What's w/ the self-harm urges?

[eddie z.]

Why do people with trauma in their past self-harm? Why do I want to just scratch my own face off? Is there a way to get rid of these urges? I just spent almost a month in partial hopitalization/intensive outpatient and I'm still pretty sick. Are these feelings like cravings to an addict, something that I'll always have? I'm kind of scared...
Thanks! Love, Eddie

Hi Eddie,

I can't speak from experience on this one, but I really believe it's a coping method. When we go through trauma we figure out a way to survive it. We don't usually choose healthy ways to deal with it because we don't have the knowledge or the support to do so. We find some way of coping. Something that makes us feel better. We all choose different things.

Here is a link that might help.

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/self.html

I learned to develop better coping methods when I got in touch with the reasons I was using the dysfunctional coping methods or when the method just didn't work for me any longer. I think awareness is the key to changing it.

The answers are there for you. You just can't see them yet.

Hugs,
MG

[eddie z.]

Thanks, MG!! I read the "Why?" section on that link and it partially answered some of my questions. And it reminded me that I need to set up an appoinment with my therapist. I haven't seen her in a while because I was in that program and now I need follow-up.

Is that your kitty? What's its name? You can probably tell I love cats! Thanks again.
Love, Eddie

[sidney]

Eddie,
I feel like that alot. Im going to check out the website that MG posted too. Whenever I get frustrated or angry (which is alot) I ALWAYS internalize it and turn myself on myself. (make sense). It's some kind of backwards coping skill that Ive had most of my life. Its hard and also not very good for ones self-esteme. The closest I've gotten to dealing with it is to acknowledge it to myself, but it doesnt make me feel any better. Hank in there.

Sidney

That's my kitty Eddie. Her name is Potato. My grandkids named her. I call her Potato Bug most of the time. She is my shadow.

I also internalize everything. My self harm is mental. I mentally beat myself up.
It's hard to find the answers on how to correct some of these things. I've done it for so long that it is who I am. I'm not at all who I used to be though so I know that who I am can change for the better.

I know I need some more of those light bulb moments.

Hugs to you both,
MG

[eddie z.]

Thanks, Sidney!!

MG,
Love your Potato Bug!

I did self-injury in a WIDE variety of forms from about age 11 to almost 36, but I haven't done any since I got clean. Since I DID get clean, I worry about old unhealthy "coping" skills resurfacing� the self-harm, overeating, promiscuity. I just wonder if and when the urges go away. Has working the 12 Steps helped anyone? I suppose I shouldn't fret since I haven't acted on the urges. Or should I...? :shrug:

�Eddie

P.S. Here's my eldest, Patsy.

She looks a bit like Potato. It's hard to tell from upside down though, lol.

That's great that you're not acting on the urges!!

Try to pay attention to what happens just before you have the urge. Maybe you can pin point it and come up with a plan to train your mind to think differently when it happens. See if something triggers it. When triggered do something that makes you feel good. We can retrain our minds.

I started taking Prozac last year and stayed on it for several months. I got Potato right at the time when the Prozac kicked in. The Prozac would give me such peace at night before bed and I would pet Potato before falling asleep. My mind associated Potato with the effect of the Prozac. I'm not on the Prozac any longer, but all I have to do is pet Potato now to bring that peace. I think my mind associated petting potato with releasing endorphins or something. It's very interesting.

[eddie z.]

Yes, she does look like Potato, except Patsy has a lot more white. And did you know there's a book about food and mood called Potatoes, Not Prozac? I guess for you it'd be PotatO, Not Prozac! LOL. They say petting a cat lowers your blood pressure, too, I think. Here's my youngest, Marcel, aka Morsel, when he was just a morsel... Oh, well.

They are so cute Eddie and I love your avatar too.

[eddie z.]

Thanks! I don't know if she has a name, but I call her "Swish."

[runningfree]

Well ladies the dog lover in me has to respond! It is quite soothing to have a dog too! They are so loving in their own right!

This self-harm thing is so close to home. I have been doing it for quite some time and I am ready to put an end to it, but this voice keeps winning out and beating me up. Not physically of course, but mentally. If I try to go for a run which is very difficult these days, I can't even finish because I have ripped myself to shreds. I don't like, but something gets control of me and I fall into the trap.
Eddie,
Glad to hear from you. I've been around, but not quite sure where to call home...
ACOA or here or MH. I've just been skipping.
Take care. I am sad that you are not feeling well because you have been so uplifting for me.
School is out is 2 days. Hooray! Hey just a funny story then I have to get to work! Remember I told you that I got a new car and I told you that the psychiatrist i had for issuing meds had said that my expectations were too high and that "this is as good as it gets". Well... I can't be lucky enough to win the lottery, but I can casually be picking my dog up at the groomers and he hits and dents my parked car!!! What are the chances. He has been very nice but I can't believe that I had to see him let alone have this happen. THought that would make you laugh.
Good Night.
Sharon

[eddie z.]

Are you talking about the $500-a-pop psychiatrist? Even if not, that is pretty funny, but it's especially funny if it was.

Do you get "ripped to shreds" running through briers (sp?) and stuff? I used to run "off road" and my endorphins would be so high I didn't even notice the scratches until I stopped and I was bleeding all over the place. I never included that in my catalog of self-harm, though.

Oh, I dig dogs, too. And I can prove it. Here's my Lab, Casey.

[sidney]

MG,
Im confused about Eddie (nothing new) Is that your cat or a person or you.
I'm mixed up.
Jareds QTc is up with the medication increase, I think I told you but I'm not sure. I will have to check my last post.
Sidney

[eddie z.]

I'm confused about what you're confused about me. I'm just a chick with a guy's name is all. Does that answer your question? Check out the (ancient) photo below.

Is Jared on Geodon? Is that what's causing the QTc increase?

[sidney]

Eddie,
Im sorry. For some reason I thought you were one of the cats. Just stupid considering Ive already posted to you. I've been really sick lately and have not been able to sleep. Thats the only excuse I can think of for being so stupid. I hope your doing well. Maybe seeing your therapist again will help you with your self-harm urges. I wish I had a therapist right now. I sure could use one. It helps alot to come to this board. I feel fortunate to have people here who care and I can talk to.

Blessings,
Sidney

[eddie z.]

Oh, please don't call yourself stupid; it's not good for you. Maybe you're just slightly addled. LOL. Sometimes I WISH I were a cat!

If you need a therapist, get one. They're worth it. Why don't you have one? Is it the $$$ ? I can understand that, but there should be community resources available for free or on sliding scale.

I hope you're feeling better!
Love, Eddie

[sidney]

Eddie,
You make me laugh. I was laughing at myself and what you said. I did have a therapist at the rape crisis center here for about 30 weeks. I am finding alot of support on this board. I know Im not stupid I think I just got confused.
I was having a fever on and off and not myself at all. I swear when I get sick my IQ drops. Thanks for being so understanding. I hope you are doing well. I respect you and your progress. As they say "Rock On".

Love and Light,
Sidney

[eddie z.]

I swear when I get sick my IQ drops.

Now you're making me laugh! But I know what you mean about being delirious with fever. It's like your brain is boiling or something.

�Eddie

[sidney]

Eddie,
I forgot to answer your question about geodon. He's not on it but when
they did try it (since they've tried everything out there) he did develope a long QT. He's on clozaril.
Hope your having a good day. I have Jared home for a day pass. He's playing on his computer now. I usually just let him relax and do the things that he's missing in the hospital.
They will be doing another EKG on Monday.

Blessings,
Sidney

[eddie z.]

All I know about Jared I read on this thread, so not much. I'm assuming he's your son. How old is he? Does he live in the hospital? Has he been on Abilify? That's the newest drug in that class. Well, I hope you're enjoying your visit!
Love, Eddie

[sidney]

Eddie,
Yes, they've tried abilify. They've tried everything possible. The only medication that work on the psychosis is the clozaril. When they reduced it due to his long QT he declined rapidly. His QT is still to high, in fact its gotten higher. He is in the university childrens psyche hospital here. It's not like a hospital setting. They have cottages, I think about 6, for the kids. It depends on your age and condition. Jared is in an "acute cottage". He has been there the longest. We thought he would only have to stay about a week while they adjusted his meds but then the cardiac problem showed up.
It's actually a pretty nice setting . There are two large playgrounds and a huge grass area. Several big trees too.
I will be taking him back in about an hour. He's watching "The Hulk" right now and Im cooking him dinner. You seem to know a bit about the antipsychotics. Do you work in a medical field? I work with kid with special needs. Right now, specifically with two autistic children. I have done so much research over the years on all these meds that I'm a walking PDR. I'm almost obsessed with it since things seem to be always changing with Jared.
He will be 15 on the 30th of this month. What a long uphill battle its been.

Best,
sidney

[eddie z.]

I was practicing as a pharmacist until my addiction got me into BIG trouble. Now I'm working on specializing as a psychiatric pharmacist on my way to becoming the pharmacist version of a nurse practitioner. Plus I have a twenty-year personal psych history, so I know a thing or two about the meds. What, may I ask, is/are Jared's diagnosis/es?

Love, Eddie

[eddie z.]

Testing and playing!

[sidney]

Eddie,
They have already tried abilify. They have tried everything. Jared is my son, he is soon to be 15. He has been in and out of the childrens psyche hospital here since he was six. It's a good hospital for what it's worth. Top notch docs. Its at the university here. The problem Im having , which you have may have picked up on, is his meds. I havnt gone back and reread my posts. I have talked alot to MG. The only med that has helped with his psychosis, hallucinations, suicidal tendencies and more has been the cloziril, but at this point he is having a cardiac reaction to it which could kill him. So I am torn. We have quality of life on one hand, and living in hell on the other. Its making me sick. He is due for another EKG tomorrow.
You seem to have knowledge of the antipsysotics. If you have any ideas at all Im am open to them. Jared is also had tardive dyskensia on some of these so he is not open to the older antipsychotics . He is the most difficult case the hospital has ever had. If there is a dangerous side effect he has it.
His diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, extremely rare in children. The worst of the worst. Schizophrenia and bipolar.
Thanks for listening,
Blessings to you,
Sidney

[eddie z.]

Orap (pimozide) (can prolong QT interval also), Moban (molindone), and Loxitane (loxapine) are some older antipsychotics that aren't often used. Has he been on these also? I'm assuming he's been through Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel, right? I hope that ECG looks alright tomorrow!! There's a threshold for the QT interval which may not be reached even if the interval is prolonged, so hopefully he won't be that high.
Love, Eddie