NewRomanMan

Hi All. Looking for some feedback. I'm 45 years old and 22 months sober. (I've been an alcoholic since age 19) I'm a father of two and recently divorced. (less than 2 years). Everything in my life has improved since I got sober. And I mean everything. My relationship with my daughters is better than it ever has been (they're 13 and 9), my relationship with my parents is better, and my relationship with my ex is about as good as it can be. We're very civil with each other and get along pretty well (she initiated the divorce). I raided my 401(k) and bought a house and a nice used car. I've got a decent job and have made lots of new friends in recovery. I go to AA meetings regularly , have a sponsor who I spend a huge amount of time with, I have a sponsee as well. Everything is going better than I ever could have imagined. So why am I still on this emotional roller coaster? One morning I wake up and feel good, by the time I go to bed I'm miserable and praying for death. One minute I can laugh with friends and be content and the next I'm cursing my life and wishing I was dead. I realize I'm still grieving my divorce and I'll admit I've been angry (or is it disappointed in God) for the failure of my marriage. Ever since I was a kid and watched my parents struggle to make their marriage work, all I ever wanted out of life was a healthy marriage and family. I realize my alcoholism took it's toll on my ex, but part of me is angry and hurt that God could not or would not help us reconcile after I got sober. Sorry for being long winded...is this just nasty ego crap on my part or are these emotional ups and downs par for the course in early sobriety? I'm trying to figure out, what is my own BS, what is the grief from the divorce, and what is acclimating to a new sober lifestyle. I'm confused and frustrated.

Gilmer

This seems very normal. Your life has been upended with the divorce. You are stepping up to the plate and handling things very maturely.

Let the various emotions wash over you; don't try to suppress or deny them--but keep your feet firmly grounded in your faith and your sobriety. Vent to your support network as much as you need to. These are understandable resentments you're struggling with.

Time heals all wounds. Know that you're perfectly human, and carry on the way you have been. You'll come out eventually on the other side.

Mklove

I agree with Gilmer, it seems typical of human nature to go back and forth between calming and peaceful thoughts and those less positive but still very real. I am now at 6 months and feel really good about most of my healthy choices but still feel desperate and ungrounded. Thanks Gilmer for the suggestion to let these feelings wash over me..........sometimes I'm not sure how to get away from my fears of inadequacy at work, loneliness without my BFF gone too soon. I literally have to remember to smile, shower, eat well, put one foot in front and then sometimes I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that I have a job where people need me, have a warm home and husband........glad we are all sober and can share this stuff.

Maudcat

One of the hardest things for me when I stopped drinking was to "sit" with unpleasant feelings or sadness. Before sobriety I would dash for the bourbon. I think it'normal to feel what you're feeling. Do you and your sponsor talk about it? That can be helpful..

NewRomanMan

We talk about it quite a bit. He's been a lifesaver for me. I try not to talk about it too much anymore cuz number one I think I've probably talked about it far more than he wanted to hear lol and the other reason is because I just feel like I should be over this by now. Shouldn't I have just put this all behind me by now? I know everyone heals at their own pace when things happen in life but part of me is kind of PO'd that I can't just force myself out of this rut by sheer force of will.

KAD

Welcome and thanks for your story. It is similar to mine. I'm 51, going on 20 months sober, divorced for 7 years, with 2 children who are 15 and 13. I can relate to the emotional rollercoaster you described, although the reasons for mine are somewhat different. My ex is remarried and can't stand me. I've offered to make amends and she rejected me. She has rejected efforts to just try to find a middle ground for the sake of our kids. My personal challenge is in regard to my children. My relationship with them was severely disrupted by my drinking and, now, lingering resentments on behalf of my ex are perpetuating the disruption. One day, one minute, I'll feel like things are getting better and I feel hopeful. The next...feels like I'm fighting impossible odds. For me, it does take a conscious, consistent effort to remind myself how far I've come, that no matter what else happens, I'm no longer the lost, messed up person I was when everything went south. I just have to go on another day, doing the best I can. Anyway, I can relate very much to what you're going through. Keep posting. Maybe we can keep each other encouraged.

Maudcat

I don't think there's a timeline for grief. You are grieving a loss. Loss of your marriage, loss of the life you wanted to have, even the loss of your best friend, alcohol. Though your life is immeasurably better since you stopped drinking, you still have sadness. I think this will pass in time. Peace.

waynetheking

Perhaps it's time to start dating again and move on. A new partner in life can really change things.
Stay sober, stay strong. God's plan is awesome!

aasharon90

I remember folks in meetings I attended
say to me and newcomers, stay sober,
go to meetings and hold on for the ride
of your life.

I did and took every word that was
spoken by many of those who found
success in recovery themselves very
serious as my life depended on it.

So many changes, so many ups and
downs, so many twists, turns and forks
in the road relying on my Faith and
recovery program guiding me with
every step I have been taking for the
past 26 yrs.

When one door closes another one
opens up to us as we grow and mature
in sobriety with more gifts of the Promises
coming true for us to be grateful for
and never take for granted.

As long as I continue to travel along
my road of recovery on my journey
in life, remaining true and honest in
all my affairs, accepting life on lifes
terms, to remember that I am just
one of many who make up this world,
allow myself to be human and not
perfect, and place my will and life
into the Hands of my HP for guidance,
strength, unconditional love then
I have a better chance of remaining
sober and seeing the sunrise for another
day.

Be sure we eat well, get our vitamins,
exercise, fresh air, sunlight, have happy
thoughts, positive, avoid stress, resentments,
visit your physician for a full check up, mental,
physical, emotional, spiritually, take time to
meditate and slow down to smell the flowers
along the pathway, help brothers and sisters
in recovery by sharing your own ESH experiences,
strengths and hopes of what your life was and
is like before, during and after alcohol or drugs.

Just a few thoughts to pass on your way.

NewRomanMan

Thank you all very much for sharing your encouragement. It really does help. It's hard to find faith that things will feel normal someday. But it's still better than what it used to br.

NYCDoglvr

As someone with 25 years of sobriety, it took a lot of work (the steps, therapy, sponsoring others) and many years to achieve peace of mind. In sobriety I've had big success, failure, a broken heart and held my dog as he died and I got through it all by staying close to the program. We get tools to help us through the rough times and sometimes outside help is critical. When I'm feeling self-pity my sponsor says "you sound like you should go to a meeting and talk to a newcomer". The more service I do, the better my life is. Just keep on keeping on.

CAPTAINZING2000

They say that the 1st year is about physical health, the 2nd year is emotional and the 3rd year is spiritual.

The first year of my sobriety was a gift from God.

Your sponsor ever get you to write a gratitude list yet?

My last divorce left me homeless at 14 years sober. Fortunately, my kids are grown.

There has been some good replies to this. Like Sharon suggested exercise is always a good thing to do. Any projects you've put off? Staying busy keeps you from dwelling on things so much. Call guys in the program see if they want to ride along to a meeting. Sign up to chair meetings etc.

JeffreyAK

It can take a couple years to get over a divorce, the biggest emotional roller coaster most people will ever go through. And it can take a couple years to stabilize in sobriety. Combine the two, and I don't know, but sounds like you're doing fine.

I know I was a basket case after my divorce 25 years ago, without any significant alcohol use. It was probably two years before I even realized how messed up I had been.

tomsteve

good on ya for 22 months!
until I truly understood how to put the principles into action in my life I put pen to paper often- a mini 4th step, 10th step inventory....whatever ya want to call it. quite amazing results when its on paper and I saw the EXACT problem.
then I could work on solutions.

some of life on lifes terms can really mess with a person- death of a loved one, terminal illness, divorce, loss of employement,etc.

even if that person has years of recovery.

keep on trudging!
and put pen to paper might be wise.

teatreeoil007

Minus any other challenges, midlife can be a challenge all its own. Many people are more emotional for a period of time when they hit midlife. Add to that recent divorce, being a single parent, and just life happening I would be surprised if one were not emotional. Divorce, especially with kids involved can really take it out of ya. Hang in there....

Gottalife

Grief can be a wild uncontrollable ride. A roller coaster of emotional ups and downs, anger, sadness, a whole parcel of things at an intensity we have never felt before. We can really wonder if there is something seriously wrong with us.

My course was to talk to a grief counsellor. She put my mind to rest very quickly, explaining that my extreme emotions were normal in grief. My aa buddies and me, we know a little bit about how to stay sober, but there are a plethora of life issues about which we are not competent to advise. The professionals can be a great help.

teatreeoil007

I was going to add that divorce may feel like a death. It's a HUGE loss to cope with. The grieving process can take awhile and there is no set time frame before you feel like it's finally done. I would venture to say in so many cases people are not given enough time to really grieve and heal; the process is often rushed, just like so many other things are rushed.

advbike

I believe you're struggling with Acceptance.. which is an ego thing, to get back to your question. There is a saying that "Whenever I am disturbed, the disturbance is within me". It's true. When that happens, we are not accepting things as they are. The ego is still trying to run the show. You are not letting your higher power do so.

There is a small book that might really help you - it is called Awareness, by Anthony DeMello, a Jesuit priest. It is really worth a read. It might change your life, it certainly helped me. Good luck to you. Life can be awesome.

WeDoRecover12

Maybe this will help... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51Iyk-UaMW8

involved

Maybe I am taking my qualifiers inventory here but it is also part of my story...B is an alcoholic addict who was divorced by his wife when their daughter was 5....that was 20 years ago... he has never let her go and has put a huge strain on his relationship with daughter because he manipulates her to maintain relationship with her mother who has moved on and has a good life. B is now 11 months sober, but has stopped working a program because he "feels better than he ever has"...no sponsor and not many meetings. The unhealthy behavior to maintain his relationship with the ex and his denial which prevents him from doing the work to attain closure of that past relationship has now ended our relationship. No woman wants to be with a man who still wants to be with another woman! Please do not jump into a relationship (as someone suggested) just to help dull your feelings. Getting under someone so you can get over someone is using selfish self centered behavior and imo...causes harm.