MothersDayMuddle

[ODAT]

Am writing here tonight wishing I was under the influence. Wishing I could numb the pain and forget for a while. Am so very angry with God and my first husband and just about everyone in the world.

I am 38 years old. It is the year 2004. This might seem like dumb information, yet in the present it is very important. Because I don't feel 38 years old and I am flipping through time and space and just hoping I can get grounded soon so I can sleep.

When I was 19 I was raped, again. I got pregnant this time though and very mule-headed. I wouldn't admit it to being rape. I wasn't sure you see. I didn't push hard enough and I didn't yell very loud and in the bible it says clearly that if the girl isn't heard yelling or seen fighting then she is to be stoned. The guy married me. My parents thought it was the best plan even though I kept telling my mother how much I hated the man and how much he repulsed me. She'd said that "I probably didn't like him because I was pregnant and it was a hormonal thing and I didn't know what was going to happen tomorrow or next week and maybe he'd be dead in a year." So, I married him and the following year my son was born.

A year or so later, a police man came to the door wishing to speak with my ex. Seemingly a girl in the coffee shop had gone and reported a rape and gone to the hospital to get the exam done. The policeman questioned my ex and talked with me briefly asking me if I had anything I might want to add. He asked me when my ex was present and I was too afraid and numb to say anything so because it was her word against his, the charges were dropped because there was insufficient evidence to prosecute.

I was forbidden to talk about this and shortly after I got pregnant again with my daughter. We moved to the city where my parents were and I had my daughter. I was angry after I had her and disappointed with my ex because he refused to hold her at all. He left shortly afterwards for basic training and while he was there I got a job and decided I wanted to end the marriage. I'd met a girl who lived upstairs from me who was divorced and making it on her own and she showed me that there was an alternative to being in a marriage with a guy you hated. So I left the marriage yet inside I felt as if I had cheated my children and I felt like a total failure.

He swore that he would get custody of my son and even though the courts awarded me custody and low support payments he went about improving himself financially. I was on welfare, going back to school and taking parenting classes and counselling--this was when I started my 'healing' journey because although I didn't understand a whole lot, I was determined my kids would grow up with different options than I had had.

The kids would come home from visits with different complaints and such and wierd behavior and I would call the cas to help me figure out what ws going on. I was worried and concerned yet it seems as if his lawyers were determined to prove that my only motivation was to destroy him. He got married a year or so later and the behavior from the kids after the visits stopped somewhat. They appeared happier although visits dropped down to only once a month at his request. My life was still fraught with issues as I kept in my counselling but kept getting into abusive relationships. I did slowly make progress, though not fast enough for the kids. My boy turned 9 and I had just had another baby out on the West Coast and was not with the father of that child although he had access and used the pick-up and drop-off times to say stuff to the older kids. One thing he said to my oldest was that I didn't have room for him anymore and even though after I found this out I talked with my son, still the words couldn't be taken back.

He decided to move in with his father and even though it hurt like crap I supported his choice figuring that he needed his Dad and I was still messed up. He went to live with his father and I finally ended things for good with the second son's dad and my daughter stayed with me. We moved back to my home town after taking a couple of months to visit my sister and mother in the mid provinces. We got along okay back at home although my daughter was disappointed because she couldn't visit her dad as much as she wanted to (his request) and when she would try to call him he was usually busy. When she was 13, he told her basically if she wanted a relationship with him she would have to move there and so she did, with the understanding that she could visit me as she wished, he would find her a counsellor there (I had one for her because of the stuff I had gone through and put her through as her mother) and she would attend alateen. None of this happened.

He lives a good 6 hour drive from me and I don't have a license. Its only been in the past 5 years that I gained enough confidence to get a job and keep it--prior to then I was content to stay at home with the children I had and keep going to parenting classes and doing my meetings and counselling. I slowly gained ground in many areas and although I was able to stay out of relationships for long periods of time, I did manage to have another child. My oldest daughter was there for the birth and bonded well with her. That was child number 4. Then, once she was down at her Dads she told me she was no longer allowed to call me or come and see me. She wasn't allowed to go to Alateen and most of the other promises never came to pass. She was about 11 when she first went down there. I was happy to get to see them in the summer for a few weeks and was trying hard to trust God and to keep the peace and continue with my own healing and stuff. I got work and kept my job for a few years before recently coming to the conclusion that the job I was in was rather abusive as well.

My daughter started cutting a couple of years back and finally got to go to counselling where she thankfully made an agreement to stop. Then he father had another baby and i guess things got worse for them in the house.

My oldest son contacted me the other day (I got the computers basically to have contact with my kids although as soon as I got it, all of a sudden, my daughter was no longer allowed to have her own computer or an email address that was all hers. This changed as a result of therapy but she still doesn't have a computer that will run messangers even (supposedly) and do what she neeeds for school work.) He had finally gotten into university which was great news.

Then I got a phone call from my daughter. She was in a lot of pain--has been for the past while as I read her emails and poems--and very worried. My oldest has untill June to be out of the house and she is told she is to move out by the end of next year. The education fund for my oldest that was set up is gone--my son has no knowledge of it. My daughter is trying not to cut again. She doesn't know where else to turn. She is afraid to leave there because she is finally doing well academically and in many aspects the choice is up to her.

I am SO angry at the momment. Yet, I feel powerless to do much. My son was suspended from school this week for doing something that 'he can't tell me what it was'. My daughter is sending me her course list so that I can see if she can take similar courses here. She had a lot to say about her Dad, most of which I found appauling.

Yet, I feel trapped. Cornered. I can't comprehend his Dad chucking him out of the house while he has been accepted to University. I feel gulty for letting them go, guilty for the kind of life I led to make them feel like they had to go, so angry with the father yet angry with myself because I didn't do enough to keep in touch and frustrated because I don't know what else I could have done. Every time I tried to call there I got the answering machine and my ex basically forbade private conversations between me and the kids. He was always in the room (untill a year or so ago) and was always angry with the kids for calling--my daughter was afraid to talk to me this last time and I heard her Dad telling her to get off the phone after a little bit. I also heard the fear and anger in her voice when she told him who she was talking with.

I am scared for my daughter, afraid for my son and still working through issues of my own. Tonight after a particular event that I would have had no problem with in the recent past, I started losing track of where I was. I felt nauseated and places in body hurt that havent hurt like that in years. All the old tapes are back and as loud as anything and I am fighting once again just to stay afloat.

Triggers for my own stuff have been more prevalent in the past month or two. I am so trying to keep afloat here at the present (which is why am writing like this) yet its as if the past is 'right there' and I can't get away from it. I am aware the feelings are my inner child, yet I don't know how to shut off those tapes. I am trying. I have been trying for a couple of weeks now--yet, I don't know how to do it.

Sorry for taking up so much space. If you've managed to read thus far I thank you. If you have any ideas, books to read, anything that will help I also thank you.

[ODAT]

My daughter sends this on Mother's Day, along with an email that tells me she loves me and is proud of me and glad she is my daughter. The email has pictures of me and her when she was little. Her writing is very poignant. She grew up watching me write as I learned to journal and reading some of what I wrote--my poems and my songs. Now she writes as well and for this I am grateful.

Melting

I feel like
my protective coat
of ice is melting
and the heat from
this lurid sun
beating me purple with
old bruises, tears
I never cried,
this murderously angry
sunlight
burns my flesh away
and devours my energy,
leaves me listless;
leaves me frightened
and shivering, exposed,
as the night takes over.

stars are clouded
by a heavy black cloud
smoke-like
from the rubble of my
desolately dimming
horizon
my dreams just that;
and turning to nightmares,
horrid invasions
on the freedom of love.

I crawl under the covers,
my only shield now,
and huddle beneath this
terminable weight,
this distressing sorrow.
I cry alone
and no one hears me
no one sees me
no one whispers it will be alright
and if they did
I'd call them a liar.

how can it be alright
when it's all wrong right now?
I feel like a failure
falling as I wonder
am I giving up
giving in
or simply growing up
inside myself?

why do I feel so much
like death is my
only friend left,
all I want to dream about?
the silence, the dark,
the soothing warmth,
the sleep.
no more energy
pretending to be happy
maybe I'll be content
with the truth that I never
will be
so long as I don't have to lie
anymore.

why do I keep thinking
it's time to go home
why do I keep feeling
so distractingly
all alone
I hate alone
I love people as much
as I deteste their unwilting
unacceptance
of all I strive to be
I know they'll never love me
no matter how hard I try
and I won't lie about
who I am
only about what I feel
and it's killing me.

so tired,
I have to wonder
am I depressed
because I'm tired
or tired
because I'm depressed?
is there an end
when there was no begining?

isolation;
the idiocy
that incarcerates
any rainbow
with-holding promise
from my line of sight.

To me, she sounds so sad there. I sent her some pictures of us here. Pictures of me and the kids and a short email to let her know how much I love her. I pray that she hangs in there, that she is okay, that she makes her own choice and is happy with it, though I hope that she comes home.

[zoomer]

(((((((((((Taira))))))))))))),PTSD sucks! I'm just getting over an episode. I blame my first husband for a lot too exspecailly when it concerns our mutual children. I felt guilty for having more children after my first,but to me they were life savers! Every child has a right to be born and huray for the woman who have them! It would have made things emotionally better for my son's if I never had other children,but not emotionally better for me. Your story sounds sort of like mine,but I was not raped by my husband just abused badly. I'm sorry that you were and screw the bible for you not yelling enough... God hears silent crys too! Now i know my children have some emotional imbalances too and want me to feel bad for them. I do but I also know that kids love to play parents against eachother. Divorse is never easy on a kid even when they grow up,but it's up to both parents to know what is true and what is playing on emotions. As for my daughter and my sons now I will not enable them in the drama. Just as I had to get help, my kids will need to also if they are having a hard time. I put my daughter in the hospital for her cutting,then moved her to her Dads for the school year. My daughter is still up in the air on where she wants to live,but Thank god the dark poetry and cutting are gone! I love my daughter's writing,but I tell her I hate her Poe imitations it just feeds into the darkness. She is now writing things for school like she should. if you want to help yourself and your daughter try the positive outlook and always reassure her you love her and want her happy. I let my daughter know I miss her,but I never let her see my sadness that just feeds into her darkness too. I just had drama with my 18 year old this weekend. When he was little I'd run to his rescue. Today i offered him help if he needed it and wanted it, he chose to take a different path. I'm hurt, I'm angry and I was in my PTSD mold,but am trying to get out of it. Also the fact too is that I have younger children and did not want them to have to go through yet more drama caused by my ex indirectly through my older son. LOL, my family is very disfuctinal,but I try hard to keep it happy and ballanced emotionally. Ugh too many bad choices on my part with men,but I'm getting better

Taira,

I brought a lot of posts up to the top of the board. Please read through them.

I've been where you are and I was able to get past it. I also went through some very rough times with my children. Remember that guilt serves no purpose when trying to help our children. We did the best we could when we raised them. All we are expected to do is our best. We can't look back now with our present knowledge and judge ourselves. We didn't have that knowledge then.

You are changing things for your children by working on your own recovery. That is the best help you can give them. When they are ready for help you will be able to show them the way.

I've learned that triggers are a tool for healing in my life. Triggers bring up that which is buried so I can face it and move on. I've re-lived many past traumas from a child's perspective and that was the key to healing for me.

The process is painful and can be very frightening. There is a book thread in the power post thread at the top of the board. I've listed the books that I found on other web sites.

Please keep posting.

Hugs,
MG

[ODAT]

Am working my way through the things brought to the top. Stuff on the inner child and old tapes. Guess its another layer, but I don't remember it being this painful, or maybe I do and I figured that since I did that part I was all done.

This hurts. I don't like it. The tape is an old one "no one will want you" and because I want him it means autommatically he doesn't want me. To make matters harder, he seems to be giving mixed messages. Perhaps they aren't intended to be mixed and I'm reading into things more than I should. A simple thing really. He's bought a couple of new games over the past week and when he gets home he wants to play his games rather than talk with me. And I'm going frantic--reading into this that he doesn't want me around anymore, that like (when I was little) once you become old and they get what they want then they lose interest and are gone. Went to bed last night with him playing his game. A part of me knows this is part of who he is--he doesn't drink too much or anything--he likes games on his play station, and I know this is not truly unreasonable. Yet I feel unable to communicate to him, feel him pulling away and am responding much like a small child. The shame thing. I feel ashamed because I love him. Because I want him, want his attention when he so pointedly it seems just wants to relax and play his game. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a sexual relationship--a few months back this was no problem--or not such a big one. Yet now, its becoming harder and harder. Am afraid...very afraid of being rejected. He has not truly done this yet but I am responding and feeling as if he already has. As if its a done deal.

The other day we/I did something of a sexual nature. In the present it was okay--or should have been. Yet what resulted was me fighting nausea, hurting like hell, fighting to stay present, having to remind myself what year it is, and then after I had told him everything was okay, after he went to bed, I went upstairs, threw up and basically lost it. Every part of my body hurt. It still is hurting. Remembering the feelings and writing about it helps alittle but the fear is still so strong. Feel like am losing my mind. I don't WANT to be like this. I should be able to have a normal, adult relationship and be able to be supportive and stuff. I should be able to look after myself in this, go to bed ontime, not be living and watching for signs that he doesn't love me, that he's getting tired of me, that am being a pest. Heh. Always felt like a pest at home, yet that wasn't an 'adult' relationship. Was a kid. Was always told that my problem was I wouldn't let something be once it happened. Terrified of being alone.

Yet, as an adult I know I am okay on my own. Even if worst case scenario happened and he did up and leave, I know I would be okay. Except for feeling so old, so tired. But I've been left before and I was okay. Hurt for a bit but the hurt didn't kill me. So why am I doing this? Its like am so sure he's going that am almost pushing him away. Hurry up and leave me and get it over with. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him back. And in the front of my mind is "yeah, they all say that (I love you). Don't mean they give a sh** though." He does something for himself and I am jealous.

sigh I need to change this tape. After 3 engagement rings and 2 marriages you'd I'd learn. But, they were different. I didn't WANT them and was me who left. Always has been me who leaves. Get to a point where I can't take anymore. Marriage was abusive and I left. Same with the engagements. Second marriage was harder to leave but still managed to leave. Now I find a guy I DO like. Am at a place where can admit I like him and am SO afraid.

[ODAT]

Talked to a counsellor at the assault center. Am to temporarily put the relationship stuff on 'hold' untill I deal somewhat with Elena's stuff and since dealing with her stuff invariably means dealing with 'him' means am dealing with 'his stuff' and therefore 'my stuff' and hence the reason for the flashbacks and the overwhelming feelings. Still working through the forums and plan tonight is to try and work out this guilt list--the 'shoulds' and stuff I learned in childhood. Then a bath and bed. Am hoping will happen as planned.

Here is a link to a post I put up a while back. It reminded me of me way back when. I really had a problem with abandonment issues. I may still have a problem, but I've been without a relationship for so long that I haven't had the opportunity to test it. I'm happy alone though and personally think it's a lot easier than trying to muddle through a relationship. It's hard to function in relationships when we've been through so much.

You might not fit this pattern, but I sure did.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=19593

[liveweyerd]

Sending hugs!

[ODAT]

I don't think I fit the model completely.

I think I'm having a very hard time changing tapes. Combatting tapes.

But I'm not sure.

I went to see a naturopathic doctor to see about things. He did a fairly complete history on me and now I'm taking stuff for supressed anger, for a possilbe hormonal imbalance, vitamn B supplements (was on the depro-vera shot for past year and I guess as with birth control pills, this can lower the vitamin B supply in the body which can aid in depression) and something for my liver. It is helping I think, but again I'm not sure.

I am able to sleep a little more and am able to sleep when he isn't around so much.

Its a long distance relationship--we see each other every 3 months or so and then talk and 'meet' via webcams and computer in the evening. Because of the time-change factor this can be harder on me, but I'm learning slowly to tell him a couple of nights a week that I'm going to bed early. I find this very difficult to do. Often times I get off the computer and then sit up crying and writing down what is going on and then trying to counter that with posative thoughts.

The thing that seems to be happening is that I am having a problem with this whole issue of being sexual and it seems that I learned from the episode that happened when I was little a whole lot of stuff that wasn't true. It doesn't fit anymore, yet I am angry and ticked and sad.

I just want to be normal you know?

My relationship with my own Mother wasn't the best of relationships. Understatement. I am the youngest girl in the family and the youngest. I remember when I was around 13 that I liked this guy in the first band we were in. He was like 15 and I really liked him. But he liked my sister. Mom really liked this b/c it was my sister's first boyfriend and so every weekend over the summer, the boyfriend would come over for supper and spend the evening with Ann. I was very jealous about the whole thing.

I tried talking to Mom about it and was told I was too young to have boyfriends, or to think this way or to feel this way. And I was very hurt and angry about that. So when the next pipe major started paying me attention, I didn't do anything about it. He told me I was mature, and sexy and pretty and talented and intelligent and all sorts of things that I so wanted to hear. So when he started with the touching, rather than seeing how much older he was than me and thinking this was wrong, I took it as proof that my mother was wrong. I wasn't too young to have boyfriends and feel this way if a 37 year old man liked me.

I was unprepared for the final episode of the whole thing. He'd called me in to the bedroom where he was there with this other girl. He wanted me to 'join in' and my fantasy of him was totally shattered in that momment. He didn't love me. I wasn't pretty or mature or sexy or intelligent or anythng that he had said I was. It was all a lie. My mother was right.

I remember back further in time, staying up at night and listening to Mom and Dad fighting. I remember the look and sound of shock and horror when my mother found my older brothers selection of dirty books. And I remember looking at similar books a little later when I babysat and thinking I wanted to look like the girls. They seemed pretty to me and I knew that I was ugly.
I learned I guess that being sexual is something bad--something inherently evil--and guys who tell you your beautiful and such are only lying.

Wayne is a fairly normal guy in a lot of ways. Just about every night when he comes home from work the cameras will go on. He will sit in his space and I will sit in mine. But whilst he is free to watch tv or to play a game and can laugh and such--I find myself just watching him, and getting resentful over it.

I feel anger towards women and men who are 'healthier' than I am. I feel ripped off. My counsellor told me that its normal to be able to be in a relationship and do your own thing--yet I have a tough time doing this. I find myself watching him, worrying about what he is going to do, SO SURE that he can NOT love me--that when he tells me I'm attractive and such to him--its like I am reacting to him as if I were still 15.

Its like all the years inbetween didn't happen and here I am still 15 years old learning to pick up and put the pieces together again after my first heart break.

Sexuality is a tough thing for me to handle. When I was first in recovery they told me to get a bob (battery operated boyfriend) because I was not to get into a relationship untill after the first year. I didn't have a problem with this. I had shut my sexuality down itseemed for a while. And then, every so often it would rear its ugly head and I'd be headed for trouble.

Slowly, I picked better men. But aways I'd find something wrong--and there WERE things wrong--and I'd split with them. I never had a tough time splitting. It would hurt for a few days and then I'd be okay again. I decided a while ago to get another bob. I went pep talked my self into going into the store and got one. But the anxiety over doing this--and then the anxiety surrounding the whole deal.

But the thing is, this is all stuff that isn't true! It is NOT wrong to feel sexual. I AM an adult now even if back then I was just a kid. And this seems to be the biggest hurdle I have yet to jump over.

See, all the time in the past it was like a huge part of me was just shut down. And a few years back, when I had my last child, I shut down that part and even more parts of myself.

I watch my 6 year old now and I watch the baby. The two of them can laugh and sing and play and giggle and Belinda can get very angry at times. Be very defiant. And I find myself struggling with all of this behavior. Its like there is a glass wall around me that stops me from just playing and having fun.

Its like I'm back at early grade school again and everyone else is getting picked for the games but not me. And I'm angry with it all. VERY angry. Yet, for some reason I can't express this.

Oh, I can SAY I'm angry but I can't show it somehow.

Anyways, my oldest daughter is coming home. I remember when she was little at least I could do things like take a walk with her and laugh and play a little. Now it seems as if I can't even do that. Its like I'm afraid just to 'be'.

So I'm practising it. Just 'being'. Just being in the momment. But, I'm not so good with it.

Times when he gets busy playing a game for example--I'm watching him through my camera and he's laughing or is concentrating on the game. And I'm much like a 6 year old getting ticked off because I don't have his attention. Yet its unrealistic to demand or expect another persons attention 24/7. Sometimes I'm okay with this though. Other times I'm reacting to the terror and pain that I feel because in these momments I'm SURE he's doing this just to show me he doesn't care and I figure that if he did care, he'd be paying attention to me.

I'm reminded as I write this about that old saying "one foot in the past, one foot in the future and p**ing all over the present. And thats almost exactly what I'm doing when I get ticked off. Its like I'm reacting to the present as if it were the past. And its NOT the past.

So the tapes go something like this...

I am ugly. I am unattractive. I am dumb and stupid and all of those things because I should KNOW that any guy who likes me is only after one thing.

I am destined to be alone. Everyone will hate me once they get to know me. I am no good for a relationship.

Being sexual is wrong. It is evil and dirty and I am going to go to hell because of this.

I try and counteract these thoughts. I am okay to look at. I have been married 2x in the past so I know that there ARE some men out there who would want a relationship with me. I am deserving of a good relationship just like everyone else is--

I am an adult now. This is a biggie because so often nowadays I don't FEEL like an adult. I feel like an angry kid who's faking being an adult.

The last one I have a tough time with. Because I grew up reading the Bible and because of some of the rules I learned from the church, its like I AM intrinsically evil. Yet many, many, many women have adult relationships and that doesn't make them intrinsically evil. So why does it make me that?

I am still reading........

[ODAT]

Dunno if am allowed to do so, but figured I may as well see what happens.

Gonna try and keep track of moods and such here. It seems to be the only thing I don't lose. ie. journals and papers and notes and stuff when hand written seem to have a habit of not getting written in on a regular basis because I keep losing them or losing the pen. So will try and see if there is a trend or anything here.

Have been told I tend to go up and down like a yoyo. So we shall see just how often things change and if I can't find out what the triggers are.

Today was a good day. I slept alot in the day and didn't accomplish what I wanted to BUT I did manage to negotiate with my one sones father a good summer-access plan. Was helpful having seen the lawyer and realizing just how much power I legally have. Was nice having my father there and the dog there. Managed to negotiate a good plan for the summer and get it signed by myself and the ex. This way, if he decides to renege on the agreement like he has in years previous (bring my son back any time after the agreed upon date), I have something to go to court with. This makes me feel much more in control of things.

Am happy going to bed tonight. Still getting some anxiety over Wayne going to bed before me but am still happy with things as they are. Hopeful for the future and enjoying the present. Played some games for myself tonight instead of my second daughters which means that I get the points. Something little just for me.

Have a plan tomorrow to play some more on this game. Wanna build a room of silver. Neopets. Something that on the surface seems silly to play but I enjoy it. Part of me finds it quite boring but another part of me is right into the games and getting points to build a nice imaginary home for my pets. Am figuring this is something for me to do for a little bit each day for my inner child.

Taira,

Feel free to post your feelings here. It's good to keep track of our emotions and try to find a connection as to why we feel them.

It's hard to sort it all out.

Hugs to you,
MG