Yogagurl

I would like to welcome anyone who has been in a relationship with an emotionally/verbally abusive spouse/partner to comment on the residual effects of the trauma. I feel like I have anxiety when I talk to men now, like I still walk on egg shells a bit and I’m afraid to be myself. Almost like I have lost a bit of my identity and I’m still not in touch with it. I have not sought out counseling yet. I guess I need to.
My questions are: what are some of the residual effects of the emotional trauma you experienced? What did you do to try to resolve these scars?
Thanks to all. Love and light.
__________________

Frostyfrost

Just took time to find myself, and I never actually noticed I changed but everyone else noticed.
It took some time, maybe a year after we broke up to stop being scared of him and see him for what he was which is a weak person, and he doesn't even bother me now. Although it took him almost two years to stop stalking me and take a hint. I went to the police in the end, he actually rented a property on my street to stalk me, creepy or what!
At first I didn't go to the police becuase he always threatened to kill himself and guilt trip me, but after the years it got to the point I was like, well you know what, ******* kill yoirself then you're a pain in the arse. Well I didn't actually say that to him but the threats didn't work anymore becuase in the end I had no feelings for him, even pity had gone.
But he's still single, and he was seeing someone who apparently broke it off after a few weeks saying he was too aggressive.

Time and distance resolve the scars. Well for me it did.

advbike

I'm the same way. I was in a long term relationship with a woman I really cared about but she had a short fuse, and once she got angry I didn't cope well. Everything had to be hashed out, and she would dominate the argument, oftentimes not allowing me to explain or make a point without another rebuttal coming at me. It was always my fault, and I carried a lot of guilt and shame. Phone calls were just as abusive, except that I could hang up.

My general manner of coping, because I hate confrontation, would be to just retreat, and stuff my feelings. That's what we did in my family growing up. I also found myself watching what I would say, not bringing things up because of the fear of another argument occurring.

Of course all of these coping strategies build resentments, and sometimes I would blow, releasing my pent up anger. I saw a psychologist who was the one who eventually told me this was emotional abuse on her part. And also that I was codependent. I finally ended the relationship, and did it badly, again because I had so much pent up anger, and guilt for leaving.

To get to your point, I have recently been involved with another person and have found that I still have trouble setting boundaries, and am reluctant to bring things up - for fear of a big blowout occurring. I still fear confrontation and expect any discussion of the relationship will result in a blowout. I still stuff my feelings, and wonder how I will extricate myself from this one. It's sad, but I just never learned how to have healthy, non-emotional discussions growing up. As you can imagine, this inability to set boundaries and state my needs creates co-dependency, and I clearly still have work to do in this area.

advbike

As far as what has helped.. I practice some positive affirmations on a daily basis, and also have done a lot of reading - Tolle, and De Mello especially, to understand the the anxiety created by my ego and overactive mind. I use mindfulness to quiet those negative thoughts and be more present. Cheers.