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Old 03-06-2011, 01:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Feeling like you did something "wrong"

Just wondering whether anyone else out there has experienced this...I guess if I had to put my particular anxiety problem into a category it would be agoraphobia. I stopped drinking a few days ago so I decided to take a bus to my favorite Chinese bakery this afternoon - without Xanax. As sort of a reward/challenge. I had a couple bad moments on the bus where I felt like I might start laughing hysterically, but I had given myself permission to get off and walk if I really had to.

So long story short - I got my steamed buns, walked around a bit and then took the bus back home. I should have been proud of myself, but instead I felt vaguely detached from the experience and haunted by a feeling of almost...guilt. A feeling like I had somehow done something wrong. I don't know how anyone takes a bus 'wrong', but this is clearly illogical, as Spock would say.

It reminds me of a woman I saw on TV who had to park her car a zillion times to feel like she'd done it 'right'. I'm starting to think that maybe it was just the adrenaline and other hormones in my system that were telling my body 'something's wrong' and my brain was listening. Maybe that's why I wasn't able to see it as a victory. It's kind of a shame, because it was pretty significant for me...damn brain chemicals.
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Old 03-09-2011, 02:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It sounds like you became dissociated in the situation. Have you heard of it? If not google it, it's very common with social anxiety. Parking your car a zillion times seems like OCD, but that's a different thing.

Maybe you expected to feel differently about your experience at the bakery and when it was neither pleasant or gratifying as an accomplishment nor uncomfortable, it felt like it went "wrong". Or maybe the wrong part on the bus was because it didn't go wrong and that started to make you feel nervous? Maybe you're worried that there isn't anything wrong with you, I mean you handled it like anyone else would without needing Xanax. I'd do it again, because now you know you can, this time you don't have to think about it!
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Old 03-10-2011, 08:40 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Can i first say that i dont think you suffer from agoraphobia if you were able to leave the house, get the bus and go to the shops. I would say you have more a social phobia.

Like Presstoe said, "maybe you expected to feel differently about your experience at the bakery and when it was neither pleasant or gratifying as an accomplishment nor uncomfortable".
I know that one time i found a phone and to be nice i rang the owners mum (got no. out of contacts). I met up with the lad and retured his phone. He wasnt one bit thankful and i was expecting someone to be really thankful. Because if felt like my niceness didnt get apprichated. I know this is a completely different situation then anxiety but you get what i mean - the reward for me doing it wasnt there
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Old 03-10-2011, 10:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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@Presstoe - You're absolutely right - I was dissociating. I do that a lot. Sometimes I have the feeling that my hands and feet aren't my own, which is kind of disturbing. I think that maybe I pushed myself too hard that day - I think it was day 3 without a drink or something. I've been pushing myself to go out for walks at night (the dark feels safer) and last night I had a bit of a breakthrough. Usually when I see someone walking down the street towards me a big 'wall' comes down over my energy and I feel like my body is going to freeze. I have to use all sorts of tricks to distract myself from that feeling, like naming the colours of objects, imagining that the air is water, etc. Last night I was able to walk by several people without feeling that wall come down - and it was like a bloody miracle to me. I was able to feel happy about that!

@cheekyangel - I don't know whether to call what's wrong with me agoraphobia or social phobia or what. I'm really reluctant to call it social phobia, because people then try to reassure me that I'm a good person and should just be myself, etc. I know all that, and I don't have a huge problem with my self image or think that I'm less worthy than other people. I just have panic attacks when I'm required to open my mouth and speak to people. The anxiety on the bus doesn't come from being around strangers - it comes from the fear that I'll see someone I know and have to talk to them...trapped in a space that I can't escape from. Why is this what sets me off? I don't know. All I know is that drinking makes it way worse.
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Old 03-10-2011, 10:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I've been pushing myself to go out for walks at night (the dark feels safer) and last night I had a bit of a breakthrough. Usually when I see someone walking down the street towards me a big 'wall' comes down over my energy and I feel like my body is going to freeze. I have to use all sorts of tricks to distract myself from that feeling, like naming the colours of objects, imagining that the air is water, etc. Last night I was able to walk by several people without feeling that wall come down - and it was like a bloody miracle to me. I was able to feel happy about that!
Yeah, I feel better about everything at night... I like walking in the early morning, like when no ones out, after i have been up all night. But staying up all night is bad when you have to be places during the day. I had an episode of exhaustion today, my heart was racing, my body was screaming for sleep and then I started throwing up. i was at work with 4 kids of top of it... then I came home and took a 5 hours nap, the cycle starts again.

I'm really glad you were about to be happy about walking and not feeling "the wall"- keep doing it! See, maybe you didn't overthink what to expect? Just keep trying, it sounds like your doing GRRREAT!!!
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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See, maybe you didn't overthink what to expect?
I think you've got something there. I have a tendency to rehearse things in my mind, which is not helpful when you're dealing with the real world and real emotions.

So did you throw up just cause you were tired? I've felt nauseous from lack of sleep but I never actually threw up. And yes - I used to love staying up til dawn. There's something about that weird light at 6:00 in the morning...
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Old 03-12-2011, 06:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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@cheekyangel - I don't know whether to call what's wrong with me agoraphobia or social phobia or what. I'm really reluctant to call it social phobia, because people then try to reassure me that I'm a good person and should just be myself, etc. I know all that, and I don't have a huge problem with my self image or think that I'm less worthy than other people. I just have panic attacks when I'm required to open my mouth and speak to people. The anxiety on the bus doesn't come from being around strangers - it comes from the fear that I'll see someone I know and have to talk to them...trapped in a space that I can't escape from. Why is this what sets me off? I don't know. All I know is that drinking makes it way worse.
I too suffer from severe anxiety. The anxiety is a huge hurdle that i cant jump so i understand the difficulty it brings. I suffer social anxiety due to erethrophobia. It is sooo dis-ableing.

With social anxiety...for me i would feel better to be around a group of people i dont know then a group i do. I know that there are alot of people with social anxiety that feel this way to. I think its because i cant really be judged and with people i know...i can.

Have you ever talked to your doctor about the anxiety? Or a theripst/counsellor? It can be very difficult to manage anxiety/panic attacks on your own...as i know all too well.
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Old 03-12-2011, 11:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I had to look up erethrophobia! My most visible symptom is that my face starts to twitch, especially around the left side of my mouth.

I also feel more comfortable around people I don't know - and in groups. That's why I picked that particular bakery - the people behind the counter are not interested in small talk! I've actually avoided certain restaurants because the owner was described in reviews as friendly and chatty. The worst would be sitting across a table one on one over coffee or dinner or something, so as you can imagine I haven't had much of a social life for the past few years.

I think that some of my problems stem from past traumas - I learned pretty early on how to hold my face and body very still so that people wouldn't be able to tell what I'm feeling. Now I can't seem to unlearn it. I'm aware of the fact that it's a bit creepy to talk to someone with a totally blank expression, but the minute I try to move or laugh or say something that takes more than 3 seconds to get out I start to panic.

The worst thing about this is that on the very rare occasion when I do meet someone I know unexpectedly and I'm not drunk or on Xanax, I totally freeze and I know I'm sending the message 'I don't want to be having this conversation right now and I want to get away from you.' I cannot tell you how guilty that makes me feel. They don't know what's going on - and they don't know that they've never seen me sober. There have been times I've wished that I could be drunk all the time, and there are times when I actually have been drunk all the time. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life dealing with things in entirely the wrong way.

I have taken the steps to get help with this - although my doctor doesn't seem all that interested. Our appointments have always been under 5 minutes and I've seen him 3 times in total, because I just moved here last year. He wrote me a referral to a psychiatrist, but I was put on a waiting list and was still on it after 3 months so I took matters into my own hands and found a private therapist. She's great, but I can only afford to see her twice a month.

I also made an appointment for intake to see a therapist that specializes in alcohol addiction, but that waiting list is also at least 3 months and I won't be in this city anymore by that time (I'm moving). I've started to check out resources in the city I'm moving to, and there's some stuff that looks hopeful. Are you in therapy?

If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't be bothered by your blushing - I'm a pretty sympathetic person. The problem is that there's some reptilian part of the brain that asks 'Do I trust this person to be compassionate?' With an anxiety disorder, the automatic answer is no. It's like the part of the brain that's supposed to make that judgment has blown a fuse.
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Old 03-14-2011, 10:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I think you've got something there. I have a tendency to rehearse things in my mind, which is not helpful when you're dealing with the real world and real emotions.

So did you throw up just cause you were tired? I've felt nauseous from lack of sleep but I never actually threw up. And yes - I used to love staying up til dawn. There's something about that weird light at 6:00 in the morning...
Yeah, I would be really tired and friends of mine commented that it hits me harder than them when I get exhausted. I have a lot of anxiety too, I saw the Dr. on Friday and I'm back on Cymbalta which made the weekend like a 2 day sleep in. I'm doing ok and the nausea left with the nerves. I have been feeling better but just cloudy and tired, it'll pass when I get used to the meds.

I don't have much energy to pop around online right now so have a good night and keep working hard a little at a time!

XOXOXO Be well and don't think too hard sweets!
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:18 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I've actually avoided certain restaurants because the owner was described in reviews as friendly and chatty.
Ha i had to giggle a little at that, but i completely understand the logic behind it. I would do the same thing after reading that repot! It awful to have to feel like this. Avoid things we would actully enjoy. Because there is no enjoyment in anxiety, its not an option for people like us.
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I'm aware of the fact that it's a bit creepy to talk to someone with a totally blank expression
Have you ever tried practising in the morror. Some people, even without anxiety, look at different expressions and learn them off. It may sound silly but you should give it a go. I know when i walking down the road, i feel like my face i 'stuck'. I feel i look like im either depressed or angry!
This applies to people who dont have anxiety disorders too. I know my friend and i were disgussing this same topic recently. She is a confident person and she says she doesnt know what face to pull so she always has a chewing gum. I tried her idea, i was very effective but now i feel like my eyes look funny!!!
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I'm sending the message 'I don't want to be having this conversation right now and I want to get away from you.' I cannot tell you how guilty that makes me feel.
You do not have to tell me because i already know! I have the smallest of chit-chat, and then i say "right, sure ill let you go" and thats that. I wouldnt worry about what they think about you or the conversation (however little) you had. The main thing is, you stopped and said hello.
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I have taken the steps to get help with this - although my doctor doesn't seem all that interested.
If you dont think your doc is intrested i suggest you ake him interested or else its time to take your buisness else where!!
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I took matters into my own hands and found a private therapist. She's great, but I can only afford to see her twice a month.
Have you looked up low cost counselling. I know where i live there is low-cost. Also for children, full time students, pensioners and unemployed there is more a reduced rate. So places you only throw them what you can afford. I have a friend going every week to somebody and she only throws her a 10er. Check it out if you want to see somebody more frequently.
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Are you in therapy?
Well, i have been in therapy 3 times, with no joy unfortunatly. I have come to my own conclusion that i need to get off drugs. So at present i am in addiction counselling (and its free). I have been on any anti-depressants but none of them helped the anxiety. I am being refered to a Psychairtrist soon thought to discuss medication options. Xanax at the moment i am taking twice a week (roughly). I dont like to have to take it but i allows me to do things, such as volunteering. I want to go back to college. I have applied but im afraid i will become dependant on Xanax. I will just have to not allow that to happen.

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Old 03-23-2011, 11:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Have you ever tried practising in the morror. Some people, even without anxiety, look at different expressions and learn them off. It may sound silly but you should give it a go. I know when i walking down the road, i feel like my face i 'stuck'. I feel i look like im either depressed or angry!
Yeahhhh...me too. I've had people point it out to me actually. Sometimes I'll be walking down the street feeling perfectly all right and I'll catch a glimpse of my reflection - it looks like I'm walking around with a cartoon thundercloud above my head. I really can't figure out why my face is such an inaccurate reflection of what I'm feeling. No, I've never tried practicing in the mirror - mainly because I know I'm a sh*tty actress, but I will give it a go.

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She is a confident person and she says she doesnt know what face to pull so she always has a chewing gum.
That is HILARIOUS. I absolutely never leave the house without a piece of bubblegum. It's true that it gives your face something to do!

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I tried her idea, i was very effective but now i feel like my eyes look funny!!!
Well, until recently I never left the house without gum and...sunglasses. But then I started to feel like I was walking funny. Eventually I decided that I'd better just learn to take the sunglasses off once in a while.

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The main thing is, you stopped and said hello.
I...don't think I'm there quite yet (being able to chit chat I mean). The anxiety has decreased quite a lot since I stopped drinking every day, but it's still early days.

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If you dont think your doc is intrested i suggest you ake him interested or else its time to take your buisness else where!!
I agree wholeheartedly - and I'm moving soon so I'll have to get a new Dr anyway.

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Have you looked up low cost counselling.
There's not much of that around here - the few that are available have waiting lists that are at least 3 months long. I did manage to get in to see someone from addiction services though. She got me in faster because I'm moving.

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Well, i have been in therapy 3 times, with no joy unfortunatly.
I've also been to a couple of therapists that weren't much help. The problem is that most of them believed that I hated myself or my life or that I needed to talk about my past traumas. None of that did any good because this panic thing is really just like a knee jerk reaction for me. My current therapist actually listens to me when I tell her this, which is nice. I also discovered Claire Weekes, who wrote a couple of books on nervous conditions. She really takes a different approach to the subject - she doesn't recommend trying to talk yourself out of it or fighting it, because that just causes more panic. You have to acknowledge that you're ill and that it'll take time and practice to get better. It is extremely difficult to allow yourself to let go of frustration...but it's also extremely necessary. I'm workin' on it.

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I have been on any anti-depressants but none of them helped the anxiety.
Ditto. I've come to the conclusion that a lot of Drs just chuck random stuff at your brain and hope it works.

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I want to go back to college. I have applied but im afraid i will become dependant on Xanax. I will just have to not allow that to happen.
Thumbs up with the college thing! You can do it - I didn't think I could do it either, but I made it through all right.
Are you worried about becoming dependent or addicted? With my own situation, I was never worried about becoming physically or psychologically addicted to the stuff. I keep my dose down because I don't like taking it. It's a pain in the ass to be that tired during the day when you have sh*t to do. I do rely on it for a sense of safety though, which could be considered dependence. I'm hoping that will change after a couple months of not drinking...
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Old 03-25-2011, 08:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yeahhhh...me too. I've had people point it out to me actually. Sometimes I'll be walking down the street feeling perfectly all right and I'll catch a glimpse of my reflection - it looks like I'm walking around with a cartoon thundercloud above my head. I really can't figure out why my face is such an inaccurate reflection of what I'm feeling.
I have had it pointed out to me too. This only makes me more paronoid, thinking im not just imagining it! I was in the gym a while ago and when on the treadmil theres a mirror in front of you. I was observing myself, how i walk etc. I didnt feel like i looked bad. But as soon as the mirror is taken away from me...thats it back to paronoia!!!

Also what helps for me personally is if i am holding something like a bottle of water in my hands, just so i can use a distraction (distraction is not the right word but i cant think of what the word is !!). I feel it balances me out or something ha!!

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Well, until recently I never left the house without gum and...sunglasses.
I cant wear sunnies...my head is to small ha! I look out of porportion!!! I wish i could though, but then id become dependant on them haha !!

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I've also been to a couple of therapists that weren't much help. The problem is that most of them believed that I hated myself or my life or that I needed to talk about my past traumas. None of that did any good because this panic thing is really just like a knee jerk reaction for me.
I know what you mean by having to go over the past again and again...but you know there might be something you missed and having to talk about it again may bring up a repressed memory that may help you to mave on with anxiety. I know some of our anxieites stem from our childhood (or lack of!), and a memory may be holding you back that you may be unconcious of.
But the past is not the present and the present is where you are finding it difficult to cope now?

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...Are you worried about becoming dependent or addicted?
...It's a pain in the ass to be that tired during the day when you have sh*t to do.
...I do rely on it for a sense of safety though, which could be considered dependence. I'm hoping that will change after a couple months of not drinking
I went to my doctor today to renew my pescription for xanax. My next step is a psychairtrist. I dont want to be on meds but im not letting anxiety beat me. Im going to keep trying every option that is available to me...

I am already slightly dependant to xanax. I use it roughly 2ce a week to go volunteering. Without them, i couldnt attend. But if i get back into college there is a possibility i may take them mon-fri. I will try not take any going in the first day, so i will have less of a chance taking then the second day, and everyday after that too. I think if i take them once it may leave me taking them twice and so on.
So i worry about both, denendancy and addiction...

I dont mind the tiredness because i can get through events. I feel when i do something i would not usually do because of the anxiety i am pleased, but sad i had to take xanax.


How long you sober? Well done, keep at it. It can only get better for you...

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Old 03-26-2011, 11:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I know what you mean by having to go over the past again and again...but you know there might be something you missed and having to talk about it again may bring up a repressed memory that may help you to mave on with anxiety. I know some of our anxieites stem from our childhood (or lack of!), and a memory may be holding you back that you may be unconcious of.
But the past is not the present and the present is where you are finding it difficult to cope now?
Well, I know that the things I went through growing up definitely contributed to the state I'm in now, but I guess I'm just at a point where I want to accept my past and move on with the present. It seems kind of pointless to sit around asking yourself 'how did I get here?' when the question I really want the answer to is 'how do I get out of here?'

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I am already slightly dependant to xanax. I use it roughly 2ce a week to go volunteering. Without them, i couldnt attend. But if i get back into college there is a possibility i may take them mon-fri. I will try not take any going in the first day, so i will have less of a chance taking then the second day, and everyday after that too. I think if i take them once it may leave me taking them twice and so on.
So i worry about both, denendancy and addiction...
I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you about my own experience.
The first day of college I was petrified, but I hadn't been prescribed Xanax yet so I didn't have the option of taking any. After around a week or two I just got used to being there and the anxiety diminished. I think that exposure to a situation desensitizes you after a while, so if you can stick it out for the first bit you'll be better off.
I only tried taking Xanax on a regular basis once - for a month - someone told me that it would be more effective if I took it daily. I was taking either 0.25 or 0.5 mg (can't remember) morning and night. It wasn't helping as much as I thought it would so I went off it, and I had around 2 1/2 weeks of withdrawal even from that relatively low dose. You have to be really careful with that stuff.

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I dont mind the tiredness because i can get through events. I feel when i do something i would not usually do because of the anxiety i am pleased, but sad i had to take xanax.
Yeah - I hear you. I also find that it's difficult to plan around it. It doesn't allow for much spontaneity in life if you have to plan everything around taking a pill.

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How long you sober? Well done, keep at it. It can only get better for you...
I've been sober around 3 1/2 weeks now. That's the longest I've gone without a drink in about 5 years. I know it will get better - it already has.
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:29 PM   #14 (permalink)
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the question I really want the answer to is 'how do I get out of here?'
Oh no, dont get me wrong, i agree 110% and i think if you can get a counsellor/theripst thats thinks this way too, thats great!

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I think that exposure to a situation desensitizes you after a while, so if you can stick it out for the first bit you'll be better off.
Oh yeah, it defintely does. The longer you are anxious in a situation, the lesser it becomes.
However, i hate to say that because i have erythrophobia, my anxiety levels are constantly highering and lowering. I will get mini panic attacks everytime a speaker makes eye contact with me, if somebody beside make speaks, if something is said that i am uncomfortable with etc etc etc...
So for me personally it will never go. Plus if i have a blushing attack i will be more anxious going to that same place again and the level of anxiety only gets higher and higher everytime i have a blushing attack (erythrophobia, its kinda difficult to explain).

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I was taking either 0.25 or 0.5 mg (can't remember) morning and night.
The xanax for me, i would never need to take it alone. It would only be if i was going somewhere with people.

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It doesn't allow for much spontaneity in life if you have to plan everything around taking a pill.
I couldnt agree with you more, however without 'the pill' there is no spontaineily for me. I know that there are many people (and i think i will be one of them) who never beat anxiety disorders, so if taking a pill allows me to live some kind of life then i sad to say it maybe my only option (i really hope not and i will take every route available to me).

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I've been sober around 3 1/2 weeks now. That's the longest I've gone without a drink in about 5 years. I know it will get better - it already has.
That is great, i mean it! I hope some day i will be able to say the same thing!!
If you dont mind me asking, what made you ant to stop drinking? Were you physically addicted? Psycholocially addicted/dependant? Or were you medicating the anxiety with it?? Or simply want to give it up?

Hope you are having a nice weekend...
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Old 03-27-2011, 12:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Oh yeah, it defintely does. The longer you are anxious in a situation, the lesser it becomes.
However, i hate to say that because i have erythrophobia, my anxiety levels are constantly highering and lowering. I will get mini panic attacks everytime a speaker makes eye contact with me, if somebody beside make speaks, if something is said that i am uncomfortable with etc etc etc...
So for me personally it will never go. Plus if i have a blushing attack i will be more anxious going to that same place again and the level of anxiety only gets higher and higher everytime i have a blushing attack (erythrophobia, its kinda difficult to explain).
No, you don't have to explain - I totally get it. I have visible symptoms too - my face twitches. I have twitchophobia I suppose. I have the same thing happen when someone makes eye contact with me. Believe it or not, it has also happened when I'm watching TV when someone is looking directly at the camera. It makes no sense.

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I couldnt agree with you more, however without 'the pill' there is no spontaineily for me. I know that there are many people (and i think i will be one of them) who never beat anxiety disorders, so if taking a pill allows me to live some kind of life then i sad to say it maybe my only option (i really hope not and i will take every route available to me).
I don't know how old you are, but I have a feeling that you are too young to say 'never'. Try not to stress out too much about the rest of your life and just deal with now. Things can change so much in just a few years.

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That is great, i mean it! I hope some day i will be able to say the same thing!!
If you dont mind me asking, what made you ant to stop drinking? Were you physically addicted? Psycholocially addicted/dependant? Or were you medicating the anxiety with it?? Or simply want to give it up?
I'm definitely an alcoholic - physically and psychologically addicted. I made the decision to quit because it was making the anxiety completely unmanageable, I never got enough sleep, and I was getting sick. Everything I ate went straight through me, and I usually couldn't eat much during the day because it made the stomach cramps worse. I spent all day obsessing about when I'd be able to drink next, and I've had a couple of periods where I've been a morning/all day drinker. Pretty miserable state to be in.

You mentioned that you thought you should stop doing drugs in an earlier post. Were you just talking about Xanax or are there other things?
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Old 03-30-2011, 04:25 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Believe it or not, it has also happened when I'm watching TV when someone is looking directly at the camera. It makes no sense.
No way i didnt know that that could happen. I would sometimes get paro that people are looking and listening to me when im even on my own. I have to admit that sometimes i think there is a camera in my room, and also i think with my webcam, somebody is looking at me. But i think thats just me being paro ha!! I think having anxiety disorders can make us really paro people, especilly when you mix addiction into things!! I also sometimes feel that people are directing things at me, like things people say or do. Also something that can trigger anxiety for me is, i can think people will be able to know who i am for ex. on the site. I am an extremely paro person...and i obsess about things ALOT. One tiny thing can occupy my mind and there is no getting rid of the thought and it can be extremely distressful.

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I don't know how old you are, but I have a feeling that you are too young to say 'never'. Try not to stress out too much about the rest of your life and just deal with now. Things can change so much in just a few years.
I do try to remain positive. It is hard tho, because it can make you feel defeated, but however defeated i feel, i will never stop looking for that 'magic cure'. I do hope and its the best i can do at the moment ya no? I have so much ambition that i will try not settle for this (anxiety voice inside me makes me think its like this for life, but i am trying to overide it!)

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I made the decision to quit because it was making the anxiety completely unmanageable
So you suffered from anxiety before your drinking problem began? Only asking because i am trying to gain a deeper understanding of where i might be heading with my behaviours. Good tho, you were able to get a view on the ways things would be better for you if you gave up, and then putting that view into action. Action is always the hard part, but you have done it and i hope continue doing so...

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I spent all day obsessing about when I'd be able to drink next, and I've had a couple of periods where I've been a morning/all day drinker.
Well it is good now that you are in recovery and things are improving for you. My drinking patterns do not involve thinking about drinking. It only happens when i have to go out to a group of people. I will drink to escape the anxities. but i know this in the long run will make things only more difficult for me and i am aware of where i may be headed with alcohol.

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You mentioned that you thought you should stop doing drugs in an earlier post. Were you just talking about Xanax or are there other things?
Oh no, other things too. I know drink is a drug but right now i do not have the strenght or will-power to stop drinking. I do plan to at some point. I dunno when yet. I am not physically addicted to alcohol, but i am psychologically dependant on it for a lot of things.
I have given up drugs. Well i have only been off them 10days (one weekend) and hope there will be many more days where that came from. Every time a weekend approaches it scares me tho, as it is another time i have to be strong.
I still take xanax, this is because if i didnt have them i wouldnt be able to do anything. I do nothing already and the little i do, xanax allows me to do it. As much as i hate to say that, thats the way it is for me right now (right now being the main words!).
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:02 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I have to admit that sometimes i think there is a camera in my room, and also i think with my webcam, somebody is looking at me.
Yeah, I have a thing with cameras too. I don't have a webcam, but if I did I'm sure I'd think someone was looking at me through it. I remember being suspicious of a distant red light during one of my 'drunk in the morning' phases. Christmas lights. Even when I saw what it was with my own two eyes, they still bothered me. I was paranoid about all sorts of things back then. Since I've stopped drinking those thoughts have definitely become less intrusive.

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IAlso something that can trigger anxiety for me is, i can think people will be able to know who i am for ex. on the site.
Yep. I'm very careful not to post any info that might identify me. It's legit in a way, but I'm probably more paranoid than the average person on this site. There's NO WAY I'd post my pic in my avatar.

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I do try to remain positive. It is hard tho, because it can make you feel defeated, but however defeated i feel, i will never stop looking for that 'magic cure'. I do hope and its the best i can do at the moment ya no? I have so much ambition that i will try not settle for this (anxiety voice inside me makes me think its like this for life, but i am trying to overide it!)
I'm ambitious too, but I have to stop trying to fight it or stuff it down if I want to get over this. I have to allow myself to panic in public and be OK with it, otherwise the list of things I need to avoid is going to keep getting bigger. Easier said than done, I know.

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So you suffered from anxiety before your drinking problem began? Only asking because i am trying to gain a deeper understanding of where i might be heading with my behaviours.
Yeah - my problems started when I was around 14. I had a really chaotic home life and I developed insomnia. One of the reasons I had problems sleeping was that I was convinced that I was going to have a brain embolism, which I now recognize as a classic symptom of panic attacks. I didn't really start drinking heavily until 19, but I developed an eating disorder at 17. I spent a couple years in my early 20s where I basically made a career out of vomiting. That stayed with me until I was 23, at which point I gave up alcohol and pot for a while (I used to be a total pothead), and started to recover from the ed. I was doing all right because I went travelling and lived in a youth hostel for a few months so I was pretty much forced to be around people 24/7. I became a lot less self conscious and even felt like I was likeable - I didn't obsess about every little thing that came out of my mouth.

The next period was a little bit weird. I was doing pretty damn well as far as the anxiety was concerned. I was involved in the arts and I did things that I can't imagine doing today - being on stage, interviewed for tv, radio, etc. All without Xanax. However, I was a starving artist and had a lot of financial instability, and instability as far as housing was concerned...I was kind of couch surfing for a while. I think it was then that I started to drink more, and then a panic attack hit me while I was talking to a friend. It had never happened to me just talking one on one with someone, and it freaked me out. I was terrified it would happen again and it did. I didn't know what to do about it.

Around a year later, I had moved to go to college, and broke off my involvement with a guy that had made my life a living hell. I was under a lot of stress, and was drinking a ton because my upstairs neighbours were keeping me up at all night long (drug dealers). This is when things really started to fall apart. I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown...I couldn't stand anyone looking at me, I thought my cat might be an alien spy, I peed the bed once, etc.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to get my ass out of that apartment by any means necessary, and take the money I was spending on alcohol and put it towards counselling. I didn't do that, so the drinking got worse and the anxiety got worse.

If I could give you one piece of advice it would be to stay away from alcohol. You might not be a full on alcoholic, but who cares? It definitely effects anxiety levels, and that's all you really need to know.
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Old 04-05-2011, 09:15 AM   #18 (permalink)
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First of all sorry fo keep having late replies. And id say people think were paronoid freeks ha if they read all our weird paronoias'!!! Between cameras and christmas lights!!!

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....stop trying to fight it or stuff it down
....allow myself to panic in public and be OK with it
They are two things that i agree is most definitely a key into beating it, if it will be beaten. Im glad you are trying to keep improving your situation, thats good. I was given good advice by someone, "why not do something once a day the produces anxiety?". I think i am going to begin doing this as it cant do me any harm (only anxiety wise ha! but better in the long run for anxiety)

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If I could give you one piece of advice it would be to stay away from alcohol. You might not be a full on alcoholic, but who cares? It definitely effects anxiety levels, and that's all you really need to know.
I agree i need to stay away from alcohol. On friday night (wasnt on drugs) but i went a bit psycho. I was drinking spirits which i gave up awhile ago due to blackouts, but on friday becoz i wasnt doing drugs i wanted to get hammered so drank spirits and not only did i do some crazy thing, i discovered i was turning into my mother (a physical & emotional abusive alcoholic). I brought that concern up with my addiction counsellor today and it is an area i will be working on. I dont want to give up drink (who does?!!) but i know at some point it is something i have to do for myself (anxiety and anger). It will help me when i chose to give it up, but it scares me. Scares me due to the lack of social life i will have. Coz i dont have much of a social life anyway. But none of my friends will ever understand the effects alcohol has on me so screw them...

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Old 04-06-2011, 10:53 AM   #19 (permalink)
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They are two things that i agree is most definitely a key into beating it, if it will be beaten. Im glad you are trying to keep improving your situation, thats good. I was given good advice by someone, "why not do something once a day the produces anxiety?". I think i am going to begin doing this as it cant do me any harm (only anxiety wise ha! but better in the long run for anxiety)
Yeah - I agree with that. The biggest thing for me is figuring out what is scary, but not so scary that I won't be able to handle it. Today I'm going to make a bunch of phone calls. If I freak out there really aren't any consequences other than embarrassment in front of strangers who I may never talk to again, so I think I can handle that.

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I agree i need to stay away from alcohol. On friday night (wasnt on drugs) but i went a bit psycho. I was drinking spirits which i gave up awhile ago due to blackouts, but on friday becoz i wasnt doing drugs i wanted to get hammered so drank spirits and not only did i do some crazy thing, i discovered i was turning into my mother (a physical & emotional abusive alcoholic).
Eek - well, there's another thing we have in common. My Mom had some serious issues when I was growing up. Oddly enough, I don't become abusive when I'm drinking, but my boundaries get really screwed up. I end up getting abused instead...and doing stupid sh*t like sleeping with random people.

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I dont want to give up drink (who does?!!) but i know at some point it is something i have to do for myself (anxiety and anger). It will help me when i chose to give it up, but it scares me. Scares me due to the lack of social life i will have. Coz i dont have much of a social life anyway. But none of my friends will ever understand the effects alcohol has on me so screw them...
It scared me too, but I want a social life without having to get wasted. That wasn't working for me anyway, because I was terrified to see my friends sober. I felt like none of them really knew me - they just knew the version of me that would come out when I was drinking. That's what led to me drinking during the day actually...
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:07 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Hi again!

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Today I'm going to make a bunch of phone calls. If I freak out there really aren't any consequences other than embarrassment in front of strangers who I may never talk to again, so I think I can handle that.
How did it go for you? Did you decide to challange yourself? I personally have no problem talking on the phone to someone in public. The phone is a distraction for me. I volunteer on a helpline and i dread the phone rings. I am good on the phone, it is not on the phone that bothers me, it is the person/people in the office with me that make me anxious. I feel they are listening and judgeing my every word. This puts me on edge. where as if there was nobody in the room i would be looking forward to recieving/making a call. I have only started since Dec (once a week) am i am slowly finding my own way of handeling calls. I hope that the anxiety wont keep me from progressing. I just wish there was nobody there!

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Eek - well, there's another thing we have in common. My Mom had some serious issues when I was growing up. Oddly enough, I don't become abusive when I'm drinking, but my boundaries get really screwed up. I end up getting abused instead...and doing stupid sh*t like sleeping with random people.
Yes, my boundries lower too. Im sad to say that becoz of my alcohol dependancy i find it hard to become intimate with me (as well due to the anxiety). I would rather have a few cans in me to boost my confidence, which is sad and can be difficult for me. I wold like to add that my violence is never towards people, it is towards myself. I would end up injuring myself from doing something stupid like punching walls etc. (but that would be on spirits). When im sober though, i do have a tendancy to do this also.

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It scared me too, but I want a social life without having to get wasted. That wasn't working for me anyway, because I was terrified to see my friends sober. I felt like none of them really knew me - they just knew the version of me that would come out when I was drinking. That's what led to me drinking during the day actually...
Yes i know that exact feeling. When im drunk i am different then when i am sober, i think everyone is, but i feel like people dont know the real me. I dont even think i do. I have been told im diffeent sober and this hurts me becoz im not who people think i am. When i see people sober i am (in my head) trying to be the person they think i am. Like i am who i am, i cant change that...but drink can...and this is how people know me...with drink in me, which is sad. However i dont think that that would lead me to drinking during the day, because i dont see my friends during the week. This applies to men too. When i meet someone they think im someone else, and i am afraid to meet up with the again (besides the anxiety) because i feel like i would be boring.
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