I feel it coming

[bluenena]

After a few weeks of very little anx... I woke up this morning with that awful tremor in the very pit of my stomache. I hate this I hope it doesn't turn in to panic. I have been doing so much better latley... I just took an ativan... hoping it will help.... I can't think of what may have triggered this. That makes it worse when you don't know where the anx comes from or why you are feeling it. I have to get my kids ready for school ... I'll write more later.

[Lilya]

Hi, Blue.

Yes, I know it. The knot in the stomack.

As I said in one of the threads, sometimes I "know" that I forgot something, that I have to do something, that brings on the angst. Then again, it can be totally physical, hormonal or something, Premenstrual tension, memory, food.

I´m sure you know by now what it is. Remember to breathe and maybe, find a sentence from a poem or play you like, or an affirmation to calm you down. I use a sentence from "Hamlet". "As night follows day, be true to yourself."

Let us know,

Love and light,

[bluenena]

I am still not sure where it is coming from. Maybe because it is about to be the weekend and I had major fights w/ my husband the last two Saturdays do to his drinking. I also caught him using meth the day before last... Maybe this belongs in a different thread. I didn't blow up at him a just let him know how much it hurts to know he is still using. I hope we can get through this weekend peacfully.

[Lilya]

Blue,

Don´t worry about the topic. It belongs here as well as anywhere, because I´m sure your husband´s drinking and substance abuse along with the weekend starting has given you anxiety.

A spouse´s substance abuse is a major stress factor. Have you tried going to Al-Anon to seek support? There is a lot of good support groups. Dealing with a spouse´s or a child´s drug abuse or drinking is simply too much for one person. You need to concentrate on you.

Maybe it wouldn´t be such a bad idea to forget the husband for a while - and find out what you want to do, what your needs are etc and ultimately what you two will do after the evaluation. Just a thought.

Love and light,

[bluenena]

Thanks....Actually I just reconciled with him in Febuary. We aren't married anymore. We were divorced in Feb of 2006 and spent a year apart.

I am happier with him and things for the most part are going well. He has tried very hard to be supportive of me throught my latest episode. I have been unable to work since July. There were a few months there that I couldn't even get out of bed. I feel I am steadily getting better.

I don't look at leaving as an option right now just because I love him and want to support him as well. He is not abusive. BUT if it were to get to the point that I felt like mine or my childrens lives would be better. I would leave.... Right now it is something we are working on together. It just isn't always easy.

[GailJ]

Blue how old are you?

[Lilya]

Blue,

I´m glad you´re happy with your husband and that he is supportive.

Good for you, you have decided you want to be with him. Hopefully he will stop using, seems like he is trying.

I didn´t know you had been so ill, Blue. Sorry to hear about that. I hope the medication is working. Remember to take your time. It takes time to get back to normal.

I was once incapable to do any work for three months. That was awful. I cannot tell you how glad I was to start working again. I was beginning to dread it, but then it turned out well. Maybe some of the anxiety is just coming from your situation and recent illness. Be good to yourself.

Love and light,

[bluenena]

Thanks...

Hi Gail, I am 29 I'll be 30 in Dec.

[GailJ]

blue do whats true to you and your health. Your a beautiful person and that is aready evedent here.

[bluenena]

Thank You Gail, it is amazing to me how far a little encouragment goes. All it takes sometimes is a kind word from someone to brighten up you whole outlook on things.

I feel myself getting a little better every day. I know that it is a process and that there will still be hard times. But I am so so greatful for this site, and all of the support everyone offers each other... Thanks Again.

[sunkensky]

It's so weird you made this post, as I was thinking on making one with a similar, if not exactly the same, title. I think I know where you're coming from. Glad you posted.

[sunkensky]

Oh. And duh. Glad you're seeming to manage well.

[GailJ]

Your right a little support does goe a long way and this site is awsome. Glad you and hubs are together on this. Have a great day

[bluenena]

I didn't sleep much last night. I am very anx this morning.

We did make it through the weekend with no fights and my husband only had a few beers Friday night.

I hate being so anx.. I kind of fight wit myself about taking my benzos. Part of me says take them that is what you have them for... But for some reason I feel guilty if I take them like I should be able to cope. I am only taking 1mg of ativan a day in two 1/2 mg doses.

I hate this.

[GailJ]

I used to feel like that too. Now I know I can't cope without them and accept the anxiety for the true illness it is.

[bluenena]

I have been so anx. all weekend!!! I keep coming really close to panic and them I
fight it off then it comes back and I feel my whole body get flush and I feel hot, my breathing is shallow and I am afraid. I hate this I just wish it would stop. I am afraid that it will get worse and cause me problems with my husband who is very demanding and has a hard time understanding my illness as just that an illness. I feel my fearful thoughts snowballing and I don't really know how to stop them. And then I ask myself if it really is an illness or is there some weakness in me that I should be able to just snap out of it. I am tired and can't sleep. I know I won't want to get up tomorrow when it's time. What is the matter with me, why can't I just function.

[sunkensky]

I am the same way. I wake up more times than not wishing I could stay in bed and sleep. All day. Some times I give in. Sometimes this is what is best for me. But you know? Most of the time I drag myself out, live life, see the world, deal with it, have my panic bits and breath, and I feel proud for having gotten through it. Sometimes we feel like giving up, but we don't deserve a life unlived do we? Go out into it. It is never as bad as you imagine. And there is always time to breath, and to find the space to gather yourself. I know how bad it is to not be able to function, and how it holds you back, but instead of giving in we have to keep on giving it hell. Hehe.

I hope you have gotten some sleep, and will feel better tomorrow.

[GailJ]

Blue did you read the emotional trauma memory management thread in the sticky's. It's very well written and I wish I had read it much earlier too. It's a long article by Morning Glory but it may really help. I had to read it bits as my concentration levels are so low but I did ge through it and glad I did. Next time you an try a hot bath, or a walk. learn some meditation and breathing techniques to help with he panic. Yoga is great too.

[bluenena]

Thanks Ladies,

Gail I have read some of this thread but not all of it. I agree that it is a good one.

I find though that most of my anx comes from fear of the future not so much the past.

I slept most of the day today well until 12:30. That only contrubuted to my feeling guilty. I didn't get up to take my youngest to kinder I feel bad about that to.

I am still anx. close to panicy. I see the Dr. on Thursday maybe she will up my celexa. I hope she doesn't try to take me off my benzos I don't feel ready.

I better go make food and do my house work. It may help to be busy.

[GailJ]

Your body's way of trying to repair itself and maybe side effects from the celexa, If you are used to insomnia as well your body is going to need time to adjust. Are you single, as in no one else who could take the little one to kinder while you recover.

[Introvrtd1]

Originally Posted by bluenena

... I woke up this morning with that awful tremor in the very pit of my stomache.

Thats me this morning......

[bluenena]

I am the only one who an take her because her dad goes to work at 6:30am. And she goes at 11:30. I have been doing pretty good. But today I just didn't want to face the day. I don't sleep well at night. But when it is morning and I need to start my day, that is when I can really sleep and have a hard time getting up to function.

[Introvrtd1]

So true.....

[GailJ]

Yep been there, when my frst episode of PTSD hit years go and I was stll single mum I spent months in bed and only wrote furously in my journal all day long. Stayed up at nigt cause it felt safer with the world being asleep and I slept whie the kids were at school. My oldest boy actually would do all the groceries at 14 yrs old and I barely got up just to cook, clean for them and make lunches and back to bed I'd go. Didn't know about ptsd at the time. Just thought it was depression. doc had me on paxils. paxils an I don't mix at all.