A Long, Familiar Story - My Story

[jechante]

There are several things I want to say about the way I drink. I apologize in advance for the long, rambling nature of this entry. It’s taken a while to get up the nerve to write this, and I have a lot to say.

I have always detested labels, whether they are designer ones on clothing, or personal ones on me. I resist being pigeonholed by a label. So am I an alcoholic? What exactly is an alcoholic, beyond the over-dramatized Hollywood stereotypes we are shown? Is he someone who drinks over a certain amount per day? Someone who can’t get through the day without a drink? Is there one objective definition?

My own definition is this: an alcoholic is a person for whom the negative effects of drinking alcohol outweigh the positive ones. By that definition, yes, I qualify. I’d like to write down exactly how.

I define myself a great deal by what I do. I am in my mid-fifties, an opera singer by profession, and I made my sole living this way for many years. These days, though I also work at a day job to help pay the mortgage. Combined with my singing, this often means that I work 70 to 80 hours a week. In what passes for my spare time, I enjoy athletics. I’ve run more marathons than I can remember and I’ve completed 4 Ironman triathlons. I also love writing and have had several pieces published over the years. Looking back on my life so far, I find it amazing that I was also able to consume vast oceans of alcohol as well. Did I ever sleep???

In many ways I'm a pretty functional alcoholic. I've never lost a job, ruined a marriage or alienated a friend through my drinking (though I believe I have at one time damaged all three). I've never driven my car into a ditch, a lamppost or a person (but just barely escaped on all three, Thank God). I've had a fairly successful life and many things have gone well for me.

But at some point in the past year, I stopped liking myself as a drinker and started hating myself.

When I drink, I don't get falling down drunk, or become violent or abusive. I don't weep into my beer and call up old lovers. I don’t stagger around bewailing the decline of the British Monarchy or sermonizing on the death of Rock and Roll. Here's the thing though: once I start drinking, I don't stop. I drink every day, and I have not, in the past several years, ever stopped drinking before I was totally intoxicated. When I take my first drink, with very few exceptions, I know that my day is over as far as usefulness is concerned, and that it will end with my unconsciousness.

Another thing: from April 2004 to April 2005 I kept a spreadsheet record of how many units of alcohol I consumed, and what the approximate expense was. In that 12-month period, I managed to spend at least $6000 on booze. And I don't spend a lot of time in the pub racking up huge bar bills; I do most of my drinking in front of the TV or reading a book.

But as alarming as this stuff is, none of it would have been enough to drive me to abstinence. I felt I had these aspects of my drinking under a certain amount of control, or at least, predictability. I was wrong of course.

Three years ago I took a survey which revealed that I drank more than 97% of the population does. The scary thing is that I drink more now than I did three years ago. I can tell this by my journal, which says that in 2003 I was regularly consuming about 30 units of alcohol a week. This is a little more than twice what the generally accepted limit is supposed to be, although I don't think it's by any means a lethal dose. However, by this past fall I was drinking 6 to 9 units per day, or 40 - 50 per week. So the amount is climbing, although I thought it was staying level.

Another thing is that some time ago I started to experience alcoholic blackouts. This has happened to me on numerous occasions, more so in the past 12 months. I can't count the number of movies I've sat through with my family for which I have no idea of the ending. I remember once raving to my kids about some movie or other that I had just seen. “We saw that one,” they informed me, “Last year.” I have had phone conversations about which I remembered nothing at all. I can admit that I have absolutely no recollection of the last Christmas dinner at my parents' house. I was obviously more or less functional, carried on conversations and managed to get through the evening. But my memory is a complete blank; I might as well not have been there. I am not by nature a maudlin person, but it occurred to me that there might not be that many Christmas dinners left to have with my parents, who are both in their eighties.

I don't want to go into the effect this has had on my family. I pray that my children, especially my daughter, still think well of me, but they must get frustrated when I pass out in front of them night after night. My wife has basically given up on me. It is not in her personality to suffer fools for very long, and she has known me as a heavy drinker for over 25 years. When I tried to discuss my plan for sobriety with her, she responded by telling how furious she had been with me the last time I was drunk. I think she’s been furious for a long time and I’m not sure this is a relationship I can manage to repair.

As I write this, I am sober, and have been since January 1 2006, with a one-day slip on January 6th. That one night that I did drink reinforced all the reasons I had stopped. I drank 4 large cans of beer and a whole bottle of wine, went to bed drunk and was hung over the next day, with no memory of the latter part of the evening. So much for moderation.

It’s not all gloom and doom. I enjoy being sober much more than I enjoyed being drunk. I have more energy, more free time and more money. I am experiencing for the first time things that other people take for granted: a clear head at night and in the morning, no worries ever about driving home, the idea that I, not a bottle, will choose my immediate future.

I have also experienced crushing depression, not helped by many very stressful incidents in the past month at work. I am by turns, surly, negative and downright unpleasant sometimes. The bottle is a lovely place to hide. Outside it, I feel exposed, unprotected and alone. The urge to run home to a drink has been very strong these past few weeks, more so than I would have anticipated; but I haven’t, yet.

There is one speech in the movie When a Man Loves a Woman that hits home with me. Meg Ryan’s character, Alice, expresses fear about living a life without alcohol, not so much because of her actual addiction, but because she’s afraid she won’t know who she is as a sober person. Her whole persona is commingled with her drinking habit. This is something with which I can identify; my life has been dissolved in alcohol for so many decades that I have no idea who I am without it.

Someone who knows me well once described me as a person who drinks till the bottle is empty. I take this to mean not only in the literal sense, but also in the way that I don’t like doing things by half measures. Hence the history of marathon running, extreme endurance sports… and overdrinking. Being this type of person, I am always going to find it hard to moderate my life. Therefore, for today, total abstinence is the path I’m following. I can attest to the fact that it’s a difficult path, and not for everyone. For me though, this is a marathon I really want to complete.

If you have read this long note through to the end, thank you for caring enough to absorb my story. It means a great deal to be able to share my thoughts with you.

Chris (jechante)

[CarolD]

Welcome to our Alcoholism forum Chris

Yes....blackouts are a frightening experience.
I lost most of a decade and still sloshed on.
When I quit... so did the blackouts.

Thank you for sharing....Congratulations on your sober time !

[bikewench]

Chris...

Your drinking is obviously causing you much pain.
Yes.. it's no doubt time to put the bottle down...


The fear of not being able to take life sober or straight...
I knew that fear as well.
and so we should.
Where and who have we been for the last number of years....??
there was nobody home.... so.. really.. we have an empty house to go home to.

But.. on the up side.. ;o)
and empty house..
well.. one can do wonders...

You've obviously accomplished a lot in your life.. and I pat you on the back for that.

But now.. the hardest and largest accomplishment.

A relationship with yourself.


When we first use to escape... and that cycle grows and takes us over..
We are lost to ourselves from that point on... so...
You got a whole new you to get to know.. ;o)


One day at a time...
our lives will unfold beyond our wildest dreams if we let it happen.

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by jechante

My own definition is this: an alcoholic is a person for whom the negative effects of drinking alcohol outweigh the positive ones. By that definition, yes, I qualify. I’d like to write down exactly how.

But at some point in the past year, I stopped liking myself as a drinker and started hating myself.

Here's the thing though: once I start drinking, I don't stop. I drink every day, and I have not, in the past several years, ever stopped drinking before I was totally intoxicated. When I take my first drink, with very few exceptions, I know that my day is over as far as usefulness is concerned, and that it will end with my unconsciousness.

Another thing is that some time ago I started to experience alcoholic blackouts.

Only you can determine if you are an alcoholic. Regardless of the label, you have described the symptoms and behaviors of the rest of us who have come to the realization that yes, indeed, we are. I fought the label for years. The strange thing is that once I truly accepted it, the healing began. Recovery began. I was filled with relief and hope. I could finally address the problem and start living the solution.

Welcome to SR, Chris. I am glad you are here. SR is a place to share experience, strength and hope. It is a wonderful place to give and receive information and support.

Keep reading and posting. I think you have a lot to offer and a lot to gain.

[otter]

Welcome aboard Chris,

I think you'll find SR is a great place to come and visit when you need a little kick in the bum to reinforce why we've decided to quit drinking in the first place. I'm a daily visitor myself.

Apply that self-will of yours to the problem you described and I don't think it stands much of a chance.

[janeeyre]

Chris,

Wow--thank you for sharing! There's a lot in your post that many of us can relate to. (And well done on your sober time! That's just huge.)

It sounds like you've been doing some real soul searching, and are ready to be done with the alcohol running your life. Trust me, it is such a relief to break away from that--letting a liquid in a bottle dictate your day to day existence. Learning to live with your "new" self can be hard, but I think you'll find that you like that person better than the drunk one. I'm convinced you'll succeed!

Anyway, I'm glad you're here and hope you'll stick around. This place (SR) is a lifesaver!

Best wishes,
Jane

[michaelj]

Chris,
Welcome to SR, I hope you get as much support and information from this site as you will ever need. It is clear from your post that you are a strong-willed and focussed person, doing a spread-sheet on one's drinking must have been incredibly difficult and demanding.
I agree with you about the awfulness of black-outs. When I first had one I was worried sick but after a few more they affected me less and less. This I suppose is the power of alcohol, to take away hours and hours of our lives and to leave us only wanting to endure the process over and over.
I wish you well with sobriety and I sincerely hope that your feelings of depression lift as soon as can be. Don't be afraid to seek medical help on this, there is no need to pile suffering on yourself at this difficult stage.
Best wishes
Michael

[fuguestate]

I spent several years moving from one blackout to the other to the point that I have virtually no memory for that period. The alchol also ruined my memory for my life before alcohol and continues to impair my memory to this day. That I gained a degree during this period still amazes me as I remember virtually nothing from the four years I spent at university. I am releaved that the period of my life is over. The clarity of life and my thinking without alcohol pumping through my blood is a wonderful experience.

[Cathy31]

Chris

How absolutely wonderful re your sober time! I'm so glad that you have joined SR for extra support - it's not easy...but as they say, we DO recover - every day!

This line from yours really resonated with me...

Originally Posted by jechante

When I take my first drink, with very few exceptions, I know that my day is over as far as usefulness is concerned, and that it will end with my unconsciousness.

I'd add though, that it also invariably meant the next day was pretty much f*cked too...yes, even though I'd promise myself only a few glasses of wine...always more, and the hangovers and remorse the next day! UGH!!! SO HORRIBLE!

I'm so glad that you are with us! You sound like you have had a fascinating and full life - I am glad that you are sober. Of course it's a huge adjustment...but a better one by far!

I hope you'll keep posting and get to know us all better!

Cathy31
x

[miss communicat]

Chris,

Bravo on your new sobriety!

I thoroughly appreciated the time you took to detail your process of drinking, and the realizations you are coming to. I felt that you were writing about me, except the part about singing for a living.

I was also a high bottom drunk. I also eschew labels. I spent way too much money and time getting numb and fuzzy.

Fuguestate, I relate to the awe and wonder of having achieved an accomplishment as great as a degree during ones drinking heyday. I too achieved career pinnacles including public performance and publication. Something tells me that facade, for me, is part of the pattern.I am so very good at erecting excellent ones.

Chris, please continue to let us get to know you as you find your way through sobriety. It does get better, every day!

Ciao~ c

[jechante]

I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to read my (somewhat lengthy, I think) story. The notes of welcome and support you wrote have overwhelmed me. I had a long and difficult day today, and coming back here was like a long drink of cold water on a hot day.
Chris

[miss communicat]

Chris

Just checking in on you...How're you doing?

[AndrewBeen]

I am struck by your keen observation and honest insight. These are gifts that will surely contribute to your healing.

Godspeed.