I'm freaking out

[jamdls]

I made reservations this week to fly to D.C. to see my 86 yr old dad next month. He is in a retirement home. I really haven't slept since. My dad sexually and verbally abused me as a kid he was alcoholic and it began upon his return from Vietnam. I left home at 17 and left the state they were in by 20, I rarely returned. In my 40s my drinking got totally out of control and didn't see my family at all for 10 yrs. Once I got sober at 50 I made peace with my family. Then my mom died last year and my dad and I got really close, he even came to live with me for 3 months but that didn't work out because although I forgive him it was too uncomfortable for me. My dad got sober 25 yrs ago and he's been my biggest support during my sobriety, we talk on the phone several times a week and I treasure our conversations. I visited him twice after he left here last summer and freaked out both times, panic attacks, insomnia, general depression. I don't want to go see him I hate flying/traveling/being away from home; but I need to and part of me really does want to see him he's been very good to me in many ways. When I get stressed I hear voices, I have no idea what they say and they are usually accompanied by me making hand gestures. I take zyprexa when it gets bad.
I have only slept about 4 hours the last 2 nights and so I'm stressed. I just wanted to write this to hopefully get it OUT of me.

[treefrog]

Hi Jamdls. Do you take any medication for the panic attacks? a short course of something may help you relax (and sleep.) I too hate flying and generally being away from my 'safe zone.' It seems to me if your strong enough to forgive your father and move on, and also beat alcoholism, then you'll be able to cope with your trip. For me it's about putting thing's into perspective and looking at thing's logically. ( I know it's easier said than done.) something i definately know is that apprehension is often far worse than the actual event. Sorry if this sounds patronising...good luck.