The Cycle of Recovery

[Don W]

I was wondering if, like me, your recovery travels in cycles. An example of what I'm talking about is this. You know how, if someone has a loss or illness there is a cycle to get better. First, there is the grief, and then maybe the sadness, and in many cases there is anger, then they come to the point of acceptence. Then they start to recover. Someone told me once that you have to go through all these stages to be able to fully recovery. I'm not sure that is so, in all cases, but, I think it is in mine. They also told me that this process can be delayed for sometimes years. There are things that can stop the process, like addiction, denial etc. They also mentioned that it isn't always something good we have lost. Example, although it was a bad thing, many of us grieve the loss of our addiction, be it drugs, alcohol, Butts, what ever. Well that was about 10 years ago. All of a sudden it feels like it has a place in my PTSD recovery. When I have a flashback, try and do away with it. If, I'm successful, even though it was bad, it was part of what made up Don W. I almost, feel like a sadness. I then start to grieve, not so much for the memory but, for the fact it was part of me. I then get to the place where I'm at today. I was angry from the start today. I didn't know why at first but, now know why. I let out in a posting the other night in a posting one of those flashbacks. Today, I'm feeling anger that I should have felt years ago, but the alcohol delayed it. I'm angry that those things were done to me. I'm angry that nobody stepped forward and stopped it. I'm even a little angry at God, sadly, for not protecting me. I can now look back at this past year, and see that I've felt this same anger before. Not just before but, before I moved further into recovery. Morning Glory, is this what you meant before when you told us we needed to face our issues, feel the pain and then we can recover? I alsays feel amazed that someone will tell me something and sometimes, maybe even years later, it comes into play in my life. People have told me AA sloggans, and months later, it is like a light bulb went on in my head. OH! That's what that means. I just wanted to put this out for some food for thought. Even if I've only convinced those, that only thought I was crazy, now know I'm crazy. Don W

[dotcom]

i see what your saying don. delayed anger is weird. sort of feel like an injustice has been done, but its way too late to do anything about it so it makes you even angrier. then all of a sudden when you least expect it, the anger leaves and theres a part of you thats okay with the outcome and is ready to move on. then the next thing comes along and from the past experience you see that hey, theres hope that i might not be angry forever about this however impossible that sounds because at the time it seems like your seems are busting with rage.

i know what you mean about greiving bad things. my ex SO passed away in march and it was not a good thing we had by any means but i went through a lot of emotions with that and am still not sure where i stand with that. i sort of talk about him like a statistic because that way it doesnt hurt or anything like that. im angry, hurt, very sad, a little relieved ... all completely different feelings but i guess they are a part of getting well from the greif? ive also spent a lot of time grieving meth, my doc. even though i know it was so bad, i still missed it and had strong feelings for it.

dont worry don, you are not crazy. you have a lot of insight and i appreciate your posts! im going to try to stick around in this forum unless i get too paranoid then i will know it is the forum thats making me paranoid but i doubt that. its just, well i dont need to explain myself to you or anyone on this forum because i feel sort of understood.

hugs,

dot

[best]

Originally Posted by Don W

..... I'm angry that nobody stepped forward and stopped it. I'm even a little angry at God, sadly, for not protecting me. I can now look back .... I moved further into recovery. ....when told we needed to face our issues, feel the pain and then we can recover.
I always feel amazed that someone will tell me something and sometimes, maybe even years later, it comes into play in my life. People have told me AA sloggans, and months later, it is like a light bulb went on in my head. OH! That's what that means. I just wanted to put this out for some food for thought.

Have been told the same... a cycle that needs run its' full course.
and yes it is a part of who we are. I am greatful in a way because my past has helped mold me into who I am today. I would rather have learned the lessons in another manner but I am very greatful that we do learn from our mistakes. Would be something to get angry about if we had to go through such and not learn a thing.


as I cut and read between the lines...I see a wonderful recovery in the works.

Alcohol and drugs can be a like a blindfold. I was told and till I reached the point "I" was willing to listen... well that understanding helped put the self anger behind me. Others do try to stop us, we may not see it or accept it when they tried. Like you said... a lightbulb months later *Smile*

Don,

Everything you said makes sense to me. I know you're not crazy!!

I was lost for many years in pain and dysfunctional behavior. I couldn't see my way until my memories came up and then I could see why I was the way I was and it all started making sense. Then the anger comes. I believe that anger is just the opposite side of the victim coin. Pain and anger come from being victimized. Then comes the grief. Grief of what happened to us. Grief when we realize that our life isn't what we thought it was. Understanding that the abandonment and pain we felt came from past issues instead of present issues. Life isn't what we made it up to be. Reality can be a hard pill to swallow.

After the grief comes acceptance. We can accept what happened and accept our losses and move on into gratitude. Gratitude knowing that our HP used every circumstance to bring us closer. Looking back and seeing the miracle of our recovery. It really was a miracle for me. No other term could describe it. I watched your miracle this year Don. I was there last year late at night wondering if you were going to make it until the next morning.

We now have a gift to give to others. The gift we have came to us through great pain. I wouldn't trade my gift for better circumstances.

One of my favorite stories is about a lame girl who followed the shepherd to the high places with sorrow and suffering as her companions. Every time she gave something up to continue her journey she picked up a stone and put it in a bag. At the end of the journey she handed the bag of stones to the shepherd and he turned the stones into jewels and placed the jewels in a crown and placed the crown on her head.

You're gathering stones Don

Love and hugs,
MG

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[sidney]

Your post carries alot of weight, like the stones.
Sid