Sex in PTSD Recovery...

[lavendae]

Hi everyone...

I have an issue that I have been struggling with for a long time, and want to get over it-- I was looking for some help in here.

I was molested by my father at 11-12, and went through a horribly physcially, emotionally, pshyologically and sexually abusive relationship lasting for 8 months when I was 15. The man I was with ( I lived with him for most of it) was into BDSM (what a surprise).

I now am in a very serious relationship (been friends for years, dating for 2, want to get married in a couple of years), and am having sexual problems. I have had flashbacks to my abuse (mostly the sexual abuse) for a long time, and although they have gotten better with dillegence and therapy, they have not disappeared. In fact, I think now I am more scared of having the flashbacks than the flashes themselves. I am DEEPLY ashamed, and go into a majorly bad depression after they happen. Those depressions have gotten better since I got sober 3 1/2 years ago, but still....

I also have lost my intrest in sex (normally I am very active). My boyfriend is wonderful, but feels something's wrong with me. I mean, we both know I have complex PTSD, but the recent lack of interest bothers both of us. I seem to try and stop thinking about getting turned on, or fooling around, maybe because I'm just so frustrated....

Does anyone have any advice on how I can cope... any other "survivors" experiences on this... please share. I feel very alone about this.

Thanks,

Laven

[2stop]

Bless your heart dear girl. I understand what you're going through. A few years ago I decided I had to do something about letting my husband know it wasn't HIM that was turning me off, so I told him about the rape and the piece of clothing I had saved from that. I don't know why I hung onto that skirt, but just could not throw it out.(i have since) Well, it disturbed my husband and he thought I meant HE brought on the flashbacks......We had alot of trouble and fighting and real bad times, but I said to hell with giving up! I am worthy damn it, and I am worthy to enjoy sex again, and from sexual abuse and being raped and date raped ...it was very hard to stop being scared of the flashbacks themselves. I kept doing breathing exercises, talking to myself, praying, praying , praying......We are not the criminal in these vicioius attacks, yet we always blame and shame ourselves into pieces of pain as sharp as glass cutting our hearts and severing our emotions from "reality" always needing to be numb or drunk or high to have sex, it gets ugly..We DO NOT have to live like this. There IS help. Bless your heart, I so feel for you. I see you said you've sober for 3 1/2 years. That's AWESOME!! You can make it through this too. Time my dear...and loving yourself, and knowing those flashbacks are simply that..the mind flashing back to find a coping mechanism to proces the pain you still have within you....It will ease with time and learning new coping strategies for the pain..the pain will go away and lessen when it knows you have no further need to confront it again, it is a process, the length of time for recovery is different for everyone, I do believe it will affect us in some form the rest of our lives, but we have the power and the choices now to DO something different with the pain, not let it tear us apart and into hurting, hiding souls. The sun will shine on you again. Look at what you did to become sober!! That took great strength and courage, I am praying for you my friend.......You can PM anytime you like okay?

^^^^^Hugs^^^^

Hi lavendae,

It's very normal to have sexual issues after what you've been through. Are you on antidepressants? They can cause the sexual side effects that you describe too.

Flashbacks are hard to go through. Those memories seem like more than we can handle sometimes. It does get better. It's gradual and hard to notice. I'll see what information I can find tomorrow on the sexual issues. If I find something I'll post it. There is an end to what you are going through. We get so good at coping that we just don't let it bother us anymore.

You just have to get through a day at a time.

Hugs,
MG

[lavendae]

Thanks ladies....

No, MG, I am not on any meds, have not been for 3 years. Occasionally, its been suggested that I go back on some anti-anxiety meds, but I havent been willing to as of yet. I don't feel that it will help, havnt been able to be assured that it will help the flashbacks at all, and I'd prefere to not be on any meds.

I really appreciate what you girls have said... I have spent the last 5 years telling myself that I'm the only one who has thee flashbacks, that my ex is still trying to control me through them, and that I'm letting him control me still. I'm still terrified of anyone who looks like him, and when panic-scared, I dissasociate.

after the relationship, I suppressed all the memories (alcohol helped), then, 5 years ago, they started coming back full force, and no amount of drugs or alcohol would help.
Since I've been sober, the flashbacks have gotten a bit better, but I still have that shame/guilt/severe depression and isolationism afterwards. 90% of the time, they happen while my b/f and I are fooling around.
The Big Book talks about the incomprehensible demoralization that is felt during the worst stages of alcoholism. Sober, I still feel that incomprehensible demoralization -- the flashbacks. Its almost like getting raped all over again.
I just don't know what to do, and I don't want to just lay down and "wait" till "time" heals. I'm not that kinda person. Theres a couple of types of therapys that have been suggested, but I can't afford the therapists that do them. I can barely afford the one I see now. I think somehow, just knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through this, and that i can reach out to you helps...

Thanks,

Laven

I wish I had some magic. I don't think there is much that is harder to go through. I always joked with myself and said I've gone where no man has gone before. That's what it felt like to me.

I don't think there is much worse than losing control of our own minds. I can remember crying and crying telling people I was afraid I was losing my mind. I felt two feet above the ground and behind a tinted window. I lived in terror every day. I had to keep every light on and sometimes just froze in fear.

I didn't have flashbacks at that time. I didn't have flashbacks until about 15 years later. After I remembered and faced everything most of it went away. I wasn't ready to remember until that point. I think the key for me was finally being able to surrender. I just quit and told my HP to do whatever he wanted to do. I was fighting hard to do it myself up to that point. The surrender was at a point when I had tried everything and it didn't work. I mean everything at the time. The minute I surrendered I felt thousands of pound of pain leave me instantly. It was a miracle.

Then came the hard work of flashbacks. Not hard work on my part because my HP was bringing it all up, but hard work to endure it all. Even though it was hard to endure I was able to watch the miracle of healing in my life. One day I had my last flashback and that part of it was over. It was at a time when I felt like I was trapped in the twilight zone and it would never end. I realized that I was listening to every thought that attacked my faith. I saw it clearly. I wasn't going to listen anymore and the pain went away.

Then I was still left with shame and guilt. I couldn't let that go, but this year I was able to let a lot of it go. It was the love and acceptance from all of you here that helped me do that.

Because of all of this I have more than a lot of people. I am content most of the time. I don't need anything from the outside to help with that. I love being here on the boards and that is enough to make my life happy. I have blessings that I don't let slip by. Small things that are important. I'm learning how to grab life as it is and appreciate it. I don't hold onto useless emotions that don't accomplish anything.

My recovery took a long time. I didn't have any resources. Didn't even know what anxiety was. I just had "brain leak"

So hold on for the miracle. It can come in a moment.

I know how hard it is.

Love and hugs,
MG

[Chy]

Anna I'm sorry for what your going through... but do you have a therapist or other professional to help you through this? As MG said once you can face those memories and get through the emotions it does get easier. A very close person to me went through what your going through, and through therapy with her psychologist/psychitrist she has been so much happier and better able to deal with the past as well as her current sexuality.

[lavendae]

MG, thank you. Sometimes the thought that others have been here and come out the other side is enough hope to sustain me. Thats how I got sober-- seeing others who had been through what I had, and they had been sober for years. That was enough for some hope to develop.

I've been trying to develope that hope into faith and courage. For about the last 2 years, my therapist and I have been looking for some support groups in my area for "survivors" of domestic abuse, rape, incest, etc... I reasoned that if the AA groups helped me, that groups for this might as well. We only really found one group, and I went to two meetings, and it didnt stick. I may try goign back, but.... i dont know. Its all so scary. I started posting here b/c I needed to know that I wasnt the only one who had gone through this, and I didnt know where else to turn.

To make matters worse, I still have not fully talked about everything that happened. I have been able to talk about a couple of incidents, and some feelings to my therapist and boyfriend, but sometimes I start to go into a panic attack when I talk about it.

In April of this year, I was molested by a man at work, and that brought forth a whole slew of emotions. The good news is that I dealt with that better than I expected. However, that only added guilt/depression/fear.

I am so scared to talk about this stuff... even to my therapist. I am scared of my reaction, of other peoples reactions, and somethign in my head still says "don't talk about it". I guess I listen to that one. But, with all of your help, perhaps I am beginning to break that. Thank you for that.

I heard a quote today that I liked. "Every day briongs gifts. All we have to do is untie the ribbon."

Laven

A day at a time is all we can do Laven. I know it's hard. You'll have it behind you before you know it. Keep talking about it when you feel you can. Somehow saying it or writing it down makes it real. I think that's why it's so hard to talk about it. I also think that we feel the shame and guilt that shouldn't belong to us and we don't want to share about it for that reason too.

Acceptance of this is very hard. We can only accept a little at a time. You're doing just fine. Groups can be very triggering. It's a little different than AA meetings. I'm not sure I would start a group yet if I were you. It might be too much for you. Just my opinion. I know your therapist knows you better than I do though.

Hugs,
MG

[lavendae]

MG,

Thanks for your support... I acutually thought the groups were too much also... I went to a full-on panic attack the first time i went, but forced myself to go back a 2nd time. I couldnt do a 3rd. My therapist tried to get me to go, but said she understood if i couldnt (i think she has to say that).

I'm interested to know why you say that "the guilt and shame shouldnt be ours" I've never considered whether or not it should be, just that it is. If you could expand on that for me, i'd appreciate it.

Laven

Here is a link Laven. While you are there look around the rest of the site.

http://www.escapinghades.com/guiltshame.html