Finally did it.

[GailJ]

Sorry to say I fell off the wagon and relapsed big time. So exhausted. Off work three days and arranging to get help. Set up Dr.s appointment for today and with help of work am getting a pyschotherapist who specializes in PTSD. Set up for next Saturaday. Called psych who is not in town till tommorrow. Going back on meds, can't get the anxiety or panick under control, 4 solid weeks of anxiety and panick attacks. Have asked for help with binging too from mental health services. Hubby has been really good. Knows how serious this is and is willing to be included in counselling and therapy with me.

[hippyhippy]

((((((((gail))))))
well done for making such a positive step hunny. Keep us posted. If I don't reply here, pm me because I sometimes am very blinkered hun.
Hippy
xxxxx

[Live]

Good for you picking yourself back up and running in the right directions!
Best wishes and hugs at the anxious, scary times!
Tena

[GailJ]

Saw the doctor, she gave no advice on programs or a DR's note for work, is refering me back to Psych. Back on effexors and seroquels, she started me on double the dose I left off at last year. Worried I won't be able to work during the adjustment period. I guess this is day one officially sober with no intention to go back ever to beer. Have to wait a week to see the counsellor. Reading up on the smart recovery program here. No religion for me. Major PTSD trigger. Look promising so far. Thanks for the replies. I worry that I am just replacing one substance with another by going back on meds. Yet I know I can't cope without them. My physical health is too shot not to. Very weak from the strain and stress of it all. So accept the meds and talk here and start the smart recovery program. Anxiety and beer do not mix and I will always have anxiety. Now I have to really learn to live with it.

[historyteach]

Best of luck to you, Gail...
Have you tried meditation? Guided visualization? Yoga?
All of these have shown to help anxiety.
Also, just simple things like eating a healthy diet, getting regular exercise and sleeping well do too.

Let us know how you're doing. We care.

Shalom!

[GailJ]

My concentration levels are too overwhelmed for yoga or meditation at this time. Short term memory really bad. Once the effexors are in my system I will be able to focus more clearly. Gardening, put in large vegetable garden this year. Forcing myself to eat and walk the yard a lot right now. Side effects and weakness too great to trek down 16 acres to my river spot. Reading through the smart tools on smartrecovery. Even that is overwhelming to me at the moment. Hopefully the psychotherapist can help. Booked with her next Saturday. Not agorophobic just exhausted. Cycling thoughts hard to combat. I think it's harder to deal with when negative outside sources and a complex traumatic past interfere so much with self acceptance. Coping by drinking definately not the answer. Read a super article from Stanford online about the Assessment and Treatment of cuncurrent PTSD in combination with substance abuse. Don't think I can post the link here. You can find it on a yahoo search it a pdf.

Really made me realize even with five years of self help and reserch I couldn't continue to do this alone. That I couldn't do it without help.

[historyteach]

Gardening is a great way to slow down and get back to nature. It really helps me.
Good luck with the therapist.
Let us know how it goes, and continue to post how you're doing.
It''s helpful, at least for me, anyway, to get it out and then to see the progress as I go along and do things for myself that help me improve.

Why not share some of the smart recovery tools you're learning too? They are sure to benefit others. And you may find others using that method on the secular forum.

Shalom!

[GailJ]

I'm staying away from secular forums for now, religion is one of my biggest triggers unfortunately but thanks anyway. For an overview of the Smart tools the link is
SMART Recovery® - Tool Chest and Homework
Seems CBT and REBT are motivational methods there.
Still having trouble logging in overthere. They reset my password but the reset isn't working yet. Still lots of good over there.

[historyteach]

Gail,
The purpose of the secular forum is that it is *not* about religion.
Now, I know that there are times people post about religious ideas on there.
But, it's mostly shot down.
There's plenty of places on SR for religious ideas, and the secular forum was put up specifically for a non-religious forum. It should be respected for that purpose.

Thanks for the links!

Shalom!

[SailorKaren]

So good to see you posting again Gail! Sending you thoughts of strength and support for your staying sober, and for coping with everything right now.

Originally Posted by GailJ

[...] I worry that I am just replacing one substance with another by going back on meds. Yet I know I can't cope without them.

I don't think your meds are a replacement for drugs. They are intended to restore balance in your brain's neurochemistry, and help your thinking and emotions work more easily. Time will tell if your need for them will change as you heal. You've done so much for yourself on your own, and you can be proud of that. A little extra professional guidance will go a lot farther because of your hard work.

[pixie73]

It has been my experience (and I have years of it), that you have to weather the storm to see the rainbow. I also suffer from PTSD and bipolar disorder and I have been on meds since I was 17 years old. I am adament when I tell you that I never felt any sense of normalcy until I got sober. When I got sober, and I mean working for sobriety, not just abstinence. I have a focus. I choose to take my meds EVERYDAY as PRESCRIBED. I keep ALL appointments with my mental health professionals and I have made my employer aware of my illness which keeps me in check...NO EXCUSES here. My employer also knows that I am in recovery. Drinking or drugging renders any treatment ineffective if you are an alcoholic or addict.

[GailJ]

Thanks you are all right and I am back on meds and not drinking at all. Hubby is being as supportive as he can be. The meds are helping with the panick attacks but my anxiety is still very high. I have to contact my Dr again for that medical evidence form. I can not get my sick pay untill I do. More anx there. Waiting, I thought about going into rehab but I feel home is the best place to recover. I am sure there is outpatient services to help. Blood tests and such which would reinforce my resolve not to binge again. It's feels like a what comes first, the chicken or the egg senario. Both the PTSD and the alcoholism are just as serious as each other. I've been on wellbutrin, paxils two or three times, effexors this is my second time around and I know now it is long term not short term. Patience, patience, patience.

I'll check out the secular forum again, HT thanks.

Sailor Karen, I lived in Panama City in my 11th grade year. It's neat how the internet makes the world a little smaller. Thankyou too for the support.

[GailJ]

Oh shite, I'm binging, Had bad calls with family and I am binging. I know mental health services said be patient. I have told the whole world I have been coping with alcohol I am on pills and still I am binging. Hubby will be home in two hours and the PTSD and guilt will wreck it all. Called doc can't see me till thursday. Psych the doc has already done. Therapy is a very long waiting list and I need to hold on. Won't take a serorquel cause I am binging but need help to keep me going though this. Shite.......

[SailorKaren]

All right dear, take a deep breath. Are you using beer? Can you just dump what's left in the house? If not, is it because your husband wants some to drink? Would he be willing to not have any around for a while? If you think it is more likely than not that conversations with your family will trigger you, it might be helpful to follow a no contact policy until you get stronger.

My XAGF came to church yesterday with her new GF, and I could feel myself start to come unglued. I maintain strict no contact with her, and I even avoid driving withing half a mile of her house just to keep me from going into panic. To feel safe at church, I have set up a safe person to sit with while I'm there. My safe person was not at church yesterday, but fortunately I was able to stay way up front on my organ bench and behind a screen, so I got through it OK, but it drained me. I think it is important to respect the power of our subconscious to do what can, in its own perhaps misguided way, to keep us safe when it feels threatened. You need to start teaching yours that alcohol is no longer in the the toolbox for it to use. And when it complains like a little child that it has to have it, try being a gentle parent with it and show it some other, better tools to cope.

It is never too late to choose sobriety Gail! You can stop right now, and get back on the healing path. Post again please, my dear.

[historyteach]

(((Gail))))

We're here for you.
And tomorrow is another day. Start fresh. And know that you *can* do this.

What was your trigger?
What *could* you have done differently?
What will you do differently next time that trigger occures again?

Remember the HALT acronym -- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
Those are common triggers for using, but, not the only ones.
When you get the urge to drink, ask yourself 1st if it's really one or more of these emotions or feelings that you are experiencing. If so, deal with the real thing; in the end, you will have to anyway. And it's so much easier with a clear head.

Another thing, even if you cannot specifically identify a trigger, just do something different. Is there a closet that you have meant to clean out for the last year? How about that junk drawer? Did you want to paint that bathroom, and just haven't gotten to it? Or did you mean to put a brick walkway in the front yard? Well, those are *perfect* activities to do when you've got an urge to drink! And I garentee that the urge will pass once you get into the activity too!

Please let us know how you're doing, ok? We care...

Shalom!

[GailJ]

I stopped at 6 yesterday and took a sleep, family negative comments triggered me, , ex mother in law and one son, financial wory over sick time off work.depression packing up beer empties without my spouse there to support me. They are all over the farm and I took it upson myself to clear them all up to be removed from the farm. Literally about 3 dozen full cases, I wanted to show hubby just how much he and his friends drinking at the shop is added up as well as my own from the garage. Trying to get him to keep drinking away from the farm. Started feeling hopeless at seeing all these empties. Hubby does not drink much at all, usually 3 at most and I have been asking him to evalute his friends as most are drunks as well and in nice weather they like to come out and drink while hubby works on cars and tractors at the barn.
He knows things have to change but he is unsure how he can make that happen as well.
I need to involve him in my counselling I feel he needs help to.
Starting again fresh Stupidly there were three beer in the fridge and I caved to the urge to combat anxiety, old habit thing thinking it would ok and I could stop at 3. Beer was there for hubby but realistically I know I can't keep any in the house at all this point.
I got into the smart recovery forums this morning and am finding it really beneficial today.
Really fantastic posts
Reading up on coping strategies even filled out a worksheet.
My printer is on the fritz so I filled it out on wordpad and saved it in a special folder.
No beer in the house at all. Will focus on cleaning and distracting negative thought patterns, remind myself that I am not damaged my nervous system is damaged. Stop Though Helps to some extent. Need more time for effexors to work. Will tell my doctor what happened when I go in to see her tomorrow. Definately panick was involved.
Thanks for your support.

[GailJ]

Today is my first day doubling the effexors, up to 300 now. Going in to check in with doc and get my sick leave form filled out. I am in no way ready to go back to work yet. I hope she will give me eight more weeks off so I can get into treatment at least. Really thinking about a career change but that would mean much less money that I am bringing in. We are maxed out as it is but will have to manage somehow. I have to put my health first whether hubby can handle it or not. There are a lot of things that trigger me at work. The anxiety more than the PTSD. Very negative work atmosphere as well. So adds to the depression as well. Hard to change things after 9 years there.
We'll see, give the meds a chance to work and the counsellor to get me into some structured recovery. Thanks for the support.

[hippyhippy]

Hunny,
it is so difficult to stop drinking when your other half is drinking. I am not lecturing....I haven't managed to stop. I take three different meds and they all warn 'no alcohol' but I continue to take. I should be grateful that I have to stop at two or I really do feel ill....so it is a start at least.
I wish I had answers for you, or I wish I lived near you to be a support!
I so understand how you feel about work. I am the same, the negative atmosphere brings me down. I am fortunate in that I only work two shifts a week.
I am thinking of you hun and wishing you strength.
Hippy
xx

[GailJ]

Thanks Hippy, hubby is not a heavy drinker but like two or three with his buddies when they do come out. Yesterday I told him I was glad there was no more beer here and that I needed it to stay that way for a while, He asked what about me? I asked him if he bought beer if he could keep it in the trunk of his car. Out of my sight. I know eventually I will have to get used to it and be able to be around others drinking. But I know I am not strong enough yet to resist if it is here.
I think he is evaluating his friends, work has him under pressure this week too. I absorb his anx like a sponge, We both know things have to change and have said so openly to each other. He is realizing just how much he and his friends drink here. Collecting those empties up made him think. We havn't driven them back yet. But they are packed away in the back of his truck ready to go. We don't drive the truck much, Gas you know.
Slept today a couple hours, finding even half a seroquel has the power to knock me out. They are great for the panick and anx but my energy is sapped out. I know that is part of detoxing too so hard to tell from which area it is coming. I was visiting the alcoholic forum this morning, reading up on the stickies. Still think AA is not the way for me. but you never know, if I can get the anxiety under control and the social anx as well, I have to admitt I have a lot of social anxiety, always did. I'm OK at work with my own people usually, my department I mean, till this relapse hit. so right now I only feel safe at home or when hubby is with me in the stores. One of my sisters sent me a lovely email about happiness. One of those forward,forward,forward ones but I would love to post it here. Think I'll give it a shot, like a chicken soup for the soul story.

[GailJ]

Just back from the doctor, got my stress leave till September, did not realize she would give me that much time off. What a releif. Specified that alcohol treatment and acute anxiety recovery were imperative. Now everybody knows for sure. It's hard to admitt it but I need the help to recovery and stay sober. Hubby has agreed to keep his beer in his car, and drink elsewhere with the guys. Finally I am starting to find real hope that I can do this.

[SailorKaren]

That sounds really encouraging Gail! I share your hesitation about AA. I grew up in an extremely conservative Lutheran church, and those beliefs made it difficult to accept and recover from an abusive childhood. Their constant emphasis on me being a sinner and worthless in the sight of God taught me to give my power away to external authority figures, and I lost myself in the process. Learning how to reclaim my sense of personal power and trust the guidance of my feelings was absolutely essential to my survival and recovery. "Letting go and letting God," and "Turn it over to your higher power" are uncomfortable if not actually terrifying statements for me now. I spent several difficult years in group and individual therapy, and I jealously guard those hard-won gains. My turning point came the day I realized I was abusing myself with a very harsh inner dialog, and I vowed to forevermore befriend and protect myself with the same fervor.

Now that I've said this, I'm going to check out your SMART Recovery link!

[GailJ]

I really like the tools over there and the articles on theirs Steps to Recovery but I'm not impressed with the forums. I need a structured program and help identifying and changing the irrational beliefs and help doing that. Todays the day I see the counsellor and my minds a blank, I'm scared and don't even know where to begin with this person. Work wants me to call in Monday and tell them whats going on. I don't know yet what I can tell them. I'm detoxed and have no urges to drink but don't know if these meds will keep me level enough when the next big urge hits. Still asking for help. Hubby being great, not drinking at all, still being supportive.


As for churches
I was raised Jehovah's Witness, left in my teens, married a United Chruch Ministers son and went through ten years of hell, through his sever abuse and his parents denial there was anything wrong with their son, that I was not good enough for him.

My mothers last words after all those years of "true christian" faith were."You little bitch, I'll fix you" and called police to have me removed. I hadn't done anything but fix a door handle for her. That after I took after her and my father for twenty years without the help of any siblings. They said the cancer had gone to her brain but she always had been emotionally cruel to me. That was three weeks before she died. I refused to go to the funeral.
I am agnostic now, but I can't get over hipocrisy in the church's. Humans are and always will be human. In the end all that faith and moralizing just doesn't count in my eyes.
Sorry not meaning to offend anyone who believes and relies on their higher power or in their church. Just my experience. Some things I don't think I'll ever get over.

[Live]

Hi, Gail.....sending hugs and hope!

I am going to do some of Teach's suggestions today, play in the flowers and catch up on some small but overwhelming, long-neglected chores!

[GailJ]

Good idea, overcast here, my appointments not till this afternoon at 3:30pm It's on 8:20 in the morning now, still in my housecoat. Will try to distract myself and use stop thoughts till I see her. I planted some sunflowers yesterday and need to fill in gaps in my beens and peas, had an insect problem last week, nearly wrecked the whole crop, dusted and they seem to be coming back. Thanks live. Heading for the shower.

[historyteach]

Gail,
Thanks for reminding me,
I have some sunflower seeds to put in!

I have to bring the car to the garage today. It needs brakes and some other small work.
And wouldn't you know it. In the last week, it stalled twice, as I was driving!
I'm on the highway everyday, driving to work! So, now, I have to have him check that out, too. And I have no money.... :>(

But, it's not like I have a choice! I need a car to get to work everyday! And if it ever stalled out on the highway, I'm a dead duck! :>(

Ok, I digress. Gonna get ready to go, then plant my sunflower seeds.

Shalom!