Coming up on two years sober
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Coming up on two years sober
Hello. I am going to be two years sober on June 15th and I am feeling a little strange. Today I had my last law school class and I took a final exam yesterday. Tomorrow I have to take another exam and write a paper on nursing home abuse. Next week I have two exams and a document file to submit.
I called my sponsor today but I think he was busy working and could not talk. Instead of going to a meeting I studied.
I am noticing things in my past that were unclear to me when I was drunk. Why does this happen? Why does sobriety open old wounds that never healed while we drank?
I am reaching out because I am tired and I am realizing that I have been a pretty selfish person. It hurts to see how messed up I was when I drank all the time. The bar exam is in July but all I want is a break from the fear and anxiety associated with school.
I will return to my studies. I always get on the pity pot and I want to stop beating myself up for the mistakes I made in the past. I'm 31 and I feel like I have so much growing up to do. It also saddens me that I drank alcoholically for so long.
I feel like I am becoming a man but it is painful. The last year has been a struggle but I am keeping my head down and trudging forward.
Maybe this is just a lack of sleep post made by a burned out person in recovery.
I called my sponsor today but I think he was busy working and could not talk. Instead of going to a meeting I studied.
I am noticing things in my past that were unclear to me when I was drunk. Why does this happen? Why does sobriety open old wounds that never healed while we drank?
I am reaching out because I am tired and I am realizing that I have been a pretty selfish person. It hurts to see how messed up I was when I drank all the time. The bar exam is in July but all I want is a break from the fear and anxiety associated with school.
I will return to my studies. I always get on the pity pot and I want to stop beating myself up for the mistakes I made in the past. I'm 31 and I feel like I have so much growing up to do. It also saddens me that I drank alcoholically for so long.
I feel like I am becoming a man but it is painful. The last year has been a struggle but I am keeping my head down and trudging forward.
Maybe this is just a lack of sleep post made by a burned out person in recovery.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
First of all, congrats on nearly 2 years sober!
We can't change the past. All we can do is move forward and try to do the right thing. Being sober means we are now in control of our actions. Worrying about the past is fruitless, especially knowing that many of our actions sprang from our addictions. As someone once said, "Ain't no future in the past."
We can't change the past. All we can do is move forward and try to do the right thing. Being sober means we are now in control of our actions. Worrying about the past is fruitless, especially knowing that many of our actions sprang from our addictions. As someone once said, "Ain't no future in the past."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 4
Congrats on the milestone!
I think when I drink, I am hugely in denial about the problems I'm avoiding. In that process, I made more mistakes that I'd also have to deny. When we stop drinking, it becomes more difficult to deny any of it.
I'm a self-guilt monster. I was raised to be that way. When I screw up, I am I the meanest person I've ever met... to myself.
This is what I do when I'm beating myself up and dragging up old memories.
Maybe something similar?
I think when I drink, I am hugely in denial about the problems I'm avoiding. In that process, I made more mistakes that I'd also have to deny. When we stop drinking, it becomes more difficult to deny any of it.
I'm a self-guilt monster. I was raised to be that way. When I screw up, I am I the meanest person I've ever met... to myself.
This is what I do when I'm beating myself up and dragging up old memories.
Maybe something similar?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 605
Lack of sleep and pressure makes the mind weak. I get like that to from time to time.
Try turning your thoughts around. Think of it this way.
You are about to complete something very few can. You may have drank alcoholically, but you came to your senses prior to your 30th birthday. Those are two things most of us have not or could not accomplish.
Hey, I wasted my 30's and half of my 40's drinking. I could get down on myself about all of the time I wasted. And sometimes I do, but I could still be drinking and wasting even more time, but I'm not.
Don't regret the past. It made you who you are now, and it can not be changed
Try turning your thoughts around. Think of it this way.
You are about to complete something very few can. You may have drank alcoholically, but you came to your senses prior to your 30th birthday. Those are two things most of us have not or could not accomplish.
Hey, I wasted my 30's and half of my 40's drinking. I could get down on myself about all of the time I wasted. And sometimes I do, but I could still be drinking and wasting even more time, but I'm not.
Don't regret the past. It made you who you are now, and it can not be changed
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I appreciate the advice. I'm just burned out and I just need to cowboy up. So I will write the rest of a paper tonight and study for my last two exams over the next four days.
I will get to a meeting tonight and cook myself some fish and black beans. I slacked up a little on my healthy eating.
Getting sober was the most difficult thing so have ever done and I protect my recovery at all costs. It just amazes me that I used to stay drunk and fall down and black out. I never want to forget the hell of active alcoholism.
Of course law school broke me down in a lot of ways. Maybe I will look back one day and realize I really fought to save my own life. I know what I need to do. I need to be nicer to myself.
I will get to a meeting tonight and cook myself some fish and black beans. I slacked up a little on my healthy eating.
Getting sober was the most difficult thing so have ever done and I protect my recovery at all costs. It just amazes me that I used to stay drunk and fall down and black out. I never want to forget the hell of active alcoholism.
Of course law school broke me down in a lot of ways. Maybe I will look back one day and realize I really fought to save my own life. I know what I need to do. I need to be nicer to myself.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Sobriety is like driving a car down road and we slam on the brakes. All the crap in the back seat comes flying forward and it takes time to sort it out.
From the Twelve and Twelve - your post makes me think of it; Pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress.
This is very true in my experience and sound like yours as well. I try to remember this as life sorts out that it really is a journey and hopefully happiness trends upward. I am aware today of the peaks and valleys though along the way.
I think it's great you/we recognize this always recalling, good or bad - This too shall pass.
Keep up the good work!
From the Twelve and Twelve - your post makes me think of it; Pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress.
This is very true in my experience and sound like yours as well. I try to remember this as life sorts out that it really is a journey and hopefully happiness trends upward. I am aware today of the peaks and valleys though along the way.
I think it's great you/we recognize this always recalling, good or bad - This too shall pass.
Keep up the good work!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I went to a meeting last night and I enjoyed listening. At every meeting I attend these days I listen intently and focus on what the person is saying.
My last exam is tomorrow morning. Well, I have one last thing to submit on the 12th.
I am not going to graduation. I'm sober and I hated law school. I hated everything about it. But I got sober.
I don't feel so good. I think I am exhausted. Maybe I should rest today and take the exam in the morning.
My last exam is tomorrow morning. Well, I have one last thing to submit on the 12th.
I am not going to graduation. I'm sober and I hated law school. I hated everything about it. But I got sober.
I don't feel so good. I think I am exhausted. Maybe I should rest today and take the exam in the morning.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,997
Good luck with your exam. I'm sorry you are not going to graduation. You've come so far and worked so hard for this. I didn't go to my graduation and I now regret this. Good luck whatever you decide!
Sounds like your life is busy. Make sure to take time for yourself. Member
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I had to take 16 credit hours this semester. I'm growing and changing but it is difficult to gauge where I am emotionally. The bar exam is in two months and the test prep classes begin soon. I think I took on too much in early sobriety. Maybe I need to accept feeling overwhelmed and go exercise. I took a long walk last night and felt better.
I have an abusive mother. I cut contact about nine years ago. She sent out graduation invitations in my name and I don't want to feel like a child any longer. She had no right to fill out my information and send invitations. Now that I have been sober I can see how my family used my substance abuse to manipulate me.
The clarity of sobriety reveals a lot of things that hurt me.
I have an abusive mother. I cut contact about nine years ago. She sent out graduation invitations in my name and I don't want to feel like a child any longer. She had no right to fill out my information and send invitations. Now that I have been sober I can see how my family used my substance abuse to manipulate me.
The clarity of sobriety reveals a lot of things that hurt me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Acheleus 
I had to take 16 credit hours this semester. I'm growing and changing but it is difficult to gauge where I am emotionally. The bar exam is in two months and the test prep classes begin soon. I think I took on too much in early sobriety. Maybe I need to accept feeling overwhelmed and go exercise. I took a long walk last night and felt better.
2 years sober and just about to finish law school... that is a lot of equity you've built up for yourself. You have a lot to be proud of.
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