Forms Of Emotional Battering

INSULTS: Constant criticism, which emotionally injures your personal, emotional, sexual, professional, or other selves. Insults can greatly undermine your self-confidence and eventually cripple you emotionally.


REJECTION: Direct or indirect statements, which create feelings of unworthiness. Insults and rejections teach the victim that she/he is not worthy of receiving loving behavior. Rejections can be used as punishment for not cooperating with an abusive pattern. Also abusers may deliver a rejection in an attempt to justify their anger towards you.

EMOTIONAL THREATS AND ACCUSATIONS: Direct or indirect statements about the intent to cause emotional or physical harm, or to create emotional loss to yourself or those you love, depend on, or are responsible for. This includes lying about your behavior, attitudes, or emotional state to anyone else in such a way that you cannot defend yourself.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: A statement or behavior, which uses your fear, guilt, insecurity, or confusion to trap you into giving the abuser power over you. Most victims prefer their private lives to remain private. To an already terrorized person, emotional blackmail may result in a blank check to the abuser in her/his life.

CRAZY-MAKING STATEMENTS AND BEHAVIOR: Distorts reality and destroys the possibility of honest communication creating confusion and insecurity. Examples include: -- saying one thing and meaning/doing another, acting ignorant about a known subject, stating a lie as if it were a known truth, having good intentions or regrets which are never acted upon.


NOT BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY, BEING IGNORED AND NEGLECTED: And other ways of undermining self-esteem. Ignored requests and denied needs cause self-doubt and emotional pain. It leaves one feeling unimportant and possibly undeserving of fair treatment.

SOCIAL AND SEXUAL PREJUDICE: Added to all the other forms of emotional abuse which females suffer, society often perceives women as helpless, emotionally immature and often irrational. Once an abusive relationship is ended, they still struggle with being treated fairly. Fortunately, the assertive skills learned, as a recovering victim can be put to good use in a sexist society.

POSSESSIVE AND PUNITIVE BEHAVIOR: Perceiving a person as property. The behavior can include: jealousy, limiting freedom, creating isolation, denying capabilities, blocking opportunities to develop skills, talents, and potential.

BASING A RELATIONSHIP ON UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: The abuser assumes he/she knows what is best for the victim. Being denied the opportunity to discover and define oneself prevents the possibility of developing a mutually beneficial and realistic relationship. By imposing self-interests upon another person, the abuser creates an emotionally unhealthy obligation for both people.

HUMAN RIGHTS
THE RIGHT TO make mistakes . . . and be imperfect
THE RIGHT TO refuse requests without having to feel guilty or selfish
THE RIGHT TO judge your own behavior and take responsibility for your own actions
THE RIGHT TO offer no reasons or excuses to justify your behavior
THE RIGHT TO change your mind
THE RIGHT TO feel and to express feelings, including anger, as long as you don't violate another's rights
THE RIGHT TO be competitive and to achieve
THE RIGHT TO enjoy rest and leisure
THE RIGHT TO have your needs considered as important as the needs of others
THE RIGHT TO decide which activities will fulfill those needs
THE RIGHT TO have your opinion respected
THE RIGHT TO be independent
THE RIGHT TO say "I don't know" or "I don't care"
THE RIGHT TO get what you pay for
THE RIGHT TO ask for information from professionals
THE RIGHT TO decide when to be assertive
THE RIGHT TO not be responsible for another's attitudes and/or feelings
THE RIGHT TO be treated as a capable adult and taken seriously

RIGHTS ALSO INVOLVE RESPONSIBILITIES

[LizzyB]

MG, Thank-you so much for this...It's like you've read my mind this morning. My husband and I are going through a nasty separation...and he's pulling everything out of his little bag of tricks. I'm exhausted, emotionally.

I'm not only trying to come to terms with his infidelity...but because I've finally drawn my line in the sand, he's become very emotionally abusive. I can recognize these behaviours for what they are...his attempt to regain control over me, but it's still difficult none the less.

It's like a Jeckle/Hyde thing. One minute he's sweet as pie...the next, he seems to be trying everything in his power to bring me to my knees. It would be so much easier if I never had to see or speak to him again...but we have an 11 year old son together. This seperation is also very fresh...and there are a lot of loose ends to tie up.

Reading your post has really helped me this morning. It's like I can see him in everyone of your points...it was like road map to his thought process. It may sound trite...but the expression, "know thine enemy" springs to mind. The more I read what is in front of me...the easier it is to dissmiss his words and actions as his "issues", and not to view them as my shortcomings, or deficiencies. I will read this again...everyday...Thanks again MG...I always get so much from your posts.

Lizzy,

I proud of you for drawing that line and honoring your own boundaries. That's not an easy task. I know it's painful and I know it gets ugly. I've been there.

Don't forget to add a "quack" to that thought process.

Hugs,
MG

[Don W]

Hi Morning Glory, Thanks for your post. I have a hard time with my wife on this topic.
She will pick at me for this and that. I will say something and she will start with, " what I'm not suppose to say something to poor Don. She is understanding in so many ways but, this. I can almost replace her voice with my father's. Then, I start to wonder, am I being to sensitive? I will try and pick up after myself, I clean the house so when she gets home it will be nice. I will forget one thing and she will point it out. The other week on a Sunday, I got up and made us French Toast, home made bread.
I got some fresh strawberries and blueberries and some chocolate and regular whipped cream. I set the food all nice and fancy. I called her, she took a look and said, " All I wanted was an egg. I was hurt and told her so. Then she belittled me for making a big deal about it. This is where I have trouble with the new Don. The old Don, would have pretended it didn't bother me. Heck, The old Don wouldn't be up Sunday 7am making breakfast. Do any of you have problems with some subjects when dealing with family. Like I said, she is so understanding in other areas. I have to keep learning to seperate normal husband and wife stuff from stuff meant to hurt. Thanks again everyone for being here. Don W

[zoomer]

I have had emotional abuse for years from just about everyone. I'm making my stand,but it's hard. I'v always felt or made to feel less than others. Today, I'm trying to beleive it's not true,but it's real hard when you got it coming at you from all sides. Gosh, it was so easy to think "perhaps they are right" and let them take control and people are not use to me taking contol or if I do at times, I made to feel like I'm crazy. Anyway, I'm trying hard to make my stand on some issues and I get the physical symtoms when I do. Like shaking,crying feeling all the anger come up from deep down inside ready to make my head blow off and then those symtoms makes me feel perhaps I can't handle things. I feel like a wonded animal right now and want to be left alone. I also fear my anger because I bite back and then get upset at myself when I do.

[ted]

ZOOMER REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE DESERVING THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER.
YOU ARE LOVED BY MANY............
STAY STRONG MY FRIEND..GODSPEED ...................ted

[zoomer]

((((((((((((((huggys Ted)))))))))))))) and thank you! You know SR is just about the only place I get acceptance. This is where I feel the most loved!

Zoomer,

I used to go through that. I made my stand. It took some time, but I don't let people treat me bad now. If they don't stop then I separate myself from them and keep distance between us. Being treated right involves loss sometimes. There is a price to pay, but it's not like the price of emotional abuse.

Try to control your emotions and state to them how you would like to be treated and what it is that you don't like. It takes people time to understand. If after a reasonable amount of time they don't stop then separate yourself and put distance between you. Sometimes members of our family are conditioned to treat us a certain way. . Then we choose other relationships that fall into the same category because it's what we are used to.

Practice what you will say so that you feel like you're more in control and it will be easier to control your emotions if it happens again. Remember that it's their bad behavior and has nothing to do with you. Take your inventory and see if there is anything you did to offend anyone. If not then it's their problem and their property. Don't try to change them or convince them that they're wrong. Tell them you don't like it and leave it at that. A person who continues to do something that you don't like is not someone you want in your life much.

I also had to accept the fact that my family was not going to feel about me the way I wanted them too. It still hurts sometimes when I'm triggered.

Hugs,
MG

[zoomer]

(((((((((((huggs back at you MG)))))))))))))), I do have to say my currant husband always trys to say positive things to me,but I either feel paternized or that he is just trying to get out of hot water LOL. I feel mixed up right now and not sure about things. I know that I have a feeling of low self worth and that is noones fault except for conditioning as a kid. I do have some self confidence,but it has dwendled away in the past several years. I did have a great thyripist that helped me with some issues a couple of months back. What I need to do is find some good face to face friends,but I have a huge chip on my shoulder and don't trust many people any more. It gets to be very lonily at times.

I know how you feel Zoomer.

When you learn to trust yourself it won't matter if you are able to trust others. They don't have control over you. Keep working on your boundaries and learn to be assertive in an active way instead of a reactive way. I'm still working on that myself. I still have a lot to learn.

[zoomer]

LOL, I'm like a nuke bomb at times when I react!

I usually cry and beat myself up instead of the other person.

[zoomer]

(((((((((((((MG))))))))))), I sometimes cry myself and emotionally beat myself up. I'm real good at it! Although, i'm a great yeller at times

[junem]

Thanks Morning Glory,
During one of my hospitalizations the staff had me right out a list of my rights as a form of daily affirmations. I had forgotten about that and I found it so helpful that I think I will renew that practice. It helps me to feel empowered and more positive.

[KcCrystal]

Liveing with controling family members that take their anger out on me, makes life hard. Some days I find myself wishing I had a differant life, a differant family. But I gotta live with what I was delt, and find a way to get out of this abusive place. I got trust my HP with that, and pray she finds me a way out.

At times I feel as if no one cares what I do or what I say. Then others I say all the wrong things. It does get confuseing if you don't know what mood they're in. On day life will be okay, no fighting, then other days it's a war zone & I'm planted squarely in the middle.

[thechicksaysno]

my last bf was like this. He scarred me for life. I still don't know how to deal with this.