Dramatic Introduction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
Dramatic Introduction
Well here I am. I've been hanging out on the family and friends of alcoholics forum on and off for years. I've always been prone to anxiety and living with an alcoholic doesn't help but recent events have me more overwhelmed than usual.
Here's my story. My mother was married 4 times before dying from cancer at just over 40. Her first husband was my birth father. He sexually abused me on many occasions but I never thought about it until I was a teenager. When the memories surfaced, I fell apart. My life had already been filled with an exteme amount of pain and loss (too much to list here now) but this was just more than I could take. I ran away from home and did a lot of wild and crazy things. When I confronted my birth father about the things he had done, he told me I should forgive him for my sake. He didn't need my forgiveness because he was forgiven by god. I tried to talk to my grandparents on his side of the family but my grandfather said I was crazy and he wouldn't let me talk to my grandmother. That was the last I had anything to do with my birth family for 30 years.
Via the internet, I've been able to keep tabs on my birth family enough to remind myself that going no contact was the right thing to do. There was nothing good about them for me to miss. I was lucky to have escaped. But recently, I found an uncle that I immediately felt connected to. My memories of my childhood are fleeting but I do remember he was considered the black sheep of the family and my mother and I liked him. The only tangible thing I remember about him is of his visiting my house and my hugging him good-bye, not wanting him to go. I'm not even sure that memory is real.
I found this uncle on facebook and really liked the things I read about him. I made new e-mail and facebook accounts before contacting him. First of all, the names I've gone by for the last 30 years have nothing to do with my birth name so there's no way anyone could find me. Secondly, I made up an entirely different name for the new accounts so my identity would remain safe regarless. When I contacted my uncle, all I said was that I saw he was still the black sheep of the family and I asked him what made him different. He responded with a long message that I really appreciated. We went back and forth like that a couple of times. Without my asking, he disclosed that his oldest brother (my birth father) wasn't welcome in his life. Eventually, I disclosed who I was and he said he'd been looking for me for years.
We've been exchanging e-mails most days for a couple of weeks now. He understands that I never want my birth father's name associated with me and seems to be respecting my boundaries. He offered drive about 10 hours to come visit and I told him I couldn't meet with him yet because I have commitments every weekend until April. We're talking about meeting in a couple of months. I am terrified!!! After 30 years of not caring about any of my birth family, suddenly I care too much about this uncle. My abandonment issues are screaming at me for having put myself in this position. A lot of the time, I can't even breath. Especially if I don't hear from him for a day or two.
On top of everything else, I found out from my uncle, my birth father molested all 4 of his siblings, all 4 of his children and god only knows how many of his sunday school students. Apparently all his victims, except my uncle and myself, believe in forgiving and letting god be the one to judge. By the way, I've always been an athiest but now I am a raging athiest.
I'm really trying to think positively, be grateful for everything I have to be grateful for, be grateful that I have an uncle who I care about and who cares about me, but part of me just wants cry and hide under the covers... at least until I remember how to breath again. I take L-Tryptophan to sleep at night and I have valium if I need it during the day but I choose not to take it very often. I've been exercising to the point of being completely spent instead.
I feel so alone with all of this. I can't talk to my husband about it. I can't really talk about it much to anyone because nobody can relate.
Can anyone here relate?
Here's my story. My mother was married 4 times before dying from cancer at just over 40. Her first husband was my birth father. He sexually abused me on many occasions but I never thought about it until I was a teenager. When the memories surfaced, I fell apart. My life had already been filled with an exteme amount of pain and loss (too much to list here now) but this was just more than I could take. I ran away from home and did a lot of wild and crazy things. When I confronted my birth father about the things he had done, he told me I should forgive him for my sake. He didn't need my forgiveness because he was forgiven by god. I tried to talk to my grandparents on his side of the family but my grandfather said I was crazy and he wouldn't let me talk to my grandmother. That was the last I had anything to do with my birth family for 30 years.
Via the internet, I've been able to keep tabs on my birth family enough to remind myself that going no contact was the right thing to do. There was nothing good about them for me to miss. I was lucky to have escaped. But recently, I found an uncle that I immediately felt connected to. My memories of my childhood are fleeting but I do remember he was considered the black sheep of the family and my mother and I liked him. The only tangible thing I remember about him is of his visiting my house and my hugging him good-bye, not wanting him to go. I'm not even sure that memory is real.
I found this uncle on facebook and really liked the things I read about him. I made new e-mail and facebook accounts before contacting him. First of all, the names I've gone by for the last 30 years have nothing to do with my birth name so there's no way anyone could find me. Secondly, I made up an entirely different name for the new accounts so my identity would remain safe regarless. When I contacted my uncle, all I said was that I saw he was still the black sheep of the family and I asked him what made him different. He responded with a long message that I really appreciated. We went back and forth like that a couple of times. Without my asking, he disclosed that his oldest brother (my birth father) wasn't welcome in his life. Eventually, I disclosed who I was and he said he'd been looking for me for years.
We've been exchanging e-mails most days for a couple of weeks now. He understands that I never want my birth father's name associated with me and seems to be respecting my boundaries. He offered drive about 10 hours to come visit and I told him I couldn't meet with him yet because I have commitments every weekend until April. We're talking about meeting in a couple of months. I am terrified!!! After 30 years of not caring about any of my birth family, suddenly I care too much about this uncle. My abandonment issues are screaming at me for having put myself in this position. A lot of the time, I can't even breath. Especially if I don't hear from him for a day or two.
On top of everything else, I found out from my uncle, my birth father molested all 4 of his siblings, all 4 of his children and god only knows how many of his sunday school students. Apparently all his victims, except my uncle and myself, believe in forgiving and letting god be the one to judge. By the way, I've always been an athiest but now I am a raging athiest.
I'm really trying to think positively, be grateful for everything I have to be grateful for, be grateful that I have an uncle who I care about and who cares about me, but part of me just wants cry and hide under the covers... at least until I remember how to breath again. I take L-Tryptophan to sleep at night and I have valium if I need it during the day but I choose not to take it very often. I've been exercising to the point of being completely spent instead.
I feel so alone with all of this. I can't talk to my husband about it. I can't really talk about it much to anyone because nobody can relate.
Can anyone here relate?
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Nothappy, welcome.
Iīm sorry about the pain and hurt youīve dealt with and I can definately relate to that. I was abused as well, but not by anyone in my family. I went through CBT, yoga and AA to work on that and I donīt think about it anymore.
All of this must have come up when you heard from your Uncle. It must be eciting to get in touch with such a close relative, but difficult as well because he is a link to your traumatic childhood.
Iīm sure there will be more members whoīll reply and hopefully they can relate more.
Does your husband resent the idea or canīt he simply not relate?
Best of luck to you.
Iīm sorry about the pain and hurt youīve dealt with and I can definately relate to that. I was abused as well, but not by anyone in my family. I went through CBT, yoga and AA to work on that and I donīt think about it anymore.
All of this must have come up when you heard from your Uncle. It must be eciting to get in touch with such a close relative, but difficult as well because he is a link to your traumatic childhood.
Iīm sure there will be more members whoīll reply and hopefully they can relate more.
Does your husband resent the idea or canīt he simply not relate?
Best of luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Lilya 
Nothappy, welcome.
Does your husband resent the idea or canīt he simply not relate?
Best of luck to you.
Does your husband resent the idea or canīt he simply not relate?
Best of luck to you.
We're actually going through a good phase right now because we only see each other on weekends and he doesn't drink then. He isn't discouraging me from getting to know my uncle but I know better than to share with him just how vulnerable I am right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
You seem to have reached an agreement with your husband, but Iīm sorry you cannot confide in him.
Have you talked to a therapist? Itīs such a big thing to go through on your own, you should use all the support you can find.
There are also forums for reunions like these, but the ones Iīve heard of are for adoptive children and birth parents. You might find this one useful, at least reading descriptions of reunions:
Birthparents - Adoption.com Forums
Have you talked to a therapist? Itīs such a big thing to go through on your own, you should use all the support you can find.
There are also forums for reunions like these, but the ones Iīve heard of are for adoptive children and birth parents. You might find this one useful, at least reading descriptions of reunions:
Birthparents - Adoption.com Forums
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: germany
Posts: 23
Hi Nothappy,
sorry to hear tthat you are not doing fine. I can relate to your story; I also come from a dysfunctional familiy with an abusing father. After I got sober I had to deal with these ghosts and the darkness they brought...Sexual abuse is a big issue and though I have been going to AA I also needed professional support . I could not have handled these issuses of rage, sorrow and helplessness by my own... For me this was a long process, a long way . But without my therapist this would have been simply too much for me. Do you have a (good) therapist ?
This process began 20 years ago. In my life today I don`t think about it very often anymore. And if I think of it all the pain is just a memory, it lost itīs sharpness.
And regarding forgiveness; well , my impression is that specially when it comes to sexual abuse some people are really quick and esasy to urge the victims to forgive. I have no idea why that is like that but my speculatuion is that some people just cannot stand such a horrible crime as sexual abuse. Forgiveness might be the last step on a long road. But it might also happen that the anger is too big that ther eis no room for forgiveness. And thatīs o.k. too.
Best Wishes
Sabine
sorry to hear tthat you are not doing fine. I can relate to your story; I also come from a dysfunctional familiy with an abusing father. After I got sober I had to deal with these ghosts and the darkness they brought...Sexual abuse is a big issue and though I have been going to AA I also needed professional support . I could not have handled these issuses of rage, sorrow and helplessness by my own... For me this was a long process, a long way . But without my therapist this would have been simply too much for me. Do you have a (good) therapist ?
This process began 20 years ago. In my life today I don`t think about it very often anymore. And if I think of it all the pain is just a memory, it lost itīs sharpness.
And regarding forgiveness; well , my impression is that specially when it comes to sexual abuse some people are really quick and esasy to urge the victims to forgive. I have no idea why that is like that but my speculatuion is that some people just cannot stand such a horrible crime as sexual abuse. Forgiveness might be the last step on a long road. But it might also happen that the anger is too big that ther eis no room for forgiveness. And thatīs o.k. too.
Best Wishes
Sabine
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
I did go to therapy for years. The last therapist I saw twice a week for years... until he died. I've been doing just fine with my past for a long time. It's just contacting this uncle has triggered so much. Most of all, I felt such an immediate connection to him and now I feel too invested in the outcome. It's abandonment issues above and beyond anything I could have imagined. And it's complicated by other things as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: germany
Posts: 23
Well, I wish you the very best for contacting your uncle. For myself , it was always difficult to deal with familiy -members; the most difficult part was to give up hopes and expectations.
Best Wishes
Sabine
Best Wishes
Sabine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
Good news. After a few weeks of e-mails, I spoke to my uncle tonight for the first time in 30 years. He helped fill in a couple of holes in my memory and even the sad stuff we talked about didn't upset me. And... I can breath. At least for now.
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