My Social Anxiety: Just for today..

[JBroadmeister]

Today...

Was a hard day. As I woke up I remember the very first thoughts that came into my mind were fear, self-resentment, and lonliness.

I laid in bed for over ten minutes before rising and getting ready for the Easter sunday brunch with my family. Thoughts of people making eye contact, asking me questions, and trying to be "lively" put a heavy weight on my shoulders that lasted throughout the morning. I fear that people will see that I have social anxiety which in turn only feeds my fear.

I began to think of how pathetic, weird, and lonely that I am. I mean I can't even be comfortable with myself around my own family. The self-resentment began to kick in. When I looked in the mirror I had a hard time making eye contact with myself. It's hard not to look down.

As soon as I walked in the door to my family's home I began to fear the whole "Hi! Introduction" scene. I wanted to "appear" happy and humourous, but instead I came off as distant and off-putting. I began to blush. I began avoiding eye contact with everyone. And when I did make eye contact, it was very, very, very uncomfortable. Instead of actually listening to what the conversations were about, my focus remained on myself. How I was acting, how I was moving, how I was looking, where I was looking, and what I was going to say. I was deadly afraid that I would fail miserably at all of these tasks and that people began to notice my nervous disposition.

For some reason, when I can tell that someone else notices that I have a nervous disposition, I get immediate thoughts of being a failure. It's like my social anxiety is a deep and dark secret and when it's revealed I'm put to shame. I start looking for a way to escape.

I went to the bathroom, took a few deep breaths, prayed, and tried to shake it off. The tension left, but the heaviness of my spirit remained. I had a very hard time keeping my eyes up and not looking down. I was very afraid that my family would make eye contact with me and see that pain that I was bearing. The tone of my voice began to change. My body language was very akward because I felt as if they were watching me and judging me. The whole room became quiet and I convinced myself that it was because of me and my heavy spirit. I wanted to crawl in a corner, cry, and break something all at the same time.


I've learned that avoiding situations where anxiety may arise only makes it worse, so I'm usually doing something social every day. Sometimes it's this painful, sometimes it's not. Today was a rough day.

I'm a gratefully recovered addict and alcoholic that used to cover up the fear and pain of social anxiety with chemicals. I'm now 18 months sober, by God's grace, and finally coming to terms with the fact that I have a personality disorder. I don't know why I have this disorder. I was the most social, outgoing, and charasmatic person in my family until the age of 20 when something switched and this disorder began to run my life. That was four years ago and I can say that I've missed out and ruined a whole lot of opportunites, friendships, and relationships as a result of my social anxiety. I'm ready to stop living in fear. There's so much more to this life that I am missing out on every day. I hope you all follow along as I thank you for your support

[Scolova]

Wish you the best. I was always the awkward kid around people, didn't fit in with most circles, but my adult anxiety\panic really kicked in about six or seven years ago. My dad died, I kept on drinking harder and harder until my life became completely unmanageable and (almost) anything would get my heart racing and I'd feel light headed and panic. I'm getting much better, but I've done it through 'baby steps' and being consistent (plus quitting my drinking.)

[Mo S]

I know where you are coming from: i got sober at 19 and 5 yrs later my mental illness, anxiety, etc, started to rear it ugly head. Have you tried professional help? I started seeing a therapist which DRAMATICALLY helped me. All kids of successful therapies to deal with anxiety disorders.
I wish you the best.

[JBroadmeister]

Thank you both for the encouragement. I've seen doctors, taken medication, read the self-help books, played the mind games, and I refuse to be a part of it any longer. I'm not interested in covering up the fear and worry. I'm not interested in tricking it out of it's place. I'm not interested in being numb. What I want is to be free from this burden. I want to live in peace, joy, and content. I want to be emotionally involved in my relationships with other people. I want to make other people laugh and give out compliments that make them feel good. I want to be able to look people in the eye and smile without having to force myself. I'm ready for my life to change. And fortunately, I believe in a God strong enough to do exactly that. In fact, God not only wants us to be free from heavy burdens (matthew 11:28) but he also says that He didn't create us to live in a spirit of fear (2 timothy 1:7).

When I came to believe that a power greater than myself could take away my drug and alcohol addictions and restore me to sanity, I saw my life take a 180 degree turn. And if God can take away the addictions that I fought, then I know He will take away this disorder that I fight.

Just for today....

Upon waking this morning I had no anxious thoughts. I got ready for work, made my breakfast, and read my bible... in peace. On my way to work I listen to an amazing band called Jesus Culture. They totally pump me up for the spiritual battle ahead of me.
Everyday for the passed several years while burdened with this disorder I become very anxious about the thought of entering into a new environment when people are around. For example, walking into a meeting or a classroom full of people. It makes it especially worse when I know the people are watching. Today, I was filled with that fear again. Right before I enter the door my heart begins to race. I begin to wonder what I'm going to say and how I'm going to act. As I'm thinking these things I can feel my body begin to tense up and my eyes begin to widen. By the time I walk into the room I look like I've seen a ghost and my facial expression is doing something far from smiling. I then try and get settled into my routine, but of course, I'm certain that everyone is watching me, judging me. So I begin reaching for things in a weird notion and my hands begin to get shakey. Somehow my mind is able to process all of this irrational fear while still going through the motions. It's exhausting.

I get going in my work day and I've become so consumed by trying to fight anxiety that I become very quiet. There are no words coming out of my mouth, but my mind races one million miles an hour.. should I say this? or say this? If I say this then they will think this. And by the time I am spoken to I'm so wrapped up in anxiety that I respond in an anxious matter and display a nervous disposition. And this is where I get mad. I see that someone else notices my anxiety and I'm to the races with a bat. And with that bat I'm beating myself up. I can't let it go. I'm a lonely, pathetic excuse for a human being because I seem nervous interacting with another person. Pretty self-critical aren't I?

The day goes on and it's now time for the gym. I usually suffer pretty bad at the gym because of the high amounts of people and high level of interaction. Today I found myself making more eye contact with people and actually smiling a few times aswell. Crazy, huh! That's progres.. Anyway, I made a point to talk to a few different people... forcing my way through the conversation like they I was on deathrow trying to convice the judge to set me free. It's bad that I feel uncomfortable. But I really HATE when I make other people feel uncomfortable. That's the last thing that I want. In fact I want the opposite.

All in all today was a great day. A little painful, but I've had worse.

[JBroadmeister]

Just for today...

I woke up feeling motivated. I know that I'm only as sick as my secret and once I begin to open up and be transparent about this disorder it gives me a chance to experience healing. On the bay days I have a hard time enjoying the moment. Actually it's more than a hard time... I'm paralyzed. Today was a good day. My thoughts were not as big as my actions. I was able to stay focused on purpose of my day and I was able to express emotions without judging myself or others in the process. Today, I experienced freedom.

I went to a narcotics anonymous meeting. I co-chaired the meeting which puts me in the front of the room with all of the people looking right at me the entire time. When I was first asked to fill the role my initial response was not "oh no, what about my anxiety"...but instead my initial response was "sure, I'd love to help out". It's funny how when I commit to helping someone else that my anxious tendencies lose alot of their power. Perhaps this disorder called social anxiety is a severe case of selfishness?

Anyway I did experience anxiety when speaking at the meeting. When it comes, it comes fast and hard. But today I did not dwell in it. I was able to work through it and eventually let it go. On the bad days I dwell in it for hours and consider all the judgements that people must of had about me. "He got anxious and started blushing, what a loser" or "why's he so uncomfortable and nervous, he's weird." And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The most momumental part of my day was while I was reading this book called "SHINE" by the newsboys. The very first chapter reminded me that in my own human sinful nature I have very little power to do what I actually want to do. Sound familiar? I DONT WANT THIS ANXIETY, BUT I CANT GET RID OF IT. Well Paul explains this dilemma quite well in Romans chapter 7. See I try all too hard to "control" my thoughts and actions so that I will be perceived a certain way. Why do I do that? Out of fear. I'm afraid of being disliked, judged, rejected, etc.. so my disorder wants to "protect" me by attempting to control everything. While the disorder tries to control everything it doesn't allow me to experience the present moment. I'm unable to obtain peace of mind because the racing thoughts that are "protecting" me. It's a vicious cycle.

2 Timothy 1:7 says "For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind."

The reason I had a good day today is because I experienced and accepted God's grace and truth to work in my life. I trusted that in times of fear I could let the holy spirit work in and through me. That allowed me to encounter situations without trying to control the outcome or other people's opinions about me. To keep it simple, I trusted God and when in doubt I refered back to scripture.

Matthew 10:20
-"For it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."

Exodus 4:12
-"Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say"

Luke 12:12
"for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say"

[Vintersemestre]

"Perhaps this disorder called social anxiety is a severe case of selfishness?"

If that were the case your head would explode when you tried to help others :P

I had GAD for awhile - it's much the same only there is no rhyme or reason as to where any of the anxiety is coming from. Any type of stimuli - even totally benign thoughts - can amp it up.

[Idol]

Have you ever tried keeping a record of your anxiety? Like specific times and conditions?

This thread seems very similar to that, but something more specific just a journal, like 8:00am woke up feeling anxious, feelings on this and this.

If you can find a "good" doctor they can help you figure out how to control triggers and explain to you what and why the trigger happens. The more you know the more control you feel and that can help a ton.

[wellnowwhat]

I suffer a lot of the anxiety you describe being around people. I am uncomfortable walking into a room and feel judged (like the classroom you described). I am uncomfortable with small talk etc., even with relatives (like the Easter you described). I can chair a meeting (I feel like I'm playing a role), yet the 5 minute break is torture and I disappear into the washroom.

I read somewhere that introverts have a difficult time with small talk etc. because they actually consider what is being said, and that slows down their reaction time for comments and it becomes inappropriate for everyday chitchat. That's how I felt, that when I could find something to contribute the conversation had moved on, and now it was awkward. Or in my rush to say something timely, I would blurt out something dumb. Having read that this is just my thought process, and the thought process of others, gave me a relief - that it was not just me.

The other thing I read that gave me HUGE relief was that some people when they enter a room are worried on how it would go (me) and are thinking along the lines of "here I am". It was suggested to go into these situations with the thought process of "oh, there you are". I would actually think to myself "there you are, there you are, there you are" with every step I would take towards these social situations. It helped immensely. I could look forward to seeing the people there, who I really did want to see, and I was less focused on me, and every "mistake" I was afraid I would make.

These are just little things that have helped me. They don't always work and I sometimes still bolt when the insecurity is too much. But, they've made it easier to participate in my social life and I have had more successful times than before.

[LoveAffirmLive]

Anyone read 'The Happiness Trap' by Dr Russ Harris? He talks about a fabulous way of seeing unpleasant thoughts as thoughts only and not experiences, memories as thoughts and not feelings that hurt us ...( which in my case lead to anxiety). It's an interesting concept to hold onto, especially if you've been a student of the "feel bad and get rid of those feelings" school but it's the one that resonates the deepest with me after years of trying to get rid of anxiety. I believe what Dr Harris developed is called ACT therapy- Acceptance Compassion/ Connection Therapy.

Luv, Love.

[LoveAffirmLive]

P.S- The principles of ACT therapy- http://www.actmindfully.com.au/upima...iew_of_ACT.pdf

[NewStep]

I have social anxiety too and I often feel the same way. I've learned to shake it off better now, I know it's hard but with events like this you need to move on and remember it's possible you'll do better next time.