable situation. In short, there are several ways to get there.

Are you perfectionistic? Consider these questions: Do you try to do the best you possibly can in almost everything you do? Do you avoid doing things you can't do well? Do you get upset and harshly criticize yourself when you make a mistake? Is being average embarrassing to you? Do you expect to be outstanding if you work hard enough? Are you sacrificing your personal life for your career? Do you think people will think less of you if you don't do well? Do you value being precise and logical, and distrust your intuition and emotions? Do you over-emphasize the importance of what you say or do, or of your work? Do you often feel that one little flaw ruins the whole thing? Do people call you nit-picky or a control freak? Do you expect to be a super parent or to please everyone? Do you often feel guilty? Do you expect a lot of others too? If you are answering "yes," you are probably a perfectionist, maybe overly controlled and a workaholic too. Mallinger & DeWyze (1993) is a good reference for a compulsive perfectionist.

In general (there are exceptions), worriers with impossibly high standards are not better decision makers and more productive than people with more reasonable standards. Perfectionists are often over-demanding on themselves and have lower rather than higher self-esteem, poorer rather than better relationships (they expect perfect partners too), and less stick-to-it-iveness rather than more, according to David Burns (1980). Perfectionists strive for the impossible; they say to themselves "I must...should...ought to," rather than "I want...wish...would like." They are often slavishly avoiding failure, rather than eagerly pursuing excellence. They think in the same illogical ways depressives do (see theories above), e.g. they set unreachable goals, and then judge themselves to be failures. In addition, constant worry causes health problems. Tell yourself that it is unnecessary to be perfect; being average in many or most ways is just fine. You can change the way you think; you can avoid too high demands in the future and discard excessive regrets about the past (Freeman & DeWolf, 1989). But it may not be easy; perfectionists often fail to improve much in therapy.

There are seven steps in the treatment for perfectionism proposed by Burns: (1) list advantages and disadvantages of striving to be perfect, which should encourage the person to give it up, (2) rate the expected and then the actual satisfaction with several activities, which will show the person that he/she doesn't have to be perfect to enjoy an activity, (3) try for an entire day to rate many things as either perfect or not perfect, proving to the rater that the world isn't black (imperfect) or white (perfect) although he/she may think that way, (4) record for a day each self-critical thought and consider what would be a more reasonable and self-tolerant viewpoint, (5) design an experiment to test the idea that people won't respect you if you are not successful (actually many will like you better when you mess up occasionally and admit it), (6) learn to handle criticism by role playing that situation (see chapter 13), and (7) experiment with different standards, i.e. try for an "average" meal, a "below average" essay answer, a "poor" appearance one day and "a little above average" the next, etc. Bring a little variety into your life, not just perfect, perfect, perfect... Loosen up, it's usually more relaxed and fun that way.

Another self-help book (Elliott & Meltsner, 1990) also shows how to tell the subtle but important differences between seeking excellence and demanding perfection of yourself. Striving to do your best is very different from insisting on being perfect and better than everyone else. One is free; the other is a slave to an impossible standard. One welcomes challenges, the other dreads the task because he/she may not be perfect this time and someone else might do better. One faces the reality that people and things are not perfect, the other lives a lie, believing everything has to be done well. Elliott and Meltsner identify four types of perfectionists and, like Burns, suggest ways to stop driving yourself crazy. People who can't tolerate uncertainty--and who insist that the world be the way they want it to be--are likely to be worriers.

There are, of course, payoffs for being a worrier (worrying is also discussed in chapter 5, both under worries and obsessions). Examples of payoffs: in many instances, moderate worry will motivate us to work harder and create better solutions but excessive worry interferes with careful thinking and usually wastes time. Yet, we often have the illusory belief that worrying a lot will help prevent something bad from happening. Besides, if the outcome is bad, we feel less guilty and disappointed if we have worried and fretted over the matter. Also, if we worry a lot, people will think we are trying hard, e.g. a worried parent thinks this proves he/she is a good parent and assumes others will see him/her the same way. Worriers make mountains out of mole hills; that may get them attention. Moreover, if you worry and exaggerate the awfulness of some possible event, if and when it actually happens, you experience the event as less scary than if it were unanticipated.

It may also seem safe to become like your own parent who was a worrier. We may falsely attribute good fortune to worrying; thus, a person who worries about being assaulted, and never is, may think the worrying has paid off. Worrying about the outcome of a project may actually interfere with its completion; an unfinished project avoids failure (it can't be perfect). Worry often diverts attention away from the real concern: a young person worrying about being assaulted in the big city may actually be more concerned about leaving home and his/her parents. Likewise, the mother worried about her children may really be more concerned about her marriage. Certainly, no one enjoys feeling a little mistaken, not quite a "10" in looks, a little irresponsible or criticized by their parents, but perfectionism, self-criticism, and worry seem to yield unhealthy payoffs. By honestly understanding the reasons why we have useless, unpleasant worries, perhaps we can learn to stop the excessive internal critic.

Worrying is often a spiral starting with a “what if� thought, such as “what if� something terrible happens�then “what if� something else awful follows that, and so on through a series of “what ifs.� The body tightens up. The mind fills up with more and more thoughts about mounting problems and looming catastrophes. You feel overwhelmed by the fantasies. The solution, according to Deanne Rapich (see http://www.ConquerAnxiety.com/?mSG1a1), is to

(1) Recognize you are being inundated by your own negative imaginings. So, get a good grasp of those thoughts by writing brief descriptions of your “what if� thoughts and fantasies so you can clearly identify the dreaded thoughts and fears as soon as they occur. Many of these ideas will be old habits of thought and foolish improbable notions that have shaken you up and put you down for years. Go through the worrisome “what if� thoughts you recorded and try to figure out your basic fears or core beliefs. Often you are afraid that people will get mad at you or judge you badly. Sometimes, we fear making stupid mistakes or doing something that would shock or offend others.

(2) The second step is to develop a more reasonable, more accurate, more positive expectation of what will happen. Ask yourself if the feared “what if� event occurred, what would really happen after that? Question your extreme predictions, for example, that others might not like something you do but everybody will not hate you…and those who get upset will not stay bent out of shape forever. Ask yourself what are the chances you could avoid making the mistakes you worry about and/or learn some new skills or a different approach? Now you can replace the exaggerated awful idea about what will happen with a more accurate, less worrisome expectation. At this point, you are prepared to quickly attack the “what if� thought the next time it occurs.

(3) The third step is, of course, to reinforce the new positive beliefs by repeating the ideas over and over. You can build new habits of thought. Almost certainly millions of people have learned, entirely on their own, to avoid depressing worries, to put them out of mind. See the worry section in Chapter 5 (http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap5/chap5q.htm#a). You can, of course, be a worrier without being perfectionistic.



A tourist approached three men working with huge blocks of stone and asked, "What are you doing?" One said, "Bustin' my butt cutting hard stone." "Earning only five dollars a day," frowned another. "Building a great cathedral!" said the third with a smile.
-Unknown source

By understanding the development in several ways of our unhelpful perfectionism, perhaps we can come to grips with it (Adderholdt-Elliott, 1988). It is probably an old well worn habit. Maybe your parents were strict and punitive? Maybe you felt you needed to do real well to make up for weaknesses? Maybe being perfect was a way of avoiding punishment or getting attention and praise as a child? Maybe you became very anxious and self-critical when you didn't do well socially or in school, sports, games, or chores? Maybe trying real hard helped you feel better…or did it make you feel worse? As the reasons for your becoming perfectionistic become clearer, you may realize that you no longer need to keep making neurotic perfectionistic demands on yourself. Get on with living. Uncertainty is a part of life. You can’t control everything but you can handle whatever happens.

[2stop]

This was very helpful to me. I wrote down all the suggestions and steps....and intend to work on them.....imperfectly too! Allow myself to grow naturally and at my own pace. I noticed as I was writing I was trying to be so neat and do it just so..LOL...step at a time..the self sabotage tries to butt in whenever and wherever it can.

Thanks again MG!!! *Hugs*

I have this bad too 2stop and the OCD.

Don't feel alone!

Hugs,
MG

[serenity777]

Hi MorningGlory,
OH MY!!!!!!!! Thanks for posting this...!!! I was reading a post here (I think it was friday) about what we would do with $5,000....well, lol I couldnt decide what to do with it.......and it was only for fun........geeeeeeezzzzzz LOL I started thinking why I never feel HAPPY or PEACEFUL!!! (well, not never) Anyway, I KNOW it comes from thinking I having to do everything PERFECT!!! I hate that!!! So, I'm going to try the suggestion above...Writing down the perfectist thoughts and replacing them...and finding the Core Belief!!! A counselor once had me and a friend do that!!! never really kept it up...but it was interesting.....!!!
Now, I understand why I have a hard time getting a task done to completion....because I think of something else I have to do, then something else, then....etc. LOL and on and on....thinking I have to get it all done TODAY!!!
And relaxing.....hmmm? what's that? Lighten UP!!! lol Serenity777

We have heavy brains. I know I'm getting tired, lol.

People who can't tolerate uncertainty--and who insist that the world be the way they want it to be--are likely to be worriers.

[2stop]

I hear ya on the OCD MG...good grief some of the thoughts that pop into our heads..last week I wrestled with mowing out front..because I had thoughts of running into the street with the mower(not self harm) just axdam crazy thought...LOL..oh my..I think I will try the suggestions for the OCD also. Couldn't hurt to try!
*hugs*