Ptsd

[Don W]

Hello Everyone, I am so glad to be posting today. I wanted to post a message about my PTSD, in hopes someone might be able to identify and be helped. I was doing very well dealing with my alcoholism and PTSD. The problems with PTSD were not in the forefront so, I started dealing with the alcoholism only. Well, as Morning Glory has pointed out to me in the past PTSD is also an ongoig recovery process. In my case alcohol and PTSD worked hand and hand in my life choices. My problem is that I never know when something in the past will come to mind. I'll try to explain what happened to me. I got to the point that I felt I dealt with issues that bothered me so, if I just moved on I would be fine. I kept myself busy so as not to think about them. Those past issues were sort of like an infection. I took my meds., the infection is gone. Well, I for got that you have to do things so you won't get infected. Say I cut my foot again, if I didn't put somrthing on it I could get infected again. What happens to me is I will hear something, read something or see someone and it will trigger a repressed memory. Like this weekend at my mothers 90 birthday party. It was a wonderful time but, I couldn't stop my mind from remembering something new.
Example, my mother talked about how wonderful her husband, my father, was.
I used to watch him beat the hell out of her and say things so bad I couldn't remember them until Sunday. I remember her on her knees in the living room and he was yelling at her. I even think it was mother's day. My grandmother, her mother, was ill in a nursing home. She wanted us to go visit her and he didn't want us to go. He owned his own company and this nursing home was a customer. He was telling her that he new the maintanence men and my grandmother was having sex with all the men there. He then turned to us kids who were between 4 and 8 or 9 and said "do you want to take your children to see a ****. Hey kids, do you want your mother to take you to see a ****? "We didn't even know what it was. The younger kids were afraid to back my mother. I was 8 or 9, I didn't know what it meant but, I knew it was bad. I spoke up and and said something like, I love Grandma Stalker, and I want to see her. Well, I was on my knees weeding the garden for the next 3 or 4 hours. Covered with bug bites, I was brought in given a strapping and put to bed with no supper. I have to remember, I have a dual problem and have a dual recovery program. Do any of you have things that come to mind that are triggered by events? Have these thoughts triggered alcohol, drug, food, gambling or other abuses? Have your, like myself, had a hard time putting recovery time together? Tell me about it. I don't know for sure how or why it works but, Morning Glory gave me some advice that helps. I know things are embarrising(sp). However, when I tell someone either in person or here on line the shame dissappears sometimes right away. For years I was ashamed of the sexual abuse I suffered and did to others when growing up. When I spoke up and admitted it I was released from the chains that held me back. I now know that I was a child when this happened. I don't look back as a grown man and blame myself. If something bad happened to you, have you done the same? I have read stories where pepole have been raped and blame themselves. I shouldn't have been there, I should have fought harder, etc. Well, I am at the VA Hospital going through a little refresher program so I must go to class. The class is on "cognitive behavior". It has helped me alot.
It deals with how our perception isn't always what reality is. Like, sometimes at work I will get it in my head, for whatever reason I'm not doing a good job.
Now mind you, nobody has said this. Then I'm surprised when then other day I told my manager I needed to go for some treatment. She said, " Don, you are a great employee and we don't want to lose you. We want you to get better. Do what you have to do. Anyway, I'll note the good points and pass them along. Don W PS. I know, I know, me being able to post again is a " GOOD THING ? HA! HA!

It's good to have you back Don.

I'm finding that my grand children are helping me get things into perspective. Every time they have a birthday I think back at what happened to me at their age and I can't believe that I was only that young when certain things happened. It is so common for us to look back as an adult thinking we were the same then as now.

Your post reminded me of your last post when you said you felt bad at work when you made a decision that made some unhappy and felt bad afterward even though it was a good decision. I can see why you and I feel shame when we make someone unhappy. We were shamed and punished when we were assertive. One wrong little sentence when we were young got us in a whole lot of trouble and we were beat up for saying it. Now we say something that someone doesn't like and we beat ourselves up. The old tapes start running. I haven't been able to tackle that area in my life yet, but it doesn't last as long as it used to.

Facing the trauma is the first part of recovery and then changing the old tapes comes after that. You and I have a lot of the same tapes running. Your posts always help me recognize something in myself and I thank you for that.

You're a special person Don and well worth all the effort you are putting into your own recovery. You're a great example for the rest of us and I'm glad you're here.

Hugs,
MG

[ODAT]

I just wanted to thank you for sharing. It does help.

I am dealing with supressed anger at the momment. And memories are still returning. I'm ticked because I thought I had dealt with all of this. Then I find myself in a job where unlike yours, I know am doing a good job. Under the circumstances I was doing a great job. But the management wasn't that great. Was pretty bad actually. Very unsupportive, demanding and people seldom got compliments even if they did get compliments from the customer.

I left that job. Am now trying to get in gear to study for the job I want. And am feeling so useless and tied down that its like my head can't get back to the present. Am trapped in the old tapes and am fighting my way out.

I also started a new relationship over Christmas. Its long distance and we see each other in person every 3 months or so. He's coming up here in a couple of weeks. He's been very patient and very supportive--way more than I am used to. Yet part of me still can not trust. He's done everything he can do to gain my trust, and has done nothing yet to lose it. He's not violent, doesn't drink much (once in a while he will have a couple of beers--nothing like my parents or any alcoholic.) He does have abandoment issues which is wonderful because they mirror mine. This means that when I am down or missing him, I can message him and most times I will receive a message back from him. In the present, I know I can live without him. I have done so for 38 years. I know I don't need a man to survive or feel good about myself. Yet what is triggered is all of the stuff that the low self esteem brings back. I shouldn't feel evil and dirty because I like how he looks. But at times I do. I shouldn't feel guilty because of how I am feeling. Yet at times I do. I shouldn't feel like I am losing him and I will never see him again because he says "I love you". Yet when he says "I love you, I'm going to bed now, Good night honey, I will talk to you tomorrow", I have a major panic attack because I'm CERTAIN he's lying and he's just going to bed because he can't stand me. I'm a pest. I'm a nuisance. Every day he gets up and I talk to him again just like he said. And I'm learning that the words "I love you" are not always accompanied by "now go away".

I'm royally ticked off at the momment because of how these tapes wreck so much for me in the present. I have a tough time relaxing and accpeting that I can have good things in my life. I look at my past and I am SO certain that if anyone knew all about me, they'd leave too. Or worse, they would stay and secretely hate me.

I try and love myself. I have done a lot of good in the world too. Yet the 'trying' to love oneself implies that the love isn't there. Its fake. Because deep down I am angry still with myself.

I know intellectually that I was not to blame for what happened. I was a kid. And then, I went on with this angry kid inside me that cropped up when things were good in relationships and wrecked them. I'd be walking home after work or school and be SO certain that he'd be messing around. I'd plan what I was going to say when I walked in and caught them at it. And he'd be sitting there on his computer, doing his homework. And I'd be furious.

I'm back there again in a way. Because this time, I really love the guy. I trust him in many ways yet it is because I trust him that I have such a hard time. Because when I was 13 I trusted that guy too. And once it was done wth, I knew I was stupid for trusting and I vowed never to trust again.

I have gone into relationships and been hurt. Its like being with a person who I know I CAN'T trust makes it easier because I know I can't trust them. Being with someone I trust in the present--is making that little kid inside me speak out. And I don't like it.

I dealt with this stuff. I did. Intellectually I did.

I don't relate so well to the alcoholic stuff. I know that I can't drink much. I know I can be addicted to almost anything. But I also don't relate because I held so much control. I was never one to drink and do stupid stuff or things under the influence. I never needed alcohol to forget things--I am very good at that all by myself. In fact I was so good I lost completely the first 11 years of my life. Now I am able to remember a lot of stuff that happened. Both good and bad stuff yet equally hurt.

I'm tired of all of this crap. i'm tired of not being able to have a relationship because of my issues. I'm tired of messing up the good things in my life because somehow I think I don't deserve them--somehow the thought of succeeding seems to absolutely terrify me.

Anyways. Am glad you posted. It helps to know I'm not alone. It helps to know others go through this stuff too. And I still hope for the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Anniemsb]

Don, I am so glad you posted this. I have been triggered recently and having a rough time with it. Deals with the man I call my Step Father, who is really my real father, just didn’t want to accept it for a long time now. I realized that he had been abusing me since I was a small child maybe 2 years old, flashbacks and the whole bit. I knew he tired when I was about 12 or 13 but I stopped him then, didn’t realize till this last month that it happened when I was really just a baby. Funny thing is is last month I had 21 years on the program, I can seem to stay sober and deal with my alcoholism, but this PTSD stuff is a bi*ch! It just seems so bizarre what my mind is doing, and that I seem to have very little control over it. Just when I think I am doing better, bam! the PTSD kicks in again. It’s hard too as I have problems being around a lot of people, never have before, so going to meetings has become a real tough thing. I am a mupital trauma PTSDer, and more just seems to keep coming up then some times I care to remember. Having a hard time right now. Last year I wanted to go out and drink over all of it, but I did not. I worked hard to get the time I have, and am very grateful I have not had to go back out, I seem to have lost my connection with God in the last few years. I am still trying to figure out how to get it back. This PTSD is all so new to me, and yet I can see that I have had it for a long time, thought after I sobered up it didn’t really bother me much. I think the last trauma I suffered about 3 or 4 years ago just really kicked it into gear and other past stuffed is now coming up also. I keep running away from my therapist, I keep wanting to be alone, I keep wanting to not talk about it, and I keep remembering. It seems the more progress I make the more stressful it gets. I try to apply what I have learned in the program that has kept me sober all these year to the PTSD, I guess it just hasn’t clicked in for me yet. I can see in a lot of ways they are alike PTSD and alcoholism and that one lead to the other due to the trauma. I am not a vet and I wish there were meetings for PTSD like in AA when you are not a vet. Why aren't their? Hum.. I don’t know if I am making any sense, guess I needed to get it out, like you said. Scared to see my Therapist Thursday, yes I’m scared. I just want my life back, ok now I’m crying.... I was doing so well..... for me I guess sobriety was easy compared to dealing with this PTSD. Overwhelmed right now I guess.... baby steps, must remember to take baby steps. Hugs, Annie

Annie,

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I don't think there is much worse than going through flash backs and panic attacks and all the strange lack of control we have over all of it. I really felt like I was in the twilight zone with no way out for many years. I can only tell you that I got past it and I know you will too.

I had so many memories come up that I didn't know existed. It knocked me off my feet and I felt so confused and so lost. It's like living in one reality one day and having an different reality the next day. My relationship with God changed completely too as I learned that a lot of my beliefs were false.

We are all here for you. You don't have to go through this alone. What you are going through is common with PTSD. It's not something that you are doing alone. You will get your life back. Why don't you start your own thread and just use it to talk about what's going on. Let us support you.

Hugs,
MG

[Don W]

Annie, I know it is difficult but, I think that like me Knowing I have the PTSD answers alot of questions I have about myself. As hard as it is it is part of the recovery process. I also drank to medicate but, it stopped working. I had 5 years back in the 80's but, never delt with the feelings. The feeling inside that would go away and come back. I never knew when, so if drinking I would start to build courage to kill myself. It was only a matter of time until I was drunk enough, sad enough and had the opportunity. Anyway, I feel better after this one year than when I had 5 years. When I was sober for 5 years I learned how to act happy and look happy. I am now learning how to feel happy. The guilt, the shame, the embarrasement will rob of this chance to feel happy. In my case I blamed myself for years, many of us do. I am so proud that you were able to stay away from drinking. There are so many things to set it off. I was in Vietnam and I can't read the papers lately or watch the news without being brought back 30 years. I work at a hospital and the Med Flights will bring me back. The only way, I am now convinced is to confront these memories. Many cases I remember the events incorrectly. For years I looked back at sexual abuse when I was 7 or 8 as a 40 or 50 year old man. I am 55 now, I'm not 7. I didn't have the ability to stop what happened. You aren't responsible for what happened. You need to take responsiblity though for the damage as a result. We can support each other along the road to recovery. Just remember, I forget sometimes, you are recovery at this very moment. Your a big help to me and I get alot from your thoughts. The caring and compassion jumps out from your words. Thank You for being here for us. Don W

[Anniemsb]

Thank you Don, your words and honesty have helped me. I also want to thank you for fighting in the war to help keep me safe. I lost a lot of men in my life due to war.. though most came home first and were never the same again, some taking their lives due to what happened. A long history in my family starting with the civil war.(Union) I am so glad you are confronting the memories so you can be free and happy. I will put a link in in case you would like to see the men... but if it might be a trigger, please don't go there. Again thank you for helping keep every one safe, I know it wasn't a nice place at all to be. Love to you, Annie

http://annie-m-s-b.diaryland.com/030329_56.html

[cwohio]

Don W - i second Anniemb's last post! cwohio