Question.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
That was a jerk thing to do, but I'm not sure if he was pissed you didn't come, or if he was trying to help in some male kind of way..
I don't think coward applies in this situation either - you made a rational decision to safeguard your recovery. I wish more people made that choice.
D
I don't think coward applies in this situation either - you made a rational decision to safeguard your recovery. I wish more people made that choice.
D
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Zen, you a coward? Oh no, not at all.
I'm shocked by what your boyfriend did, particularly given your recent thread about whether or not to announce that you no longer drink. I expect you also discussed that with your boyfriend, if you did, his actions were very wrong.
Stay strong. Your past does not define you! You are now a non-drinker and as such, should be proud of that fact!
I'm shocked by what your boyfriend did, particularly given your recent thread about whether or not to announce that you no longer drink. I expect you also discussed that with your boyfriend, if you did, his actions were very wrong.
Stay strong. Your past does not define you! You are now a non-drinker and as such, should be proud of that fact!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Yeah it really blew up in my face. I don't know what his motivation for opening his big stupid mouth was. He has been apologizing profusely and denies that it was out of anger, he says he just didn't think it though.... makes no sense since I told him why I wasn't going which was because I didn't want to be put on the spot in a bar at a drinking celebration as to why I wasn't drinking. He told people who in my wildest imagination I wouldn't have wanted to know. I was going to tell certain people in my own way at an appropriate time. I was going to say that I had made a connection between some legitimate, real health problems and alcohol consumption. Totally true but leaves out the label of alcoholic. He has taken that from me and let the cat out of the bag and there's no putting it back in. I have no choice but to try to get over it and move on though..... I've certainly done some stupid inconsiderate things when I was drinking that he forgave me for. It's not the end of the world but I sure wish it hadn't happened.
And I agree, I'm no coward even if I was afraid to go to a bar last night haha
And I agree, I'm no coward even if I was afraid to go to a bar last night haha
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Originally Posted by Fitcher 
My go-to answer has always been, "I am a better person when I don't drink". If someone scoffs at this reply, they're not the kind of person I keep in my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
best answer i got is you cant control him ::shrug::
My wife did the same thing to me on more then one occasion. She stated that since she was a part of all this she was clear to tell her side of things etc.. I dunno i stated its not her dirt to be spreading tho and it was not cool. At least discuss it with me before your flappen your jaw etc..
In my case my wife has a little bit of a point. But again if roles where reveresed my god she woulda KILLED Me for running my mouth about her dirt. and I pointed this out to her.
it still frustrates me what she did but theres nothing i can do about it. we had our chat prolly got nowhere but oh well.
I hope your BF doesnt do this again tho it stinks.
I know us alcoholics tend to over think things but when someeone tells someone else that i'm al alcoholic i often wonder what picture of me do these people now have? DO they view me now as the come home beat my wife drunk type? the kind thats gone for days on end in bars chasing other women? LIke what kinda drunk do they think i am now i often wonder. when in reality all i ever did was get my beer come home and drink to much its nto all that exciting really.
In my case this sort of stuff has casued me to live in my own little world even more. I have no idea what these other folks think of me now and well in my own little world it really doesnt matter so i just try to leave it at that as best i can.
On a side note i recently told some band members i used to drink a lot too much even ( i stopped short of the "alcoholic" word) I think they got the gist of it and where like yeah but look at you now you've turned your life around rarara. was liek dang did i just say i'm an alcohlic without saying i'm an alcoholic? oops... lol People can read between the lines I guess.
I too worry i dont want others judging me etc.. I also dont want others putting themselves over me and trying to hold me accountable. While it can be a good thing it generally drives me nuts.
i just keep it quiet mainly.
My wife did the same thing to me on more then one occasion. She stated that since she was a part of all this she was clear to tell her side of things etc.. I dunno i stated its not her dirt to be spreading tho and it was not cool. At least discuss it with me before your flappen your jaw etc..
In my case my wife has a little bit of a point. But again if roles where reveresed my god she woulda KILLED Me for running my mouth about her dirt. and I pointed this out to her.
it still frustrates me what she did but theres nothing i can do about it. we had our chat prolly got nowhere but oh well.
I hope your BF doesnt do this again tho it stinks.
I know us alcoholics tend to over think things but when someeone tells someone else that i'm al alcoholic i often wonder what picture of me do these people now have? DO they view me now as the come home beat my wife drunk type? the kind thats gone for days on end in bars chasing other women? LIke what kinda drunk do they think i am now i often wonder. when in reality all i ever did was get my beer come home and drink to much its nto all that exciting really.
In my case this sort of stuff has casued me to live in my own little world even more. I have no idea what these other folks think of me now and well in my own little world it really doesnt matter so i just try to leave it at that as best i can.
On a side note i recently told some band members i used to drink a lot too much even ( i stopped short of the "alcoholic" word) I think they got the gist of it and where like yeah but look at you now you've turned your life around rarara. was liek dang did i just say i'm an alcohlic without saying i'm an alcoholic? oops... lol People can read between the lines I guess.
I too worry i dont want others judging me etc.. I also dont want others putting themselves over me and trying to hold me accountable. While it can be a good thing it generally drives me nuts.
i just keep it quiet mainly.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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That's a really great question zenchaser, and it's one I definitely struggle with as I'm newly sober. Most of my friends know because they saw what I was doing to myself and couldn't ignore it. I won't lie, there are instances I find annoying where they'll question whether or not to invite me to things, when I feel that I am responsible enough to choose which are safe and if not, I simply leave.
Sometimes it's a good idea to just let people know you don't drink for accountability, as others have mentioned, but that's on a Case by case basis. It's only weird when I meet new people sometimes, because I'd grown so accustomed to going out for cocktails.
Most people don't care either way, and as others have said, if they do - I don't want them around anyway!
Sometimes it's a good idea to just let people know you don't drink for accountability, as others have mentioned, but that's on a Case by case basis. It's only weird when I meet new people sometimes, because I'd grown so accustomed to going out for cocktails.
Most people don't care either way, and as others have said, if they do - I don't want them around anyway!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Hi zjw!
Yeah I was the same way, I did most of my drinking at home. It was no secret that I drank to excess though, when I went out I often drank more than others and I'd usually already been drinking before I got there and I would drink more after I left. I just hate the label of alcoholic. I can call myself that but I don't want anyone else calling me it.
I haven't even discussed this with my own parents let alone my mother in-law. And his extended family! God it makes cringe to think about what they must think about me now...... he's going to be attending his family events solo for the foreseeable future. The whole situation has made me feel very paranoid which sucks because I was feeling really good.
These social events are tricky though. I have to say it's the hardest thing I've found in this change. During my day to day life I barely think about drinking anymore, as soon as a social event comes up I freak out and pick it all apart and worry and stress. I guess everyone has to figure this stuff out though. Glad to have this place to be able to come and ask questions and get advice.
Yeah I was the same way, I did most of my drinking at home. It was no secret that I drank to excess though, when I went out I often drank more than others and I'd usually already been drinking before I got there and I would drink more after I left. I just hate the label of alcoholic. I can call myself that but I don't want anyone else calling me it.
I haven't even discussed this with my own parents let alone my mother in-law. And his extended family! God it makes cringe to think about what they must think about me now...... he's going to be attending his family events solo for the foreseeable future. The whole situation has made me feel very paranoid which sucks because I was feeling really good.
These social events are tricky though. I have to say it's the hardest thing I've found in this change. During my day to day life I barely think about drinking anymore, as soon as a social event comes up I freak out and pick it all apart and worry and stress. I guess everyone has to figure this stuff out though. Glad to have this place to be able to come and ask questions and get advice.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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yeah its hard my wife told her sister well and then i talked to her sister some said dont tell anyone else ok. sure she assured me NOPE i was then treated like some kinda lepar aroudn her family they all hid there drinking from me etc... i was like gee where did everyone go one day only to find them all huddled off drinking in secret away from the "alcoholic" like i might come unhinged and binge like crazy or soemthing at the first sight of a beer? ::scratches head::
cats out of the bag at this point. and i'm sure some think less of me. I bet some are just waiting for me to slip up again too. and I bet some are happy i quit and some prolly really dont even care.
I"m of the camp tho its my dirt and no one gets to air it but me lol. its hard when someone else does this its like oh great now wtf are those folks gonna think of me ::facpalm::
Now its probably my inner addict speaking but I also think oh and if i relapse? what then? what will these people think then oh geeze now instead of a few people looking at me going you relapsed how awful i'll have like 30 people stareing at me thinking who knows what. and yeah i've thought this too and i think its just my inner addict.
I said to my wife one time its not fair she can start a diet and fall off the wagon and its no big deal. If i haul off and decide i'm gonna have a drink oh hell theres gonna be big crap going down over that little choice. but it is what it is i guess.
cats out of the bag at this point. and i'm sure some think less of me. I bet some are just waiting for me to slip up again too. and I bet some are happy i quit and some prolly really dont even care.
I"m of the camp tho its my dirt and no one gets to air it but me lol. its hard when someone else does this its like oh great now wtf are those folks gonna think of me ::facpalm::
Now its probably my inner addict speaking but I also think oh and if i relapse? what then? what will these people think then oh geeze now instead of a few people looking at me going you relapsed how awful i'll have like 30 people stareing at me thinking who knows what. and yeah i've thought this too and i think its just my inner addict.
I said to my wife one time its not fair she can start a diet and fall off the wagon and its no big deal. If i haul off and decide i'm gonna have a drink oh hell theres gonna be big crap going down over that little choice. but it is what it is i guess.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Yeah zjw that's exactly what I want to avoid.... all that drama and nonsense. I don't want any of that crap.
I just had a convo with my bf and basically told him to stop inviting or expecting me to attend any of these drinking events. I don't want to be put in the situation and I'm not going to feel bad for not going so he better get used to it. I'm going to tell my best friend the same thing and my mother who I've done a lot of drinking with. Everyone get used to it, I don't want to be asked and I'm not going to feel bad for saying no. I'll go do other things, I still want to see everyone but I won't hang out if the main event is going to be getting loaded.
I just had a convo with my bf and basically told him to stop inviting or expecting me to attend any of these drinking events. I don't want to be put in the situation and I'm not going to feel bad for not going so he better get used to it. I'm going to tell my best friend the same thing and my mother who I've done a lot of drinking with. Everyone get used to it, I don't want to be asked and I'm not going to feel bad for saying no. I'll go do other things, I still want to see everyone but I won't hang out if the main event is going to be getting loaded.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by zenchaser
Yeah zjw that's exactly what I want to avoid.... all that drama and nonsense. I don't want any of that crap.
I just had a convo with my bf and basically told him to stop inviting or expecting me to attend any of these drinking events. I don't want to be put in the situation and I'm not going to feel bad for not going so he better get used to it. I'm going to tell my best friend the same thing and my mother who I've done a lot of drinking with. Everyone get used to it, I don't want to be asked and I'm not going to feel bad for saying no. I'll go do other things, I still want to see everyone but I won't hang out if the main event is going to be getting loaded.
I just had a convo with my bf and basically told him to stop inviting or expecting me to attend any of these drinking events. I don't want to be put in the situation and I'm not going to feel bad for not going so he better get used to it. I'm going to tell my best friend the same thing and my mother who I've done a lot of drinking with. Everyone get used to it, I don't want to be asked and I'm not going to feel bad for saying no. I'll go do other things, I still want to see everyone but I won't hang out if the main event is going to be getting loaded.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
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zen
Sorry to hear the way the evening played out.
I think the idea that one doesn't need to fear 'slippery' places, people ect means that we can be confident in our choices and that a commitment to abstinence isn't threatened by proximity to boozy places.
That said , not wanting to or not feeling like 'dealing with' the dealing with particular situations shouldn't mean we are doing anything the 'wrong' way , or that we aren't courageous enough. We get to make our BPs and we get to make all the other rules too ( as long as those rules don't invalidate #1 ).
The idea that you aren't 'doing' your' abstinence thing' with the requisite fearlessness and stamina is the AV trying to shake your mettle.
I guess what I mean is you can/should be confident in your resolve, even if you may not yet be comfortable in how others may view it.
The cultural/societal osmosis I mentioned before affects a broad section of people, it definitely colors how people 'see' alcoholics( as in not being able to fathom what it means for a person to have decided to never be one, ever again). In the end 'we' are just like 'them', we drink as much as we Want too !( eff'em if they can't take a joke)
Going to an occasion where the main event is boozing, hell no, I'd rather watch a 12 hr Barney the Dinosaur marathon( and I have kids so I know where of I speak). I don't shy away from 'slippery' people or places as a rule to 'protect' my resolve, but I also don't go places for what ever I reasons I choose too.
Sorry to hear the way the evening played out.
I think the idea that one doesn't need to fear 'slippery' places, people ect means that we can be confident in our choices and that a commitment to abstinence isn't threatened by proximity to boozy places.
That said , not wanting to or not feeling like 'dealing with' the dealing with particular situations shouldn't mean we are doing anything the 'wrong' way , or that we aren't courageous enough. We get to make our BPs and we get to make all the other rules too ( as long as those rules don't invalidate #1
).The idea that you aren't 'doing' your' abstinence thing' with the requisite fearlessness and stamina is the AV trying to shake your mettle.
I guess what I mean is you can/should be confident in your resolve, even if you may not yet be comfortable in how others may view it.
The cultural/societal osmosis I mentioned before affects a broad section of people, it definitely colors how people 'see' alcoholics( as in not being able to fathom what it means for a person to have decided to never be one, ever again). In the end 'we' are just like 'them', we drink as much as we Want too !( eff'em if they can't take a joke)
Going to an occasion where the main event is boozing, hell no, I'd rather watch a 12 hr Barney the Dinosaur marathon( and I have kids so I know where of I speak). I don't shy away from 'slippery' people or places as a rule to 'protect' my resolve, but I also don't go places for what ever I reasons I choose too.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Yeah you really nailed dwbtd. I wasn't anxious about my BP being tested.... I have beer in my house right now, my bf still drinks. I could open my fridge and help myself anytime. I'm a grown woman and no one tells me what to do, except myself and I choose to never drink again. IT's taken far too much from me and I am done. Forever.
It's not that I want to avoid bars because I need to protect my sobriety it's because I don't drink so why would I want to go? And I don't want to get put on the spot and questioned as to why I'm at a bar not drinking after all the years I spent drinking in bars. I'm just not going to put myself in the position. Problem solved. lol
Glad my kids have outgrown Barney, they're teens now and we watch South Park. It gets better!
It's not that I want to avoid bars because I need to protect my sobriety it's because I don't drink so why would I want to go? And I don't want to get put on the spot and questioned as to why I'm at a bar not drinking after all the years I spent drinking in bars. I'm just not going to put myself in the position. Problem solved. lol
Glad my kids have outgrown Barney, they're teens now and we watch South Park. It gets better!
Join Date: Sep 2016
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Originally Posted by zenchaser
I'm having a hard time not feeling resentful towards him. He sat down and announced it to the whole table and then they all discussed me and other people they know who have drinking problems.
Originally Posted by zenchaser
I don't know what would possess him.
Originally Posted by zenchaser
I just hate the label of alcoholic. I can call myself that but I don't want anyone else calling me it.
Originally Posted by zenchaser
I haven't even discussed this with my own parents let alone my mother in-law. And his extended family! God it makes cringe to think about what they must think about me now...... he's going to be attending his family events solo for the foreseeable future.
The Beast will definitely threaten you with 'stigmas' on account of not drinking, and suggest that you owe people 'explanations' for not drinking, to make things seem far more difficult than they really are, and to suggest that you are somehow different from others, and not a normal person.
You don't need to listen to your Beast's rubbish, however, and you could simply recognize all of that discomfort and anger at exposure as your Beast's. You could jettison that 'alcoholic' self-label, just as former smokers jettison the 'smoker' label, and not allow anyone to call you an alcoholic or an addict.
Originally Posted by zenchaser
I have beer in my house right now, my bf still drinks. I could open my fridge and help myself anytime. I'm a grown woman and no one tells me what to do, except myself and I choose to never drink again.
They are not the same thing. In the former scenario, you could open the fridge and 'help yourself' anytime by choosing to drink, whereas in the latter scenario, you could not. You would no longer have that option available.
Originally Posted by zenchaser
It's not that I want to avoid bars because I need to protect my sobriety it's because I don't drink so why would I want to go?
Are you your Beast, though? That is what saying 'I'm an alcoholic' means, more or less. It essentially amounts to saying 'I am my Beast'.
No separation.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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my issue with bars is i see the drinks flowing. and if there is smoking going on i smell that. then my mind starts thinking...... and i start watching and obsessing about it all. I woudlnt drink i just walk away from the situation like ugg all i did was obess over everyones drinking all night long *sigh*.
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Originally Posted by zenchaser
I'll go do other things, I still want to see everyone but I won't hang out if the main event is going to be getting loaded.
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Yeah I'll be the first to admit that I don't have all this figured out yet and that I can't always see where the line between me ends and my Beast begins. But I'm working on it. And nothing that happens or comes up is going to lead me back to picking up a drink, whether my diction is always correct or not.
If me not going to a bar makes me a coward or a selfish girlfriend or a failure at AVRT then frankly I don't give a damn cuz it's my life and my rules and that's just the way it is. If I want to shelter myself from being around drinkers for my entire life then I will, although I'm sure it won't always feel the way it does right now. I bet for his birthday next year I will be on steadier ground and not feel like everything is magnified. It's been 2 months, not 2 years and I'm not ready.
My past does not seem like something I can just easily shrug off yet, hopefully one day I will get to a place where I can, I'm sure I will but it's going to take time. I'm doing lots of healthier habits and developing interests and hobbies and getting my self esteem back and working on my relationships. More than just not drinking. As my new path unfolds hopefully I'll start being able to let go of my old self image. It's not like just flicking a switch though. Quitting drinking is an event but sober living is a process that I'm still figuring out.
If me not going to a bar makes me a coward or a selfish girlfriend or a failure at AVRT then frankly I don't give a damn cuz it's my life and my rules and that's just the way it is. If I want to shelter myself from being around drinkers for my entire life then I will, although I'm sure it won't always feel the way it does right now. I bet for his birthday next year I will be on steadier ground and not feel like everything is magnified. It's been 2 months, not 2 years and I'm not ready.
My past does not seem like something I can just easily shrug off yet, hopefully one day I will get to a place where I can, I'm sure I will but it's going to take time. I'm doing lots of healthier habits and developing interests and hobbies and getting my self esteem back and working on my relationships. More than just not drinking. As my new path unfolds hopefully I'll start being able to let go of my old self image. It's not like just flicking a switch though. Quitting drinking is an event but sober living is a process that I'm still figuring out.
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If I want to shelter myself from being around drinkers for my entire life then I will,
I'd say i sheltered myself some then i ventured out and relized how much i just didnt care for the dirnking culture any longer. So now mainly I just avoid it cause i jsut dont have an interest in being around it. Tho recently with doing these parades i was initially concerned good times and flowing booze and super cold temps maybe i'd cave. It really wasnt an issue. By the the time the subesequent parades rolled around I didnt htink very much of it. i almost feel as if i grew some in my behavior and issues when it comes to being around alchol. I"m still not in any hurry to go be around it tho. not so much cause i'm worried i'll drink or even the obession of it but also i jsut dont care to be around it. A non drinker in a bar setting is kinda out of place too especially if there around heavy drinkers.
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