Now bipolar, too?

[ljmason2003]

Well, here we go - my doctor says that in looking over my history, he feels that I have a form of BPD- depression? I'm looking up all of the information that I can find, and so many things just fit. At first we were looking at the possibility of my being Adult ADD, and a lot of the criteria fits there too, but the depressions I get are really severe. Looking back over my life, I have to accept that I may have BPD, and move forward. It kind of explains how as soon as medication is removed for my depression, the whole "cycle" begins again. I feel great, take a job, crash and don't function like I should, generally leave the job or am terminated for absenteeism. The house goes to pot, I lose interest in almost everything and what I do pay attention to I don't put alot of effort into. My hygeine suffers- I'm too tired to deal with it. Regardless of all of this, my daughter is taken care of, although I admit that I'm not "playful" with her during those times. Just moving is tiring.
Then there are the short semi-normal periods, where the house is much better, I have a little energy, take a job and manage my life in a much better way. I goof-off with my daughter, we do things together such as bake cookies, play with her play-dough set, go for walks at the park, etc. At those times I feel strong enough to "take on the world" and as soon as I hit that "peak", I plummet straight to the bottom of that deep dark hole that I can't seem to climb out of on my own.
I see the psychiatrist in a few weeks, about the same time I will see my gp again to see if the prozac is taking care of everything or if I need a mood stabilizer to balance myself. Considering that I've been my husband's biggest advocate to get treatment for his BPD, I'd be rather a hypocrite to not treat mine, now wouldn't I? Set an example, huh?
I'm seeing a counselor for what happened to me in November- I'm almost healed physically, but it's going to be a while before I'm recovered emotionally/psychologically- the attack brought out so many of the memories of the childhood abuse- I guess my foundation that I had established in therapy before was built on sand, 'cause it's been shaken to pieces. I'll be spending a lot of time in therapy this time so that I can build a firm foundation for myself.
To add to the stress, I have legal issues to contend with- the possibility of a 30 day jail term for being unable to pay my child support during the recovery period from this attack on me, and the time periods when I was unable to hold jobs and get on my feet again. For obvious reasons I'm upset- I could lose my youngest child if I go to jail on Monday, and I'm afraid that I'd never get her back. If that happens, I know that I'll give up- it will break me and I won't care anymore what happens to me.

You've really had a rough time this year, but you're working on it and it will get better. It's just really hard waiting until it does. I'm so hoping that you don't go to jail. Can you take some medical documents in with you to show that you were disabled?

I'm hoping you get through this without losing your daughter. I hope the judge gives you time to catch up. I really don't think they can keep your daughter forever because you failed to pay child support. That's different from neglect and abuse isn't it?

I'm wishing you the best in court on Monday. Please let us know what happens.

Hugs,
MG

[ljmason2003]

MG-
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately, the court I'm involved in doesn't seem to recognise "disability" as a "good enough" reason to not be able to pay child support- that is why I'm looking at a 30 day sentence. I have been disabled physically for a long time, and have been in treatment off and on for psychological issues for many years, all of which was ignored by the "probation officer/mediator" and not even given to the judge. Oh, she mentioned that I have two ruptured discs in my lumbar spine, but did not see that as a "reason" for my having difficulty to find and maintain employment, even though she had also been told that where I had been living in Tennessee was also an economically depressed area even for an "able-bodied" person. She also suggested that I start calling friends and family members to loan me the money to keep from going to jail on the "contempt" charge.
This same woman also leaned across the counter and whispered, "How much are you willing to give me to keep from going to jail today?". If I told the court that, who'd believe me?
This all happened in September, and what I'm facing tomorrow is the continuance from that date- it was continued for 3 months to see if I would continue to pay my child support since I was able to find employment here in Vermont that was suitable for my disabilities. Now with everything that has happened and with what my doctor suspects, I have fallen behind a little on the support, so I don't know what they are going to do with me. I am now on State Assistance, and though I'm financially eligible for legal assistance, the budget won't allow legal aid to make any new referrals.
They did advise me, during a telephone consult, to counter-claim contempt on my ex husbands part for his refusal to follow court order concerning my visitation, though, so that is one thing I will have to do when I get to the court tomorrow.
As my doctor hasn't given me the "official" diagnosis yet, I can't produce documentation of the Bipolar disorder, and the court already has documentation of the depression/PTSD. I have the documentation of from the domestic assault, but as history has shown me, it may not count for much.
But, thank you again for letting me express some of my anxiety. Just typing some of this is a relief.

I'll be saying some prayers for you tomorrow.

I can't believe that they don't take all these things into consideration.

Don't they have to give you an attorney?

Hugs,
MG

[Justme57]

Hi ljmason

Your post touched my heart,I am so sorry for your troubles . While I do not know anything about the legal system over there, I am a mother , and can understand your anxiety .

my prayers are with you

HUGX

Lee

Still saying prayers and hope we hear from you soon!

[ljmason2003]

Yeah!!! I'm not in jail!!!
Thanks for the prayers, everyone, 'cause it certainly worked on the probation officer- she was so sweet to me- she actually helped me to deal with my ex. I told her that I'm afraid of him and pointed out that at one time there had been a restraining order for domestic abuse, and from that point on she was very supportive. I have to admit that I was shaking so bad in the courtroom that I could barely stand- I wasn't so bad until I finally admitted that the whole reason I had allowed the order to be almost half of my gross income is that I'm terrified of him because he was abusive during our marriage and because he kept stopping my visitation- as soon as I said that, he leaned a little toward me and the judge just "fixed him with a glare". That's when he turned "raging bull red", and I could just feel the negative waves just streaming out of him.
The judge stated that due to my circumstances, incarceration is inappropriate- I would lose the job that I'm waiting to go back to and would get further behind on the support. She told my ex that that I can't afford to pay any more than what I offered to pay on the back support, and that if it wasn't good enough for him he'd just have to deal with it. She also explained to him that some people are able to pay more support for their kids than others, and told him to give me credit for doing what I can do and have done.
It's been continued until July for a review of how I am doing and how the support has been paid- the judge also took my "modification of support "and "enforcement of visitation" requests and is going to push them herself to set a hearing date. I told her how he has been with-holding the kids and not even allowing me to have letter contact with them, so she is going to work on it. The probation officer also told me that as long as there is no court order denying letters that he cannot stop the girls from getting them, and that it may be considered contempt of court once it actually gets in for hearing. So, HE may be facing a contempt charge and jail sentence for all of the times he's refused to allow me to see my daughters.
I'll keep you posted on all of that. Thanks again for including me in your prayers.

HOORAY!!!!

I got worried when I didn't see you yesterday. I'm so glad it turned out good. I just couldn't see them putting you in jail with your circumstances. So do everything you can to prepare for July.

This is one load off of your shoulders.

Hugs,
MG