There is always something...

[Lilya]

The anxiety in my life is seriously making me lose some quality of life, but I am equally determined to conquer it.

A new anxiety: A friend and colleague of mine, a single and an attractive man, told me he wants more than just friendship.

That really threw me. I don´t know what to say to him.

He is really nice, trustworthy (I´ve known him for a long time), worked on his issues and deserves a good woman. I´m in no fit state for him or any man right now, except some light fun.

Also, I´m not interested in more than his friendship.

I hope it´s going to be OK. I feel frightened and could use some feedback.

Last time I had the same problem caused me anxiety for weeks. I also didn´t know how to react properly.

Love and light,

[hippyhippy]

Hi there,
I understand your anx. I would imagine you are worried of how he will react on getting a rejection? If you can continue to be friends? If he will try to persuade you away from your initial feelings? Maybe...that you will allow yourself to be swayed?

My gut reaction is to suggest complete honesty. I don't know how much your friend knows about your anx or any difficulties you may have, but I would think you should tell him what you have said here. You value his friendship but do not feel in a position to commit and the old saying 'friends can become lovers but lovers cannot become friends' (or words to that effect!) so you would worry about losing his friendship.

Good luck and try not to worry. (I know this is a ridiculous thing to say to someone with anx....I hate when my mum says it to me! But I am lost for the most appropriate ending to a post!)

Hippy

[Introvrtd1]

I agree,

Quick and upfront honesty. A true friend would understand, continue to be supportive, and carry on.

However, from a guy point of view, rejection sucks. I been there.

On that note, I got over it very quickly. Kinda learned to let things happen, instead of trying to make things happen in this case.

Hopefully he's supportive and understanding.

Hang in there.....

Intro

[Lilya]

Thanks, both of you.

He called and invited me out, but I told him not to expect anything on a more permanent basis. He said he would continue to try and that he wouldn´t take no for an answer. (!)

I told him that would probably never happen. I followed your advice, Intro and Hip. I was honest about myself. That I was a single woman with a kid to raise and business to run and real bad anxiety issues. That I was in no state for anything permanent.

He still said he knew all that, but that he would ask me again. I told him I was not comfortable with it, so he said goodbye angrily.

This really sucks. We used to go out with other friends and do nice things together.
I don´t know what to do, frankly.

Sometimes I don´t know if it´s better to be in a bored married or single like this.

What should I do? Talk to him in three weeks to see if he´s calmed down and ask him to be my friend? Or am I humiliating him?

Love and light,

[Introvrtd1]

[QUOTE=Lilya;1488238] .........I was honest about myself. That I was a single woman with a kid to raise and business to run and real bad anxiety issues. That I was in no state for anything permanent.

He still said he knew all that, but that he would ask me again. I told him I was not comfortable with it, so he said goodbye angrily.

[QUOTE]

I wouldnt be discouraged if I were you....Like I said, REAL friends would never be that way.

Obviously this guy is looking for something you were honest enough about not being ready for. Kinda sad we go thru harsh relationships before the right one comes along.

Dont give up. Take care of yourself and your kids.

You need a supportive relationship, not one that demands so much against your better judgement.

Thats just me......

One the other side of the coin, you still have the ultimate decision to deal with this however you see fit. If you feel so, give it time. He may just be venting.

Im not qualified to advise you on any of this. Its just my opinion.

Whatever happens now, who knows. Just look out for you and yours.

Intro

[Lilya]

Thanks, Intro.

It´s good to have the man´s point of view as well.

He has cancelled everything we were supposed to be working on, so I found someone else to do it. I have a feeling he is terribly hurt, but I hope he will get over it.

I have a feeling he was venting and I really hope we can be friends when this "attraction thing" is over for him. I have several good male friends, so I´m hopeful.

I really dislike hurting a friend´s feeling, Hippy, and my biggest fear is I have lost a good friend. However, after years of work in AA, I know how to let something or someone go if it´s not meant to be, friends or otherwise.

Love and light,

[GailJ]

I'm sorry to put a damper on this and you all know I am in a rough state but just wanted to say in my case honesty was and still has been my downfall in my ways. Sometimes saying to much is just too much for the other to here. Be carefull and make sure your in a healthy state of mind and body before you venture into another relationship. Make sure your confident and happy with yourself and in your own quality of life before you venture another relationship.

[Lilya]

Gail,

You´re absolutely right. Being honest is very difficult, because it can be used against you. In my marriages and relationships, my honesty was always used against me.

I believe it is human nature to lash out with it under stress and quarrels. Now, I don´t say as much as before. There can be danger about being to open. I prefer to be honest to a degree - that is not to tell the other person everything. Or, to put it differently: Be honest with the proper person.

It´s the wisdom to know the difference!

Love and light,

[Lilya]

I´m invited to a function on Sunday.

Private screening and a party afterwards in a nightclub.

My old friend, the one I had problems with, called and asked if we could go together and maybe have coffee in a fashionable place before the screening.

I was at work when he called and said yes, hopeful that he is my old friend again.

Now I have a different feeling and I regret the decision.

He asked me if I was going to the nightclub, but I said no. I hate these kind of snob functions.

I need some feedback. I don´t know what to do.

Love and light,

[scarlati]

Sorry, but he's not your old friend again. He just doesn't get your message. I know cause I'm a man and was once just like him; in denial, refusing to accept that someone doesn't share the attraction I feel for her.

Either cancel the Starbucks trip or let him know you're bringing someone else along so he'll know it's not a date. He's not getting the little hints, so it's time to kick it up a notch. And if you don't know anyone else who'll accompany you, just call him and cancel outright. Tell him straight up you don't want to meet him for coffee.

[Lilya]

Thanks, Scarlati.

Great to have a man´s point view.

The anxiety came back this night and I slept badly.

I felt I cannot go through more of this. Last year I had to report a man in his late sixties who harressed me and stalked me the whole of 2006 and the first half of 2007. I thought I had just got over the interviews with the harassment group at the University, the police, the women´s aid... confrontation with him. Finally he got the message when the police told him they could imprison him if he didn´t stay away from me, but it was tough going and gave me ulcer.

Early this morning I called two of my friends, women friends, and they are coming to the café with us. I also got tickets to the private screening for them and they´re coming!

I sent him an e-mail about the change of plans. He sent back: It´s OK.

Anxiety is gone.

I am so happy about your input, Scarlati, and how the situation was dealt with. You´re absolutely right.

Love and light,

[GailJ]

Way to go Lilya, hurray for you.

[bluenena]

[scarlati]

That's good news and you've handled things well. It's good that he didn't cancel when you told him you were bringing friends along. That implies he is either OK with just resuming the friendship or he still plans to pursue you. If he cancels or doesn't show up it might mean he's rethought the situation and decided not to pursue you further or continue the friendship.

Are the friends you're bringing along single? Maybe he'll hit it off with one of them and she'll take him off your hands.

[Lilya]

Scarlati,

I had the same thought, but found it too sarcastic to hope that a friend of mine would hit it off with a guy I don´t want, but then I decided to invite yet another woman who is not a close friend, but who I know is interested in him!

Now I have invited the third woman and got through the hassle to get another ticket for the private screening.

He will be surrounded by women Sunday evening, no doubt about it, only I won´t be in the game. I told the woman who I invited in passing, that they both know South-America and could share some stories on that.

I feel like a matchmaker, this is fun! I can´t wait to see what happens on Sunday.

Love and light,

[scarlati]

Good work. And there's nothing wrong trying to hook a friend up with a guy you don't want. That is assuming the reason you're not interested in him yourself is something harmless like you don't have anything in common or have religious differences or something. I mean, if you think he's a creepy stalker or something you don't want to be introducing him to your friends. But if he's a good guy and you know women that might like him I see no harm in offering to introduce him to some people. I guess some guys might be offended by that, but if I were hitting on a woman and she said,"You know, I'm really not interested but I'd like to introduce you to my friend," I'd be fine with that.

[Lilya]

Thanks Scarlati.

Great input and good support. I feel I´m learning.

I feel so out of it when it comes to these kinds of things, I´m almost embarrassed.

The reason why is that I´m really trying to work on my emotional issues with a therapist and a group of women, but it´s great to get a man´s point of view and I lack that in group.

I decided to get "out of the game" as they say after difficult relationships and focus on why I seem to attract very difficult or shallow men with hidden agendas.

I´m a firm believer in "you make your own luck" and I believe these problems are within me. I need to change and I feel I am changing, but until I´m ready, no guys. Also, I like being on my own.

However, I feel sick at the thought of passing someone to a friend I rejected myself and would probably be offended if a man I liked would propose I would meet his friend. I think I would be very angry! It´s interesting, Scarlati, because many healthy people find it OK. I´m going to speak to my therapist about it during our next session.

I wouldn´t introduce this man to a dog if I knew he was a creepy stalker or religious nut, LOL. N´importe quoi...

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

Love and light,

[scarlati]

Ummm, you know, now that I think about it I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice. Yeah, go see your therapist. If you ever want advice on dating a neurotic, anxious alcoholic come see me. That's more my field of expertise. Until then, good luck!

[Lilya]

Scarlati,

You have given me the best of advice and I hope you will again.

Love and light,

[Lilya]

The evening was even worse than I expected.

I went to the café with my friends, the woman who likes my ex-friend had already arrived.

He was barely civil to me, I almost had to make him say hello to me.

I really thought he was more mature than that! I thought he had worked on his issues. Apparantly not.

At the screening I managed to sit far from him, but when I headed home he gave me this hurt look, like I was the most horrible person in the world.

I felt bad when I was home, but worse when he called from the nightclub.

I got one of the worst lecture I´ve heard in a long time.

He accused me of being machiavellienne, cold-hearted and cruel and that I had set him up with a "bad looking woman" to humiliate him. And now it seems this woman is all over him.

I told him to get lost (actually used stronger language), never talk to me again and hung up. I see that he is trying to call me, but my cell is on silent and I put the house phone on silent too. I don´t want him waking up the child.

I feel really bad. This is getting me a new ulcer. A nightmare: A good friend turns into a stalker from hell... I feel I cannot deal with this.

Please, some feedback here.

Love and light,

[scarlati]

That sucks. I said in my previous post I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice and it seems I was right.

Either way, though, you haven't done anything wrong. This is his issue and he can only make you feel bad about it if you let him. What should you have done differently? You accepted the coffee invite to see if he was interested in restoring the friendship and brought friends along to make it clear that you weren't looking for a romantic evening and you let him know this ahead of time.

Instead of feeling bad about this you should really be relieved, cause you really dodged a bullet by turning down his advances. What if you had decided to start a relationship with him before you found out how immature he is?

Anyway, telling him not to talk to you again and hanging up seems like the reasonable course of action, which is what you did. If he confronts you at work let him know you want nothing more to do with him and if he starts harrassing you there talk to your human resources department. And if he keeps calling you at home you may have to file harrassment charges or get a restraining order, but it probably won't come to that. Hopefully in time he'll come to accept the situation and just move on with his life. Since I don't know him it's hard to predict how it will turn out. But really this is his issue so I don't see any reason why you should lose any sleep over it.

[Lilya]

Thank you so much, Scarlati.

No, I don´t think you were wrong. I believe the advice you gave me was right, even though my ex-friend acted this way and became a... lunatic.

It´s not the first time since my recovery. Seems like giving a strong and honest message to some people just makes them do crazy things.

I never ever wanted to be with this guy, but I must have sent some kind of signal to him that I was available, although I kept hinting and saying we would never be anything but friends.

I cannot sleep however, because this really upset me. I texted my sponsor and one of the women friends I went with to the café and screening and we had a talk. She told me I had done the right thing in every way.

It´s just bad luck this other woman was "all over him". But maybe he will see how it feels to be in my situation.

I sent him an e-mail, warning him not to contact me - ever. He probably got it on his BlackBerry. He has stopped and now I think I should try to fall asleep. It´s almost morning here.

I really hope it won´t come to restraining orders and contacting the police like with the elderly man I mentioned earlier. I don´t think I could go through with it again.

Something must be wrong about the signals I´m giving out, but I will think about it later. I will go to sleep now.

Thanks again for being there for me, Scarlati. Your support means a lot.

Love and light,

[scarlati]

I really hope it won´t come to restraining orders and contacting the police like with the elderly man I mentioned earlier. I don´t think I could go through with it again.

Unhealthy thinking. Since you've done it before you KNOW you can do it again if you have to. You probably won't have to, but through experience you've learned what to do if things get out of hand. The worst case scenario is that this turns into the same situation you had with the old man. And since you survived that you KNOW you can survive this. You've been in a bad spot, but it's not the end of the world. Not even close.

I'm confident that after you talk about all this with your therapist you'll realize that this whole situation has been blown out of proportion and that if this is your biggest problem you're really doing OK. So give us another update after your next session.

[Lilya]

Things are looking better in the light of day and I´m feeling quite OK.

I feel relieved and more confident.

Scarlati, I know I can do all the necessary things to get this guy out of my life. The procedure, however, sucks big time. I was very vulnerable and scared last night and in that state, I tend to see things as impossible.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. Will update then.

Thank God this guy is out of my life! And I find it a bit funny that this other woman is after him. Maybe she will succeed if she tries hard enough. I know she is a good woman, has seen the world and has an interesting profession. I hope...

Anyway, thanks a lot.

Love and light,

[pedagogue]

Everything is a learning experience, right?

Relational issues (interactions between two or more people) are really common, and unfortunately most people aren't willing to look at things outside of their perception. Though much of how we shape our identify comes from how we view others who view us, their 'view' is not always accurate, and often times their 'view' is tainted. It is sometimes hard to differentiate these tainted 'views' from the genuine ones, which is why it is helpful to look to others for confirmation/rebuttal. It sounds like you are starting to do this, and it will serve you well in the long term.

I liken it to asking 10 people the color of an object, and having 9 of them give colors that are all close, and then the 10th person picking a color that is quite different. Depending on how you view that 10th person will greatly effect who you believe. Often times people can't see past the color of the 10th person, even though there are 9 other opinions that suggest something to the contrary.

It sometimes can be tough to get around the idea that there are some things that are out of our control, no matter how much we'd like to have an influence over them, ultimately the decision is left to another. Sometimes that 10th person will yell until they are blue in the face that their color is correct, and nothing you can do or say will change the way they think about the color. If/when this happens, you need to ask yourself if that 10th person is worth asking in the future, considering they have shown a great deal of rigidity and fervor in the face of some pretty strong contrary options.

-p