Feeling anxious

[Lilya]

Hi everyone,

This project I´ve been organising went well, but some parts of it were not without mistakes. I made an error in judgement and am paying for it. I expect some bad press, because I hired people who did not do their job as they should, but other than that I´m relieved that it´s over.

I was offered another project but I´m wondering if it´s worth all this stress. In some ways I want to do really well this time and make up for everything that went wrong, but... I´m probably too anxious.

I would love some input. Feeling fragile and waiting for some invisible ax to fall. I´ve been swimming and going to AA meetings, but I still feel vulnerable.

Love and light,

[Introvrtd1]

Lil,

I was given a task several months ago. It was monumental. I didnt have the confidence I could do it. I said to myself, "come what may, I will get thru it".

It was difficult. I made some mistakes. I was chastized at times. Not everyone was happy with my performance all the time.

The project lasted a few months. When it was over, there was satisfaction, praises for those I was responsible for, and good things to say about the team I was in charge of.

Without being thanked directly, I knew I had succeeded.

A few months later, I was asked to do another project.

This time, I was prepared. I had more experience.

By the time it was over, I had exceeded all expectation. The project turned out very well, and there was admiration by all. Even the team members were surprised by the leadership and innovation I produced.

What Im saying is, keep going. You will get better. Very few of us get it right the first time. The more times we do something, the better we get. The more experience we gain, and the easier it is.

Its like driving..........first time its nerve racking and scary. Leaning forward while white-knuckling the steering wheel. Concentration is thru the roof. Soon, we're leaning back, have one hand one the steering wheel, arm out the window and enjoying the ride.

Dont quit!! Show em' what u got!!!

Intro

[Lilya]

Intro,

Thanks so much for your post. You´re absolutly right, I should not let this crush me.

The irony is that I have done similar projects 14 times, but this time was different. I had much more responsability and it was supposed to be a big step in a new direction. Hopefully it can still be that.

I feel more anxious than yesterday, because I have been told that negative press will follow. I do think that some people make mountains out of a molehill. The most important thing was that I did everything I did to contain the damage, but two or three people I thought were my friends used the opportunity to tell me what a failure I was. That hurt. It´s not the first time, but it´s difficult to forget.

I was definately not ready for this task and I knew it. I felt anxious and sometimes paralysed with irrational fear. Doubtless this made me more vulnerable and I didn´t have my usual self confidence to double-check, as I should have.

Love and light,






Love and light,

[Wascally Wabbit]

Originally Posted by Lilya

. Feeling fragile and waiting for some invisible ax to fall.
Love and light,

This is a classic codie feeling. Always waiting for the worse to happen.
It's a waste of time and energy. I am learning this myself.
Recently, I had this horrid feeling I was going to lose my job. I had no reason for it either. I was terrified for days. A completely unfounded fear.
I am still working.
So, I wasted all that energy and made my self sick over something I obsessed over that never happened. The meaning of "don't project into the future" is making more and more sense to me.

[Lilya]

Wascalli,

You´re so right. I keep doing this, mainly because I´m punishing myself for something that happened years ago, when I was using drugs and alcohol.

The awful thing is that some people can never forget who I was before I stopped and started in AA. One little mistake, and they ask around if I´ve started drinking again. No matter how long I have been sober, it´s always there and sometimes I let it hurt me, which I shouldn´t.

I feel a little better now. The energy is slowly coming back and I´m going swimming and then I´m taking a class in oriental dance.

I will take that other project and I refuse to look at one small mistake as a huge failure. It´s finished, I´m on to the next and I will do better.

Love and light,

[2stop]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Lilya}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Thinking of you...............Sending Love & Light your way.

[Lilya]

Thanks Tammie, ma belle.

Thinking of you too.

Love and light,

[Lilya]

As time works it´s magic and creates more distance between the difficulties I had last week, I feel better.

In the beginning of this new work week, I made some outlines for new projects while carrying out my usual work. Sometimes I think work can cure most ills! I did more swimming than usual, went to dance class and started reading some serious oriental wisdom.

I enrolled my 9 year old niece (she lives with me) into her fourth year of ballet today and we had fun looking at some new outfit on Ebay.

Here is some light fun Dalai Lama wisdom to share with you all:

1. Take into account that great love and great
achievements involve great
risk.



2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.



3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect
for others, and
responsibility for all your actions.



4. Remember that not getting what you want is
sometimes a wonderful stroke
of luck.



5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them
properly.



6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.



7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take
immediate steps to correct
it.



8. Spend some time alone every day.



9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of
your values.



10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.



11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you
ll be able to enjoy it a second time.



12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the
foundation for your life.



13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with
the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.



14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve
immortality.



15. Be gentle with the earth.



16. Once a year, go some place you've never been
before.



17. Remember that the best relationship is one in
which your love for each
other exceeds your need for each other.



18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in
order to get it.



19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.


Light and love,

[Barto]

I like it!

[Lilya]

Sometimes there is a gut feeling, sometimes there is irrational fear. The problem is to "have the wisdom to know the difference".

Turns out my fear about the outcome of the project was not irrational. The ax did fall and I´ve been in and out of meetings with angry executives. I´m hoping the worst is over, because we have done everything we can to correct our mistakes, but when people want to make mischief, they do.

I´m dealing with a difficult, volatile person who screams at me one minute, then hugs me and calls me "darling" the next. That person is writing e-mails all over the place with deep, emotional propaganda against me and my business. Can´t wait to get out of the country and be thousand miles away from them.

I´m letting go right now. I´ve done my very best and now it´s time to let Higher Power take over. That´s it. C´est terminé! I´m off ot the movies.

Love and light,

[Lilya]

The day is over, my guests have gone and I´m trying to settle down after this last anxiety attack.

Had a long talk with my therapist, she gave me two hours and I needed them.

I talked to her about my ability to cope with real crisis and then get all anxious over small things. I told her about when I was trapped inside a railwaystation in London during an IRA bombing and how calm I was. She explained to me at that moment, I had surrendered, because I couldn´t control the situation. My fate was in other hands and I recognized it at that moment.

She said there is a way to balance this out and suggested we worked on it this winter. She led me through a session of relaxation and lessons in letting go. It was really good.

I feel I´m getting somewhere. I could finish my workday, shop for my dinner party and then having my guests over. It was great. We had a fun night.

I really want to thank those who have been there for me. It is not over yet... that´s for sure.

Love and light,

[sunkensky]

I'm glad you were able to work through some techniques and still enjoy some of your day. I know how difficult that can be after an exhausting attack. Very strong of ya! Awesome.

[Lilya]

Thanks, Sunkensky.

Today was a good day. I picked my niece up from school, took her to some meetings and then took her to ballet. It was so relaxing to sit and watch with the other moms and dads and I was so proud of her. Afterwards I took her to a real restaurant, then I went for an evening swim while her grandmother looked after her.

I keep thinking today: One hour at a time. Or even half an hour.

Hope everyone is feeling better?

Love and light,

[sunkensky]

Sounds like a good day! Makes me miss my goddaughter...

hehe.

I'm still having some panic, but I keep thinking back to the days before I learned how to control some of it and am thankful I'm not in that place again. I am tired all of the time, though. But actually generally pretty happy. At least today. Wish fall would hurry up and come. I always get a fresh dose of clarity in the fall.

[Lilya]

Hi,

Just needing some support. I´m leaving for the States with my 9 year old girl, and I am stressed out.

This is supposed to be such a fun thing fur us, but right now I feel overwhelmed.

I´m sure we´ll have a great time, I just need some peace of mind.

The problem is I have to finish two projects before we leave, and it´s nowhere near the end. I couldn´t work, so I´m going to a spa for two hours.

I would love some feedback.

Love and light,

[Barto]

You know me. My feedback is to watch out for the caffeine and enjoy the heck out of the spa!!! When are you coming to the states?

[Lilya]

Hi Barto,

I´m flying in tomorrow.

Yes, I know about the caffeine. I only had a cup this morning.

The anxiety is going down since I both went to the spa and am halfway through the project. I´ll finish it late tonight!

Then the land of free, home of the brave. If they let me in!

Love and light,

[bluenena]

You can get through it Lil... I hope you have a super time here in the states.

Hang in there.

[Lilya]

Thanks Blue,

I´m about to finish my project. I cannot get my little one to sleep, she is so thrilled.

I´ve been to the States many times, mainly the West coast, Washington State and Chicago. I love it.

I´ll see you all later. Hope you´re all well until I´m back.

Love and light,

[sunkensky]

Happy/Safe Travels!

[Lilya]

Well, it´s back to daily life for me after a wonderful adventure.

I realized many things about my life that are making me anxious and I want to change them.

One is that I have been getting too overwhelmed and then my organization skills go out the window.

I just got home and saw the post all piled up. One is from the Income tax and normally I would open it like a maniac and then try to get hold of someone before the office closes, but I know it´s not necessary. My affaires are in order and I can deal with the Income tax on Monday.

I´m not opening the letter until then.

Then I realized my life lacks spice. I need more fun, new people and new entertainment. My life is stale. I want to change that too.

Lots of things to consider. My trip opened my eyes and I´m not anxious today.


Love and light,

[Lilya]

I want to reach my new goals in six months, so here goes:

1. New project was accepted so the next thing to do is to organize fundings before November 15th and do deals with the TV and University.

a. Before October 15th: Get an appointment with XX and apply for fundings. Plan B: apply to three other organizations.
b. Before October 30th: Get an appointment with the TV for the deal.
c. Before November 15th: Get in touch with the people who want to do the symposium and get it ready.

2. Project 2:

1. Ready in 5 months. Deadline February.
2. Before December 1st: Gather together all information
3. Edit before January 31st
4. Next two months: Saturday and Sunday: Work on it with the goal to finish.

Same goes for Project 3.

I´m going to check each item off when it´s finished and then update.

I believe organization skills can really help anxiety. When I see this outlined, I don´t need to be afraid. This will be my safe place and it´s also good to know I´m getting somewhere with all this. Which means I have to deliver.

Love and light,

[bluenena]

I am glad you are feeling well. I agree I was just thinking this morning, "If only I were more organized I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed."

Keep it up, your doing good.

[Lilya]

Thanks Blue,

I was wondering how you´re doing. Well, I hope?

Next project is health and fitness.

There have been so many things going on in my life since last February that I haven´t had the time to practice my dance and drink Green tea.

I need to start drinking more of it, because it´s good for me and keeps me in shape. It´s also good for the skin, makes it glow.

1. I bought a tea pot today and some variations of the tea.

Then I need to practice more steps and movements. I´m bored with it because I´ve danced for more than 6 years.

1. I decided to spice it up with flamenco and yoga and start slowly, just twice this week, but keep up my swimming.

What do you do for staying in shape? It´s really good for anxiety.

Love and light,

[GailJ]

Wow Lilya, You made great achievements in life and it sounds as if you are trying to live life to the fullest. Very inspirational to an agorophobic like me. You should be very proud of your accomplishments and don't let negative dopes with hurtfull comments get to you.