pushing through "uncomfortable-ness"

[tenK]

I'm about to go do something that makes me very nervous. It's a not-nice thing that needs to be done to let some people know I'm not a doormat.

They put me in an awkward situation, and now I have to call them on it.

Am trying to not be emotional and just do what needs to be done. Some people in life are just not gonna like me right? Tough, their loss.

Wish me luck.

10K

[best]

A soft voice turns away much wrath.

The one in control is the one who remains calm. Remain calm in any storm and you will win the world.


Before you step out, say a prayer.

[bartender129]

Hey tenK,

There are times when setting boundaries is necessary and appropriate. This is a cool essay on boundaries and the process.

Regarding Boundary Setting
2 Decisions and 4 Steps by David Burnet, The Learning Coach,
with grateful appreciation to Thomas Leonard & Coach U, for articulating and teaching me about basic boundary setting. These notes would not be possible without them.



Decisions about boundary setting:


1. Decide what you want and don't want from/with people. A good idea is to do this both in general, and with any person or situation that reveals that more boundaries are needed (you know you need boundaries when you are frustrated, angry, or hurt).

2. Decide to be extremely sensitive about boundaries (enlarge your boundaries), and to be constructive about enforcing them.



Steps to enforce boundaries:


1. Educate or inform people what they are doing. Just inform them in a matter of fact way.

2. If it continues, tell them what you want and don't want, and how you feel about that.

3. If it continues, warn them how you will separate yourself from them &/or their negative behavior, either temporarily (while it continues), or if necessary, permanently.

4. If it continues, distance yourself as you said you would, preferably short term, long term when necessary.



Warnings:

1. Memorize this list, it may be all you can remember, the first few times when you are under pressure and need to enforce boundaries. Soon, because it works so well, you'll probably learn to do this fairly automatically and well.

2. The first few times you do this, it will be hard for people who already know you, because they aren't used to this. They may over-react. They may also over-react because the first few times you do this you won't be as skillful as after you've practiced this. Happened to me, and I've noticed to other people.

It can be helpful to notify people about what you are learning and doing, ahead of time, and to let them know that you won't be as skillful, at first; you may be heavy handed...but to please be patient and bear with you. It will help you and them, too, to get along better.

[tenK]

just waiting for the response... could be a day or two.

Thx for the notes bartender. It's a specific situation and they broke a rule in our community. Other rules, I wouldn't care about and all the power to them to diddle around until the community fines them. But they did something that just happens to threaten our property. Stupid and f-ing inconsiderate.

Best, I wrote a note so I could be calm. Short, sweet, to the point.

[NoMoBeer]

I once heard a great Al Anon saying:

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean..."

Ken