Morning Glory..keeper of good stuff!!

[SkyIsFalling42]

Hey you lovely woman you!
Was wondering after reading your reply to 2stop if you have any good info on the coping/fantasy survival mechanisms we used as children?
One of these days, I expect you send me an itemized bill for all of my requests Hope you take food stamps.....

[Morning Glory]

I will see what I can dig up when I have more time Sky.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Thank you Ms treasure chest!! I have been looking but cant seem to find anything really good yet!
Whenever you have the time is fine and dandy with me!

[Morning Glory]

Articles on Trauma

Developmental Aspects of Childhood Trauma Contributing to Adult Revictimization
by Elizabeth G. Vermilyea, M.A.

The idea that our past experiences contribute to present and future experiences is not unusual. To a large extent, we are where we've been. For survivors of childhood abuse, this concept can be terrifying. For survivors of childhood abuse and subsequent adult domestic violence, this concept can seem like blame. However, understanding the ways in which the past can infiltrate the present is essential to empowering victims of abuse. It has less to do with assigning blame, and more to do with gaining control.

To explore this issue further, consider some markers of an abusive environment.


Totalitarian control - enforced by violence, death threats, and random reinforcement of petty rules

Pervasive terror - fear for their own life, fear of a loved one's death

Isolation - often intentional destruction or prevention of potentially supportive relationships (Herman, 1992)
Abusive environments mimic environments of torture and mind control as reported by American POWs. Growing up under the iron fist of coercion and abuse has profound effects on survivors. As Judith Herman says "The personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life."

Persons who are routinely exposed to violence and abuse in childhood are likely to experience severe disruption in all significant developmental spheres. The child may develop patterns of coping which solve immediate problems but contribute to long-term difficulty in relating to him/herself and others. These patterns are based on the primary goal of survival.

How does a child survive trauma at the hands of caregivers? S/he adapts in several ways.


Vigilance increases in an effort to be able to predict danger.

S/he works to avoid abuse by hiding (in closets, in the woods etc.), running away, and trying to appear as unnoticeable as possible. However, avoidance usually doesn't work, and if the child is caught later, s/he is sure to suffer more because of the efforts at self-protection.

When avoidance fails, children will try to gain some control by trying to appease or be "good enough" to please the abuser. However, since the abuse rarely has anything to do with the child per se, the abuser is likely to continue on the intended path regardless of the child's behavior.

In an environment where parental power is exercised arbitrarily, rules are inconsistent and the abuse is unpredictable, many children adopt a position of complete surrender (Herman, 1992). This surrender is carefully constructed in the mind of the child. S/he may understand it as something else altogether. Most survivors would balk at the notion of surrender, as if it is a giving in. Clearly, surrender in this sense refers to a self-protective state that is most likely to ensure survival.

The child may create a fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens. S/he may dissociate and let another part split off to compartmentalize awareness of the trauma.

S/he may unconsciously, disconnect the internal mechanisms that facilitate awareness of danger. When these fight or flight mechanisms are constantly activated to no avail, they may be ignored over time. Most survivors learn to shut down awareness of emotions to protect themselves from overwhelming emotional pain and betrayal.
It is the last two mechanisms that contribute most to adult revictimization. When a survivor has to constrict awareness of danger and access to emotions in order to survive, s/he essentially disables self-protective mechanisms. A person who is trapped in a burning building and sees the smoke and flames does not need the ringing of a smoke alarm to know s/he is in danger. However, if that person survives the fire and returns to the building later, the smoke alarm becomes an important source of information about safety once again.

With emotions and awareness of danger disabled in the service of survival, the now-grown survivor is lacking crucial tools that are necessary in adult relationships. S/he cannot access feelings that tell how s/he is doing in relation to someone else, therefore, s/he may become involved with dangerous people without realizing it. Perpetrators may in fact, search out people with these vulnerabilities.

The common result is a repetition of an abusive relationship. "Repetition is the mute language of the abused" (Richard Rhodes). The adult survivor may be prone to patterns of intense, unstable relationships repeatedly enacting dramas of rescue, injustice and betrayal. Repeated abuse is seen as the inevitable consequence of having a relationship,

We as clinicians and helpers serve survivors best when we are willing to help them understand themselves in the context of their histories. Self-awareness is the key to recovery and healing. Yet self-awareness is a two-edged sword for survivors. It puts them in touch with intense emotion and batters against the defenses of avoidance. The challenge for helpers and survivors is to work together to face the facts and feelings in a more integrated fashion. Self-awareness increases self-control and healthy responsibility. These in turn, lead to empowerment. Empowerment is the key to ending cycles of revictimization.

[Morning Glory]

The Lessons of Abuse

During childhood, many survivors learn some of the following lessons about intimate relationships:

a. Fear of/wish for intimacy. In familial abuse, love and abuse become associated. The person providing sporadic adequate caretaking is also the person providing physical or emotional pain. The victim develops a conditioned response to intimacy that involves the perception of impending danger and, therefore, an internal, ongoing fear/wish conflict about intimacy. Anxiety envelops this conflict and stimulates the emergence of defensive strategies, including physical or emotional withdrawal.

b. Caretaking. The victims of abuse receive inconsistent and sporadic caretaking. As children, they provide the caretaking to their needy and immature parents, thereby learning to place others' needs before their own. They learn to give in order to receive even a small amount of attention or validation. The caretaking role can become a means to an end.

c. Compliance and loss of self. The childhood environment of survivors is often inconsistent, chaotic, and emotionally explosive or barren, depending on the type of abuse. Children growing up in these envirorunents learn to "play possum," becoming physically or emotionally invisible to stay safe. Their behavior can be extremely compliant as they forego their own needs and shut off their feelings while focusing on the needs and emotional demands of those around them. This behavior can lead to "other-relatedness" and a disregard of self.

d. Boundary confusion. Boundaries are invisible rules that regulate physical and emotional closeness between individuals. Appropriate boundaries dictate appropriate behavior. In abusive and dysfunctional families, boundaries are either too loose or too rigid. Sexually abusive parents are over-involved with their children, regarding them as mates, not children. They take parent-child intimacy too far and violate the boundaries of this relationship, thus committing an unpardonable offense against the child's innocence. Neglectful parents do the opposite, by failing to meet even the basic needs of their children. A child who experiences inappropriate boundaries may not know how to relate to others as adults because the rules that govern interrelatedness have never been made clear.

e. Self-defense. Because survivors have learned that the world is unsafe, inconsistent, explosive, and unrewarding, feelings of generalized anxiety and fear appear early. While young abused children are limited in their ability to create physical safety for themselves, they have boundless ability to create psychological defenses, which allow them to survive the most horrific abuses. These defenses become reflex responses that often fail to discriminate between perceived and real dangers. An effective and often used self-defense mechanism is dissociation, a strategy by which a person in a dangerous situation escapes emotionally from the body. Although dissociation averts pain, this coping mechanism may not be permanent. Defending, which is a necessity for survival, may later hinder emotional contact with safe or nurturing individuals.

f. Emotional and physical shutdown. Children raised in a safe fancily environment learn to identify, explore, test, and regulate their own feelings. They also learn that their bodies can produce a range of pleasurable, sensory, or erotic feelings. When children are abused, these normal explorations are neither encouraged nor allowed. Children may be punished for expressing feelings or for spontaneous physical exploration. As adults, survivors may be completely out of touch with their own emotions and, in fact, may fear and avoid them. Many adult survivors also feel detached from their bodies, lacking a way to view the body as a source of potential pleasure, thus they may "go numb" as soon as someone touches them physically or emotionally.

g. Physical pain as rewarding. Abused children experience inordinate amounts of physical and/or emotional pain. One common technique to dispel the hurt is to self-inflict physical pain, which can be acute but controllable. The physical pain deflects the emotional pain and causes temporary relief or comfort. In addition, many survivors who dissociate may experience confusion about their identity. In this case, pain may serve to reaffirm their humanity, allowing survivors to clarify their sense of self. Others who self-inflict pain may do so to punish themselves for perceived wrongdoing. Once the punishment is doled out, relief occurs; the individual becomes accountable for the wrongdoing. Still others may seek self-comfort. If love was associated with pain, a survivor may inflict pain in an effort to soothe or comfort.

[Morning Glory]

LET GO of Survival Behaviors Holding You Back
Cavepeople developed a set of survival skills, which enabled them to survive the pressure of Mother Nature. They counted on these behaviors to carry them through. They developed a set of survival skills for the winter season and another set for the summer season. Each set of seasonal survival skills were different and unique from the other. The cavepeople realized that it would be foolhardy to use the summer survival skills in the winter as well as to use the winter ones in the summer. They realized that they needed to accommodate to the context of the season in which they were living if they were to be successful in that season. If they tenaciously held on to the belief that one set of survival skills should be sufficient for the entire year they would not have been successful in their quest for survival. So too, you had developed a set of survival skills to cope with the abuse and neglect you have received during your lifetime. These survival skills were necessary so that you could control other people to deflect away their continued or intended abuse. These skills were tools you used to keep yourself "safe" from the pain; hurt and suffering which abuse gave you. These survival skills have become habits, which you have carried with you to this very day. These behaviors were good coping skills during periods in which you were subject to or susceptible to being abused. A complete description with how to deal with these behaviors is contained in Tempering Survival Behaviors in Tools for Handling Control Issues.

Today your survival behaviors, which were once coping skills, can now be barriers to your personal growth and recovery from living in an unbalanced way. These survival skills can be the control mechanisms, which you are currently exercising which keep you resistant to the messages of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program. These behaviors can be the reason why you have not fully implemented the balanced lifestyle system in your life at this time. What you need to do is to LET GO of these survival behaviors you have developed because of the abuse you have received in your life so that you can be more open to and ready to implement the principles of the balanced lifestyles system in your life.

The first step you need to take is to LIGHTEN THE PRESSURE to control the externals in your life by use of your survival behaviors. To do this you need to do an ALERT and identify if you are currently using survival behaviors to keep you off track from fully implementing the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program in your life by changing your relationship with food, exercise and handling your emotions in food-free ways. To help you identify if you are using survival behaviors to be resistant to the messages of this program you first need to know what a survival behavior is. Survival behaviors are walls or barriers which you have built between yourself and the others whom you perceived to be threatening, abusive, neglecting, ignoring, hurtful or rejecting so that you would not be hurt or subjected to pain. Survival behaviors were a way to put the "locus of control" in your own hands, based on the thinking that you could control your own destiny and avoid being hurt or subjected to more pain or harm at the hands of others. They were the weapons you used to fight off the control and intimidation of others whom you believed were threatening to your emotional or physical health. These behaviors over-controlled your own thinking, feeling or acting so that you became closed in, pulled in and appeared to be "non-feeling," and thus kept people from ever knowing how you "really felt"so that they could not have any power or control over you. With these survival behaviors you had a "power and control" armory to call upon when anyone was "getting too close" to you and you felt the need to "put them off" so that they would "back away" and give you enough "space" to feel comfortable. relaxed and safe. These behaviors are a invisible "guard all shield" which no one can ever break through and result in you keeping everyone in your life at a distance from you. The problem with using your old survival behaviors in addressing the implementing of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program is that they keep you from being open to its messages and the people involved. These survival behaviors keep you at a distance from getting engaged in the program's support system and make you resistant to being open to its hope-filled and redeeming messages. To help you complete the ALERT phase of the LIGHTEN PRESSURE step take the following Survival Behaviors Inventory to identify which behaviors are impediments to your fully implementing the Balanced Lifestyles System in your life.

Survival Behaviors Inventory
Directions: For each survival behavior, rate your level of exhibiting it specifically as you address the implementing of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles in your life. Read the description first before you rate the behavior. Use the following rating scale:

1 = Never 2 = Rarely 3 = Sometimes 4 = Frequently 5 = Almost Always

( 1) 1 2 3 4 5 Refusal to Grow Up - Being Irresponsible

By your thinking, feelings or actions you let others know that you have no intention to "grow up" and think, feel or act responsibly like an "adult." You have probably never been able to have a real childhood and you feel that it is your time now for others to "take care of you" as if you were a child again and you are waiting for others to do what is necessary for you to implement the principles of this program in your life. You want others to do it for you. By being irresponsible you can avoid being accountable for anything which might go wrong in the implementation of the elements of this program in your life. You can then point the finger of blame at the others who were responsible for the balanced lifestyles processes being put into practice in your life if you are not successful.

( 2) 1 2 3 4 5 Conflict with Authority Figures

By your thinking, feelings or actions you place yourself in direct conflict with authority figures in your life. In this program the "authority figure" could be the author of the book or the leader of your class or the support group in this program. You have been burnt by authority figures in the past and you reason that you are not going to let the perceived authorities in this program overwhelm and control you.

( 3) 1 2 3 4 5 Chip on Your Shoulder

This is the "tough guy" approach of thinking, feeling or acting which challenges others to take the first move to try to get the chip off your shoulder. This is a sign of your unresolved past hurt and pain. You find yourself challenging the tenants of the program. You find yourself challenging the other members of your support group or group leader and you appear ready for a fight at any moment and find it difficult to relax with this program, its tenants, principles and the people associated with it.

( 4) 1 2 3 4 5 Lack of Emotional Empathy

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting based on the inability to be open to the feelings of others so as to prevent getting involved with them at an emotional level. This is a way to protect yourself from being vulnerable to being hurt in relationships if you get too close. This impacts your ability to give and receive support in the support group which you have joined as you work with this program and it makes it difficult for you to "understand" the emotional component of this program. You feel lost when emotional issues are discussed in the book or in your group or class.

( 5) 1 2 3 4 5 Denial of Feelings or Pulling-In Feelings

This is a pattern by which you do not admit to having any positive or negative feeling about your past or current life. This is a way to protect yourself from pain, hurt, shame and upset. It also keeps you from experiencing enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction in life. It makes it difficult for others, in the support group in this program, to relate to you since they can't get a clear picture of who you are by "pinning you down" on how you feel towards them or the program itself. The most unbalanced people in life often are those who deny that their binge or compulsive over- eating is based on their feelings. They tenaciously hold on to the belief that all they need to do, to lose weight and get thin, is to eat less which will control their binging and compulsive over- eating.

[Morning Glory]

( 6) 1 2 3 4 5 Disassociation from Feelings

This is a pattern of becoming numb or disconnected from the feelings accompanying an event which is unpleasant, threatening, abusive or violent, uncomfortable or challenging to you. This pattern of dealing with your feelings enables you to terminate an association with the event so as to survive the event and get on with your life. In this program many of the issues raised have created for you discomfort and been challenging to you. You find yourself disassociating from the feelings of discomfort or being challenged by the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles tenants. Many unhealthy food-based responses to emotions are based on disassociation from feelings and you are not even aware of it when it happens.

( 7) 1 2 3 4 5 Invisibility

This is the pattern of thinking, feeling and acting which helps you not to be seen, heard or attended to by others so that they do not focus any negative actions or behaviors your way. This helps you to protect yourself from future real or perceived hurt, pain or abuse by others. In this program when you act invisible your needs are not addressed and you do not experience the growth needed to be successful in changing your lifestyle. Your class or group leader and members of your support group do not know what you are thinking and feeling when you maintain your invisibility and cannot provide you the support needed as you tackle the changes in your relationship with food, exercise and handling emotions in food-less ways.

( 8) 1 2 3 4 5 Self-Medicating Behaviors

This is a pattern by which you medicate or anesthetize the pain, hurt, shame, suffering or emptiness you have experienced in life. In this program we know that compulsive and binge over-eating is a form of self-medicating. The pressure you have experienced as you address the tenants and principles of this program may have been so great that you self-medicated with food or some other form of addictive behavior. Self-medicating with food is an unhealthy way to deal with your emotions.

( 9) 1 2 3 4 5 Inability to Trust

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you do not allow yourself to trust anyone since you have trusted others in the past who eventually hurt and abused you. You are not willing to be taken advantage of nor hurt and abused by others in the future. You listen to the tenants of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles and find it difficult to trust that you will never have to diet again. You find it difficult to trust that you only need to change your relationship with food, exercise and dealing with emotions in foodless ways to gain a balanced lifestyle with the 3 Increases of Health, Happiness and Energy. You find it difficult to trust that you are a good person just the way you are and do not need to starve yourself to become thin so that you are "good enough." You find it difficult to accept the rational perspective in this program because it is so unlike the other diet and weight management programs you have tried in the past. You reason: "This program is out of sync with the other weight management and diet programs I have been in and how can I trust what it is telling me since it is so out of the mainstream diet thinking."

(10) 1 2 3 4 5 Playing it Safe - Avoiding Taking Risks

This is a pattern by which you "play it safe" and not take risks so that you are not hurt, abused or taken advantage of by others. Playing it safe keeps you feeling secure in a cocoon sheltered from the hazards and risks of life and hopefully prevents you from making mistakes or failing by the decisions and actions you take in your life. You choose to "play it safe" in this program and do not attempt to implement the changes necessary to develop a new relationship with food, exercise and handling emotions in food-free ways. You are stuck in your "diet mentality" and work at starving yourself so that you can get thin and then be "good enough" to yourself and others. You lack the rational insight to realize and trust that this program, its author, your group or class leader and the members of your support group have nothing to gain and will not take advantage of you if you implement the Balanced Lifestyles system in your life and are successful in your efforts.

(11) 1 2 3 4 5 Self-Containment - False Pride

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling or acting by which you try to convince yourself and others that you do not need anyone else to help you do what you want to do in your life. This keeps you from accepting the support from others in this program. Your attitude of: "I know I can do it on my own" keeps you from being open to support, advice and assistance from the leaders of your class or group, from the author of this program and the members of your support group. This form of pride leaves you open to feeling more alone, abandoned and isolated as you face implementing this program's system in your life.

(12) 1 2 3 4 5 Mask Wearing - People Pleasing

This is a pattern of behaviors which hides from others how you are really feeling to prevent real or imagined abuse, rejection, non-approval or condemnation from those who would be offended by your honest assessment, judgment or reaction. You are wearing masks and pleasing others by keeping silent about how you feel about the tenants and principles of the program. You find them either too hard to accomplish or too simple to be all you need to do, to gain a balance in your life. You shy away from honest statements to yourself or others of how you are reacting to what is being said in this program so as not to offend anyone.

(13) 1 2 3 4 5 Running Away

This is the pattern of thinking, feeling or acting by which you run away in your head or in reality to avoid having to face any hurt, pain, abuse, suffering, anxiety, stress or tension. The unpleasant realities presented in the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program have you so befuddled at this time in the program that you are contemplating running away so that you can get to a safe place from the new, challenging and risky tenants and principles involved. You have your plans ready for a quick exit as soon as the heat gets too unbearable for you.

(14) 1 2 3 4 5 Lying

This is a pattern by which you hide or omit the truth from others so as to avoid real or perceived abuse, hurt or conflict. In this program you find yourself lying about implementing things which you have not wholeheartedly accepted or wanted to do. You find yourself making excuses and using diversionary tactics to keep yourself from being cornered into admitting that it is difficult for you to do the things necessary to implement this program's systems in your life.

(15) 1 2 3 4 5 Overreaction

This is a pattern by which you blow things out of proportion to keep people concerned, confused and upset to gain attention for yourself to insure that you are not forgotten or ignored. You reason that negative attention is better than no attention at all. You are over-reactive to many or all of the tenants and principles of the program and make it a point to make this know to the people in the program, your group leader and to your support system.

(16) 1 2 3 4 5 Escape into Fantasy-Magical Thinking

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you avoid unpleasantness by fantasizing how it could be. You use flights into fantasy and magical thinking to relieve the stress, anxiety or tension which you experience as you face the realities of what it will take to implement the components of this program in your life. You prefer to escape into the belief that it should be easier and faster and more permanent to gain the benefits of a balanced lifestyle by simple solutions which are not presented in this program.

[Morning Glory]

(17) 1 2 3 4 5 Lack of Commitment

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you never commit to anything so as to prevent yourself from being entangled or tied into anything in which you might fail or be hurt. You find it difficult to make a commitment to implementing the Balanced Lifestyle system of dealing with food, exercise and emotions for fear that you will not do it "good enough" or not be successful in your efforts and then be rejected, condemned or ridiculed because of your failure.

(18) 1 2 3 4 5 Antagonism - Hostility

This is a pattern of negativistic thinking, feeling and acting which reflects your self-protectiveness from real or perceived threats to you. This puts others off and maintains physical and emotional distance between you and them. Your antagonism is present in your dealings with this program, the author, the group or class leader and the members of the support group. You find yourself hostile to the principles and tenants of the program and do not hide it.

(19) 1 2 3 4 5 Defensiveness

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you are always "on guard" for real or perceived threats to you. This defensive attitude protects you from "being wronged," hurt, "unwanted" or "unloved." The defensiveness with this program reflects your belief that: "I know it won't work for me anyway so why try it." You find yourself in a "yes...but..." whenever your are reading this book or attending the program's class or group.

(20) 1 2 3 4 5 Indecisiveness - Procrastination

This is a pattern which prevents you from being "tied down" to a decision, lest the decision be a wrong one. You put off making the decision for as long as you can in hopes that you never have to make a decision which could result in your making a mistake or experiencing failure. You find yourself getting stuck in implementing this program due to your putting off your decision to do so.

(21) 1 2 3 4 5 Denial of Reality - Repression

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling or acting which allows you to deny the reality of past hurts, injustices or pain which you have experienced. This denial or repression is based on the belief that if you admitted this negative reality you would go insane from the shame, pain, misery, horror, rage, and shock you would experience from facing it the way it was. This accumulation of "unfinished business" is addressed in this program and you are constantly encouraged to face the reality of the abuse and neglect you have received due to your body image and weight not being "good enough" for others. You are encouraged to do ANGER work to free yourself from the pain of these past injuries but you refuse to face the past and work hard at denying that anything ever was done to you which was hurtful or damaging to your self-esteem or mental health.

Survival Behaviors Inventory Interpretation:

If you rated a behavior a 3 or higher this behavior is a survival behavior with which you are trying to control how this program impacts your life. You need to proceed to get rational alternative messages which free you up to be more accepting and open to the messages, tenants and principles of this program so that your thinking, feelings and actions can be committed to implementing them now. These survival behaviors with a 3 or higher rating are preventing you from progressing in this program and might be the reason you need to take a break from the program until you are ready to deal with the program in a honest and sincere way. These survivor behaviors were helpful to cope with the abuse in your past life but they are debilitating your efforts to change your life and relationship with food, exercise and handling your emotions in food-free ways. As you proceed to use the ALERT system to identify new affirmations to encourage your forward momentum in this program do ANGER work over the reality that your survival behaviors which once served you well are now the foundation of the self-sabotage which is keeping you stuck from moving forward in this program. After you do your ALERT and ANGER work be sure to do CHILD work to nurture yourself and to inform yourself that you will protect yourself from any harm, hurt or pain which might come your way from implementing this program in your life. Once you have completed these LIGHTEN THE PRESSURE tasks you are ready for the next LET GO steps.

You are now ready to EXERCISE YOUR RIGHTS to have a chance to be successful in this program by letting go of the need to allow the control mechanisms of survival behaviors to keep you off track. Make a commitment to TAKE THE STEPS necessary to insure that your survival behaviors are less of a factor in impeding your progress in this program. You can do this by informing the members of your support system of the existence of these survival behaviors and how to recognize them. You can give them permission to "call you on it" or confront you when these self-sabotaging survival behaviors are apparent to them. You can give them permission to remind you of the need to be vigilant lest these behaviors take over your efforts at changing your lifestyle. You need to let others know that you are GIVING UP THE NEED to control the components involved in this program. You need to let them know that you will work at being more open to the tenants and principles of the program for what they are rather than how you perceive them to be. You will work hard at accepting the principles of this program not as threats of new pain, hurt or suffering for you but rather as hope-filled, redeeming behaviors which have the promise of the 3 Increase of Health, Happiness and Energy. You need to then ORDER YOUR LIFE by handing your survival behaviors over to your Higher Power as old behaviors over which you have been powerless to handle. You need to admit to your Higher Power and to yourself that these survival behaviors have become entrenched habits which are part of your personality make up and which you are powerless to change on your own with out the assistance of your Higher Power. You need to insure that you are able to make an ongoing inventory of how well you are dealing with your survival behaviors and maintain a vigilant watch for when they become more active in your lifestyles change efforts again so that you can LET GO of them when the need arises.

You know that the abuse, which you have experienced in your past, has been very painful and hurtful to deal with. You have been proud of the power, which your survival behaviors have given you to avoid or deflect further abuse in your life. You might be afraid to try to do this LET GO process to lessen the impact of these behaviors now. You might be afraid that if you let your guard down you will be weakened against future efforts to take advantage of or abuse you. This program is only suggesting that you lessen the impact of the survival behaviors in your efforts at implementing this balanced lifestyles program in your life. You are not being asked to eliminate your survivor instincts and intuition to protect yourself from future abuse or neglect from others. You are only being asked to free your energy level to implement this program in your life. This program is not going to take advantage of you nor hurt you. The only way you can be hurt in this program is self-inflicted hurt due to your being too perfectionistic, idealistic, conditional self-accepting, shame and guilt inducing or basing your self-worth on externals. You will need to accept the personal responsibility to establish boundaries between yourself and the perceived or real critical judgment and criticism of others as you pursue this program in your life. You will need to work at accepting that you are a human being after all and that you should not be held to a level of accomplishment, which is too perfectionistic or idealistic. Finally you will need to continue to do ANGER work about how you need to accept life the way it is rather than how you would idealistically like it to be. Once you have accepted that you are, by your self-hatred and martyr role, a worse abuser of youself than anyone else before you will be more willing to let go of the survival behaviors so that you can proceed with the task at hand of changing your dealings with food, exercise and emotions.

[Morning Glory]

Tools for Handling Control Issues
Tempering Survival Behaviors
Content:

What are survival behaviors?
Survival behavior self-assessment
What are the negative effects of survival behaviors?
How are survival behaviors a control issue?
What irrational thinking contributes to survival behaviors?
How you can temper survival behaviors
Steps to tempering survival behaviors



What are survival behaviors?
Survival behaviors are:

Those behaviors you needed to exhibit in order to survive in an abusive, neglecting or ignoring environment in your family of origin, marriage, work, or school setting.

The walls or barriers which you have built between you and others so that you will never be hurt again like you were in the past.

Your pulled-in feelings which you are no longer willing to share with others lest they take advantage of your vulnerability.

The closing off of your vulnerable side for fear of being hurt again.

The insecurity and lack of trust you exhibit to others who reach out to show interest or concern to you.

Your lack of tolerance and apparent lack of empathy for the feelings of people who have their own problems and are in pain. This is especially true if you think their problems compared to your past ones are trivial or less severe.

The competitive way in which you deal with people always looking out for "who is the winner or loser'' in each human transaction you encounter.

The coldness and disengagement you display as you describe your problems from your past.

The often hostile, negativistic, sarcastic, and cynical attitude you hold towards life.

The often bitter, acrid, and biting comments you make about aspects of your life.

The often uncontrollable anger, rage, and hatred that you exude as you speak of past hurts.

Your unwillingness to consider that there might be more viable options for you to cope with life than your "tried and proven'' self-defensive model.

Your defensive and "closed in'' attitude when others suggest to you a constructive criticism over something you have said or done.

Your inability to warm up to people and your shy and retiring ways whenever you are in a new social situation.

Your fear of speaking up in a group of people lest they not accept or approve of you.

Your desire to be invisible so as not to be hurt or abused in any way.

Your guardedness and watchfulness in your interactions with people lest they get to know too much about you for fear they take advantage of you with that information.




Survival behavior self-assessment
Survival Behaviors Inventory

Directions: For each survival behavior, rate your level of exhibiting it in your life. Use the following rating scale.

1 = Never

2 = Rarely

3 = Sometimes

4 = Frequently

5 = Almost always


1 2 3 4 5 ( 1) Refusal to grow up - This is a pattern in which you think, feel, or act in a way that lets others know you have no intention to "grow up'' to think, feel, or act like an adult.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 2) Authority figure conflict - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting which places you in direct conflict with the authority figures in your life. This often results in your jumping from job to job

1 2 3 4 5 ( 3) Unapproachability - This is a pattern of behaviors which is often unintentional and is based on your shyness and aloofness with others. This is a perception which others have of you and as a result they avoid contact or involvement with you. They often perceive you to be arrogant, "better than thou,'' or "together'' when in fact you are just the opposite.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 4) Shyness and aloofness - This is a pattern of behaviors which reflects your fear of involvement with others. Others perceive you as being distant and non-communicative. It reflects your fear of rejection and non-approval.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 5) Chip on your shoulder - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting which reflects your "tough guy'' approach of challenging others to take the first move to try to get the chip off your shoulder. This is a reflection of your unresolved past hurt and pain and tends to put off new people.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 6) Need for nurturance - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting which reflects the deficit of parental male or female nurturance in your life. It often results in your intentional or unintentional compulsive or addictive searching for male or female affection, attention, or approval in your life.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 7) Addictive relationships - This is a pattern of your developing relationships with others in which you lose your ability to control or temper your thinking, feeling, or acting to the point where you are obsessed and lose yourself in the other.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 8) Enmeshment of relationships - This is a pattern in your relationships where you "cling on'' so that there is an overBbondedness between you and the other. You hold on tightly so as to ensure that no outside influence intrudes to upset the balance you have created.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) Loss of emotional boundaries - This is a pattern in your relationships in which you and the other become unable to differentiate feelings, attitudes, and beliefs from one another. If one hurts or is in pain, the other is hurt and in pain. This over identification is a way to try to ensure bonds of loyalty, trust, and fidelity.

1 2 3 4 5 (10) Lack of emotional empathy - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting based on the inability to be open to the feelings of others so as to prevent your getting involved with them at an emotional level. This is a way to protect yourself from being vulnerable to being hurt in relationships if you get too close

1 2 3 4 5 (11) Inability to be intimate - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting which prevents you from getting emotionally close to others. This is a method to protect yourself from the hurt and pain if the relationship should end in a negative way.

1 2 3 4 5 (12) Icebox behaviors - This is a pattern of acting which freezes others out of emotional involvement with you. This is a way in which you keep others from getting too close to you lest if they know you too well they could hurt you as you have been hurt in the past. Other names for this are: Ice Woman, Ice Man, Freezer, Refrigerator, Ice Cube, Icicle, or Cold.

1 2 3 4 5 (13) Lack of commitment - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you never commit to anything so as to prevent yourself from being entangled or tied into anything in which you might fail or be hurt.

1 2 3 4 5 (14) Antagonism - This is a pattern of negativistic thinking, feeling, and acting which reflects your self-protectiveness from real or perceived threats to you. This is a hostile pattern which puts others off and maintains emotional and physical distance between you and them.

1 2 3 4 5 (15) Defensiveness - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting by which you are always "on guard'' from real or perceived threats to you. This on guard attitude protects you from "being wronged,'' "hurt,'' "unwanted,'' or "unloved.'' It reflects the "I knew it wouldn't work out anyway'' attitude in which you enter into relationships with other people, places, and things.

1 2 3 4 5 (16) Indecisiveness - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting which prevents you from ever being "tied down'' to a decision lest the decision be a wrong one. This prevents you from being hurt by a mistake but it keeps you stuck from making progress in your life.

1 2 3 4 5 (17) Irresponsibility - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting in which you try to accept as little responsibility for yourself or others as you can. This results in your never having to be accountable for anything which may go wrong or fail in your life. Never wanting to be "answerable'' for anything keeps you functioning in an irresponsible way.

1 2 3 4 5 (18) Out of touch with reality - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting which allows you to deny the reality of past hurts, injustices, or pain which you have experienced. This denial of reality is based on the belief that if you admitted reality for what it was you would go insane from the shame, pain, misery, suffering, horror, rage, anger, and shock you would experience from facing it the way it was. This being out of touch, however, keeps you from progressing along in your current life due to the amount of "unfinished business'' you avoid by denying and being out of touch.

[Morning Glory]

1 2 3 4 5 (19) Lack of conscience - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting by which you never allow yourself to be bothered by anything negative you have done to yourself or others. This is often a result of your inability to face the harm you've done to others. Since you feel you have been so badly treated in the past, you have a hard time admitting you have or are doing the same to others.

1 2 3 4 5 (20) Denial of feelings - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting by which you do not admit to having any positive or negative feelings about your past or current life. This is a way to protect yourself from pain, hurt, shame, and upset. But it also keeps you from experiencing the enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction of the positive aspects of your life. This makes it difficult for others to relate to you since they can't get a clear picture of who you are by "pinning you down'' on how you feel towards them or anything else in your life.

1 2 3 4 5 (21) Invisibility - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which your goal is not to be seen, heard, or attended to by others so that they not focus any negative actions or behaviors your way. This is to protect you from future real or perceived hurt, pain, or abuse by others.

1 2 3 4 5 (22) Self-medicating behaviors - This is a pattern of behaviors by which you medicate or anesthetize the pain, hurt, shame, suffering, or emptiness you have experienced in your life. This includes alcohol or drug abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive overeating, shopping, or gambling, etc. This pattern can accelerate to habitual or addictive levels if allowed to go unchecked and then creates new problems for you.

1 2 3 4 5 (23) Inability to trust - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting by which you do not allow yourself to trust anyone in your life. This lack of trust prevents you from making the mistake of becoming vulnerable with another lest the other hurt, abuse, or take advantage of you like others have done to you in the past.

1 2 3 4 5 (24) Playing it safe - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting by which you ``play it safe'' lest you take a risk and be hurt, abused, or taken advantage of by others. This also prevents you from making a mistake or failing in decisions or actions in life. "Playing it safe'' keeps you secure in a cocoon sheltered from the hazards and risks of life.

1 2 3 4 5 (25) Self containment - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you try to convince yourself and others that you don't need anyone else in your life but you. This keeps you from seeking or asking for help from others so as not to be let down if they don't respond. "I know I can do it on my own'' attitude keeps you from being open to the support, advice, and assistance of helpers in your life. This pattern feeds on itself and can lead to exacerbation of your sense of isolation, abandonment, and loneliness.

1 2 3 4 5 (26) Mask wearing - This is a pattern of behaviors to hide from others your true feelings. This helps you to keep others in the dark as to how you are actually reacting to people, places, or things. By masking feelings you prevent real or imagined abuse, rejection, non-approval, or condemnation from those who would be offended by your honest assessment, reaction, or judgment.

1 2 3 4 5 (27) Running away - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting by which you run away to avoid having to face any hurt, pain, abuse, suffering, anxiety, stress, or tension. Running away either in your head or in reality helps you to avoid confronting the unpleasant realities of your life.

1 2 3 4 5 (28) Lying - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting by which you hide the truth from others so as to avoid real or perceived abuse, hurt, or conflict. Lying or omitting the truth of details is a way to cover up anything which you believe could cause trouble for you with others.

1 2 3 4 5 (29) Overreaction - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you blow things out of proportion to keep people concerned, confused, and upset. Overreaction is a way by which you gain attention for yourself when ordinary means fail. It is a way to ensure that you are not forgotten or ignored.

1 2 3 4 5 (30) Escape into fantasy - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you avoid the unpleasantness of your present circumstances by fantasizing how it could be. Flight into fantasy gives you momentary relief from the stress, anxiety, or tension of the hurtful, abusive, neglectful, punitive, shameful, negating reality you are experiencing at the time.

_____ TOTAL SCORE


To determine your level of survivorship, add the circled ratings to get a total score. Then use the following scale and interpretation.

TOTAL SCALE INTERPRETATION

30-60 Lowest level of survivorship You rarely use survival behaviors and probably do not need to work on tempering survival behaviors. To be safe, work on all behaviors you rated 3 or higher.

61-90 Mild level of survivorship You sometimes resort to the use of survival behaviors. It is important for you to work on all the behaviors you rated 3 or higher.

91-120 Moderate level of survivorship You frequently utilize survival behaviors in your relationships with others. In order to improve these relationships, you need to concentrate efforts on modifying all behaviors you rated 3 or higher.

121-150 Severe level of survivorship You are bogging down your ability to relate to others through an overuse of survival behaviors. You will need to address all behaviors listed in this inventory rated 3 or higher.

What are the negative effects of survival behaviors?
If you continue to display survival behaviors, you could:

Find it difficult to attract people to you because of your coolness, aloofness, or biting hostility.

Be rejected by people who have reached out to you in care, concern, and support whom you have turned off by your distancing tactics and behavioral barriers.

Become an embittered, lonely recluse who is cut off from everyone who once had shown you care, concern and support.

Be so well hidden by your "guard-all'' shield that no one ever breaks through the "real'' you so you become more isolated and ignored.

Arouse other people's anger, animosity, rage, or scorn by your sarcastic, bitter, cynical sense of humor and outlook on life.

Drive people away from you by your constant challenging and testing of their loyalty, sincerity, and credibility when they show the slightest interest, concern, or support for you.

Become so self-centered that you are incapable of being open to hear or understand others' hurts, pain, or suffering and can be perceived as a "scrooge,'' "cynic,'' or "shrew.''

[Morning Glory]

Confuse people who are honestly interested in getting close to you by the mixed messages of 'approach/avoidance'' you send out by using words of an "approach'' nature but displaying behaviors of an "avoidance'' nature.

Get into trouble with authority figures because of your lack of trust or respect and because you challenge their knowledge, competence, and abilities by outshining them in your own productivity, talents, and achievements.

Be so committed to "making it'' through material success and accumulation that you never achieve a satisfying set of healthy adult human relationships.

Become so focused on the belief that you must always be on guard that you gain a full-blown paranoid outlook on life.

Experience worse low self-esteem because you are never capable of getting the support, acceptance, and positive reinforcement from others you need.

Never grow up into a mature, healthy adult.

Be so invisible that you are chronically ignored by the people in your life.




How are survival behaviors a control issue?
Survival behaviors are control issues because:

They are an attempt to keep the "locus of control'' in your hands.

They have been the way in which you have exercised your right to control your own destiny in life so as to avoid being hurt or subject to more pain or harm.

You seek to control situations in which you might be vulnerable by blocking out others from getting to know who you really are.

You refuse to hand over any power to anyone else so that they are never given a chance to attempt to do to you what was done to you in the past which resulted in your being abused, mistreated, hurt, or harmed.

You tightly control your feelings by holding them in behind your "barrier'' so that no one can get intimate with you.

People are often intimidated, offended, or put off by your behaviors and tend to see you as arrogant, standoffish, hostile, or belligerent.

They never allow anyone who comes in contact with you the chance to get to really know you nor to have any power or control over you.

With the mask of these behaviors no one can see if you feel helpless, powerless, or out of control in any situation with any person, place, or thing.

They are used as a weapon to fight off any manipulation, fixing, or caretaking by others.

They are a set of behaviors of overcontrol of your thinking, feeling, or acting which results in your being closed in, pulled in, and appearing "nonfeeling.''

You have used these behaviors to save yourself in overcontrolled, intimidating, or coercive environments or situations in the past.

They ensure you the ability to control other persons, places, or things in your current environment so that you alone are the determinant of what you do or don't get involved with in the future.

With these behaviors you have a power and control armory to call upon when anyone is "getting too close'' to you and you feel the need to "put them off'' so that they will "back away'' and give you enough "space'' to feel comfortable, relaxed, and less defensive.




What irrational thinking contributes to survival behaviors?
It worked well in the past for my survival so I'll use it now in the present.

It's my turn to get even.

No one will ever hurt me again.

I don't know what normal is so why try?

I have too much to lose to let my guard down.

If it works for me, why try anything different?

They must all be crazy to be bothered by that.

I know more than they do so why should I listen to them?

I don't care if he is my boss. I know what I'm doing around here.

I see no need to grow up since being an adult is so boring.

I'll reject them before they reject me.

I've been ignored so much that there is no way I am going to try anymore.

Why does it have to be me who takes care of me; why can't others do it for me?

Just once I'd like someone to take care of me.

They'll all let me down so why try?

Just try to be nice to me and I'll bite off your head.

Don't use your phony "caring, loving'' behaviors with me. I don't need it.

No matter what you do for me it will never make up for my past so why try?

They'll never accept me fully so why should I try to let them know me?

If they know too much about me, they could really hurt me later on.

No matter what I do, I am never appreciated around here.

As good as I do, I never feel it is "good enough'' for them.

I'd rather not be seen and/or heard around here. You get along better that way



How you can temper survival behaviors
In order to temper survival behaviors, you can follow these steps.

First: You first need to identify if your current behaviors fit any of the survival descriptions in Survival behavior self-assessment above

Second: Once you identify which survival behaviors you are currently engaged in, you then need to identify what are the negative consequences of these behaviors so as to motivate yourself to change them.

Third: Once motivated to change them, you need to identify the unhealthy thinking and feeling which lies at the root of the behaviors.

Fourth: Then you need to identify new, healthier alternative ways of thinking and feeling to help you change.

Fifth: You now are ready to identify new, alternative healthy replacement behaviors.

Sixth: Implement the new, healthier behaviors.

Seventh: Monitor your progress with the new behaviors and seek feedback from others if you are relapsing into old "survival modes.''

Eighth: If you find yourself falling back into use of old survival behavior patterns, return to the first step and begin again.



Steps to tempering survival behaviors
Step 1: Use the Survival behavior self-assessment to identify if you are exhibiting any of these behaviors in your life.

If you ranked mild, moderate or severe levels of survivorship, continue on to Step 2 to temper these survival behaviors.

Step 2: Now that you know you have a problem with survival behaviors, answer the following questions in your journal.

A. How do these behaviors affect your ability to make and sustain healthy relationships with others?

B. What is the feedback you get from others concerning your attitudes and behaviors classified as survival behaviors?

C. How could your life be more productive if you ceased overuse of survival behaviors?

D. How has your work or school life suffered due to these behaviors?

E. How has your family and/or married life suffered due to these behaviors?

F. Who in your life did you lose as a result of these behaviors?

G. How many close friends do you have? What is the reason for the small number? How do these behaviors explain the small numbers?

H. What is the general cause of relationship failure in your life? How do these behaviors contribute to these failures?

I. How do you generally react to others when they display survival behaviors to you? What do you think and how do you feel when these behaviors come your way?

J. How committed are you to tempering the survival behaviors you rated 3 or higher on the inventory?

Step 3: Once you are committed to tempering your survival behaviors, then for each behavior rated 3 or higher do the following in your journal.

A. Identify the unhealthy, irrational, and non-reality-based thinking and feeling which is behind your exhibiting this behavior.

B. Identify new, healthy, rational, and reality based thinking and feeling which can help you to change this behavior.

C. Identify a new, healthier behavior to replace this old, non-healthy survival behavior.

Step 4: Once you have identified new, healthier behaviors to replace the old survival behaviors, then begin to put them into place one at a time. Don't try to change all of them at one time. The job is too great to do all at once.

Step 5: Give permission to people in your life to "call you on it'' when you resort to the old survival behaviors.

Step 6: If you find you are relapsing back to the survivorship model of behaviors, then return to Step 1 and begin again.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Morning Glory
You really gave me alot to devour here! Thank you so very much..this all looks absolutely wonderful
I hope that you did not have to type this all???
I love you in spirit whole big bunches, and appreciate you 5 times as much.