repressed emotions

[2stop]

I am sitting here at the computer, music playing and a song comes on....my mind immediately travels to Houston, TX and partying and one of my best friends ever that lives there, she's actually an ex-friend. She's the one ended up trying to take my husband and some other things I won't detail, but she could've killed me......and I have never really grieved over it all. I loved her like my sister...she WAS family, she was wonderful, then she just nutted I guess, crack, alcohol, You need drugs in Houston you don't need a pharmacy, just go to the corner store, as I am going further in recovery I am starting to feel so much emotional pain, I tried to write my brother a letter this morning. I wrote a few lines, couldn't do anymore, the pain is so intense, my dad is home from the hospital. They didn't send him home with narcotics...so this morning he calls me tells me he tried to score at the ER...no luck, I want to be able to talk to my mother, but that really sets in some emotional pain, I know I am whining I just feel so rotten inside, and all these memories are running through my head.....I had to get them out. If you read this far I apologize for this, I don't like my BS either..just gotta vent sometimes.

Hugz,
Tammie

[SkyIsFalling42]

2stop
Your feelings are not BS! I know what you are saying about feeling the pain, some days it may seem as though it might kill us. But it doesnt. I know what it is like to be "the one out" in the family-when we dont appreciate the drugs, etc. It has always been this way for me-Im the freak in our 3 person family. I have alot of disrespect for my mother for helping my brother become an addict. My mom sold drugs when I was in jr high school and high school-she rolled up a baggie full of joints for me to sell every day. I would have to step over people passed out all over the floor to get out the door to school each morning.This is something I have not shared with my mom or brother for a veery long time, since 1980.
I truly believe that the difference in who makes it through the addictions and who doesnt is GOD. My brother says there is no God, he is 2 years older than me and is only a shell of who my brother use to be. My cousin connie and my uncle curt were both killed at a young age (the addictions) and they did not have god. Somehow, someway, God called me to him at a young age, and he saved me from the addictions.
Tammy, You have God, I know you do, I know together the two of you can do this. Im rooting for you girl and (((((((hugging))))))) you tight to my heart of sisterhood.

Love in spirit
Sky

[2stop]

Thanks for the reply, sky. I have been an addict since I was about ten but I was always so bust taking care of the "other" addicts i didn't know how to treat my own. I have been clean for 3 weeks now, Sky, I haven't made it two weeks clean for over 10 years. I am quite scared today, being sober and all every emotion i ever numbed out with those damned drugs are hitting me square in the face. I'm just glad to have ya all. you all have saved my life, an I mean that.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[SkyIsFalling42]

2stop
Foregot to say something...although it wasnt drugs, the
ptsd kept me from feeling and living. And I didnt even know it. Years of emotions, fears, pain has hit me square in the gut. I know it is so overwhelming at times, especially at first, until I had a better understanding of what was happening.
I had an idea, a suggestion....when I thought about going back to my abusive husband the last time I left him..all I had to do was keep it in my mind one thing that he had done to hurt me...I let it play over and over in my mind, and it worked for me. Do you think something like that would work for you, if you thought about something very painful that not being clean caused? Im rambling..sorry, doing that alot tonight??

Love in spirit
Sky