Db1105

I had to learn to have a relationship with myself before I could handle a relationship with someone else.

shortstop81

I don't have much to add, other than I think I fall into the same behaviour patterns, Brenda. I need an object of fixation - whether it's reciprocal or not.

Currently I'm in a bit of a stalemate with my current relationship. My old pattern would be to immediately go and find someone else to fulfill that need of mine. So now I'm doing the exact opposite - sitting with the ambiguity. Accepting the fact that I'm *not* emotionally ready to venture into a healthy intimate relationship.

It's hard as HELL most days. In fact, today was a particularly bad day in that regard. I feel so romantically lonely, which makes it so clear to me that I don't know how to simply be content with myself (as cliche as that sounds).

ScottFromWI

You didn't answer the question. What are you seeking here?

BrendaChenowyth

I do not know that, Scott. That is why I didn't answer your question, Scott.

paulokes

A really intriguing question is..."what is support"?

Some face to face support groups are quite "non-directive". People have the opportunity to speak and be heard, others just listen. Other groups are quite brutal...the whole purpose is that other members can and will provide feedback, air their own thoughts and maybe call each other out etc with the aim of helping each other to a better understanding. Both of those there are support. Neither are rescuing.

P

tomsteve

so, youd rather be pleasing to men rather than pleasing to God

For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

tomsteve

you may want to think about what you consider support, brenda, because the majority of people here show that by giving solutions, which you keep deflecting and giving excuses why the solutions arent right for you.

humility never hurt anyone. lack of it has destroyed nations.

BrendaChenowyth

Nevermind.

PhoenixJ

I see people around me in early recovery go looking for a meaningful relationship to fill that void. Unfortunately they look for the wrong reasons. It is not like looking for a house- with a checklist of must-haves. These people often fall prey to 13 steppers. Predators who play on their vulnerabilities to suit their own carnal needs. Another is 2 people who are codies both- who need anyone in their life who pay them attention.
There is an old phrase- to get into a relationship- the alcie should look after a house plant for a year. If the plant survives- get a pet. If that survives a year- then see what happens.
I think if a relationship with a person happens slowly, naturally and evolves over time- great. For me being close to a year sober- it is far too early. I would be aware of my past, the need to be honest- but how much? The feeling of burden as to another person sharing their problems and wanting to support them when I am still sorting out my own mess. Friendships are fine. There is a reason, however- why AA stresses sponsors should be of the same gender as the sponsee. Feelings, emotions- intent and communication can easily be confused. My spiritual side is still waking up. The real me is still asserting itself. How can I possibly know what I am looking for in others- if I am still coming to terms with what I think about myself?

fini

i agree with your statement here.
and that's what you're getting from all responders here. it may not look like support t o you, but i bet everyone who posted here did it with intent to support.
that just comes in different ways.
my way of support used to be questioning, but it wsn't often appreciated by most people, so i mostly stopped, as it's frustrating to both parties.
just one way of many.

BrendaChenowyth

I don't mean to frustrate anyone. It is frustrating for ME to not know what I need or want.

shortstop81

I think that goes for a lot of people in recovery.

paulokes

Indeed. Wouldn't say that people are frustrated, I know I'm not. Also not trying to rescue or fix anything by responding...quite the opposite, it's about having open conversations about these things...sharing experiences

The slightly more direct remark earlier was just because...like I said...it's just so apparent

P

fini

understood.
and i was simply speaking about MY experience of the way i like to support being frustrating for many. or seeming aggressive, intrusive, pushy...whatever.

so....i understand the urgent desire to fill what we experience as void....but there is no need to. it just feels that way.
sitting with a void for a long time led me to see that what i thought might be required to fill it wasn't actually the real "filler", so to speak. the shape of the thing i wanted to use to fill it with and the shape of the void didn't really match up too well.
sitting with all this was the first step in getting a better view of the shape of the void, so to speak.

Dee74

I stopped expecting other people to fill a void in me, which was the way I handled love for most of my life.

I worked hard, thought about what would make me happy and self complete, and filled that void myself - takes a lot of pressure off my partner

D

Ken33xx

If you meet a guy you like and he likes you take it from there.

As far as not complicating your life there are rarely guarantees in a relationship.

However, if you aren't looking for anything too serious the more upfront the better.

About AA romances: I would think twice before getting into one. They almost ensure complications.

sg1970

I'm just going to throw this out there. I was crazy as a june bug at 5 months of sobriety. I had no idea who I really was. A big mix of emotions, anxiety, brain fog, etc... I was also married and pretty obsessed with wanting to know which direction that would go. Someone told me to just focus on myself for awhile and that was the best advice I got. I took all that energy and put it into myself and my recovery. Perhaps you could as well?

BrendaChenowyth

I like to think one day I will attract a man who is not my father. Did that sound as strange to you as it did to me? LoL. I tend to be VERY VERY drawn to alcoholic men, especially if they are much older.

AA is the LAAAAST place I would go hunting for a new man. I am very hopeful that this man (who is still very much on my mind) was the last one in the pattern, now that I am aware of what it is and why it is.

I think I would even go as far as to say one of the reasons I am so hesitant to attend AA meetings, is because I wish not to engage with any more alcoholic men. So I think that even though I have been able to identify what some of my intimacy problems are or were, I have not yet come up with a way to replace the unhealthy with healthy alternatives.. nor have I pinpointed what those would be!

BrendaChenowyth

See, I got to a really good place with lots of clarity around 3 months, and since Thanksgiving I have been in withdrawal from the man who was a stand-in for my father.. I have been sober in that I have abstained from alcohol, but a lot of addictive behaviors are still wreaking havoc.

I wanted to go back to school with a few months of sobriety under my belt, and last week I did go back, at 140 days sober. And I don't feel the calmness or the clarity that I expected would be even more solidified in me than it was back in November. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me and I haven't been able to get back on my feet.

I guess I thought that sobriety was the end to suffering somehow. That when I got alcohol out of the way, there'd be nothing left in my way.

Ken33xx

Lol.

Good luck.