Loss

[Josie]

I'm thinking of all the "loss" in our
family...all the deaths. I'm thinking of all
the "loss" to drugs and alcohol. It seems
to be a family legacy.
Ignoring God's will....sabotage.
My secrets.....how my secrets have kept me
sick....and in turn....unworthy. I didn't
deserve my kids, so I was not there for them.
My kids lost everyone who they loved and
was supportive when they were small. My
mother...their grandmother...my father....both
their grandfathers...my niece...their cousin...my son's father....all of my
grandparents..who they never knew.....my
aunt.....I was the only support system
left. Where was I when this all went on,
oh well kids....another death??? Go play now.
Don't feel, don't speak, this is life.
The domestic violence, and I will just surround us with drugs, alcohol. I will make
sure you have no positive male role models.
And I will make sure you have no support
system. And I will work nights, and leave
you home alone....fend for yourself.
Sorry so morbid. This is exactly how it was
and this is exactly how I feel.
I do believe what comes around goes around. This is my cross to bear. I didn't do the
best I knew how.....I knew how wrong I was
but seemed incapable to stop it. I always
said....tomorrow.....tomorrow I will do
better.
A very bad day.

[2stop]

Oh {{{JOSIE}}}, I am sending {{{HUGS}}} your way!! I can relate to not feeling worthy to even have kids let alone be good at being a mom, you hit the nail on the head with how secrets tear us apart and leave us so vulnerable and feeling so isolated. The past few weeks I have been worrying that the two babies lost to a miscarriage were somehow my fault, I didn't use during my pregnancies, but before and after I did, and some days the guilt just eats me up alive, but we ARE WORTHY, and we did with what we had and what we knew, it seems inadequate to us but nevertheless it is true, mothers are human and so many mothers just were never shown the proper tools for raising kids, and we can only work with what we've got, I wish I could reach out and give a hug in person but will have send a virtual one{{HUGS}}. I am so sorry you are having a really tough day, we all love you girl, just hang in there, okay?


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

Joise,

I know you and I know without a doubt that you did the best you could do. You could never convince me otherwise. Look at all the stuff you went through and you had no support system either.

I know how you feel. I go through the same guilt feelings. If there is nothing you can do to change it you'll have to grieve and let it go. That's all we can do. What good does it do for anyone to live in that guilt. It doesn't help you and it doesn't help your boys.

We have to remember that there is a higher power that can reach in and fix things. We can't get there, but he can. We have a choice to turn it over or live in guilt. Confession to me is telling God the truth. You are doing that and that's a good thing. I just wish that you remember that we can't look back at the past with the knowledge we have now. We didn't have that knowledge then. You did the best you could.

God will restore what the locusts have eaten.

Hugs,
MG

[Josie]

Wading through the muck. I am grieving.
Maybe I am on a pity party. Trying to get honest, but can't seem to get totally honest. Too painful.
I understand everything now.

Love,

[2stop]

{{{{JOSIE}}}}


Hugz,
Tammie

[SkyIsFalling42]

Josie
My heart really goes out to you on this post..I am also struggling with the mother issues. I am also struggling with a total broken heart, one like I have never in my 42 years of life experienced. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, and i mean that with all of my heart and soul..
There is a poem that I posted on the christians in recovery board..I used it last night and God really did answer it for me today..the pain was lifted alot and i accomplished things today that I have not been able to do for several months. I dont know if the poem prayer will help you any or not..but please give it a try. You are not alone here Josie, You have my love and understanding in spirit.

Sky

Time...

Time it passes
And days go on
Yet sometimes you feel
You'll never see the dawn
It's always darkest
Before the light
Why can't anyone
See your plight

Where's the silver lining
That always seems so far
It's like you're wishing
On the farthest star
You know that star
It always seems so bright
But then you notice
It doesn't look quite right

You finally realize
It's not what you see
It's the one and only thing
You always hoped it would be
Oh Heavenly Father
Please hold me tight
Help ease my pain
If only for tonight

Written by:
Lela Waggoner_
December 15, 2000

SkyIsFalling42 has attached this image:

Josie, this is not a pity party. This is real painful. I have stages of grief and then let it go for awhile until I hit another one. It's tough to accept all of this. I think that's what we fight.

Powerless is tough. Can't change the present so we go back to the past and wish we could change that. Who knows if that would have made anything different?

Don't beat yourself up Josie.

Grieve, but don't focus on guilt. Force yourself to think of something else when you start dwelling on the past. It just doesn't help anything.

Hugs,
MG

.....and another thing. Codependency is all about taking full responsiblity for another person's actions and behavior. I really started feeling better when I put the responsibility back onto my son where is belongs. My guilt was making him blameless. He is not blameless. He has choices and so do your sons. There is so much available to them and so much help out there. If they wanted it they could find it.

I think my guilt turned inot anger. I finally got angry and didn't let my son manipulate me anymore. They dump their problems and won't do anything to help themselves. I finally told him to find a new trash can. They are responsible for their actions Josie. You are responsible for yours.

Hugs,
MG

[2stop]

{{{MORNING HUG}}} and {{{COFFEE}}} for ya Josie!!!!!

We love ya girl, and hope you feeling better today.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[SkyIsFalling42]

Morning Glory
You crack me up sometimes!!! And another thing... LOL
I absolutely love the trash can thing..I think its going to help me alot..

FULL BLOWN CODEPENDENCY....

[SkyIsFalling42]

.....TRYING TO LIVE WITH OUR FULL BLOWN CODEPENDENCY...

[SkyIsFalling42]

....WHEN WE DICIDE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH....

[SkyIsFalling42]

...THEN WE GET MAD....

[SkyIsFalling42]

...THEN WE VACATION IN HAWAII!!! HOOLA GIRLS

[SkyIsFalling42]

Josie
I am her with ya girl, and I love you in spirit!!! hope you are feeling better today.

Sky,

You are too funny. I'm so glad you're here

Josie, I hope you feel a little better. I'm sorry for venting on your post. I guess I just started thinking about all the stuff my son put me through.

Sky, I know you've been going through a tough time with your daughter too.

I wish there was something we could do, but I haven't found that bag of tricks yet.

Hugs to you all,

MG

[Josie]

Thanks, I needed that.

I wrote this long ol' response last night,
and just sat here looking at it.

I thought of all things I did do, and
listed them. I did alot, when they were
small and grown. I wasn't mother of the
year, but they never did without and they
knew I loved them.

I'm going to have to stop reading up on
personality disorders and criminal behavior..
it seems to all go back to the......mother.

My kids don't blame me, not to me anyway.
I blame me, I beat myself up, I am my
own worst enemy. I am so confused. I am
really fighting this one.

And another thing LOL, thanks M.G. 2stop,
Sky, Sky the poem was beautiful.

And the trash can is looking mighty good
at this point.

Love you,

[SkyIsFalling42]

Josie
I know that God wants us to foregive ourselves-he knows we cannot be whole until we do-it will always hold us back in some way. I have so much trouble with this one...I can foregive others but when it comes to me..its a different story. This is going to take awhile for me..alot of practice I think. Hang in there sis, there are alot of us in this together!!
And Josie, I foregive you, unconditionally. I have always practiced a non judgemental persona-we can just never know how, what or why people make decisions in their lives.
I lit a candle for you last night on the women in recovery board, you are in my thoughts as your struggle is also mine.

Love in spirit
Sky

[Josie]

Sky,

You are such a inspiration....thank you.

I know you are going through so much with
your daughter and grandchildren. In my own
crisis I tend to forget what everyone else
is going through. I have to remember I am
not alone.

I have been lighting candles through the
house also. I bought the Jesus and Mary
candles too, so I can see a vision of goodness
and peace.

I'm so glad you are here.

Hugs,

[Josie]

And another thing, LOL

M.G., don't you say you vented on my post.
It was what I needed to hear. I haven't
got really MAD yet.

Oh boy, look out.

Hugs,

[2stop]

Hey Josie!!!

How's your day going girl? I hope you're feeling better, I just hate seeing ya all tore up, it's so hard sometimes to work through emotional pain but it sounds like you're doing pretty good, just remember we're here and WE LOVE YA!!!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie