Going through it to get through it...

[SkyIsFalling42]

Well..my day has been very awesome and exhausting. We went to nelson ledges to hike..it is so beautiful there. There is an old gypsie fortune telling machine that mesmerized me as a small child. The building still holds many of the same old things it had all of those years ago. I love this place. The gypsie lady gave me my fortune card for a dime. This is what it said:

Grandmothers Prophesis

Oh speed on, speed on my little dove
Carry a message to the one I love
Tho a cruel fate has us two parted
I know that the future has in store
Greater happiness for ever more.

When that long awaited letter finally comes, no words will be able to describe the joy that will be yours. Since you are so clever in so many ways, you have learned to make the best of things. Your life as a result is not spoiled by the curse of boredom. You are fond of gay music and like to dance. You are an impulsive person, given to exclaim in ecstacy if things please you.

This made me think of my uncle curt who died in a motorcycle accident when he was 23. He left behind a beautiful daughter, my cousin Lee Ellen. She was born about 2 weeks after his death.
His death was so tragic for me, he took care of me and my brother and we knew we could count on him. We felt the love he had for us. When he died, I was immediately sent to my fathers house. My father hated me, and abused me badly. I do not remember anyone explaining anything to me about curt's death. I was 7 years old. My dad took me to the funeral home, and I can still remember how curt looked in the coffin. I did not think it was really him-there were no explainations for me. His wife fell onto the coffin sobbing hysterically and it almost fell into the floor. They had a bracelet of some kind aroung both of the wrists..and i remember thinking he would not be able to move his hands. This was all such a tragedy to me.
I ended up at curt's grave this evening..first time i have been there is a very, very long time. Tears rolled down my face and realized that i had never cried for the loss..i have always felt it..but never cried. I crumpled there on the ground, feeling what I should have felt years ago. I was shocked at this..but was able to quickly understand what was happening.
I am going through it to get through it.

This is the grandma gypsy lady:

[TinaH.]

Thank you for your post. I have been through a similar situation in just the past 2 weeks. My daughter is 18 and at 10 mos old her father was shot and killed. He was my first love and I was 19 at the time. 3 months prior my father died. my daughter's father was adopted and just about 2 weeks ago I got a call from his birth brother. I have always held steve somewhere inside and thought I dealt with this loss. Of course back then at 16 to 19 yrs old all we did was drink (he and I) and I continued drinking for a few more years and then found the rooms of AA.

I meant Steves birth mom and brothers and his one brother looks exactly like him. Last Saturday I went to the meeting couldn't share or didn't share..........holding back tears I was and still somewhat am overwhelmed by the whole thing and meeting his brother that is a picture of him and watching him on the floor showing pictures to my daughter it was like Steve was alive.

I went Last Saturday after the meeting to Steves grave and cried the type of crying you shared about from the gut. I though I had dealt or something and I must not have.

It was nice to be reminded "if I go through it I will get through It". I don't want to use over it although this week Iavoided meetings, my sponsor, my higher power, and all the things that help me to stay clean and balanced.

I forgot what my sponsor shares with me "If I Put God and My Sobriety first then everything else will fall in place". I was reminded of it today. I felt very down. Then to top this all off I have been seeing Steves friends everywhere. I have even meant up again with one who has been around alot and wants a relationship.

I am off balance and must remember to put my program first.

I cuold ramble on here ..........so much inside but I won't. I just want to thank you for your post its nice to know I am not alone


God Bless
Tina

[SkyIsFalling42]

Tina
No..we are not alone, and this helps me so very much also. The PTSD has brought to light so very much in my life. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, but i always pull through by the grace of God.
I am so sorry for your losses and at such a young age. I know it is so hard to see a loved one that has gone home in the face or mannerisms of another person. When i talk to lee ellen, it is as though i am lookin into her fathers eyes. She is like him in many ways..and never even met him. In some strange way..i have found this to be a comfort in my heart..a very warm memory and remiinder that there really was one person who truly loved me.
Wasnt that so cool in a way though to meet his birth family? So wonderful for your daughter! She will be able to know her father in a subtle way through his family!
It is so hard for us to stay focused at times..and so very necessary. I hope you are able to give yourself the credit you deserve for the things you have accomplished in your life. I truly admire you for this, it is such hard work.
I know that you must be feeling somewhat shocked at the appearance of his brother and all. And if you are like me..shocked at your reaction. I think that given some time and adjustment..you may be able to turn this around and maybe find some comfort or peace with it.
Honestly..I kinda like it when people ramble here..there is so much to learn and share..why not listen and talk?

I hope you both feel better soon. :fred

[2stop]

{{Tina}} and {{Sky}}~ Two awesome and strong women that inspire me to "keep on truckin". Big ole hugs and prayers are with you always my sisters in spirit!!~

[SkyIsFalling42]

Morning Glory
The flowers are so very beautiful, I can almost smell them. Thank you. Those eyes of yours see so very much.

2stop
I love you my sis, and we do all inspire each other and I too think it is fabulous!