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Relationship voids

Old 01-16-2017, 08:01 AM
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Relationship voids

What are your thoughts on moving on from romantic relationships in sobriety?

When a relationship ends there is a void left open and no one to fill it. Unless you meet someone new, the old person stays in that void of space. I guess we just naturally want someone to direct affectionate/lust feelings toward.. I for one get very pissy without somewhere to direct those feelings.

But I am not dating right now, I have 5 months of sobriety and I just started school again. How do I fill the void without complicating my life again?
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:23 AM
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I ended a long-term relationship a few months sober about 2.5 years ago and was also not mentally free of a much older story (with another alcoholic) that lasted several years prior. The two (and more) even overlapped for a while.

I generally very much enjoy close intimate relationships and also had a desire to get into a new sober romance in early sobriety, but refrained from it because there were so many other areas of my life that I could focus on and that kept me busy... including developing new, sober connections and friendships. I also did not feel mentally fit at the time for the kind of romantic connections I desired. The friendships satisfied me for a while as at least a couple of them tended to have the depth and intensity that I generally liked in human interactions. Maybe something to explore for you? I personally think (and thought in most of my adult life) that close friendships can be just as valuable, if not more, than romantic relationships. And they tend to be more drama-free in general. Of course there is the question what everyone defines as "friendship" but that is exactly the task to figure out, to find interesting and fulfilling connections with people without the twisted infatuation many of us addicts tend to like in our so-called love relationships.

Also, maybe focus on developing connections through some professional life area that you are interested in, or your spiritual endeavors. Try to think outside of the box and find new satisfying forms of interactions and experiences rather than seeking and repeating old patterns. It may take a while to let go of old patterns (it definitely did for me) but I think it's a meaningful relationship goal in sobriety. Try new things
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:27 AM
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Not all relationships have to be romantic. Not all social interaction needs to result in complicating your life.

Find people who can provide those social "strokes" we need for our emotional health, our esteem. Friends, acquaintances, classmates--that interaction can fill the void to some extent. Stop thinking the only plug for the hole is love.

And it sounds clichéd, but learn to love yourself. That can go a long way in shrinking that void you speak of.
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Old 01-16-2017, 08:42 AM
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It's more about intimacy than social interaction. I am not going to be intimate with coworkers, classmates, fellow parishioners.. nor will I want to be. I guess the problem is the leftover desires for a person that's no longer there, but at the same time not wanting to shift that energy on to someone else, but I don't know what to do with it..
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Old 01-16-2017, 09:11 AM
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Well, what does intimacy mean to you apart from the most obvious, sexual elements? What is exactly the attraction in being intimate with another person? As I said above, for me close friendships can quite easily provide a great deal of the kind of intimacy and connection that I like. A good friend or two that I have a lot in common with, including mutual trust, openness and willingness to be personal, people who also have similar interests so that we have plenty of areas for conversation and shared activities. I had a few friendships like that in my life that were far more fulfilling than the average romance.
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Old 01-16-2017, 09:34 AM
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If it's really about intimacy and not relationships that's an entirely different question. If that's the case you probably need to examine your motives before anything else. As you've seen already, even emotional intimacy can create problems if there is not an existing relationship in place first. The pleasure that intimacy promises is in many cases just like alcohol in that there are lots of other things that go along with it that we don't think it until after its too late.

Your desires and thoughts on this are really something you could explore a lot further with a counselor or therapist...and possibly help you get at the core of the issue. It's quite possible that your addiction to alcohol and relationship/intimacy obsession is related.
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Old 01-16-2017, 09:44 AM
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There's a great recovery writer called Patrick Carnes who states that "All addictions have at their root a failure in Intimacy", or words to that effect.

Some mileage in that I believe. Lots of folks with eating disorders, alcoholism and "love addiction" if you will have difficulty with genuine intimacy. Knowing others, being known, maintaining healthy friendships and relationships. ..

One of the tasks of a break up is to deal with the feelings underneath. Identify problematic patterns of behaviour, acknowledge feelings and fears etc without running into a new distraction or a chemical numbing.

So...it's good to deal with breakups by sitting with it and growing. In my experience and opinion. Sometimes that process takes a loooong time. Which is a real bummer

P
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Old 01-16-2017, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
What are your thoughts on moving on from romantic relationships in sobriety?

When a relationship ends there is a void left open and no one to fill it. Unless you meet someone new, the old person stays in that void of space. I guess we just naturally want someone to direct affectionate/lust feelings toward.. I for one get very pissy without somewhere to direct those feelings.

But I am not dating right now, I have 5 months of sobriety and I just started school again. How do I fill the void without complicating my life again?
I'll try to clarify. The void is not of relationships in general it is of romantic relationships and the intimate feelings that go along with it. There is no void of platonic relationships.
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Old 01-16-2017, 10:42 AM
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There are a lot of times when I know something is off and I just want it fixed, but I can't even pinpoint what the problem is, let alone articulate it clearly enough for someone else to give the response that helps for me.
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Old 01-16-2017, 10:45 AM
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It sounds like you may be trying to fix a spiritual hole with another person. That doesn't really work. What we need to do is give ourselves time to grow on the inside. Give yourself a chance BC... this is still early days for your recovery.

One thing to not do though, is try to patch a problem with a person, or get into relationships merely for what the person can give us - that's just objectification and always tends to end badly. I'd suggest just focussing on the fruits of the spirit, your recovery, and your growing relationship with God and your church. Trust God to send the right person your way when you're ready for it, and your growth will continue to be good and healthy. Besides, intimacy is best when a relationship has been able to naturally germinate and grow into reciprocated love and respect.
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
I'll try to clarify. The void is not of relationships in general it is of romantic relationships and the intimate feelings that go along with it. There is no void of platonic relationships.
Have you tried practicing intimacy in platonic relationships? Obvuously by that I mean non-physical Intimacy.

Sounds peculiar... but for me opening up and being vulnerable with friends wasn't something I ever considered.

There's a temptation to look for 'the one' who can be everything in one package, and to believe that other people can't provide things like emotional fulfillment and unconditional acceptance. That's destructive I think to relationships and friendships.

What am I trying to say? Balance. Expecting less fulfillment from a partner and maybe more from friends.

P
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:52 PM
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I think paulokes is suggesting the same thing as I did above. I tried (many times and in more ways I could count) to substitute the intimacy that's only really possible between human beings with philosophical, spiritual, and other so called "higher order" pursuits... intellectual things... never been successful for me. Rather, it is what can create a hole in my soul that I keep expanding by looking to fulfill different needs in the wrong places. I think that there are human needs that can only really be satisfied in their appropriate domains and trying to substitute ("filling the void") with something very different is not going to be successful in many, if not most, cases. Maslow's Pyramid comes to mind... I have always loved that concept as, for me, it describes beautifully the different levels of human needs and how there is a certain hierarchy between them, i.e. we do need to have some basic things fulfilled in meaningful ways in order to even be able to begin exploring the next level. I don't think about the hierarchy as absolute and true in a rigid way, but some of it definitely. For example, whenever I tried to aim for more abstract and "higher" pursuits, or even just meaningful intimacy, but at the same time I had big holes on some basic survival and security needs, it's no more than a house of cards that can be extremely vulnerable and even collapse with every little interference. One of my biggest mistakes earlier in life, I think, was to always aim for the higher domains of existence without caring much about the basics. A lesson learned really in the hard way for me. Also, I think we very often tend to deny some of our basic needs and push it away from consciousness -- then they easily come back as some kind of seemingly mysterious, obscure lack or void in our lives that we desperately want to fill with projections and things that do not really fit, or erase somehow.

But back to relationships, many different versions of interpersonal closeness, vulnerability and a very enjoyable state of being together and exploring life and ourselves (what intimacy mostly entails for me) is possible to find in different kinds of relationships. Platonic friendships, mentor-mentee relationships, I would say I have that quality even with one of my therapists. Each and every relationship is different and can fulfill unique needs. I think that hoping and trying to find "everything" in one package is little more but a romantic illusion and also a potentially quite destructive construct.

I also very much agree with Scott and Berrybean that it may be beneficial to explore the true nature of that need and void you speak of. Of course we cannot easily guess and interpret from a distance what it might be for you, I believe these things are highly personal and only truly make sense in the context of your own personality, history, aspirations etc.
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:52 PM
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Straight to the point, I am talking about sexuality here. Friendships don't get sexual so that doesn't address what's missing in any way, for me.
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
It sounds like you may be trying to fix a spiritual hole with another person. That doesn't really work. What we need to do is give ourselves time to grow on the inside.
what berrybean said.
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:55 PM
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Maslow's came to mind for me as well. You can't sub one thing for another just because it's on the same level of the pyramid. I can't satisfy sexual desires with friendships with women any more than I can take care of my oxygenation needs by drinking water,
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Old 01-16-2017, 12:57 PM
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Well. I think your catholic priest would give you fairly straightforward guidance on this BC. Fruits of the spirit over ways of the flesh.
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Old 01-16-2017, 01:02 PM
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I'd also add a note of caution. Many of the 'needs' that led me, and later kept me, in the mire, turned out to be mere desires. Wants. Selfish pursuits. NOT 'needs' at all.


Wisdom: The ability to discern that which will give long term happiness and serenity over short term gratification??
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Old 01-16-2017, 01:04 PM
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Regardless of intellectual awareness of that and my best efforts to ignore a part of myself because I don't want to sin, I am never going to have a strong enough mind to block out all sexual desire and be content with that, I'm human.
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Old 01-16-2017, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
I'd also add a note of caution. Many of the 'needs' that led me, and later kept me, in the mire, turned out to be mere desires. Wants. Selfish pursuits. NOT 'needs' at all.


Wisdom: The ability to discern that which will give long term happiness and serenity over short term gratification??
I gotta back up Maslow, though, I believe sex is a basic need of human beings. It is going to show up on my first nursing exam next week lol
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Old 01-16-2017, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
I gotta back up Maslow, though, I believe sex is a basic need of human beings. It is going to show up on my first nursing exam next week lol
I have a similar view, have never been one to exist on intellectual or spiritual food. Often envied those that apparently do... but also tend to have some skepticism that such a life can truly be fulfilling. Also an age thing I believe, for many people.

Well, if you miss sex from your life, maybe denying it to yourself is not the best idea? I think there are many different relationship constructs that can involve it. I did not withdraw sex from myself when I got sober, just did not engage emotionally very turbulent and taxing relationships for a while. But I never had the dilemma of viewing sex as a sin or an obsession (more that it should be done in ways that is acceptable for everyone involved and certain relationships can be obsessional for sure), so cannot comment on that part. Maybe others can.
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