Self destructive

[jazzz]

Hello. I don't know why I keep smoking weed. It's such a destroyer for me! For almost everyone I know it's no big deal but it's really doin' me in. I used to like it but now I don't like what it does to me...so why do I keep smoking it??? I think I feel worthless, coz all it does is make me feel paranoid and useless...still, I keep on smoking it..it's like I always think it's gonna be different this time, but on the other hand I know full well that it's not..It just totally flattens me out and I become scared, anxious and paranoid..empty...I must be running away from something..since i've done it for years. Am I just being stupid??

Am I just "using anything" to get away?? what's wrong with me??

I also suffer from social anxiety but I got it pretty well under control, except from when I smoke weed...And still I keep on doing it. I feel absolutely pathetic! And then I do everything to hide my insecurities from my friends...I take on a roll...

I also like to drink..a lot! It's usually binges in the weekends. What's happening to me...sorry, I'm just confused!e088:

[nandm]

What you describe is quite familiar to me. Only my problem was alcohol and social anxiety. My daughter smoked a lot of pot and would have severe anxiety when she did. It got so bad that she finally quit doing any drugs or alcohol. She does well now and no longer finds the anxiety overwhelming. I on the other hand still fight with the anxiety despite quiting drinking. I do seek outside help form medication, a psychiatrist, and my doctor for the anxiety and right now it is doing well.

Welcome to our mental health forum.

[jazzz]

Thanks for the reply nandm..

What I meant was "take on a role"..not a "roll"

Anyway...Alcohol is very "good" for my social anxiety. But after, it's horrible! Hangovers are hell...
I probably should abstain from everything but I find it rather difficult. I feel free when I drink, I get to be honest and outgoing. But once I get too much I tend to get annoying, not knowing my boundaries. Well, alcohol does that to you, but for me it gets very extreme sometimes...Overload!
I think weed does the exact opposite from alcohol...I get extremely selfconcious and feel extremely stupid. It's like it unwires my brain and I can't think properly..But there's something about it that I like since I keep smoking it..or maybe my ego is getting in my way.."I must be able to smoke this without terrible consequenses!"...well, no..

[historyteach]

Many, many years ago, as a kid, I did cocaine.
The high was great!
But, it lasted such a short time; and man, I always wanted more!
And it was soooo expensive...
And the coming down was such a drag....

It finally dawned on me
And it really didn't take me all that long,
that the negatives,
(the cost, the short high, the strong desire for more that took away all my money and the drag of coming down,)
far, far, far outweighed the positives!

Why the heck did I want all those negatives in my life?

And I realized that, I DIDN'T!!!
So, I stopped doing it.
And I really didn't miss it.
When I thought I wanted it, all I did was think about all those negatives again, and that brought me right back to my senses; to reality.

We've got one life to live. And it's our choices that determine how it goes.
You get to determine if you want the lack of boundaries, the stupidness and the self consciousness, or if you want a life worth living.
It's in your hands. You decide.

We're here for you when you make that decision.

Shalom!

[SailorKaren]

If you are looking for a detailed, introspective description of addiction, spend some time reading through the articles on this website: The Addict's Dilemma The one idea I take away from it is how the addict short circuits the mind's natural healing ability to restore balance, when it has been stressed. The addict uses a substance or a process to manually override and bury our innate ability to recover from hurt.

Living and coping with today's complex world can be difficult. Sometimes we get hurt early in life, before we get a chance to learn and develop good coping skills. What kind of early experiences do you remember? What happened when you were honest and outgoing? How social were you?

If you drop a hammer on your toe, it hurts for a while. It's supposed to. It's usually beneficial to let it get better on its own, rather than call up and get the entire Mayo Clinic staff involved. Addicts have been avoiding their sore toe for so long, it is going to feel especially painful for a while after they stop using. This is a secret to living a normal, clean life: let it hurt when the hammer falls. Feel the pain, talk about it with others, embrace it with your heart, allow it to fade in time. A child wants it to stop NOW; become a wise parent to yourself and live an enlightened adulthood.

Addiction has changed the way your brain processes and interprets the world around you. You have a form of brain damage. There is help, and you can recover from brain injury. Let go of any judgments you may have about the recovery process, people who would help you, and even this post. You are not worthless, stupid, or pathetic. You are a special, wonderful person, whose life can proceed much more easily and naturally without artificially forcing your mood.

[jazzz]

Thanks Sailor, that article was of great interest!

[GailJ]

Hi Jazz, My ex got me into smoking weed years ago, I smoke for about fifteen years, I came to realize it was a fake happy, and the longer I smoked as the years went on I found it only made me moody, paranoid, depressed, scared of getting caught or busted.
When I left my ex I quit and it took about 6 months before the emotional attachment to it faded. The physical addiction really didn't take that long to get over, but the emotions that kept leading me back were hard to cope with, I replaced it with binging, It is no better believe me It's much worse. Talk to your doctor now about whats going on and get help. The earlier you get help the easier it will be to recover and find joy in life again.
Take care and be kind to yourself

[Candygirl]

Jazzz, get help now. You may have underlying anxiety problems or even depression like I did, that you may not even be aware of yet. I was on meds, didn't like them much, but some people do well on them. I joined a cognitive therapy group and it was just what I needed. The important thing is that you start trying something!

[msiam207]

"still, I keep on smoking it..it's like I always think it's gonna be different this time, but on the other hand I know full well that it's not.."

That's cute, you're like a cat chasing its own tail.

"so why do I keep smoking it??? I think I feel worthless, coz all it does is make me feel paranoid and useless.."

"It just totally flattens me out and I become scared, anxious and paranoid..empty..."


"Am I just "using anything" to get away?? what's wrong with me??"

"I feel absolutely pathetic! And then I do everything to hide my insecurities from my friends...I take on a roll..."

You answered your own question when you asked it, and you knew it.

[historyteach]

Is there some ESH to share msiam?
That's what Jazz came here looking for, and that's what we're here for; to give and get support.

Shalom!