36 and still doing the same ole....well u know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 183
36 and still doing the same ole....well u know.
How did i get here? I have been posting on this wonderful board for probably 6 years telling everyone and myself i will stop drinking. Ha, what a joke. I know i should not beat myself up but what am i? Nothing. Well no that is wrong, i am something, i am a mom first and formost, a wife, a daughter. I mean alot to alot of people and i am not looking for pity so please dont think i am. Well maybe i am looking for pity, no actually sympathy, i guess. Only you people here know what i am going through. I dont tell my mom, my dad or anyone about how bad my drinking really is. Its gotten worse and worse. I feel like i have wasted years and years of my life. My doc has prescribed something to help with my cravings but i am so gone i wont take it if i feel i want to drink. Thats how much this dumb booze has me! I want to get better, i beg my doctor to make it better but i skip my pills. I have a crap job, im depressed. But heres another thing i have always been depressed since i was like 12 yrs old. So what came first, the booze and then depression or other way around? I hope IF i can stop i can BE NORMAL again. Live life, love life. I dont enjoy anything anymore. Im tired. Can my life really turn around???
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Sydney
Posts: 5
Hi Letsdance
I think the depression comes first and then we find the booze and its like WOW I am so awesome, funny, attractive when I have a few and that makes the depression seem not so bad - that's in the beginning. Then you need more and more booze to feel that WOW and then it gets way out of control and silly things get said and done. Then comes the self-hate because of the things you have done - so you say no more booze, but you just can’t stop so you hate yourself more and that causes you to be more depressed. – That’s my take on it.
You can turn your life around, many on this board have, I myself am not there yet but hope to be soon. But I was sober once for about 6 months and it was wonderful – sadly at the age of 36 I took drinking back up and spent another 10 years doing the same and I don’t want to be 56 still doing it so I am making changes.
As you said you are a mother, wife and daughter as well as a friend to many. Do what it takes to let go of the booze and see what happens.
Corinda x
I think the depression comes first and then we find the booze and its like WOW I am so awesome, funny, attractive when I have a few and that makes the depression seem not so bad - that's in the beginning. Then you need more and more booze to feel that WOW and then it gets way out of control and silly things get said and done. Then comes the self-hate because of the things you have done - so you say no more booze, but you just can’t stop so you hate yourself more and that causes you to be more depressed. – That’s my take on it.
You can turn your life around, many on this board have, I myself am not there yet but hope to be soon. But I was sober once for about 6 months and it was wonderful – sadly at the age of 36 I took drinking back up and spent another 10 years doing the same and I don’t want to be 56 still doing it so I am making changes.
As you said you are a mother, wife and daughter as well as a friend to many. Do what it takes to let go of the booze and see what happens.
Corinda x
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
A man stood on a burning ship. Someone called to him to jump on the lifeboat. He stood, a tragic and noble figure. "I will not get off this ship until I find the cause of this fire." Maybe he thought they'd write songs about him afterwards about how brave he was. If I wrote a song about him, it'd be one about what a bloody idiot he was!
What came first the alcoholic thinking or the alcoholic drinking?!? Ya know what? It doesn't actually matter as far as taking those first steps to recovery is concerned. We all have the choice of whether we want to stay wrapped up in the problem, or if we want to get off that burning wreck and get wrapped up in the solution instead. Because the solution to both the thinking and drinking are one and the same. And the solution? Stop drinking, get a recovery plan, and work it. Every day and in all parts of our life. Because nothing changes if nothing changes. We can't change until we're willing to make changes to our lives and to our thinking (yep, even though we are already so much smarter than all those boring sober people). Until we're willing to sit through the early discomfort on the trust that it WILL get better if we keep working at it. That the long term serenity will be worth a thousand times the instant gratification we've spent so long grasping for through booze and whatever other ways we act out.
So. Is this post just a complaint, or are you ready to step towards the solution? And if so, what's your plan for sustaining sobriety and learning to make it bearable, then comfortable and one day preferable to drinking? Sympathy is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't really get us too far to be honest. Yep. You have my sympathy. I wouldn't want to be back in that place. I thank God every day that I got out and pray that I'll nevr go back, so sure, you do have my sympathy. Thing is, my sympathy won't get you out of your hole. Only acceptance of where you7ve ended up, and willingness to change can do that.
Dee's thread is a good place to start if you're ready to start getting a plan together. .. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
Wishing you all the best, and a future that holds the promise of sobriety and recovery. BB
What came first the alcoholic thinking or the alcoholic drinking?!? Ya know what? It doesn't actually matter as far as taking those first steps to recovery is concerned. We all have the choice of whether we want to stay wrapped up in the problem, or if we want to get off that burning wreck and get wrapped up in the solution instead. Because the solution to both the thinking and drinking are one and the same. And the solution? Stop drinking, get a recovery plan, and work it. Every day and in all parts of our life. Because nothing changes if nothing changes. We can't change until we're willing to make changes to our lives and to our thinking (yep, even though we are already so much smarter than all those boring sober people). Until we're willing to sit through the early discomfort on the trust that it WILL get better if we keep working at it. That the long term serenity will be worth a thousand times the instant gratification we've spent so long grasping for through booze and whatever other ways we act out.
So. Is this post just a complaint, or are you ready to step towards the solution? And if so, what's your plan for sustaining sobriety and learning to make it bearable, then comfortable and one day preferable to drinking? Sympathy is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't really get us too far to be honest. Yep. You have my sympathy. I wouldn't want to be back in that place. I thank God every day that I got out and pray that I'll nevr go back, so sure, you do have my sympathy. Thing is, my sympathy won't get you out of your hole. Only acceptance of where you7ve ended up, and willingness to change can do that.
Dee's thread is a good place to start if you're ready to start getting a plan together. .. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
Wishing you all the best, and a future that holds the promise of sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Depression can cause the drinking, but drinking also amplifies the depression, and the revolving door of alcoholism gets going into full swing.
It sounds like you've made some steps in the right direction by speaking with your doc, now in the time to take action.
Start taking your medication, therapy also would be greatly helpful to help with the depression and alcohol abuse issues. Post here before any "bad" thoughts come around, start attending AA,.. The madness can stop, it just takes some follow through. You can do it!
It sounds like you've made some steps in the right direction by speaking with your doc, now in the time to take action.
Start taking your medication, therapy also would be greatly helpful to help with the depression and alcohol abuse issues. Post here before any "bad" thoughts come around, start attending AA,.. The madness can stop, it just takes some follow through. You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
I'm fairly sure I suffer from things. Probably a lot of things. The issues I have are far worse when im drinking. Now that I have a small amount of sober time I spend a lot of time self evaluating. Learning how I can change small things like how I think or how I deal with things emotionally to help me stay sober. You can do it, it starts with ft one. We are here for you
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
If you really, really, really want to be sober, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get sober. And you aren't. Right?
You have meds, take them as prescribed...no skipping to drink. If you struggle to get sober on your own, you need help, a formal, structured program of recovery.
Once sober, you can start on the other things in your life, like the depression, which can be treated if you aren't drinking.
You have meds, take them as prescribed...no skipping to drink. If you struggle to get sober on your own, you need help, a formal, structured program of recovery.
Once sober, you can start on the other things in your life, like the depression, which can be treated if you aren't drinking.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by letsdance 
How did i get here? I have been posting on this wonderful board for probably 6 years telling everyone and myself i will stop drinking. Ha, what a joke. I know i should not beat myself up but what am i? Nothing. Well no that is wrong, i am something, i am a mom first and formost, a wife, a daughter. I mean alot to alot of people and i am not looking for pity so please dont think i am. Well maybe i am looking for pity, no actually sympathy, i guess. Only you people here know what i am going through. I dont tell my mom, my dad or anyone about how bad my drinking really is. Its gotten worse and worse. I feel like i have wasted years and years of my life. My doc has prescribed something to help with my cravings but i am so gone i wont take it if i feel i want to drink. Thats how much this dumb booze has me! I want to get better, i beg my doctor to make it better but i skip my pills. I have a crap job, im depressed. But heres another thing i have always been depressed since i was like 12 yrs old. So what came first, the booze and then depression or other way around? I hope IF i can stop i can BE NORMAL again. Live life, love life. I dont enjoy anything anymore. Im tired. Can my life really turn around???
It's not surprising that you don't enjoy things anymore, that's one of the textbook symptoms of depression and also active alcoholism. I remember the feeling like yesterday - waking knowing that my whole day would revolve around drinking alcohol. I didn't even want to drink anymore, but I HAD to in order to keep from having heart palpitations and withdrawal symptoms. Gagging down that first beer to calm my heart rate and sometimes vomiting it right back up was no fun at all.
You can absolutely turn things around, and at 36 you have a long life to live ahead of you. There are well documented and successful treatments available for depression as well as alcoholism - you just need to make the commitment to follow them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 147
Getting sober and then staying sober is work. It's not easy. But it is better. I think you have to keep trying. Don't give up. Have you tried AA meetings? A support group can be helpful. You'll meet people who have all been there and you can hopefully relate to.
Depression and anxiety and then drinking is a nasty circle. I think without drinking my depression is anxiety is better, but it's still there.
Just for today, don't drink
Depression and anxiety and then drinking is a nasty circle. I think without drinking my depression is anxiety is better, but it's still there.
Just for today, don't drink
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
well for starters putting the plug in the jug i can assure will help in time the rest starts to just work its way out.
I was in a pit of depression too and it wasnt until i quit that i was able to start to get out of it.
as far as being nothing i dunno being nothing can be liberating and freeing less expectations and so on and when I think i'm nothing i usually smile and think aint nothing wrong with that.
But i can also cry that i'm not something too (yep never satisfied) but I have to shrink my world view down a bit. sure out of all the folks on the planet i'm not even a grain of sand i bet. But in my own small world with my family and friends i am something there. I am someone to those folks. I just have to change my perspective of how my standing is in this world etc.. So yes on the grand scheeme? maybe i'm not so significant mayhbe i am how the heck would i know. But on the smaller scale i'm pretty important.
Sounds like you have to get some sober days under your belt tho soon!
I was in a pit of depression too and it wasnt until i quit that i was able to start to get out of it.
as far as being nothing i dunno being nothing can be liberating and freeing less expectations and so on and when I think i'm nothing i usually smile and think aint nothing wrong with that.
But i can also cry that i'm not something too (yep never satisfied) but I have to shrink my world view down a bit. sure out of all the folks on the planet i'm not even a grain of sand i bet. But in my own small world with my family and friends i am something there. I am someone to those folks. I just have to change my perspective of how my standing is in this world etc.. So yes on the grand scheeme? maybe i'm not so significant mayhbe i am how the heck would i know. But on the smaller scale i'm pretty important.
Sounds like you have to get some sober days under your belt tho soon!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
My doctor described alcoholism and depression to me as often comorbid (i.e. occurring at the same time) and bi-directional (i.e. a worsening of one condition will worsen the other). I describe drink and depression as BFFs.
Depression and alcoholism suck. It's really tough. It may not be easy to put into practice, but by far the best thing you can do to alleviate depression is to stop drinking. You aren't necessarily in a position solve your other health problems over night, but you can stop drinking forever now to give yourself a proper chance to get well.
Lots of us here know from bitter experience that "treating" depression and anxiety with alcohol is counter productive and ultimately extremely dangerous. My own experience was frankly hellish, ending with total agoraphobia, self-harm and blackout drinking around the clock. Things escalated quickly as the spiral got tighter and tighter...
BTW I am also 36. I'm new to recovery but just a couple of months ago, I thought that I would always be depressed and always drink. It didn't even occur to me (my addiction kept me super weak and stupid!) that both of these things are manageable medical issues and that I had the power to start helping myself get better immediately!
Depression and alcoholism suck. It's really tough. It may not be easy to put into practice, but by far the best thing you can do to alleviate depression is to stop drinking. You aren't necessarily in a position solve your other health problems over night, but you can stop drinking forever now to give yourself a proper chance to get well.
Lots of us here know from bitter experience that "treating" depression and anxiety with alcohol is counter productive and ultimately extremely dangerous. My own experience was frankly hellish, ending with total agoraphobia, self-harm and blackout drinking around the clock. Things escalated quickly as the spiral got tighter and tighter...
BTW I am also 36. I'm new to recovery but just a couple of months ago, I thought that I would always be depressed and always drink. It didn't even occur to me (my addiction kept me super weak and stupid!) that both of these things are manageable medical issues and that I had the power to start helping myself get better immediately!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,176
Drinking mass quantities of a depressant only made my depression worse.
I was amazed that quitting drinking virtually eliminated my depression. It is perhaps the greatest gift sobriety has given me. I love waking up each morning without a black cloud hanging over my head, trying to slog through another day until I could start drinking.
It doesn't really matter which came first, as I can personally attest that your depression will greatly improve once you quit drinking.
I was amazed that quitting drinking virtually eliminated my depression. It is perhaps the greatest gift sobriety has given me. I love waking up each morning without a black cloud hanging over my head, trying to slog through another day until I could start drinking.
It doesn't really matter which came first, as I can personally attest that your depression will greatly improve once you quit drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I'm so glad you posted, letsdance. I felt the same as you when I found SR. Only I was much older - having wasted a good part of my life in a fog. I was drinking every day - and absolutely miserable. Yet I was afraid to let go of it. I still don't understand how I thought that was an acceptable way to live. Reading and posting here really helped me - I was no longer alone. You can definitely reclaim your life - we are with you.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 476
I think the depression/mental issues comes first, or at least that was my experience. I mainly drank to cope with reality from what I remember.
@the OPie, I think the "invisible grip" DOES grow stronger over time, I'm luckier than most in that I only had a handful of years, so quitting wasn't as difficult in my case. My father's side of the family is full of alcohol-dependence, so that also concerned me deeply (it's in my genetics), and helped me make the decision to quit. You need to decide whether you want this thing to get worse or not, and if not you should probably get some help if you keep re-lapsing.
Best of luck....
@the OPie, I think the "invisible grip" DOES grow stronger over time, I'm luckier than most in that I only had a handful of years, so quitting wasn't as difficult in my case. My father's side of the family is full of alcohol-dependence, so that also concerned me deeply (it's in my genetics), and helped me make the decision to quit. You need to decide whether you want this thing to get worse or not, and if not you should probably get some help if you keep re-lapsing.
Best of luck....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 183
Thank you everyone. I want to apologize for not getting on here sooner to thank u all for your support and advice. But I was busy ruining my life. Aka drinking. I have a massive hangover today. I have to take my son to occupational therapy today and I feel awful about having to take him with a hangover. Wow, what kind of mom have I become? Never thought I would be here. To answer a few questions from everyone here. I am set up to get therapy. But can't get in until may. I can't do rehab as I have my 8 years old son to take care of. I don't drink everyday. I can function without alcohol, but I'm so depressed I can only go a couple days and I'm back to drinking half a bottle of whatever. It's such a warped cycle. I plan to post here more. I need support. Thanks.
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