My mom.....

[2stop]

I moved my mom up here to live with us...well it hasn't worked, I told her she had a month to move..she left that weekend. I wanted to believe that hearing her words on the phone..she was bettre, she was as different a she claimed. She is very religious and i tend to believe she is trying. I have posted before how she ran me over in my driveway in TX..Well Last week she told me and my husband her car never touched me..I beat my own a**..and she was disgusted with me. Right now the tears are pouring......she has lost her mind!! She almost ran my daughter over....and now she treats my daughter like sh**. Said my house was in a shambles, I was this and I was that..told my husband in front of me well, you must have patience to have lived with my daughetr for 10 years....in the stores she atrated talking in tongues and said to the lady next to her "ain't that right?" OMG...why did I try to trust her again??? Why was I soooo stupid...I feel so betrayed, and just really angry. We were talking about hysterectomies and I was saying something about mine and she said "You had a hysterectomy?' god greif!!! She plays a sane woman to the public though...she's as crazy a ever and refuses to get any help. says God has healed her...I know she's sick...but I believ she knows what she is doing..she just refuses to accept her responsibilty to another human being. I am not surprised at her actions actually..why am I still so hurt, a sane person wouldn't have gone back for more of her crap....

We all go back Tammie. We love them and want it to work and give it another try thinking things will be different. We want to belong and a mother is very important to us. This is a real hurt for you that will take some time to let go of. We have to let go of the dream we had and the need we had that was never filled. Then we need to grieve the loss.

Don't own her bad behavior. It doesn't belong to you. It belongs to her. It is not a reflection of who you are. Don't use her as a mirror and believe that's what you look like.

We have to come to the point where we don't try to get what we never got from the same person who couldn't give it to us. We learn to receive those things from people who can give it to us.

You've been doing really well and there are a lot of people who care about you here. Use us as the mirror and learn to receive what we all have to offer you. You are a wonderful, brave, person. The strength that you have to keep going and keep trying is a real gift to others.

You're very special.

Hugs,
MG

[2stop]

Thank you mG..I hate to say this...I think I hate my mother. I don't like to hate. You know years ago I had counselors scream at me to not be codependent on my mother..I couldn't save her. It took years but I managed to have a safe distance...and now I have created a real mess for my kids too. They go to a church school. She bad mouths me to the church people. I was trying to discuss with her that I held different spiritual principles that included people didn't alienate them and she jumped on that..well you ARE USING the school!! Abd these people think you're an evil alien if you don't spend Sabbath from Fri evening to Sat evening sundown..antways the point is I am worried I amy have to pull them out if she starts to much trouble. The kids are doing well grade wise there, but I do have problems with the bigotry..I don't know I am just very hurt and angry and feel crazy like I used to...Time to regroup I guess. I don't know what I have left in me. Maybe I am in new growth territory? Maybe that's the "empty" out of fuel feeling I have? I just don't recognize a good thing when it happens? My husband told me earlier that I could handle a business deal next week "perfectly" I actually nutted up on him and told him that expecting perfect out of me is just plain wrong because I can't even be average! I feel so bad.. I mean he is probably thinking I AM crazy. he told me the other day "You are the most intelligent person I know..and this is what I see you do every day? (I was acting crazy) I don't know. My mom used to make us say this every day.
Good better best, never let them rest, until yourgood is better and you better is the best. This still plays in my head like a broken record. I shouldn't still be disturbed by this. Wel, I aM GOING TO DO LIKE YOU SAID..i NEED TO GRIEVE HER....she never was, never is, and never will be...

Start telling yourself good things Tammie. Every time you say something negative about yourself you need to counteract it with something positive. This was a huge trigger for you and maybe you fell back into some old patterns of dealing with it. Falling back is much different than where you use to be. You used to live in that state of surviving. Now you just revert back when you are triggered. You can pull yourself back up and get back to where you were. You know too much now to live there. Get your focus back to where it was. Take your focus off of your mother if you can. Maybe breaking all contact with her for awhile will help.

Focus on all the positive things you've done for yourself.

Hugs,
MG

[2stop]

I am going to go write a list right now!!

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Thanks for always knowing how to help!!!

[Mac]

Tammie - I am so sorry to hear that the situation with your mother is not improving. I know you want to see the good in her, and you want her to be good to you, and your kids. I cannot even imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. It seems impossible at times to fight the negative thoughts we have of ourselves...I hope you made your list...in fact, I need to make one of my own. Have you made it to any more meetings? Try to be around people that can help you lift yourself up, and try not to let your mom have too much free rent in your head. You MUST take care of you right now. (I need to take that advice myself!!!) Put one foot in front of the other, and just do the next thing that seems right. I'm here for you...I've still got your hand if you've got mine...we're in this together.

Mac

[2stop]

((((((Mac))))))) Thanks for the hand...you got mine? You better!LOL..God knows we need the support......I was thinking though this morning...what I really need is some ex-lax for the soul..purge all the crap right out!LOL...It is so hard to replace all the negative and sad thoughts but we gotta try.....I am trying real hard to be kind to myself....I am like a drill sergeant in my head....drop and give me 20 is one of the nicer things I tell myself!!!:p Hang in there, Mac..you need me just holler okay?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Big Warm Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Mac]

Tammie - If you find some ex-lax for the soul, you better share...I could sure use some too! With all this guilt and shame bouncing around in my head...it's no wonder a positive thought about myself rarely bubbles to the surface. Did you make yourself a list? I haven't put anything on paper, but I am conciously thinking about it, and even a little step forward is still a step forward. I know it sounds really silly, but I picture the Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smallie (spelling??) looking at himself in the mirror saying "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me." (not sure that's an exact quote) If you've ever seen it, you know what I am talking about, and it is corny as heck, but if it gets me on the right track...then I guess I need to be corny. If you can't get the drill sargeant to quiet down in your head, maybe you should consider going AWOL, haha. I know right where you're coming from with that, tho. No one can ever be harder on me than I already am. The Just For Today I posted for 11/14 had a good message about being grateful to be alive. Tomorrow I am going to try and focus on the the good things about me that I am grateful for. Will you make me a deal? How about we set a date next week and share our positive qualities with each other to help ourselves remember those qualities? If not, that's cool...just a thought.

I don't know if I will be on here the next few days, as I am going in for oral surgery tomorrow (ug!!) and am most nervous about the pain med they will give me. I am hoping to make it through on just advil as I really don't want to take anything heavier. I have never taken pain meds other than "as prescribed" but I think I am a little too close to the edge these days to take the chance. Plus, I started on the anti-depressant Lexapro on Monday, so my body is already trying to adjust to that med. I'll have to wait and see. If I need the pain med, I need it, but if I can get by without I would like to.

I hope you are doing well and finding some positive thoughts to throw in the mix.

Take care of yourself...Big Bear Hugs are flying your way...Mac



"A correct relationship to your self is primary, for from it flow all possible right relationships."

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((2stop)))
MG is right on the money with her post. we all want to believe, and hope. I am so sorry that this has happened and that you feel so let down.
It is not you..it is her.
Sending you big sisterly hugs and love...

[2stop]

Oh Mac and Sky, you guys are so kind to me, sometimes I don't know how to act when people are nice to me..it's like I know how to deal with mean and nasty.....I love you guys so much. You always know how to help. You are angels you know!! Right now I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders between the house not closing yet, no car to take the kids to school and it's COLD!! And I don't have my license anymore form severe panic attacks. I am just beating myself up so bad..I mUST quit doing that..Mac it's a date girl..we meet back here next week and share our positive qualities..Sky..wanna join us girl? (Love ya my sis) And Mac I am so sorry or the dental procedure you have to have, I know how miserable they are..I will pray for you that the pain is minimal.
Thanks again so much girls.....have a good day now ya hear? I am going to make that my goal too...to love life!!!!

[2stop]

I can't stop worrying about my mom tonight. Since I was very little I was always worried about her, how was she feeling? was she okay? Did I need to do something for her? how do I save her?.......I am trying to stay busy, think of something else...trying to put it all in perspective..it's like I can actually feel her pain...and I discount any pain I am feeling from the situation and just want to make her alright. I feel so stuck in this pattern....it is so unhealthy for me..I know that in my head..but my heart...my heart aches tonight...I want to cry but cannot. This too shall pass I know..I just want to break the cycle of feeling so bad about it all. Sometimes I think my heart will surely break from the pain.

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((2stop)))
I am reaching out to you with sisterly hugs in recovery. I am so sorry that you are feeling such an immense amount of pain in this. I truly do know what this feels like, a true broken heart.
This may sound silly to you, but recently, when I have been getting these pain attacks, I make a very conscious effort to open up spiritually and listen for guidance from God. This is probably just psycho theory, but I wonder if maybe these are the times that God is trying to get our attention? mine comes forth pronto every time. It's kind of like he says "Shari, pick yourself up, and dust yourself off, and look here and there, and what can you do to make this more bearable?"
I know, Im a goof, I have lots of little theories and ideas that I run through my head now and then.
I think maybe it is safe to compare the was that you are feeling about your mom is very similiar to the way I feel about my daughter. It is so very hard to know that we cannot help, or have a loving relationship, (something that we want desperately) with a family member. There are so many different avenues of pain and failure that this opens for us.
But, my sister, we need to keep telling ourselves that we cannot fix, change or love anyone else on our own. It takes two to do this. I know how dissappointing this is.
This is one of the things that goes into my "God Box." As I know in my heart that He is the only one who holds a chance to make a difference.
Love you bunches my sis, and I think that your mother would be so very proud and happy with a daughter such as yourself, if she could only see.

2stop,

I am really sorry you are hurting like this. We know how it feels. I've been through similar feelings with my son and my family. It's hard to let go. I wanted to fix our relationship so bad, but it couldn't be fixed the way I wanted it to be. I had to let go and let him find his way.

I think you're struggling with the "fix its" right now too. I think acceptance is where your peace is in this situation. The grief of letting that go hurts really bad, but it passes.

It's that little girl,s need to belong and be loved that you are holding onto. The fantasy that you developed so you could survive as a child. As long as you hang onto things like that you are letting all of your todays pass you by. Sometimes we have to accept that we are bankrupt before we can start receiving things in our life today.

You've come such a long way. Keep going.

Hugs,
MG

[2stop]

Thank you so much Sky and MG...you always know the right thing to say. I am feeling a bit better about it. And I am listening to what you both wrote..I know you understand..and I appreciate the tools you help me learn to cope with this. Love you guys so much.....((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) )))))))

[2stop]

Mac..you doing okay this weekend? Just checking on ya...hope you're alright. ((((hugs))))

[Mac]

2stop, thanx for checking in on me. The surgery went very smooth, but today I woke up feeling the worst I have felt so far. I tried to take Aleve at first, which didn't even touch the pain, so I have been wacked out on Vicodin for 2 days now. I don't like AT ALL how it makes my head feel, but it is taking care of the pain. I am also noticing my addict coming out, watching the clock until I can take another pill, even if I am feeling o.k., so that's making me nervous. I am not taking as much as I can (prescription says 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours, and I'm only taking 1, every 4 hours) so I guess that's good, but it makes me think of my other issue at the moment. I started taking Lexapro Monday, was given a starter pack with 10 mg pills, and was told to cut the pills in half and take the half dose for the first 4 days, which I did. What concerns me is that when I cut them, of course there was some little pieces (dust) that resulted, and with me being the addict that I am, certainly when it comes to something in a powder form, haha, I had to make sure I ingested every little bit of dust that was left. Now, I am taking the full pill, so I don't have to break them up anymore. However, because I am so bad about remembering to take any kind of medication (unless it's a pain pill apparently) I have the pill pack sitting here next to my computer, and I find myself staring at it thinking "if 1 pill will help, more pills would be even better" and I want to take another pill. I haven't yet, thankfully, and I plan on talking to my therapist about it, but it is scaring me!!!! I have never been into meds...in fact, always hate taking ANYTHING, even aspirin, Aleve, Advil, etc. but I can feel my addict attitude coming out. Thanx for listening...I feel better just getting it out.

I hope you are doing well...and finding your way out of the "stinkin thinkin." I wish I had something insightful to offer about your relationship with your mother. My mother gave up being a drug addict years ago and is now a sloppy drunk. When I was a teenager, I decided to move back to my dads (from Illinois to Colorado)because I couldn't deal anymore with her and her husbands alcoholism, and his beating her. She didn't want my help, and I couldn't watch it happen, so I left. It was probably the best decision of my life, and I still agree that the only way my mom and I maintain a decent relationship is because I live 1000 miles away from her and only talk to her every few weeks. I still worry about her all the time, sometimes become a downright wreck because of the life she is leading, but because of the miles between us (out of sight out of mind sometimes) I am able to keep a healthy emotional distance from her. Otherwise, I don't think I could cope. I feel your pain, your disappointment, and understand how hard it is to step back from it and put yourself first. You can't fix your mom, you can only fix you...and you are WORTH IT!!! When I posted my first message here, you and MG responded, and helped to lift me up. I see how supportive you are of other people who post here as well, and anyone that has that much love to share deserves only the best themselves.

Something silly that I do is use a dry erase marker to write messages to myself on my bathroom mirror. Right now it says "HALT" which is for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Anytime I feel any of those things, I need to stop and take care of it...take care of ME. I can't recover if I am feeling any of those things. I am also trying REALLY hard to do what the 12 step programs say, which is to "Let Go." The harder I try to hang on to all of the things that bother me, the more messed up my head becomes. I can't say I am doing well with letting go, as it's probably the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. One of my friends carries a white cloth in his pocket every day, and whenever he finds himself facing a difficult situation, or negative thoughts, he stops, puts his hand on his "white flag" and prays. I am thinking of doing the same thing. Anything to help me get through the tough times, you know??

Geez, I have gone on enough. Can you tell I'm doing nothing today? Just sitting here typing away. I think I'll go lay back down now. My head is really squirrely...just want this to be over with!

Take care of yourself, you DESERVE it!!!

Love ya,

Mac

[2stop]

(((Mac))) Hey girl....glad the surgery went okay, but so sorry you are feeling rotten today. be careful with those vicodins..I could relate to everything you wrote. I am praying for you. Thanks for sharing with me about your mom and ya alls relationship. It's so nice to have ya all..and you understand it all..means a lot to me.
I like what you do with the HALT reminders on the mirror. I might try that! Well, hang in there okay? Will talk with ya later!

[2stop]

Today the pain over my mother does not seem so crazy....as RAW, she called the kids school and told the teacher to tell the kids she loved them. The kids were cynical about it, they have seen too many stunts of hers to believe anything she says. The teacher was questioning my kids about why my mom moved out....my son said..Mom, I just told him that you two didn't get along. I wish they didn't have to deal with all this. My daughter goes back and forth between being angry at her..and yelling at me that I caused all this.. It makes me sad. But I think I am making progress. The raw pain seems like I can work through it better than the "crazy" pain. Thanks for listening guys....(((Hugs)))

[dotcom]

dear 2stop
i will be praying for your situation. no one should have to go through such a horrible situation like that! just dont get too down on yourself, im sure you made the best decision for YOU. and thats what is important. and of course you love your mom! even though things arent the way you probably wish them to be, you know she loves you too. but if she refuses to get help, theres nothing you can do about it but get rid of the anger and try and move on. im sorry if my advice wasnt right on the mark, i hope i was of some encouragement though! its my 10 months and im celebrating by being on the internet all day....hahahahhahah...

[2stop]

{{{dotcom}}} You are a great encouragement to me, my friend!! And your 10 months of sobriety inspires me, it really does. Thanks for the reply..and I hope you have a really great evening planned..you deserve it. If I was closer I would take you out to dinner and a movie or something.
(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))
:star

[dotcom]

thanx 2stop! i had a great evening last night. after work, i went to see the movie elf with my fam. it was such a good movie! your in my prayers!!!!!!!!!

[Anna]

I'm sorry I missed this post. I didn't realize that things had gone that far with your mother. I know how optimistic you were about things working out when you were planning to bring her to live with you. It sounded like a good idea. But, for your sake my friend, you have to let go of your mother. You may have to accept that the relationship will never be what you wanted it to be. You may have to grieve over the loss. But, for your sake, you need to begin to believe that it's not going to work. You are far too precious to put yourself in such a situation. If your mother causes you pain, then you must distance yourself somewhat to take care of you.

Hugs and love,
Anna

[2stop]

Thank you Anna..today I am having a hard time distancing my emotions. It's like I can feel her pain, and I just want to make her happy. The sadness is soooo painful! Yikes!! I am working hard on owning my own feelings...no one elses. It's a vicious cycle to break, but I am determined to find a peaceful way to live. I feel that some days I cannot take anymore heartache. but I will be okay, feelings are legit but not usually a fact of what is actually happening.

Que sera sera..what will be will be is my motto today.

Thanks for the encouragement Anna. God bless you my friend.

(((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

[2stop]

Just as I knew she would, my mother has started trouble at school for my kids. The teacher keeps taking my son aside and asking him all kinds of things and even TELLING him IS he lying about his gramma? Andsaying well, Are you sure your mom will get baptized? I don't think she will.....I am so PISSED right now...just because she can quote Bible verses all day and talk about God and shunning the devil she thinks she and the teacher are the moral authority. My poor son is afraid I will mention all this to the teacher...How can I not? He is interfering on personal AND spiritual matters, I am hurt and angry and sad today and I want to go smack my mother upside her head. This after spending all weeek worrying that SHE feels lonely and left out. Obviously she is tooo busy stirring up trouble. Damn it why did I do this to myself and my family????????????????????? I am pissed at myself for bringing her up here. She doesn't appreciate me getting her closer to her grandkids, hell no!!! Sorry had to vent I am about to blow a fuse or two.

((Hugs ya all))

I think I would be very calm and just tell the teacher that your son told you the teacher had some questions he wanted to ask you. Then ask him if he has any questions.

I don't think I would go in defensive.

There is not much you can do about your mother unless it gets bad enough to get a restraining order. Also if she is not on their card as an emergency contact it doesn't seem that they can talk to her or give her any personal information. You have a right to confidentiality.

Keep working on acceptance and letting go. I know how much it must hurt.

Sending hugs,
MG