Frustration

[nandm]

I just came back from my second meeting with a new psychologist. My previous one had to cut back her work hours do to a family crisis. But that is not really my frustration.

I am frustrated with the fact that I am nearly 7 years sober and now I am having to deal with PTSD related to the past 40 some years of my life. It seemed like I was fine when I drank. Faced challenges head on, even enjoyed them. But in sobriety I have had increasing anxiety around every day life. Yes, I have worked and do work the program of AA. And it does and has helped keep me sober but it is not a program to solve problems such as PTSD. I have gotten to the point that I can not even get out of the house to go to job interviews. Picking up the phone to respond to a want ad is extremely difficult. Going to school has not been any easier. I missed quite a few classes last term because I couldn't get out the front door.

I am frustrated that after all these years I am having to deal with things from my childhood. I should be well past all that. A part of me knows that if I were drinking this would not be a problem. But then everything else would so that is not an option.

I just needed to vent a little. I know this will get better but it is quite frustrating to walk through.

I should be well by now.....lol

[best]

Originally Posted by nandm

I should be well by now.....lol

Why should you be any different then the rest of us? *LOL*

I was talking with a wise man who works his AA program and he shared how his
psychologist/counselor told him that the things of the past can be like an onion. Should be done with it? ...Not untill we are done with it.

A layer at a time.

[Spiritual Seeker]

thinking that if you were drinking things would not be a problem..... Drinking is never the solution. Dealing with the reality of your life will serve you well it would seem.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker

thinking that if you were drinking things would not be a problem..... Drinking is never the solution. Dealing with the reality of your life will serve you well it would seem.

Thank you. I do know drinking is not an option for me at all. I just find it frustrating that this was not an issue when I was drinking. I do realize that is because it was stuffed so far down and I was so numb that it could not be an issue I could recognize. Although I am sure there were still signs of it going on even then; the hyperawareness (jumping any time I was touched with out expecting it), trying to fix everyone else, self esteem issues, issues with male authority figures, etc....

Thank you for everyone's input and suggestions. I do appreciate it. My thank you button does not work on posts so that it why I have not thanked anyone individually.

[nandm]

Still having some residual effects from an earlier event that not long ago would not have affected me (or maybe I just would not have been able to recognize the feeling that it bothered me). My SO usually has the remote and flipped it over to 48 hours or 60 minutes. The show was about a woman who ran off with her daughter because she believed her ex husband was molesting her. They were interviewing both parents and showing the child being interviewed. I finally had to just say I can not watch this anymore please change it. It made me physically sick, was in the middle of an anxiety attack before I even realized it. The anxiety has stuck with me for the past 4 hours. I finally took a clonipine. (I have a prescription to use them for anxiety attacks as needed).

In retrospect it bothered me for several reasons.
* What happened to me as a child, which I can not go into at this point in life.
* The 12 years of working as a paramedic, the rape victims, children and adults as well as the trauma and death I dealt with on a daily basis.
* The nearly 20 years as a nurse dealing with the aftermath of the trauma. * What I went through with my ex husband while we were in the custody battle. I still have very conflicting feelings about his relationship with my daughter. Part of me says well the police let it go and said he passed a lie detector test and basically said that I made it up because we were in the custody battle. It is rather hard to make up being called by a preschool teacher who was told by my 2 and a half year old daughter "my daddy hurts me there" while pointing at her vagina. She also said the same thing in front of me that day. The doctors report seemed to confirm there was likely a problem. She had a small laceration inside of her, chronic yeast infections, her anus reacted in a way that was indictitive of molestation. He was and still is very possessive of her. A part of me wanted to and still would rather believe that this is because she is his only child but she technically is not. He has another child that he has seen only once that he tried to say was not his from a prior relationship that he pays support for because the court came after him. I still question what changed the police womans mind. She was ready to pursue him after speaking with me and my daughter. But once she found out that I was involved in a relationship with a woman her whole attitude changed. She never even interviewed the teacher at the school. She started defending him before she even talked to him. Then wound up making several personal visits to his home. My daughter called her his girlfriend for several months after all of it was dropped. In the South being gay is not a safe thing. There is a lot of prejudice and misconceptions. In fact my stating this may change several people who read this posts opinion of me. I really struggled with putting that in here but since it is relevant to the whole situation to leave it out would not have been right.

The fact that I did report to a teacher what my father was doing and nothing was done about it combined with the report to the police about my daughter and nothing being done about it is rather overwhelming. I carry a lot of guilt that I allowed him to take her knowing what I know. But at the time I let him take her, I was less than a year sober, was trying to recover from a serious accident (went over a cliff on a motorcycle), was in a wheelchair with a metal rod in my right thigh, muscle and tendon damage to my left leg, a fractured left wrist, a fractured right shoulder, a deep gash healing to my right shoulder. I literally almost lost both my right leg and right arm in the wreck. A tree limb was impaled in my right shoulder and my right thigh was shattered in several places. It is still 1 inch shorter than my left. I just wanted to get along, to do what was right, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I let him move over 2500 miles away with the promise he would send her for summer visits and split holidays. Needless to say the promises went out the window he will not let her fly. I have been able to fly out and see her once in the past nearly 7 years. I don't even know her at this point, she is now 12. He has tried to cut me out of her life, he tried to cut off contact from my older children with her. He has cut my parents out of her life and they live less than 30 minutes away.

I am hoping that this new psychologist will be better equiped to help with the PTSD as it has truly become disabling and overwhelming. Thanks for letting me post. I needed to write it out tonight in an attempt to let it go and get rid of some of the anxiety and stress I have been dealing with tonight. I do feel somewhat better but am hesitating about actually posting this. It has a lot of very personal and emotional information in it. I hope I am not making a mistake posting it but some feedback would be a helpful. So here goes.

[historyteach]

(((Judith)))

I'm so sorry for the trauma you have endured, physically and emotionally. It must be devestating to be cut off from your daughter in this way. Shame on your ex for doing this to her!!! (not to mention you!) It shows the complete inability of him to be a parent. Any decent parent looks to what is best for the child.

And Judith, that's exactly what *you* did at the time. You were horribly injured. You did not have the ability to care for her. And you made reasonable accomidations for frequent visitations. Again, it is *his* shame that he betrayed your trust -- and your daughters.

In my opinion, that "police officer" should have lost her job. She swore to uphold the law, and did not do so. Malfeance of duty is cause for dismissal.

Nothing at all that you have disclosed has changed my opinion of you.
And anyone that has a change of opinion, based on what you've disclosed here, well, it would say more about *their* character than yours. We -- all of us -- have no right to judge anyone else. It's not our place. But, I look at all the positives you have brought to SR, and I remain truely grateful.

We are here for you, my friend...whenever you need to talk things out...
That's *why* we're here...

Shalom!

[grateful2b]

Oh Judith, thank you for sharing.....oh my heart aches at the loss you have suffered with your daughter...I want to say in response to your earlier post when you said, "I should be well now". I say,how wonderful that you are at this point where you have finally the opportunity to heal this part of you that has been buried for so long! everything in it own time..all is unfolding as it should

[nandm]

Thank you for your kind and understanding responses. It means a lot to me.

Although I realize that all of life is a process some days are more difficult than others. I am fortunate that overall most days are pretty good. At least that is my perception. I have a lot of things to work through with the PTSD and the issues surrounding my daughter are a part of that whole process as it tends to pull up feelings from my childhood which justs ads to the anxiety and stress.

I do feel much more positive with this new therapist. She seems quite knowledgable about PTSD and treatments. I do realize it is going to take time and I need to be patient with myself. This did not happen overnight and it is a combination of many different events that have just kept triggering and adding to the original events.

I do realize I have been shut down emotionally for a long time now. An example of this is I have cried one time in almost 15 years and that was when I was large quantities of pain meds laying in the hospital after a serious accident and the nurse was demanding I get up and go to the bathroom. Rather difficult to do when you are just a few days out of surgery that placed a metal rod in your right thigh to repair the shattered bone, have tissue, muscle, and tendon damage to your left leg, a broken right shoulder, and a broken left wrist. On top of that you are not supposed to put weight on the leg you just had surgery on. Thank God for people in my life who demanded that nurse stay out of my room after that. I never had another problem with a nurse that whole time. I think she had an issue with me because I was a recovering alcoholic who had been in a motorcycle wreck. I think she prejudged me as a gutter drunk just seeking drugs. Not as a person trying their best to make their life better and made the mistake of thinking I could learn how to drive a motorcycle.

Thank you again for your kindness.

[caraway]

nandm, I've just been reading your posts. I'll reiterate what grateful2b says, my heart aches for you. I've had to use someone elses words because I'm speechless. The issues over your daughter alone, well, I just don't know what I'd do. You've been very strong to get this far and be this well. I'd be a gibbering wreck by now - seriously - I think I'd be well and truly over the edge. It sounds feeble to say, I hope things get better for you. But I do hope you get through this and continue being strong.

By the way, alot of your threads have really helped me - thanks.

[GailJ]

I find it amazing that people think us ptsd people are weak and gutless when it took so much strength and determinition to survive so many multiple traumatic ordeals. To me PTSD is a way of your mind saying OK now time to see, to feel, to heal and be whole again in body, in mind in spirit.

Keep reminding yourself that these trauma's in no way detract from your courage, your spirit, your hope and your faith. Posting the truth takes so much courage in itself, finding support and accepting help only makes us stronger.

Thankyou for showing us your courage.

[nandm]

Thank you for all of your kind words and support. It is ironic that when I look at someone else with PTSD I feel support, compassion, and empathy for them but when I look at myself with the same thing I many times tend to judge myself and think "I should be over this by now, I should be stronger." I realize now that I should show myself the same support, kindness, and understanding I would show anyone else. I am glad each of you are here, you remind me to treat myself as kind as I would treat others.

[best]

I still have an area where PTSD hits every so often.
An injury to my hand 25 years ago.

As for those who don't understand PTSD...I think the only way they will is to experience it and I would rather they walk about naive then learn what is what.
As for when it hits... I know what triggers it but never know when what triggers it will trigger it. Happens less and less as time goes on and the feelings that come with it are less and less with each time as well.

Just keep remembering... this to shall pass and it only lasts a moment.