feeling indifferent...

[ninthchance]

i drink pretty much any chance i can. day, night, whatever. people are on to me now so its become a secret. i have put on weight even though i don't really eat anymore either. i look horrible. someone told me that my face is getting puffy and bloated looking. i get cold clammy sweats and i shake. i am so disgusted with myself i can barely put it into words. i am so indifferent feeling right now though, its like i am feeling nothing- i have no motivation to quit for some reason, unlike i have had before. i'm only 24 and i know things will just get worse. i know this b/c of how much worse they have gotten in the past two years alone. i do not have a boyfriend or children but i do have family and friends who care about me and are concerned...but all i do is lie to them and make them think that everything is okay...i just keep them at bay while i am destroying myself. i can't keep this act up forever, and i don't want to get sick.

I used to suffer from extreme depression and anxiety. While its nice not to feel like someone is stepping on my chest 24 hours a day anymore, I know that this numb, blank feeling can't be better. Can any one tell me how to get out of the rut of just feeling indifferent? or share their feelings? i know i have it in me to change but i just feel so down and almost hopeless right now, i haven't had the energy to make a change. any advice?

[Anna]

Hi Ninthchance,

Welcome! I'm Anna, recovering alcoholic and I felt just the way you did and I want you to know that you can make things better. The behaviour of addicts is full of lies and deceit and that only makes us feel worse about ourselves than we already do. By coming here and beginning to talk about the problem, you are helping yourself. You are not alone. There's lots of support here.

I began drinking because I suffered from depression/anxiety for years and couldn't get it properly diagnosed and treated. Once I did, it made a huge difference. Have you ever talked to a dr about the depression. I thought that self-medicating with alcohol was the answer too, for awhile, but then it turns on you so quickly. I take antidepressants now and have for several years and that helps me so much.

You can stop drinking today. Don't think long term, it can get too overwhelming. Just focus on now and be kind to yourself.

Love, Anna

[Dunitall]

Hi Ninth

You've done really well getting this far. Welcome on board.

I'm a recovering alcoholic who has managed to find a real buzz out of sobriety. When I was drinking, I deluded myself that it wasn't a problem. I was really convincing and eventually convinced myself that I was in control. The web of delusion and deceit spread to my family and loved ones. Result? Chaos, mistrust, chaos, bitterness, resentment, guilt, anxiety and more chaos.

Being a reasonably intelligent guy, it only took me 20 years of this to discover I needed help. First step? Admitted to myself that I had no control over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. Second step? Got to an AA meeting a month ago. Outcome? A month sober, new friends, 14lbs lighter,hope, faith, determination and a whole new outlook on life.

This is just the start for me and it sounds like you're ready to make a start. If you really want to change, you know you can and there are hundreds if not thousands of us, going through the same. All of us praying for you and ready to be with you.

I thought it would be a real drag not drinking, but to be honest, every day sober is so precious and I have laughed more in the past month than I have done for years. Laughter is a great healer of the soul. Makes ya feel good.

Maybe youcould find an AA meeting nearby. If so, give them a call and get along to see if it works for you. Let us know, whatever you decide.

Rich