Stressed out!

[Tom M]

Well this is the first time I'm visiting this forum.
I haven't drank in 402 days now and I'm fine with that.
What I have noticed though, in this last year is that I am a very intense person. I'm a perfectionist and I do get upset when things don't go the way I plan.
I know longer drink and I haven't been diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder, but, I still can turn into a mad man when things don't go my way.
The serenity prayer and the 12 steps of AA help me a lot.
Right now I'm driving a cab for a car service to make money. My normal line of work is in the computer field.
Both of these jobs can be stressful, but at least I get payed well and I'm not in danger when working in the computer field.
Driving a cab, however, is quite stressfull and dangerous.
I actually change from a normal even tempered person into a raving lunatic at the end of the shift or even during the shift.
I get so mad, that I realize drinking was just something that brought out all of that rage in me. What I am saying is that even though I'm not drinking the rage is still there. I am dealing with things a little better though and I'm starting to understand myself a little bit better. A year ago I couldn't tell you why I trained amnd fought in the golden gloves 20 years ago. I never really perceived myself as a violent person or a person who could do damage to someone else.
I'm not a violent person at all, but, I do tend to let things build up and can be very dangerous if pushed too far.
I can see that a change is occurring in myself. in that I'm more willing to accept the adversities that are in fron t of me.
I truly believe that things will fall in place with the help of my higher power(GOD) and the support of people in recovery.
Tom M

Nothing that is said in the rooms of AA is irrelevent. Everyone has something to say, you just have to listen for the message!

[Gooch]

Boy I can relate to your post. I got clean in 91' and I heard an old timer sharing that the steps kept him from committing suicide while the traditions kept him from committing homocide. At first I thought that sounded a little xtreme. However after living a day at a time life on life's terms keot biting me in the azz. Eventually the more practice I had at applying the spiritual principles best I could I realized that maybe that wasn't as extreme as it first sounded.

Keep coming back and keep the faith. Your right where your supposed to be. Helps me to remember that as insane as my thoughts might be it's always been my actions that added to the body count. I can pretty much get away with a lot of thoughts with no consequences. It's my actions I have to live with and pay for.

I'm a perfectionist too and it can bring a lot of stress that then brings the anger. Here is some information I found.

Perfectionism can be a way to control anxiety. A 'perfect' world, controlled and ordered by the individual is also a 'safe' world. Nothing is left to chance. There is no room for error. Everything is so carefully attended to that absolutely nothing can go wrong. This is all, of course, a fantasy. If things go wrong, the unwelcome turn of events can be devastating to a perfectionistic person.


Perfectionism

Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?
If so, rather than simply working toward success, you may in fact be trying to be perfect. Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings.

Causes of Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.

A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:

Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.
All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight &quotA" student who receives a &quotB" might believe, &quotI am a total failure."
Overemphasis on &quotshoulds." Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of &quotshoulds" that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.
The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism
Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle. First, perfectionists set unreachable goals. Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable. Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness. Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, &quotThis time if only I try harder I will succeed." Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again.
This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.

Healthy Striving
Healthy goal setting and striving are quite different from the self-defeating process of perfectionism. Healthy strivers tend to set goals based on their own wants and desires rather than primarily in response to external expectations. Their goals are usually just one step beyond what they have already accomplished. In other words, their goals are realistic, internal, and potentially attainable. Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process of pursuing the task at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. When they experience disapproval or failure, their reactions are generally limited to specific situations rather than generalized to their entire self-worth.

What to do About Perfectionism
The first step in changing from perfectionistic attitudes to healthy striving is to realize that perfectionism is undesirable. Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable. The next step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel perfectionism. Some of the following strategies may help:

Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.
Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level of accomplishment.
Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 90 percent, 80 percent, or even 60 percent success. This will help you to realize that the world does not end when you are not perfect.
Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task. Recognize that there can be value in the process of pursuing a goal.
Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, &quotHave I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?"
Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, &quotWhat am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?"
Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask, &quotWhat can I learn from this experience?" More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.
Avoid all-or-none thinking in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort. Once you have tried these suggestions, you are likely to realize that perfectionism is not a helpful or necessary influence in your life. There are alternative ways to think that are more beneficial. Not only are you likely to achieve more without your perfectionism, but you will feel better about yourself in the process.

[Tom M]

Thanks Gooch and morning glory for your feedback!
Gooch you hit it right on the head when you said thoughts versus actions. At least I'm not acting out now.
Morning glory you said more than a mouthful there. A lot of that does apply to me. I am learning about myself as I go along.
Thanks again!
Tom M