Finally did it.

[GailJ]

Had a rea;;y fough and drinking week. Talked to the court house. No luck perv no. 1 is back driving by and stopping by regu;aily. Can't handle it. asked freiends/fam to help me out of here. Hubby has been putting on false front 4 days now. Tome to renew mortgage/ Asked four timwa last week for byeout. I said yes every time. Now perfect sameritan again. Everybody's on to him. This point does not matter if I drink or not. Just go away.

Spent 2 and a ha;f day's energy cleaning ins8ide, missed therapist cause his selfish plabs, Back on for next week. Now rggrcors working, serpque;s not. Will Talk to doc this week. Tired of being undermined. I have a mental illness.Itt is not just beet. Sober ex[eriment proved it this weekend. Night will wear my glasses tomorrow, brit time.

[liveweyerd]

Gail,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I deeply regret that I have not read this thread all along. I want to say that I think you and Karen are two of the most remarkable women I have ever "met" on this site.

I do hope that whatever decisions you make are in your best interest and are not concessions to others just to get things over with.

LOL, I, myself have a temper and I am quite sure that I would have moved that couch out into the garage! It isn't even temper, it is asserting my right to protect myself and my well-being. And that is too critical to me to ignore, whether others do or not.

hugs,
live

[SailorKaren]

{{{{ Gail }}}}

Thinking of you... been so busy fixing gear and doing shows. I'm sorry it's been tough for you, and the people close to you don't seem to get how difficult it is for you. I find myself trying to explain what I am going through, and I think it is hard for anyone who hasn't experienced it. I wrote this a few days ago to my sister:

Last week was pretty difficult. I had agreed to sew a flower girl dress and a jacket for the mother of a couple who were having their Holy Union ceremony last weekend. I had to do some unexpected equipment repairs the week before, so i was under the gun to the the sewing done. I agreed to the project without knowing that [XAW] would be in the wedding party. Had I known, I would have declined. But being the good little girl who keeps her promises, I carried on and spent all of last week working on the dress and jacket. I finished about 2 hours before the ceremony (plenty of time!). I don't think I was the only one working at the last minute. I never saw so many people scrambling to finish all the little details. M__, who was marrying T__, is an attorney of a local high-powered financial planner, and there were a number of people at the wedding who I did not recognize, but who had that air of power around them. Even the mayor of Panama City attended the ceremony! Everyone loved the dress.

I had a hard time dealing with the emotions that came up for me as I was working on the dress. All the same friends who attended our ceremony were going to be at this one, and it reminded me of all the hopes I had for us. I am still grieving the loss of all that, but what was worse for me was how those memories, and the anticipation of being at the ceremony and seeing [XAW] standing up there, caused me to have PTSD flashbacks to what happened when she dumped me. (It's even happening as I write this -- I have to take little breaks)

It was exhausting. As a seamstress in the wedding, I was invited to the rehearsal dinner being held at a friend's house. I felt uncomfortable about going, but I had to go to the rehearsal itself to fit the dress on H__ the flower girl, so I decided to attend. I was able to avoid contact with [XAW] and stay on the opposite side of the yard. I considered avoiding the wedding altogether, and for a while I thought it was conflicting with a gig I needed to go to, but it turned out the gig was on Sunday. So I decided to go, and I wore the dress I wore to my wedding, to remind me of the commitment I made, and the promises I kept. I went early because they were taking pictures before the ceremony and I had to deliver the dress. It fit perfectly, and I took some pictures. I hid out in a back corner of the church waiting for the start, and 2 couples who I had not seen since the breakup came up to me and hugged me, and one of them had not heard until that very moment. It made me cry. But I did OK until it was over and I was on my way to the reception. I had been crying in the car, and when I walked into the reception hall and saw the reception line at the entry door, I realized I'd have to walk directly past [XAW] and shake her hand.... Well -- part of my healing has been to develop an ability to care for myself unconditionally, and to have my back when the chips are down. So I was there for myself in that moment and I went No, NO WAY, and I turned and walked out of the building. The reception was downtown by the city marina, so on the verge of shaking, I started walking by the boats and took the opportunity to call my boss and discuss the next day's gig. We talked for 45 min, and among other things, I let him know what was happening with me, and he was supportive and encouraging. I calmed down and felt ready to try again, and he told me to hold my head high. By then the reception line was gone, so I went in and saw a group of friends, who called me over to sit with them. I did, and it felt good to be surrounded by their energy. I stayed for a while and just interacted with those I felt safe with and who felt supportive, and then I went home.

This is what she wrote back to me:

It does sound as though you have been busy this past week and into the next few weeks. As hard as it is to see [XAW] and interact in the same community as her, you will need to get past the fear and feelings of being a victim. I don't know that replacing those with anger are best answer, but it may make it easier to cope. Or maybe even pity, since [XAW] is obviously troubled herself and not able to recog. a valued friendship/relationship when she is in one. And i guess the best reaction is forgiveness, that she betrayed you and treated you the way she did. BUT....THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: If you avoid situations that you enjoy because she is there THAN YOU LET HER WIN ! and she is still able to control your life and negatively affect your feelings. You need to show [XAW] that you are better person now without her and that your life will go on and be better too. Anything less is allowing her dominion over you and control of who you are, how you feel.

I like that I feel love and support from my sister, and yet some of her suggestions just don't feel possible to me. I'm not sure getting past fear and victim feelings is what I NEED to do; I just know they aren't something I can will away because they are inconvenient. And although I like the idea of not allowing my XAW to control my life, I'm finding it wise to respect the intensity of my flashback emotions, and take extra care not to needlessly have them re-traumatize myself by moving too quickly through the healing process.

C'mon dear Gail, we can get through this. It matters to me if you drink or not. Being sober means we can stay sharp and bring the best of our mind to the plate. Stay with us now, and keep posting.

[GailJ]

Thankyou both I am back on the planet. Had therapist appointment today. Gave me a really long name for my numbness and inability to identify with present and myself. Yes Ive binged hard twice since court. You read the last one. I think that was day two on a three day binge.
ASA I got bacck from counsellors. Hubby started drilling me. I don't know how serious his financial situation is, am I taking the byeout. A lot of nonsensesical all or nothing aggressive statements. He has had no money from me int four weeks now. Came back told me he found a windshield only $100.00 bucks and has a reciepts. Told him I wanted a pic of that 400.00 windshield that he got to go with the reciept. Took a fit and took off. Had the nerve to say this is a partnership. NOT.......went on to say didn't know what HE had to go through to get that windsheild.................Not buying into it. It's a weasel deal all the way. already know that. He's taken off again but sure he is not done yet. 21st is court again. Think I'll order the window monday. Calling for the liscence test too. It's almost here

[GailJ]

Will Talk more tommorrow. If I can

[GailJ]

Just quick update, got my appointment booked to see if my d liscence will be reinstated on the 28th. Got an medically "official" chronic ptsd diagnosis finally. Told may not be ready to go back to work in October and should qualify for short term disability.
Court again Monday coming and it's done. Guess if I separate will be seeing one again. Very good possibility of it at this point. Will decide in August.

[historyteach]

(((Gail)))
I wish you only the best.
I know what a difficult situation you're in, and hope it resolves itself quickly.

Shalom!

[GailJ]

Thankyou, going to miss my appointment today, Hubby blasted me this morning and I am shot. Just going to get some sleep. No beer. Am calling that lawyer Monday.

[historyteach]

I'm sorry, (((Gail)))
Try to just live your life and have little to do with him, if possible.
If it's really over, it's over.
I know that it hurts, but,
It hurts more continuing to be berated by him, no?
You don't deserve it.

Shalom!

[SailorKaren]

Wow, I'm really sorry your husband is not treating you well. There are some folks over in the Friends and Family Forum who would be very happy: you're making restitution, you're sober, you're getting professional help, and you have an actual PTSD diagnosis (which I think is great, and I would feel better if I heard that too). It makes me wonder if he doesn't believe what happened to you was harmful and injurious.

[...] I do believe he has PTSD in his own way from his mother being killled when he was so young and his fathers viscious psychotic behaviour while he grew up. [...]

I would say both of these experiences constitute trauma in the clinical sense, and unless he acknowledges that, overcomes denial, and works towards healing, he will not be able to see your trauma for what it is either. Acknowledging your trauma would put him face to face with his own.

I think it's hard for others to empathize and provide a deep level of support for us. I told our office manager last week how it made me cry coming in to work when I thought about having to deal with my XAW and the disposition of the boat we own together. The office manager said "Karen! You need to just get past that." If only it could be that easy. I did a service call at a clothing store yesterday, and while I was working alone in the back office, the phone would ring while I was concentrating, and it made me jump out of my skin every time. I think I even cried out in surprise one time! It is really uncomfortable when that happens, and I have no control over my response. Two weeks ago I was working a fishing tournament at a local marina, and during my setup time, another event was going on, and the harbormaster fired a flare gun to start it. I was engrossed in my setup and didn't see him approach, so when it fired with a loud POW! my startle reaction was so strong it felt like I had touched a high voltage line (been there done that). The shock was so great I yelled out involuntarily and started shaking. It left me so shaken I had to stop what I was doing, sit down, and put my head down. Yeow. When I am back at the shop, it is very nice and helpful when the other techs acknowledge me by giving a warning before they blast the air hose or crank up a guitar amp. Everything about PTSD it tough, and I identify more and more with rape victims and war vets.

Way to go and keep taking good care of yourself Gail. Don't be shy and call your brother for support if you need it. Thinking of you,

[GailJ]

Oh god I hate that startle response, my is extream too to say the least. Did get through court, attorney general didn't accept my charitable donation receipt that was paid through town police detachment. wants it on official letterhead. dealing with that today later. Gave me a week to fax one on so called "official" letterhead. Donated to victims services. What a crock. Been in rough shape since councillors appointment. Shakes and did drink after court on Monday. Set my official sober day for the same day I get my license back on the twenty eighth. Been sleeping mainly since court, did make it to the therapist last saturday she cut it off short seeing the state I was in. See her again on the 28th too. Just taking it slow.

History teach she told me I have a condition associated with the ptsd but I can't remeber the name. Really long beggining with a A, About emotional detachment and my being unable to know my own emotions, feeling numb. Do you know the name of that condition, would like to research on it here.

[historyteach]

I *think* you are referring to anhedonia.
It is the inability to feel joy or pleasure. Or, here's a web definition:
"State of being unable to experience pleasure from what would normally be a pleasurable. An integral feature of major depression."

There's not too much on the internet that I could find. Most of the info is in the depression links; as a side line.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpfull....

Shalom!

[GailJ]

Thanks I found it today as well. I don't know if I agree with that diagnosus or not. I have been numb lately but I don't think I have the inability to feel joy or pleasure. I will discuss this with her further on my next visit. Thanks anyway I will look it up.

[historyteach]

Gail,
If you find anything, please share it with us.
I really looked, and was only able to find just short pieces of things, that really didn't add to what that definition gave!

There was a Wickapedia article, but, most of it was not cited. So, I don't trust the sources. Any tom, dick or harry can put things on wickapedia. We don't allow students, even in high school, to use it as a source, because of that reason. So, I didn't want to give it to you.

I hope you can find something. I'd be interested.
Good luck...

Shalom!

[GailJ]

I havn't been able to find much either on it HT. Then again 5 years ago doctors still denied the existance of PTSD as an actual diagnosis out of combat. HMMMMMM. Just as why they are giving me seroquels when I am not psychotic or bipolar. HMMMMMMM.
Well they do work awsome as sleeping pills. Then again I might be getting viagara next.
LOL.Will continue the search.

Got my liscense back. Now I just need vehichle, liscense, and insurance, and a new loan

[SailorKaren]

((Gail)), way to go on getting your license!! And, I've heard that doctors sometimes prescribe meds for use outside of their "traditional" place, because they have beneficial effects with other conditions. I think they call it "off panel" use.

I know when I went into therapy for depression, I was pretty much out of touch with my feelings. I didn't think I was! But I discovered I couldn't readily name an emotion that came up for me, or remember feelings from the past. My best response to the question "And how did that make you feel?" was usually "fine" or "OK."

Keep up all the good things you are doing. How's it going with Hubby?

[GailJ]

Things going one day at a time. Hubby has been playing cars all week so I don't see him much. Not fighting anyway. Finally got the energy to clean house today. Got my beens picked and garden weeded again. got four grocery bags full of green and yellow beans. Going into town to pick up freezer bags and blanch them up for winter. Peas not so good only one bag and hubby munched them all raw before I could freeze them. Going to plant more mid August. Should get a second crop before winter.

Having major problems with memory right now, am going to book psych appointment and see if it's me or the pills. Still agorophobic about going into town, just keeping to myself mainly. But still talking to my brother and my son has called a couple times so not feeling as isolated or abandoned as I used too.

I hope all is well foor everyone here as well.

[hippyhippy]

Hi Hun,
you got your license back! wahey! I know how I feel about having the freedom to get in my car and go. that's great hun.
Sorry I don't come in here often hun. I was explaining on a thread I take part in mostly, that I use too many forums. When I come here, I tend just to stay in mental health. There's a thread running there that you are most welcome to participate in if you wish. "BP town......open to anyone who rides the roller coaster" I know you are not BP, but you do know quite a bit about it. Also, it is not exclusive to peeps with BP. You ride a roller coaster yourself hun with your PTSD. A few of us hang out there, share a laugh, smile or tears. Just a thought hun if you fancied it.
Hippy
xxx

[GailJ]

Glad you popped in hippy.

Figured out the memory problem last night. Bottom line no more binging period. What the doctors don't tell you about alcohol binging with anti-Ds effexor in my case. Google searched it last night, specifically memory with binging. Found out as both substances affect the hippocampus that even though you may seem alright and talk just fine that the rapidly rising BAC with the Effexor stops your brain from being able to process short term memory into long term memory's making you much more likely to develop amnesia. Or as we alchies call it black outs. It explains so much.

Right now my brother is really upset with me because I had a really long conversation with him in the middle of my last heavy binge and the conversation before and forgot it all completely. Thought it was just my poor memory but it is far beyond that. I scared the wits out of me to the point I thought about asking to go on antibuse so I wouldn't binge again. Now that I know what the cause is I can call my brother and explain. PTSD, binging and anti's D's are an absolute not.
The binging triggers the worst of the PTSD symptoms in flight, fear, aggression. You stay in the negative, panick, are more depressed and then black out all you have done and said the next day permanently. I wish the psych, or my doc, or my therapist had explained this to me in detail before. Just thought all of you should know.

Blanching up my beans today. Sober since last Tuesday so I guess thats my official sobriety day July 29th, 2008. I won't be drinking at all anymore. I want my life and my health and my memory back. Take care folks.

[historyteach]

Gail,
That's really interesting information!
I was not aware of that at all. Thank you for sharing it.
I think it would be important information for the alcoholism forum too.
Would you mind sharing the link where you found it?

Oh, and so glad to hear you're off the booze; and that your health and memory are first and foremost a priority!

You've got your liscence, and your sobriety. The sky's the limit!!!
Keep up the good work!

Shalom!

[GailJ]

Here is the link. Feel free to share.

Alcohol-induced blackouts