Holiday anxiety, negative thoughts, etc

[nofuninsuds]

I don't even know where to begin.

I disowned my parents a few months ago and I suspect they have now turned my sister (among others) against me because this year, not only did I not get even so much as a simple Christmas card from them but I didn't get anything from my sister either (highly unusual). The only person who sent me a card was my brother and it was one of those meaningless "mass-mail" cards where you buy a box of 50 and then mail them out to people you don't really care that much about.

I don't make friends easily at all (I'm angry, bitter, kind of weird and overly sensitive/defensive). I have a history of childhood abuse at the hands of my father while my mother stood by and did absolutely nothing about it. I lived out on the streets for years and not one person in my family stepped forward to help me, in and out of psychiatric hospitals, group homes, etc and just generally spent my young adult life being kicked around by other people like some sort of mangy alley cat. I've also suffered most of my life from anxiety, OCD, depression, panic attacks, Tourette's, alcoholism...you name it. I also take lots of meds for my problems.

I feel all alone. Like the entire world hates me. I just don't get along with people well at all and I don't know whether it's me or them. I recently went through a battery of medical tests. It was one of the few times I have left the house and I ran into not less than three very rude people at various places. Why does everyone have to be so rude and nasty - especially during the holidays?. When your rude to someone, it rubs off and the person you are rude too is more likely to be rude to the next person they meet.

I guess I'm a pretty rude and nasty person too. Jaded by life. Bitter because of my past. A lot of pent-up angst. I had a major fit yesterday because my best friend and room mate bought a stalk of celery for $1.29 and I had told him not to buy anything that wasn't on the "list". Then I started drinking beer and spent a good half hour going on a tyraid about it. What the heck is wrong with me?. I'm 44/M. Am I just becoming a "grumpy old man"?.

Anyway, I'm trying to put on a happy face for Christmas. I have to bake pies today and do some last minute things. This is supposes to be a "happy" time of year and yet it's really just like any other day and life doesn't really care what day of the month it is. Everything is always the same.

Anyway, thanks for listening and allowing me to share. I can assure everyone on this forum, this planet that if you met me in "real life" you would hate me within minutes - even though I wouldn't have to do anything to provoke it. People just don't like me. I sleep with farm animals (don't get the wrong idea here!), I pee in a jug, poo in a pot, shout obscenities (Tourette's), rarely bathe, I'm very anti-social and I just have a "way" about me that totally turns people I don't even know off to me. I've been told that I am "different" and that I walk to the "beat of a different drummer" so maybe I'm just a freak of nature or something. It's a very lonely life and instead of feeling all "festive", I find myself thinking scary or negative thoughts and seething about things people have said or done to me in the past.

- NFIS

[Morning Glory]

NFIS,

I had to learn that being different is ok. It's not easy being different from the rest of the world. Going through trauma and abuse as a child makes life hard on us. The more you learn to like yourself the more others will like you. If they don't like you that's ok too. 50% of the people will like you and 50% won't like you. It makes it hard too because a lot of us cope by isolating and then our social life really suffers. Normal events and situations are too stimulating for us. We withdraw to cope.

Try to be nice to yourself and try to love yourself as you would want someone else to love you. It really helps.

Hugs,
MG