Mpie9

Hi all,

My mom just celebrated her 21 years of sobriety at AA and got her coin this morning. I teared up watching her and all the people she has touched over the years, and couldn't help but think about my boyfriend of 7 years. We are taking space because I personally can't handle it anymore, and i needed to sort out my feelings via a therapist and Al Anon. I did not give him any ultimatums; I just said I needed space and to respect that so we can BOTH have time to clear our heads and think/get support. He says this time is different and he plans on quitting, however he does not see AA as a program you go to consistently. He views it as going on an as needed basis, which i know is not really the point and makes me question how serious he is about his recovery. I don't trust him at all and just view him as dragging his feet with obtaining some type of support, ideally AA and a therapist.

I am very biased to AA because it saved my mom's life and know even with AA, relapse rates are high. I was wondering if anyone believes not going to AA or getting support is indicative of not being ready for recovery or sobriety. I know he does not understand the difference between being dry versus actually being in recovery and dealing with all the underlying crap. Its so sad. I was just curious about other people's experiences/thoughts.

PhoenixJ

MP- I tried so many times to get sober with me- willpower, stubborn, making excuses- what ever take works. I had to go through crap- but only with support would I have succeeded- and I was the worst of the worst. 15 months sober now.
My empathy and support to you. Stay safe- do not put your life on hold. PJ

Dee74

Hi Mpie - welcome

yeah for me recovery - whatever method - has to be an ongoing process - even when you're doing fine.

I had some pretty whack ideas before I got to this point tho and it sounds like maybe your BF is a little Less than totally committed right now?

who knows why...scared of change maybe, bargaining a little to keep the door open to some more drinking...only doing enough to keep you and others off his back...I dunno...

the big question is what do you want to do about it?
Where do you see this relationship going if there's no change?

D

JeffreyAK

Lots of people with drinking problems, undoubtedly most, simply quit or cut way back on their own. Those of us who went beyond "drinking problem" and well off into addiction land usually have to quit, not cut back, and we usually can't do it without some kind of support (doesn't have to be AA, there are many alternatives), but again there are exceptions. It's not possible to say where your boyfriend is on that spectrum, or judge how serious he might be, all anyone else can do is relate their own experiences that may or may not line up with his situation.

That said, if it were me 7 years ago saying those things (and of course it's not), I'd be lying to myself and leaving the door open for drinking later by insisting that I have to do it on my own without support. But I wouldn't see it as a lie, and it wouldn't be a deliberate lie, it would just be a cloud over my thinking. My addict voice.

But, following Dee, all you can really do is look after yourself. He will and needs to do whatever he's going to do, you really can't control it and can drive yourself nuts trying.

MsCooterBrown

In my experience this is one of the things that you will just KNOW when it is time to leave...if that time comes. I can't think of anything harder than one person that still wants to keep the door open...and the other sober. It can be done...there are many here that are doing that now. I couldn't pull it off. I can't remember a more lonely time than when I was sober and my husband was drunk. He drank to obliterate any feelings he had. It was like living with the shell of what he used to be. Lights were on and no one was home. I understood this. I did this as well.

Please take care of yourself ...this is one of those situations where you need to put yourself first. Don't wait too long.

NYCDoglvr

The reason I keep going to AA is because denial and rationalization always accompany me through 25 years of recovery. And because every time someone raises their hand saying they're "coming back" is because they stopped going to meeting. This disease is insidious, "cunning, baffling and powerful" and I know I can drink again. I just don't think I have another recovery in me.

I've known people sober longer than I am who stopped going to meetings a decade ago. Good for them! But that's not me............

Bobbieka

I told my husband I would quit. Argued with him that I didn't need AA. I wasn't like those people, I could quit by myself. I was just holding on to the thought that maybe I could drink again. Now, with AA's help, I don't want to hold on to that thought.

Oh, I am like those people. And those people have saved my life and marriage and every relationship that matters.

Maybe he's just not ready for that final goodbye.

Forward12

There are many paths to sobriety and AA isn't the only option, but having a solid plan in place and putting 110% into staying clean is what's needed. Trying to half-*ss things will never get you anywhere.
It sounds like your BF isn't ready to fully commit to sobriety, but that's good you've at least gotten yourself out of the situation.