Question on what I should and shouldn't beleive
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Originally Posted by sam1 
I caught her in the affair. Right up to the very last moment she kept making more excuses and lies. Saying she was with different people etc. If I didn't put in methods to find out what she was doing I would have never known. All of it was surrounded by the bar scene and going out for drinks.
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Hey guys..... Just a quick update I have moved forward with the divorce process and the wife has moved in with her parents. She says she has stopped drinking etc but I don't know what to believe anymore.....started driving our kid to daycare again saying she has everything under control. I don't believe her and I felt like I was helping by giving her visitation but now know that I need to proceed with an emergency injunction. The deal was for her parents to pickup and drop off our son. I can't believe you can go from full blown dependency/ shakes to nothing in 2 weeks. I confronted her about the affair and she still denies everything. Matter of fact she has become more aggressive and angry towards me with an F U attitude. Where did the women I love go? She use to be sweet, kind and giving. The outright hate towards me is insane....she is getting her marching orders from her party girlfriend/ divorced alcoholic friend. I just have no clue how she has lost her path so much. Just saddens me everyday.
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Sorry to hear that Sam. Best of luck with the emergency injunction, not sure exactly what that means but if it helps you and your daughter be safe then it's a good move.
And yes, it is hard to believe but alcohol can completely destroy a person and literally make them into a person you never knew. The woman you loved is probably still inside somewhere, but no one can get her back unless your wife decides to do it.
Sounds like you made a good call about not calling of the divorce proceedings for her to enter rehab either since she didn't follow through.
And yes, it is hard to believe but alcohol can completely destroy a person and literally make them into a person you never knew. The woman you loved is probably still inside somewhere, but no one can get her back unless your wife decides to do it.
Sounds like you made a good call about not calling of the divorce proceedings for her to enter rehab either since she didn't follow through.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Sorry to hear that Sam. Best of luck with the emergency injunction, not sure exactly what that means but if it helps you and your daughter be safe then it's a good move.
And yes, it is hard to believe but alcohol can completely destroy a person and literally make them into a person you never knew. The woman you loved is probably still inside somewhere, but no one can get her back unless your wife decides to do it.
Sounds like you made a good call about not calling of the divorce proceedings for her to enter rehab either since she didn't follow through.
And yes, it is hard to believe but alcohol can completely destroy a person and literally make them into a person you never knew. The woman you loved is probably still inside somewhere, but no one can get her back unless your wife decides to do it.
Sounds like you made a good call about not calling of the divorce proceedings for her to enter rehab either since she didn't follow through.
She's been telling me that she has quit. It was a situational drinking.....That she is providing a hair follicle test to prevent me from taking the kids. Trying to take that defense against me in court. Lots of defensive threats. I'm hoping that she is getting better but the odds are it isn't happening. It almost feels like its scramble mode with everything
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Here's another way of looking at it Sam. You ask what you should believe vs. what you shouldn't believe. I would suggest that you should believe in action vs talk. Sounds to me like all she's doing is talking about rehab right now. If she were to actually admit herself to rehab that would be one thing, and even then you would have a long, long way to go. But right now all I see is words and no action. That's common for addicts of course..I was guilty of it myself back in the day.
Cutting to the chase, I'd want my spouse to go TODAY. Do not stop, do not pass go, enough of this BS-ing around, DONE. I'd want a plan - HER choice to go- and only then consider everything else.
As the BB says "we were judging ourselves by our intentions, while the world judged us by our actions" (pp 418, 4th ed).
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Originally Posted by sam1
She's been telling me that she has quit. It was a situational drinking.....That she is providing a hair follicle test to prevent me from taking the kids. Trying to take that defense against me in court. Lots of defensive threats. I'm hoping that she is getting better but the odds are it isn't happening. It almost feels like its scramble mode with everything
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I think you need to start believing what she does rather than what she says. She will do anything and everything possible to keep drinking so make sure you protect yourself and your daughter first and foremost. I don't think there's much left to salvage at this point until she starts demonstrating some personal responsibility for her actions.
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Hi Sam,
Some people do indeed just up and quit drinking: no treatment, no rehab, no meeting... if she is indeed 2 weeks off the sauce she is done with the physical
Withdrawal as well. The real question is can she stay stopped? Regardless you really need to do all you can to make she she isn't driving drunk with your kid(s). And I don't know enough about the law to advise you. I hope for everyone's
sake she has permanently stopped.
Some people do indeed just up and quit drinking: no treatment, no rehab, no meeting... if she is indeed 2 weeks off the sauce she is done with the physical
Withdrawal as well. The real question is can she stay stopped? Regardless you really need to do all you can to make she she isn't driving drunk with your kid(s). And I don't know enough about the law to advise you. I hope for everyone's
sake she has permanently stopped.
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Originally Posted by sam1
Her actions for the past 2 weeks are continue to go to work and supposedly fighting it on her own. She has made no rehab treatments, has shown no remorse to me, if anything it's all anger and blame towards me still. I agree there is no personal responsibility. Telling me she has quit it was because of living with me....I don't buy it if she had shakes and withdrawal symptoms. This whole thing is just a crappie mess.
It is possible that if she truly does abstain from the alcohol for an extended period of time she could have a different view point someday, but by then it could be too late. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you and your child. I don't always agree that the parents should stay together only for the children at the expense of their own stability and well being. I can tell you from experience that it's not always such a great idea to have a child in the same household with a dangerous and destructive person, even if, and especially if, that person is their parent. I think the more stable, sober parent has a responsibility to do everything they can to protect their child's safety and well being.
Just my two cents for what it's worth. I really hope things work out for you.
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sam1 It really would benefit you to go to some al-anon meetings and talk to others in you situation. There is also a friends and family group on this forum
if it's physically impossible for you to go to a meeting.
I can promise you it will take much longer than 2 weeks for your situation to get better even if your spouse is sober.
Either way, if you choose to move forward with divorce proceedings or stay married, you both have a long uphill battle ahead.
Don't forget to take care of yourself.
if it's physically impossible for you to go to a meeting.
I can promise you it will take much longer than 2 weeks for your situation to get better even if your spouse is sober.
Either way, if you choose to move forward with divorce proceedings or stay married, you both have a long uphill battle ahead.
Don't forget to take care of yourself.
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Originally Posted by HopeandFaith1
Just a few comments as someone on the outside looking in...and knowing a thing or two about addiction, it does not sound as if she is dealing with this situation in a mature and rational matter. Even if she has really quit, her addict behavior is still very much in play here, as evidenced by her angry, unremorseful attitude towards you and her lack of any definitive step to get sober. Quite frankly it sounds like she is throwing a fit because she's not getting her way with you any more, and she's pissed off about it. In my opinion, this does not demonstrate a sincere desire to sober up and change but rather a brief reduction of her bad behavior as a way to manipulate you into taking her back.
It is possible that if she truly does abstain from the alcohol for an extended period of time she could have a different view point someday, but by then it could be too late. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you and your child. I don't always agree that the parents should stay together only for the children at the expense of their own stability and well being. I can tell you from experience that it's not always such a great idea to have a child in the same household with a dangerous and destructive person, even if, and especially if, that person is their parent. I think the more stable, sober parent has a responsibility to do everything they can to protect their child's safety and well being.
Just my two cents for what it's worth. I really hope things work out for you.
It is possible that if she truly does abstain from the alcohol for an extended period of time she could have a different view point someday, but by then it could be too late. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you and your child. I don't always agree that the parents should stay together only for the children at the expense of their own stability and well being. I can tell you from experience that it's not always such a great idea to have a child in the same household with a dangerous and destructive person, even if, and especially if, that person is their parent. I think the more stable, sober parent has a responsibility to do everything they can to protect their child's safety and well being.
Just my two cents for what it's worth. I really hope things work out for you.
HopeandFaith1
I tend to feel the same way. If she honestly wanted to take a serious look at fighting her addictive personality she would have already checked into a treatment program. Instead she wants to blame the whole situation on me.....yes I have filed for divorce....yes I took the pot of money away (she still earns hers)....yes she has moved in with her parents.... I refuse to enable the situation and take the co-dependant abuse anymore.
Everything I read says it takes much longer than 2 weeks to quit and get a clean sober mind. Especially if she was in stage 4 of alcoholism.
I have taken the steps to get my daughter out of time sharing for at least 30 days hopefully it gets passed by a court this week. She would be in my custody until drug testing/rehab/counselling is forced by the courts. I will be hated for ever for this (both her and her family)...... but I have to put my little girl ahead of both of us. Her family is believing the web of lies she tells and have now become the enablers. I still love my wife and every one of these steps feels like I'm pushing her farther and farther away from ever reconciling when she's healthy. She refuses to go more than 4 days without seeing my daughter. In my heart I know everything is a web of lies right now and my daughters safety is #1.
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sam1 I sense you are holding onto a lot of anger. I would try to let that go. I know you are also hurt and sometimes those two feelings get really enmeshed.
Alcoholics are not so much liars to others as they are to themselves. You keep on bringing her dishonesty up. You need to understand that is part of her disease. That is not to invalidate your feelings because those are real. But denial and self delusion is real too. And that is where your wife is at.
Among many other things alcohol destroys a person's ability to think rationally. A lot of the damages are reversible but it takes time.
I can not stress enough the importance of a support network as you navigate your way through these changes. There a many people out there who have been where you are.
Alcoholics are not so much liars to others as they are to themselves. You keep on bringing her dishonesty up. You need to understand that is part of her disease. That is not to invalidate your feelings because those are real. But denial and self delusion is real too. And that is where your wife is at.
Among many other things alcohol destroys a person's ability to think rationally. A lot of the damages are reversible but it takes time.
I can not stress enough the importance of a support network as you navigate your way through these changes. There a many people out there who have been where you are.
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Originally Posted by OddOneIn
sam1 I sense you are holding onto a lot of anger. I would try to let that go. I know you are also hurt and sometimes those two feelings get really enmeshed.
Alcoholics are not so much liars to others as they are to themselves. You keep on bringing her dishonesty up. You need to understand that is part of her disease. That is not to invalidate your feelings because those are real. But denial and self delusion is real too. And that is where your wife is at.
Among many other things alcohol destroys a person's ability to think rationally. A lot of the damages are reversible but it takes time.
I can not stress enough the importance of a support network as you navigate your way through these changes. There a many people out there who have been where you are.
Alcoholics are not so much liars to others as they are to themselves. You keep on bringing her dishonesty up. You need to understand that is part of her disease. That is not to invalidate your feelings because those are real. But denial and self delusion is real too. And that is where your wife is at.
Among many other things alcohol destroys a person's ability to think rationally. A lot of the damages are reversible but it takes time.
I can not stress enough the importance of a support network as you navigate your way through these changes. There a many people out there who have been where you are.
Thank you for the reply. I have anger for where we are at and the fact she has cheated with someone and tried to redirect it all at me claiming I was screwing around. I also have some anger because she was driving our kid around drunk. I'm also angry at myself for not catching things sooner. She was served an injunction for removal of custody rights today. Said she's gonna sue me back for sole custody....put me in jail for perjury.....saying they are all lies. Just crazy talk...also saying she will sue me for slander. She has 2k to her name
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I let my xAH have endless chances, trusted his words, he even had his family sign affidavits that he was sober etc....
And long story short, it was all a lie, epic manipulation and child protective services got involved and told ME that if I continued to allow him access to the kids without legal safeguards to ensure their safety, I too could be held liable if anything happened...
So, you are wise to be protecting your child(ren) at all costs. She will be angry, her family will blame you, she will posture, threaten and likely file frivolous motions with the court bc it is all easier to do than it is for her to get help and admit she needs help.
Good for for you Sam1 for figuring out swiftly what needed to be done for the kids sake and yours.
Your wife is an adult, making her own choices. Her job is to manage her life. Yours to manage yours and clearly you are the only one equipped and of sound mind and healthy mind to care for the children in the situation...
Wishing you all the best
And long story short, it was all a lie, epic manipulation and child protective services got involved and told ME that if I continued to allow him access to the kids without legal safeguards to ensure their safety, I too could be held liable if anything happened...
So, you are wise to be protecting your child(ren) at all costs. She will be angry, her family will blame you, she will posture, threaten and likely file frivolous motions with the court bc it is all easier to do than it is for her to get help and admit she needs help.
Good for for you Sam1 for figuring out swiftly what needed to be done for the kids sake and yours.
Your wife is an adult, making her own choices. Her job is to manage her life. Yours to manage yours and clearly you are the only one equipped and of sound mind and healthy mind to care for the children in the situation...
Wishing you all the best
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Originally Posted by sam1
Odd one in
Thank you for the reply. I have anger for where we are at and the fact she has cheated with someone and tried to redirect it all at me claiming I was screwing around. I also have some anger because she was driving our kid around drunk. I'm also angry at myself for not catching things sooner. She was served an injunction for removal of custody rights today. Said she's gonna sue me back for sole custody....put me in jail for perjury.....saying they are all lies. Just crazy talk...also saying she will sue me for slander. She has 2k to her name
Thank you for the reply. I have anger for where we are at and the fact she has cheated with someone and tried to redirect it all at me claiming I was screwing around. I also have some anger because she was driving our kid around drunk. I'm also angry at myself for not catching things sooner. She was served an injunction for removal of custody rights today. Said she's gonna sue me back for sole custody....put me in jail for perjury.....saying they are all lies. Just crazy talk...also saying she will sue me for slander. She has 2k to her name
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
I let my xAH have endless chances, trusted his words, he even had his family sign affidavits that he was sober etc....
And long story short, it was all a lie, epic manipulation and child protective services got involved and told ME that if I continued to allow him access to the kids without legal safeguards to ensure their safety, I too could be held liable if anything happened...
So, you are wise to be protecting your child(ren) at all costs. She will be angry, her family will blame you, she will posture, threaten and likely file frivolous motions with the court bc it is all easier to do than it is for her to get help and admit she needs help.
Good for for you Sam1 for figuring out swiftly what needed to be done for the kids sake and yours.
Your wife is an adult, making her own choices. Her job is to manage her life. Yours to manage yours and clearly you are the only one equipped and of sound mind and healthy mind to care for the children in the situation...
Wishing you all the best
And long story short, it was all a lie, epic manipulation and child protective services got involved and told ME that if I continued to allow him access to the kids without legal safeguards to ensure their safety, I too could be held liable if anything happened...
So, you are wise to be protecting your child(ren) at all costs. She will be angry, her family will blame you, she will posture, threaten and likely file frivolous motions with the court bc it is all easier to do than it is for her to get help and admit she needs help.
Good for for you Sam1 for figuring out swiftly what needed to be done for the kids sake and yours.
Your wife is an adult, making her own choices. Her job is to manage her life. Yours to manage yours and clearly you are the only one equipped and of sound mind and healthy mind to care for the children in the situation...
Wishing you all the best
Did you xAH ever stop? Or did they keep going down the destructive path. Did he eventually decide the children were more important than the booze?
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
The anger is understandable. That's why you need an outlet but also a way to try and redirect it somewhere positive...both for you and your daughter. Let the legal system do its work and focus on what you can do to keep yourself and your daughter safe and healthy. I really think al-a on might be a good place to start. Being around others in the same situation can be helpful. You may also want to take a look at the friends and family of alcoholics forum here, you will find those that have gone through similar situations.
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Originally Posted by sam1
Want to be healthy
Did you xAH ever stop? Or did they keep going down the destructive path. Did he eventually decide the children were more important than the booze?
Did you xAH ever stop? Or did they keep going down the destructive path. Did he eventually decide the children were more important than the booze?
He will claim (as will his family) that he is sober and that any and everyone else under the sun are the cause of his woes...
It's tragic that he is as sick as he is... and a lot of it is mental sickness-- to see him on the street you would not automatically think he is the mess that he is...
And if I had a dime for every tear I shed over wishing that he would decide being a parent to our kids was more important than the next buzz, I would be lounging on a tropical island year round vs. working my tail off as a single mom...
I finally had to stop worrying about trying to help him see the light and find his way and imploring him to think about the kids and what he and they were losing by his addiction being the priority-- instead, I got busy getting myself mentally well and out of the dysfunction of the spouse of the alcoholic cycle and focussed 100% of my energy on accepting that the kids and I were what I had to focus on and nothing else...
Sorry to not be able to post a success story... quite the opposite...
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