"tough Love" or "Kid Gloves" for daughter's mental illness

[miss communicat]

This is a little OFF TOPIC being that its about a mental health concern, but since I am an alcoholic, and most of my posting goes on over here at this forum, I feel pretty familiar here. If anyone has had experience with thi, please let me know. Thanks

Sorry in advance for how long this ended up being.


BG: I live on the east coast, and, till May, my daughter lived on the west coast. (shes 26). She is not fully functioning due to emotional and psychological problems, and she refuses treatment or therapy. For example, she suffers from panic/anxiety and being in cars triggers it, so she cannot and will not drive a car. She is also a hypochondriac and OCD, to the degree that she cannot/willnot work in various enviornments , thinking the air is toxic and that it will kill her or cause her to go crazy.

She is obsessed to the same degree about her diet. Everything must be organic or else she fears that she will get immediately ill. Now she has added "stress" to the list of offenders that she must avoid, fearing that "stress" will cause her to have a heart attack.

So, she came to my house in May with no money, virtually homeless, with an ever changing (head-spinninly unstable and chaotic) plan for where to move to. Literally, she changed plans daily. It was agreeed that she would not stay at my home for more than a few weeks, but, she had NO money and NO means to leave. This was trying for me, but I held up.

She is limited in her options because her "next" place has to be a city which is bicycle-friendly, temperate, free of air pollution, and affordable. (meaning $300 month for an apartment of her own)

I disengaged from her process, knowing that I needed to maintain my own stability and just be an anchor. I was either neutral or supportive, of all announced plans and new ideas, no matter that I felt she was spinning her wheels.

I also employed her in my business so she could gather some money to move on with. This part was very difficult for me because she would not show up some days, saying work is too stressful. (the job was to label aromatherapy bottles while listening to music)

OK. So, last Tuesday, she asked to go to the ER b/c she felt her heart was failing and she wanted to get it checked. She found out that: her heart is fine and the Doc told her to "avoid stress".

Next, night before last, she is doubled over, saying she cannot breathe, her heart hurts, it feels like a heart attack, and she begs for a ride to the ER, in a panic. It was 1am. I said, "ok. Get in the car. Lets go."

A mile away from the house, she says she's fine, and wants to go home. I told her that I don't take heart attacks lightly and that I AM taking her to the hospital. My reasoning was to get her to get some sort of medical/psych attention, because she really needs it.

At this, she begins to freak out, furious that I will not take her back home on demand, so she opens the car windows and proceeds to shriek, at the top of her lungs, "I'm dying. Let me out of this car so I can die out in nature. I want to die outside!" bla bla bla. This continued ALL the way to the ER.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with her heart and they told her to avoid stress. (note: my life style is about as tranquil and stress-less as it could be. I live in a rural setting, run a yoga studio and enjoy life with animals and flowers)

So, today was the end of the line for this insanity: I told her she must either get to a psychologist, get medication and counseling, which I offered to pay for, or leave. Immediately, as in by tomorrow. I will spare you most of the sordid details, but it was not pretty. It became traumatic, dramatic, mean, violent, insane. She finally packed up, after lots of horrible attacks on me, saying that I am abusive (I think she interprets a healthy boundary as evil)
and am the cause of her problems.

She opted NOT to get treatment and to leave, to visit her father. Her decision, however, changed at the VERY last moment, from wanting to get on the train to see her father, to wanting to be admitted to a "mental hospital" (her worsd). At this point, she was disintegrated on the floor in a heap of tears. It was terribly painful to see.

On the way to the hospital, she tried to cause a car accident, and succeeded in breaking my windshield. I am a basket case. She did admit herself to a walk-in ER, but she refused to allow me in to see or visit or even call her. I tried to inform the nurse of her actions so that they would take her case seriously, because now I think she is dangerous to herself and others, but, the nurse would not talk to me because she is an adult.

Thats where things stand right now. I am hurting soo much over this. I feel terrible, sometimes feeling guilty even though intellectually I know I did not cause this. The mean things she said, like that she feels she is dying of a broken heart because I don't love her and never have, are just too much to take.

Is there anything at this point that I can do to get her help or do I have to let it go? She does NOT drink or take drugs of any kind. She may be alcoholic, (both of her parents are) but this is not a substance-related issue. She was diagnosed Bi Polar years ago, in addition to the Anxiety/Panic, OCD, and ADD. It does seem like she is open, finally, to getting medical help, which is good. But, I also think that she will be released and nothing will change and that her life will just spiral way down.

I called my sponsors in AA and Alanon who helped alot and they are both advising tough love. It feels harsh to me. Is that appropriate in Mental Illness?
__________________

[laurie6781]

Miss C I am so sorry, but there is really not much you can do for her, she is an adult. One thing though is I would suggest the breaking of the windshield be reported to the police, as then it will definitely be added to her 'medical record' as a possible 'danger to herself and others.'

I personally would not use the term "tough love" in this circumstance, but more a Setting of Boundaries, being firm and sticking to them. Being consistent. Repeating the same thing over and over until it gets through her ADD and OCD.

Other than that I can only submit for your perusal something that was sent to me recently that has helped me a lot;

"Letting Go"

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off....
It's the realization that I can't control another.....

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.
~ ~ ~ ~ author unknown ~ ~ ~ ~

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Love and (((((to all))))),

[liveweyerd]

I am rooting for the psychologist, medical management.
best wishes,
live

[miss communicat]

Laurie,

Thank you soooo much. I love that Letting Go piece alot. It calms me just to read it. And your distinction between tough love and setting boundaries is helpful!

Livewyred,
I'm rooting for medical assistance too! Thanks so much!

[liveweyerd]

I am mentally ill, my daughter took me to the Dr and totally ratted me out, it was the beginning of recovery.
She loved, loves me greatly.
She's my pride and joy.

live

[miss communicat]

live,
Thanks so much for sharing that with me. How did she do it? Did you resist? If you prefer to PM me, I would really appreciate it. Thanks! And I'm so happy you are here.
((((hugs))))

[CarolD]

Prayers and Hugs for both of you..

[liveweyerd]

She told me she was making me a Dr appmt, would pay for it and would take me....the next day/soonest possible. I was very sick, I went dressed down for the mental ward. I was put on antidepressants that have saved my life and I have accepted that this treatment is a wonder of modern medicine. My depression is genetic, chemical, environmental (traumas)...over-determined....and progressive. I have had this since shortly after puberty, been on and off meds, but...progressive, I don't want to see if I have another recovery in me, tho' I love recovering.

live

[miss communicat]

live, thanks!

My D just called. She agrees to go to a doctor tomorrow finally. I pray this will be a turning point. like yours.

[liveweyerd]

Are you going in with her? My daughter kind of did a family intervention with the Dr.
It helped me, but that is our relationship.

[miss communicat]

ok. I will TRY to get in the door. She is so fearful, though.

[liveweyerd]

Hold her hand in compassion, in your style.
Strong loving.

[miss communicat]

you mean, not like ?

this instead? got it! Thanks

((hugs to you! ))

[miss communicat]

oooops. I didnt mean to thank MYSELF!!! wrong button.

[CarolD]

You should thank yourself for reaching out!

Tell the nurse and your daughter you will go in as you are paying for the visit

Wait until you get called in before sharing this.

[mygirls_mylife]

Best of luck to you and your daughter.