Trauma?

[DolphinBlue]

Sometimes I feel hopeless knowing that my trauma is all in my head and that I have no point to work from. Some people have definite events to work with, but mine is mostly emotional and mental. To me, nothing really bad happened, its just all in my mind. I can't see my childhood as traumatic, lacking yes, but terrible no.

Another thought that haunts me is that I don't think my pain is bad enough to recover from. People who go through severe trauma are motivated to recover, people who complain about just "not feeling right" stay that way. I don't know why I think this, but I do.

I'm sorry for being dark but I'm feeling so lonely about this. My thinking is all messed up and I really need someone to say that they know what I'm talking about?

Amy

[phoenix]

(((((((((((((((((Amy))))))))))))))))

A lot of my childhood is a blur.Maybe too difficult to recall.And I often wonder how to recover from what I can't remember.

I think it's important to know that your feelings are valid and important.Our experiences may be different,but that doesn't make one more or less important than another.As much as one person can understand another,I do understand...and I care.

Keep talking...k?

phoenix

[SkyIsFalling42]

((Amy))
Things affect each person differently. I read an article about a man who was driving down the road when he was in his 30's, and had a panic attack, and a new found fear of wrecking. He later found that he was suffering from PTSD, due to an incident in his childhood. As a child, he was riding his bike and he wrecked, skinning his knee. His parents were there, they cleaned and bandaged his wounds, talked with him, and put him back onto the bike to try again. He was not able to relay to his parents the fear he was feeing over riding and wrecking the bike. The parents did what all parents should do, and acted responsibly.
Now, to you and me, this may seem like an everyday occurance for a child, but for him, it clearly was not.
We are never supose to compare our experiences and feelings with other in this manner because of this very thing.
And Amy, we never have to have justification for our feelings. Our feelings are real and they are our own. There is no right or wrong way to feel, our feelings are just that, our feelings.

Amy,

I wasn't motivated to recover. I didn't know I had anything to recover from. I thought all my pain was from current circumstances. I never knew anything happened to me until I remembered. I didn't remember being raped until I was in my late 30's. That was the main event that caused my problems.

There is a reason for your pain and when you are ready it will come up. Your HP knows the right time and knows how to prepare you and knows how to show you. Pain that we carry regularly doesn't just come from nowhere. It's not just in your mind.

We can be depressed for different reasons, but that's different from actually carrying the kind of emotional pain that you carry around in the pit of your stomach or in your heart area. I live in a depressed state. Not anything bad, but just depressed. I think that's all a part of my PTSD. I haven't learned to recover from that yet. It's not bad. It feels like gravity pulling me down all of the time. Like you, I know that my mind needs healing. I don't know at all how my HP will do that, but I didn't know how he was going to do all the other miracles that he has done in my life either. I just wait and have faith.

You can come over here and just talk about anything you feel. You don't even have to know what you are talking about. Don't stay alone. Sometimes just talking brings healing. Being alone with all this is just too hard and it makes us want to isolate ourselves. When I first came here I didn't know how to talk at all anymore.

We love you,
MG

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks so much everyone. You know its good to hear that I'm not the only one and its even more special coming from all of you because I consider your events traumatic, but not mine!

I'm trying really hard to believe that I had a bad childhood and I really want to, but the denial is so strong. This sounds crazy, but I envy people who have memories, who know what happened to them.

Yes MG I feel that pain in my heart and the anxiety in my stomach, it has to be real because my stomach keeps me awake and my heart hurts so bad sometimes that it doubles me over. It was great to hear you validate that for me.

Still, I kind of feel ashamed of myself for "whinging about nothing" and I know that its important to not compare, and I do know that some things that are painful to some are not painful to others. This is where the shame comes from, that others can withstand a lot and I hurt over apparently not much at all. I feel like I'm minimising other people's pain if I dare to talk about my own.

I know that these are just feelings and that they are not necessarily based on reality in the present and I'm working on that. I'm taking these thoughts to my therapist tomorrow and will see if I can understand them a little better, but for now it sure helps venting them here and getting them out to people who understand.

Amy

[2stop]

~Amy~ Bless your heart girl. You are not a whiner, so please do not worry that you are(although I must say I worry over the same) I understand a lot of what of you're saying, not everything , but alot. I have some new memories surfacing, and it's hard, thought I pretty much knew all that had happened, and if anything else had, well, I had gone through enough it wouldn't matter,,just another day, another pain, etc etc. Amy everyone's pain and troubles and agony is unique to them, and they(you) deserve as much love support and understand as anyone. It does not so much matter what or 'how much" one goes through as who and "how many" are there of your fellow sisters in recovery and friends in general. to pick you up, hold you, listen to you, accept YOU right where you are. What matters is that we as humans help each other along this path of life.......your pain is as traumatic as anyone elses.....we all cope differntly and perceive situations differently. I am sending hugs hugs and also prayers to you dear Amy....You are a great blessing to us, to this world...just for being in it. Hold your head high, you should be very proud of how far you've come, how hard you've worked on your recovery.....you, like ALL OF US ON THIS PLANET, ARE AN unrepeatable MIRACLE.

~~Warm Hugs of Love and Light~~ :bluerose

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((Amy)))
I am so glad to hear from you, this worry wart was worrying about you. It helps us so very much to know that we are not alone in these struggles.
Good luck tomorrow with your therapist, and if and when you feel like it, let us know how it went for you.

Amy,

There is a reason for the pain and you'll find it. The type of pain you are describing is not minimal. That's the big kind of pain and it came from somewhere. It's free floating pain. It's not connected to the cause yet. Ask your HP to show you what's hidden and then just wait. I remember how hard it was to be where you are. Just stuck with the pain with no hope in site. That's not easy. I just want to give you hope that you will find your way through this. Our HP teaches us in the waiting. We learn endurance and long suffering and patience and faith and perseverance. There is no other way to learn these things. There is a reason for everything. Even waiting.

Hugs,
MG

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks again everyone, I got a lot out of the messages here and will come back and read them when I need to. I got just what I needed.

Hugs,
Amy

[2stop]

WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! :yellowros :redrose

[DolphinBlue]

Thanks Tammie, it was really nice to see your message.

My therapist says that its all sabotage. He helped me see that I'm doing it in a lot of areas of my life. I tried to tell him I didn't need to be there, bitched about my sponsor and got all passive-agressive with my boyfriend earlier this morning and I didn't even see that all of this is a spin on my self-destruction. I honestly thought that I couldn't trust anyone.

I think that because I've managed to get a pretty good handle on the obvious kinds of acting out (verbal attacks etc) that I just didn't see the more subtle clues.

This is good, I've got something to work with and know what I'm dealing with now. I hope that I can be patient with myself and others.

Amy

[2stop]

~Amy~ Hang on girl, I think you are experiencing spiritual growth and like growing pains IT HURTS!!! I am so sorry it's been so hard for you though, hate to see you struggle, but I also know this is where the guft lies, this is where we dig deeper and deper...until we find the treasure, the peace from within, the self-awarness that WE CAN trust others, but more importantly that WE CAN TRUST OURSELVES> I don't know about you, but trusting myself is one of my number one problemo's..... Sending hugs and pryaer and love andn light to guide you on your jhourney of self-discovery..it'a gonna get better Amy...you work so hard at all your emotions and at your recovery...It WILL pay off, I just know it.......Love to you girl, and as i said earlier..Just Hang on.....it's always daRKEST BEFORE THE DAWN...... :kisshug: