Update...

[SkyIsFalling42]

Well, I was granted a conference with 2 employees of the Department of Human Services on Wednesday. They told me that I have absolutely no right at all to the records that they have pertaining to me. They promised to forward my address and wishes to see my grandchildren on to the foster family. The childrens case was reviewed by the department and the state on Tuesday, and all is in order (something is wrong there, obviously it is not in order) My case is to be reviewed by the state on 1/14/04. They said that they will try to get me that last visit with my grandchildren that I was denied. But not to expect much, as they do not know if it is possible. They asked if I would be willing to have the visit at the counseling appointment that my grandchildren are going to...and I said a big yes. It was so hard for me to keep it together for this conference, I was so scared. I get so very upset and emotional when it comes to this un necessary pain. I was afraid of having a great big panic attack right in the middle of the meeting, but it did not happen. I was so mad, hurt and wanting to tell my side that I done very well. I cried a couple of times, I wish I had not, but cannot help the pain that I feel. I was strong otherwise, held my ground. I had my man and the advocate, Roz, with me for support. I was not about to be lunch by walking in there alone.
I have been at my uncle's house every day doing spring cleaning, painting, and organizing. It feels so very good to be working at something again. The physical activity is doing me so much good, and is helping to take my mind off of things. He left me money to spend on things for his house so I get to do some decorating also. And it is so much fun to spend someone else's money!!
2Stop
Kiss our babies on the forehead for me, and tell them that I have not forgot them. I think about you all most every day. I hope to be able to send those little packages soon, maybe this weekend.

[2stop]

Oh Sky, I have been thinking of you and pray for you every day. I am so so sorry for all this pain you are having to endure. It breaks my heart for you and your granbabies, but we can still pray...miracles do happen...it is just so senseless the way Child Protective Services work...I am so proud of how you handled yourself Sky, what an awesome sister in spirit you are, we love you very very much.....Hang in there, the decorating sounds fun, and very good for stress! Have fun with it, you deserve some happiness in your life. I admire your strength and courage so much, I cannot begin to tell you with words...there are none adequate. ******Biggest Hugs Ever!!*********:kisshug:

[Anna]

Sky, I am so glad to hear from you, so glad! And, you are a tower of strength. I don't know how you manage to do what you do and going up against all that bureaucratic stuff...wow. You have no right to see records pertaining to you that are affecting your life?? How horrifying! But, you keep at it as you are, eventually I know it will pay off for you!! And, feel free to come over here to paint and do spring cleaning when you're done at your uncle's. I'll make you a cappuccino. I wondered how your cats are doing? I hope they're alright and still giving you comfort and love. My sweet cat has been gone over a month now and I'm starting to think about adopting a new one. Maybe in a month or so.

Hugs and love my friend,
Anna

[ladyofdreams]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SKY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Josie]

Sky,

You are really strong, I am so sorry you
are having to go through this over and over.
I know that one day you will get the answers for you and your grandchidren. I think you are one dedicated, diligent woman and grandmother. I'm glad you are keeping busy and productive,
sounds like fun also!

Sending hugs and prayers,

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((((stop, Anna, Lady, Josie)))))
Thank you all for being here for me. It is so hard for me in this with the PTSD. There is just so much that I lived through as a child that my grandchildren have been forced to live through also. I just keep thinking about my uncle, the only one that I knew for a fact that loved me as a child, unconditionally. He bathed us and read to us, we laughed a giggled, he fed us, he was our caretaker. I never saw him while in the foster home, they would not allow it. I never saw him again at all after that. He was killed in a motorcycle accident at 23, I was 5 or 6. To the child me, he just fell off of the earth and I had no one who loved me. This childhood pain is part of what is present day pain for me. As I was the caretaker of my grandchildren, and we did all of those things that my uncle did with me and then some. I have dropped off of the face of the earth for them, and I know the pain of that. I feel my pain and their pain, all rolled into one, and am working diligently to seperate the two. I do not know at this point if it is possible, but am giving it a good shot.
I e-mailed the social worker board yesterday about being told that I am not entitled to see my records. I got an e-mail back from them today, stating that someone from their ethics, investigations dept will be contacting me. My fingers are crossed, as this worker is liscensed, and can be disiplined by the board.
Anna, I do have my cats, and do still get alot of comfort from them. I love them more than I do my extended family! Awww, a new kitty!! How wonderful! and one in need too!
2stop...umm...hummm....will have to see if you still love me when you see, or shall i say hear what i am about to send your children
Josie, I love the decorating...just wonder if he will?? lol I know that you know some of the pain I feel, and I think that you are very strong also.

[Chy]

Sky I am so very glad to see you and pray each day for you. I think of you every night as I go to sleep looking at my angels!

[SkyIsFalling42]

I still have mine too! You are an awesome forum leader, so very proud of you, sister.

Sky,

I'm really sorry for all the pain you are going through and all the pain that may come from this. I'm so proud of you for all that you've done.

I got a picture of my granddaughter tonight. It is so painful. She looks like my twin. I missed all her little years. She was two weeks old the last time I saw her. She is 6 years old now. This just knocked me off my feet.

My prayers are with you and your grandchildren. Life seems to repeat itself.

Many hugs,
MG

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((MG)))
I am sorry for your pain with you grad daughter too. It seems to be the worse kind of pain. And you are right, history seems to repeat itself. This is so hard when we work a lifetime, sacraficing all, trying to always take the best path for our children. I have given information at every opportunity, left books on tables, let my children see some of the destruction my brother has brought into his life. All in hopes that they would truly understand that they are genetically pre-disposed to alcohol/drug addiction. It is all the way through our family, on both sides. But the one who remembers the most of my first marriage, who gave birth at 15 went that path anyway. The other two have a good understanding of this danger, and I am very proud of them, and I tell them so at every opportunity. So far, so good with them. But the one who went this path has inflicted more pain than any one human can stand.
I have worked harder at giving my children and grandchildren better lives than what I had. It was my sole mission in life for many, many years. I made some poor decisions, and could have done some things better. But I could have done them worse also. They went to school clean with clean clothes so there would be no abusive teachers knowing they were easy prey, as I had to live. I went to all school conferences and programs and participated in baking and carnivals. I made sure that they never went to bed dirty and hungry, as I remember that well. I made sure that they never felt bad about who they were, never said bad things about their father in front of them as I was made to feel like a monster for being a part of my dad, and for being a part of my mother. My self image suffered greatly from this, and i made sure that this did not happen to my children. There was always alcohol given to us..my first shot was given to me as a toddler, to make the chicken pox break out and the fever go away..I remember being carried into the bar, I think I was naked underneath the blanket that my mom carried me in. I remember nothing after that. There was no alcohol in my home, ever, and none was given to my children by me. I was never acknowledged as a child, other than get out of my face mostly. I made sure to acknowledge my children most every day..I would say Hi to them, as when someone said hi to me as a child I felt special. I would ask them how are you or how was school?
The thing is is that I did everything the opposite of what my mother and family had done. The opposite was not always a good thing..I should have shot for the middle ground. But I do know that I tried my hardest to give my children better than what I had, and I think that I did accomplish that.
Sorry for the book....guess I just needed to get that out

I feel exactly the same Sky. I really tried hard to make up for it with my kids too.

I could kick some serious crap out of alcohol and drug addiction right about now. I've always felt that it just stole all the hard work away from me and my son. My daughter found her way out and has been sober for 9 years. My son is showing signs of finding his way out, but not yet.

I look at it this way. We left a better pattern that will affect many children to come. We didn't finish the whole job, but someone down the line will. That doesn't even guarantee that it won't happen again and the pattern repeat itself. Addiction can invade the life of anyone.

You did really well Sky. You made a difference.

Love and hugs,
MG

[SkyIsFalling42]

Hey guys!
Well, my complaint with the social worker board went out in the mail yesterday. Hopefully, they will not get by with telling me that I have no right to my records.

On Thursday I recieved the first state review of the case, in favor of the agency of course. However, I put in a records request with the state some time ago, and was sent my records from their office as well. I have found what some of the lies have been...things told to the investigators from the state that are not true. One of them is the lie that the 110 page complaint that I compiled, copied and mailed out was completed and filed by an attorney, and that that complaint had been addressed in court. It has never been addressed in court, and I have no attorney. I have written more letters, standing my ground and clearing up these lies. I will send the rest of this out on Monday.

I spent the day on Thursday with my mom, and we done some cleaning in her bedroom. We talked all day long a little about everything. She broke down crying, and apologized for a particuliar beating she had given me. I had been caught shop lifting and I was 12 years old. I remember her being so depressed and in bed for several days after I did this. But, I have absolutely no memory of any beating. This is something that has tormented her..and I have no memory what so ever of it. So, I am back to the "fear zone" in my journey. I am awaiting the memories now that they have been stirred. Oh how I hate this, it is so hard.

[Anna]

Hi Sky,

I relate so much to your trying to do things differently than you had things as a child. Me too! I tried to be the opposite to my mother in every way, to be absolutely determined to be nothing like her. I know that I was a far better mother than she was, no question, BUT, my fixation on being different than her and not necessarily just being myself led to my downfall. How ironic is that. I was so focused that I lost myself and fell into the downward spiral of alcohol, just like she did. I hate thinking about that. Life sometimes takes us to places we had no intention of going.

Good news about your case. I don't really understand why those 'lies' are such a big deal, but since they are I guess you need to prove they didn't happen. It looks like maybe you're making some headway. I admire your determination and pretty much everything else about you!

Hugs and love,
Anna

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((Anna)))

It is so good to know that others have struggled and do struggle as we have. Not that I would wish that on anyone, but to know that we are not alone in things we may think others would not understand is a comfort.
I do not understand it, but it is as though God stripped me of the blinders that seem to always accompany alcohol and drugs. It has cost me dearly in my lifetime through my loved ones, and I just hate its guts!! I hate all that drugs and alcohol stands for, and if it were a person, I would wish for its death. Period.
And Anna, I believe like Morning Glory, we all did do a better job, and maybe someone else will pick up the reins and go farther with what we have begun. Recovery is such a hard road, and when others watch this road being traveled, it is the best tools in life that are given to them. All that we suffer is not in vain, though in our hearts we may feel this way at times.
The lies are a big deal because the state has made its determination based on those lies. If all that accomplish is to set the record straight, so be it. Someday, when I see my grandchildren and I say I did everything single thing that I could in order to keep all of this from happening to you, and to see you, it will the God's truth. And all of the records will be here as proof for them to read. I think that one of my fears is that I will not be here when the kids are grown. But the records will be here always, as I have made arrangements with family members just in case. I will do all in my power to make sure the children know what has happened, as more than anything, I want them to be able to heal, and live a decent life.

[2stop]

Oh Sky.....you are such a strong and beautiful person. I am so angry that these agencies have treated you and those grandbabies like this. My heart aches for you, please know I love you, respect you, and admire, and you make me want to be a better person.............***Big Hugs***

[SkyIsFalling42]

Oh!! All of the above is very true for my sister, and all of my family here. Love ya bunches my sis..here you are, going through so much this week..and sharing such caring love with me. Thank you.