sam1

Hey guys. I have a feeling my wife is getting close to rock bottom.
Even though in our conversations last night she was 2 sheets to the wind. She has asked me to stop the divorce proceedings for her to go in rehab and for us to go to counseling. Part of me feels like she is doing this to prolong everything and this is her last ditch effort to keep everything status quo. I'm still catching her in lies about everything. I honestly don't feel like she shows any remorse for her affair. I also can't believe she drove our daughter around drunk months on end. If she wasn't running out of money and options I believe none of this would be happening (I removed the enabling). Has anyone experienced these swings in attitude and mood?
Please help because I feel like she has only had 24 hrs of clarity while I have battled this for months.

Part of me feels like I must stay the course to protect my daughter......she must come first......reconciliation can only come on the other side with sobriety and happiness. I can't be married to someone spiritually, financially and with a 100% trust when I have zero trust .

Please help me I'm so torn between two worlds.......Everything I read on this board tells me you can't believe anything they say while using.

zjw

logically i'd tell you to stay the course. it makes the most sense. she cant be trusted and i'm sure she could justify any of her actions in her head and to you as to why it was ok for her to do the things she did. Untill you see solid progress on the sober path i'd just keep heading the same course.

Thats all easier said then done tho. Emotionally i'd be a trainwreck and inclined to keep tolerating it for longer at the expense of my sanity and kids safety etc... so i see why this is difficult.

ScottFromWI

Divorce proceedings take quite a long time, so if she's truly serious about going to rehab she could most likely do so immediately - like today even. Is she willing to do that?

Bunny211

Go to Al-Anon.......it will help you.

entropy1964

That's pretty tough to say. When is she leaving for rehab? How long will she commit to staying in rehab? Has she tried to get sober in the past?

An active alcoholic certainly can't be trusted. I don't know your story but when you say she shows no remorse for her affair, that's a big red flag. She probably sees her world crashing around her and will say anything to keep that from happening. Until she's solidly in rehab, working a program, she probably can't be trusted. Even then she probably can't be trusted until she's demonstrated that she is really changing. How long that takes is up to you.

Do you still love her?

sam1

That's the hardest thing because as the non addict I hope and pray everything can get back to the way things were. I do love my wife....and always will.... my gut tells me if she had access to more money and wasn't on the brink of losing everything this wouldn't even be an option. I don't hear I love you so much....I'm sorry....lets do whatever is possible to fix this. I don't know how 24 hrs of her feeling bad/sad for the consequences makes up for months of my worry and guilt. 4 Months ago when things weren't so bad she told me she checked out of the marriage

sam1

She has to respond to my petition within 20 days.
Does not leave her a lot of time and she/her family will most likely need to come up with a 5k retainer. Like I said I have cut her off from money while she was in addiction.

sam1

I do love her.....but not what she has become or done. Even the risk she has put our family at. I'm a true believer that infidelity is a marriage breaker thru and thru. I never grew up with that. She has had addiction issues in her past.....at a very young age 16-22. She even had a relapse a couple years into dating me. We broke up for 4 months while she attempted to straighten herself out. I just see this as the cycle repeating itself and I have no idea of the things she did the first time around. When sober she is a wonderful loving person.

entropy1964

I hear ya Sam. Sounds to me like she needs to focus on her recovery, and you need to focus on you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Infidelity is very tough. And lying is a form of infidelity. I believe in order for this to work long term you would have to be able to completely forgive her. Otherwise you will deal with years of resentment and distrust. Trust me, that isn't a livable situation. And that has nothing to do with what she must do to earn your trust. That is out of your control. I believe if you focus on you and what you must do, your answer will become apparent.

When I read your posts I believe you have answered your own questions. Take care of you and your child.

ScottFromWI

She should be able to find a rehab in less than 20 days. It sounds to me like you've made a decision though and you should stick by it. Of course she's going to show remorse after being removed from her home, her children and her source of income. Addicts are absolute experts at taking advantage of others...which she could still absolutely be doing.

Algorithm

My advice remains the same as before, and now is probably a good time to offer her a choice. The marriage and the family, or the addiction. She may choose the family. She has 'worked on the problem' before, but never really solved it, judging from what you have said.

Please note that I make a distinction between "getting help" and quitting forever. I'm not inclined to recommend throwing anyone out when there is a chance at family reconciliation, particularly with children are involved. Consider forcing her to finally choose once and for all.

Grungehead

My experience has been that if she wants to get sober she will go to rehab regardless of whether or not you move forward with the divorce proceedings. I used the "I'll get sober if..." routine on loved ones more than once and it was just a stall tactic. When I was finally ready to get sober for me I just did it with no bargaining involved.

sam1

Thanks man. That right there makes me feel better about moving this forward. I didn't feel any sincerity in our conversation last night. Almost like ok.....I will do this cause I don't have any other option.

ScottFromWI

Here's another way of looking at it Sam. You ask what you should believe vs. what you shouldn't believe. I would suggest that you should believe in action vs talk. Sounds to me like all she's doing is talking about rehab right now. If she were to actually admit herself to rehab that would be one thing, and even then you would have a long, long way to go. But right now all I see is words and no action. That's common for addicts of course..I was guilty of it myself back in the day.

steve-in-kville

I have to agree with this. Divorce should be avoided at all costs, especially if there are children involved. But she needs make an effort on her part first... then re-evaluate the entire situation.

As mentioned a few times before.... as addicts we all said/did whatever it took to get what we wanted, or to avoid loosing it all.

Gottalife

Sam, we can't make a judgement obout your wife's sincerity. But there are some things that we know that might help you.

Firstly, you didn't cause this and you can't fix it.
Secondly, alcoholics can and do get sober regardless of anything, even divorce. For some like me, finding ourselves in the position of having lost everything, friends and family included, was actually the ideal circumstances in which to get sober.

And also for some, like me, people who tolerated my behavior, made excuses for me, covered up for me, tried to help with the best of intentions were actually enabling me in my own destruction. Alcoholics and other addicts can get desperate near the end. They are like trapped animals, dodging, ducking and diving, looking for any way to avoid capture. They are very sick people.

The only safe course is to do what you know is best for you and your children. What happens with your wife is out of your hands. There is always the possibility that she will get well. A good sign of that is when she approaches you to honestly discuss her behaviour, shows contrition and a desire to set matters right. When this happens, often reconciliation and a restoration of trust can follow, but it all takes time, and it never seems to follow the schedule we would like it to.

Trust your heart, if you have a God, pray for guidance and strength.

teatreeoil007

I don't know which one is worse: The cheating; or the addiction.

You are looking at both...Many folks are of the mind that cheating is a separate issue from addiction. If you end up staying together there is a whole lot of forgiveness, healing and re-building trust that needs to happen for it to be a happy marriage. Do you think you can do that?

She needs to be honest. How did you find out about the affair? Did she tell you because she was being honest with you or did she get 'caught'?

You also need to be honest about what her actions tell you, what you are really seeing and what you know to be true. Yes, look at her actions. Also past behavior is sometimes a predictor of future behavior. This stuff is really really hard, especially with kids involved. Hang in there...

JeffreyAK

A lot of us acted more or less like your wife when we were active addicts, and there's always going to be an element of self-hatred involved that gets projected out, so take everything with a grain of salt and do what you think is best. No one can say where she is on the recovery path, but I do know that if my wife hadn't stuck with me at the end - despite all my previous history (admittedly that did not involve cheating) - I would not have survived. On the other hand, how many times can you go through this yourself? One thing that is definitely true, if she doesn't get some solid clean and sober time - whether that's her willpower or forced upon her - she won't begin to see how far down the hole she's gone, and she probably won't begin to feel real remorse.

Berrybean

Hi Sam. I haven't got much to add, but just thought I'd suggest posting your question on the board in the friends and family area as well as on here. Those folks are dealing with and have dealt with just what you're going through now.

I hope things turn out well and happy for you and yours.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

sam1

I caught her in the affair. Right up to the very last moment she kept making more excuses and lies. Saying she was with different people etc. If I didn't put in methods to find out what she was doing I would have never known. All of it was surrounded by the bar scene and going out for drinks.