Acheleus

Hello SR. I hope whoever is reading this is well.

I have a question about making huge changes in early recovery and how to deal with the consequences of bad decisions. I'm also wondering how alcoholics quit beating themselves up and learn how to learn from their mistakes.

I picked up my two year sobriety chip on June 15. I did not realize how serious my alcohol problem was until I had a little bit of time to myself to reflect on my past behavior. My drinking history scares me, and I am learning, through therapy and step work, how to discipline my mind and my emotions.

I entered AA and therapy when I was in graduate school. I was sober for nine months and relapsed. I was sober again for nine months and relapsed.

I earned my graduate degree and 11 days later began law school. I graduated from law school two months ago. Right now I have been studying for the bar but I am out of gas. I'm exhausted. My family tells me to grow up and quit whining.

I want to be honest with myself--I am out of energy and drive. I am posting to ask how did you learn to be honest with yourself about your limits. I'm also moving in 15 days so all of my stuff is in boxes and I feel completely terrified all the time.

Do I sound like a weak person who should just man up? Wouldn't someone be tired after five straight years of graduate study while also recovering from alcoholism?

I know that I need to be honest with people instead of pretending I am ok. I'm more proud of being two years sober than anything else. Gaining long-term sobriety is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

Graduate school and law school made me feel bad about myself. I felt dumb, ashamed for being an alcoholic, and empty.

I just need a break, I guess. My mind is worn out.

doggonecarl

Then take a break. It won't do you any good to fail the bar exam, will it?

As for beating yourself up over your past, that has to stop. How much of your exhaustion can be traced back to the mental energy you've expended mulling over the past?

You've graduated law school, an accomplishment few can imagine or achieve.

As for manning up, a man makes his decisions and stands by them. In the face of family pressure.

leviathan

No matter what others tell you, I believe its OK to feel tired/ depressed/ burnt/ overwhelmed. Its a natural result of busy and stressful lives. -I can also relate with the school and recovery at the same time thing. Both take mental energy, and the brain gets tired too.

So the important part is how we respond to the message. Brain and body say "We're so toasty!". What do we say?

-" I'm going to ignore that and continue without a pause. Maybe something will break. Maybe it won't."

-"I'm going to ignore that and get loaded. Maybe something will break. Maybe it won't."

-Or..."I hear you! I'm going to figure out a way to work in a pause, break, retreat or long weekend. We will eat right, sleep right, take a couple vitamins and reduce all the stimulation. Then possibly feel refreshed and actually be more effective."

Recovery requires balance. I believe that perfect balance is not always possible (due to life being life) but, we can assess and adjust as necessary.

I say take a long weekend (when you can) and unplug as much as possible. Everything and everyone will be right there when you get back. -Personally, I always found time to get sauced and wreck my health, so I figure I can find the time now to due the opposite.

Bunny211

I think we have about the same amount of sober time. I still hate myself for being an alcoholic and losing control of my life. I struggle a lot with it. I have a massive amount of self-loathing. I think it just takes time....

Acheleus

Thanks for the responses. I am going to rest and try to be good to myself. When you quit drinking you really have the clarity of mind to see how much of a mess you really are!

PhoenixJ

You do not sound 'weak'. You sound very stressed. Family, study, career, new emotions challenging you, fatigue.
Looked at as 1 thing- it is too much.
Broken down into separate smaller things, they can be dealt with. If to man up means repressing emotions and playing the tough guy- no do not do that. You are being a proper human for acknowledging your emotions.
Remember HALTS, T- is tired or thirsty. S is sad.
Remember the basics first and to approach each thing when you are not emotionally charged. Mindful breathing helps me.

Wholesome

You got sober and graduated law school! Both are amazing accomplishments! If you are gased and need some down time then you are most certainly entitled to that and owe absolutely no one an explanation. If you aren't going to take care of you then who is? I'm surprised your family would take that kind of a position with you after how hard you have worked. I don't think we are meant to just work, work, work, we all need some downtime. I think you have much to be proud of and should do whatever you think in right for you.

ScottFromWI

You've done a tremendous amount of work over the last 2 years Acheleus - especially in your Sobriety and your schooling. It's perfectly fine to take a break and getting tired/weary is simply part of human nature. Take some time to reflect on all you've accomplished...it's quite impressive!

teatreeoil007

Ach: Graduate school and law school made me feel bad about myself. I felt dumb, ashamed for being an alcoholic, and empty. :

I think we can say with certainty you are not dumb. Simply not so, friend. I don't know, maybe law school itself makes a person feel dumb? But, you're not dumb. There is so much to learn...and I can imagine a person feeling like they'll never know it all and still have so much to learn. That can be said for other professions too. It can be overwhelming at times.

So, how then, to deal? Well, maybe just tell yourself that you are a human and you have needs and you're maxed out right now and you simply need a break.

We sometimes don't realize just how much the mental stuff takes out of us! We tend to think it's the physical labor that really zaps us. But mental stuff requires a lot of energy we don't realize we using. It really does. Emotional stuff does that too.

Now, mix in the moving and stuff being in boxes, and oh boy. I'd feel burn out too.

I think you need a break and a really really good one. A break in which you do absolutely nothing except exist. 2 years sober is fantastic and no small feat. Graduating law school is no small feat.

I sometimes cringe a little when people tell other people to just stop whining and 'man up'. Yeah, that has it's place, but there is usually a reason people whine....something is bothering them....and it's not healthy to stuff the feelings.

Acheleus

I used to drink because I wanted female companionship. Of course I blacked out and behaved like an idiot because I am a drunk. Now I am sober and I have no idea how to find a sexual partner. I never even dated. I'm guessing sexual frustration is making me feel worse.

But it will be fun to date and live life instead of being drunk all the time.

teatreeoil007

I'd say it's likely female companionship was only one reason you drank-I understand what you're saying. Maybe consider why it was you felt you had to drink to have female companions. Was it because you felt more uninhibited; more spontaneous; more fun. Hmmm. Likely. More talkative, more social? That's why a lot of people drink. Indeed sexual frustration is probably making you feel worse. I can see that.

So, when we get sober we literally need to "re-vamp" every aspect of our lives almost. Many things we did may have involved drinking. We forgot what it was like to do those things sober. You never even dated? Not once? Is that really true? Or, you've just never gone on dates that didn't involve alcohol.

Are you just frustrated by not having a partner or because you have low libido right now? If you are truly burned out right now, it sounds like you need a serious mental break. Your brain affects everything in your life practically.

. I'd start by encouraging you to just be yourself and talk to people sober. It's going to take some getting used to, but you can do it.

Acheleus

I never asked out a woman I liked. Women would approach me and it turns out those women were controlling and possessed more masculine features.

My family is sick and I don't want to be around them. I'm 31 but I feel 17 or 18. I'm trying to grow up but I stayed drunk so long I don't think I ever matured. It's scary, quite frankly.

But I need to sleep. Two years sober and they were not lying about that "more will be revealed" business.

teatreeoil007

It might feel scary. I can understand that. So, it's going to take some courage to step away from what you've experienced in the past with women. To actually ask someone out that you like. I know you're not used to that because it sounds like you're used to women making the first move there. I wouldn't jump the gun though. Take it easy. Just start by talking to women without any pressure of asking someone out. The healthiest relationships are ones where you are truly just yourself and don't feel too much pressure to impress or anything like that. Just be yourself. And yes, you need to sleep. Sleep is essential to restore the brain.

It'll be okay. Give yourself time to mature if that's what you feel you need to do. Take a deep breath and tell yourself "It will be alright." Now, just relax into it and try not to worry about finding the right partner. Be yourself. You have a lot to feel good about!

Gottalife

I am 60 and I feel seventeen most of the time, and long may it continue, growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional. By all means take a break from your studies, it seems the sensible thing to do.

Just don't take a break from your sobriety. Our experience shows that we cannot let up on our spiritual program of action without consequences. Alcohol is a subtle foe. That doesn't mean over doing it though. Balance is the key, your daily spiritual routine, and working with others in a modest but steady way, is key to continued stability.

Acheleus

I protect my sobriety these days--I didn't before. Maybe I will get some sleep and then eat something. I'm learning to love myself with all my flaws and mistakes. It's ok to stumble and get back up.

Maybe I should feel proud for doing two advanced degrees, but I only want someone to approve of me and accept me. Now I know I have to accept me. My family tries to tell me what to do but I can't listen to them any longer.

Now that I am sober I will have to listen to myself.

zjw

I had to set my limits and boundaries to an incredibly simple level so simple I felt something might be wrong with me I was not able to deal with squat as time went on I would add things into my life and see how I responded. I'm currently at a point where I think I need to back off again some I'm getting to overwhelmed again. I stoped viewing this as a problem or a disability and started viewing it as this is just how I am and that is that it enabled me to quit beating myself up so much or to quit feeling like a sissy. But heck just today someone told me to suck it up. I didn't like that you might as well call me a wuss when really if something is too much I see no issue with backing off the throttle.

For what it's worth my brother graduated law school then got his masters in taxation law the decided law is just not for him. It just is what it is nothing wrong with that.

I don't think we should live lives we are not happy with. If it can be avoided.

Tho I think dee had a good tag line along the lines of sometimes you don't need to quit but maybe you just need a break.

teatreeoil007

Yes Ach. Listen to yourself. Families don't go away with sobriety; we can learn to be around them, but not let them dictate to us. You DO have a lot to be proud of. Getting sober, staying sober and LIVING sober is amazing, but like you've said it's one of the hardest things you've ever done. I hope you continue learning to love yourself. We accept you!! And we're in your corner. You've got to do what's best for you. I hope you get some sleep and eat well. Those two things are so very important. If I don't sleep right I feel like crud and I can't think straight-it truly sucks.

zjw

I also took the approach too if it might cause me to reach for a drink it had to be eliminated. As you can imagine in the beginninhg everything made me wanna drink so an awful lot got eliminated lol. Sobriety had to be first.

sugarbear1

If you are attending AA meetings, do you have a sponsor and are you working those 12 steps??

Fly N Buy

I didn't have a drinking problem I had a living problem. The program gives me a template with principles to live by. We all get worn out but I need to check my motivations. A daily 10th step helps keep me on track along with steps 11&12. Listening to myself bought me an expensive seat in AA.

Have you shared where you are openly in a meeting? Have you discussed this with another alcoholic / sponsor?

It's admirable the things you've accomplished - Bill W was quite accomplished as was DR. Bob - amazing guys. You are to be commended and have much to offer newcomers. Have you considered sposnsoring - working with others??

We all need to rest the body and mind at times. Sounds like you're there. I need to check myself though when I get in these moods.